To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I must admit I did wonder why they had DC?
To literally have them in a nursery from babies long Hours so they could continue with their careers and expensive lifestyle without skipping a beat?

I felt it was a selfish choice.

Yes, I completely agree with you, I don’t understand people like that either. It’s such an alien thing to me. It’s like people who have a dog when they work long hours and hire dog sitters - what exactly is the point?

You don't think this is getting personal about individual womens choices?

The OP is making huge assumptions about things she knows nothing about. It's rude and offensive. I could sit here and make assumptions about the OP's time and money, and the things she have not done, but then I'd probably get banned again. 🤐

@WakeWaterWalk I'm not sure there is an ideal set up but I imagine in a hetero relationship it would be a perfect 50/50 split of responsibilities, working hours and childcare/domestic choring.

What I begrudge is that there is a portion of women who are okay with the gender pay gap and the concentration of men in senior roles because they benefit from their dh making more money which means they can work less or not at all. Whatever's best for their family, right?

It feels to me, based on the feedback on this thread, that there remains a portion of women in the population who don't really want to WOH, who are quietly grateful there is an option to opt out in the form of being a SAHM and having children (an option most men can't contemplate). Fine, if they would just own it. But I think in this setup power is given to a man and primacy to a man's career and income. The woman becomes, whether intentionally or just over time, an enabler for a man, thereby increasing his power and ease in life. I'm not sure this set up does anything more than reaffirm men's power.

Yep, she also said that she isn't saying that kids can never be out of their parents' sight, so unless the children are feral and fending for themselves, I assume that someone else is looking after them during those times.

Interesting how it's OK for a third party to look after the OP's children on her terms, but it's apparently unnatural if the parents happen to be at work.

Yes, but my husband would never call himself the primary caregiver.

Why did your husband bother to have kids if he's not the primary caregiver?

I have a strong opinion on what is best for MY children. And I'd support anyone else in doing what they think is the best for THEIR children, regardless of whether it was the same opinion as mine. I really don't care that a lifestyle is less mainstream or more traditional than mine. I'd still support their choice.

Plus all these women commenting about not having children to outsource their care are coming across as arrogant and blinkered.

They seem to have forgotten that they can only stay at home with their babies because someone else is paying the bills for them to do so. I guess when you're in that position you assume that everyone has that luxury. It's amazing how many women think that set up is a 'natural state' or, more, a 'natural right.'

But I have known sahds. At the same time now there are far, far fewer sahms and part-time WOHM s than 20 years ago.

I don't see what you are seeing in your world. Maybe it's the very high salaries you have mentioned.

I am not surprised this thread is making it to the newspaper! It is full of opinions of how everything should be! Oh dear....

OP, how exactly does it affect you what other women choose to do regarding their famies and childcare?
Do you think you have less opportunities in your career because women are in a lesser number in more senior positions?
This should not be so. In your case, you are commited to advance in your career, so where you get should be in proportion to your ability and knowledge. Do you think other factors are playing up in your carrer advance?

Tbh you do sound like a bit of a begrudger.😉 Just revel in your independence and projected extended life expectancy!🎉
Those guys at work are supporting another adult which YOU don't have to do.

And you'll never be second favourite parent.

Well it's not rocket science is it ?
2 salaries usually provide more money than one ?

Plus all these women commenting about not having children to outsource their care are coming across as arrogant and blinkered.

All the rich people I know "outsource" care & don't work! I'd do the same

Anyone else surpirsed at how prolific ForestFae's posts have been given how she spends all her time with her children ?

Ha! Someone might say the same about me but I'm off work this week - booked it off because it's dd's half term but she is out with her friends!🙄

Who’s to say they don’t have as much of a fulfilling life bringing up their children as any high flying career woman or that their dh isn’t happy with the arrangement. The crux of it is the traditional family unit works really well for some families (both partners and the kids) but not for others. We should be happy for those who make it work well but on the other hand there needs to be opportunities for all and continue to be a safety net for those for whom their relationships don’t work out. The single woman who is a teacher etc and the married SAHM with a happy dh and dc have both been successful and if they were my daughter’s I’d be equally proud of them

@Pippainthegarden did you read in my post that I think they can't have a fulfilling life? I'll

Exactly as the point you move on to, what would and does frustrate me is a lack of choice.

Also, the Wi-Fi in her fields is amazing. This afternoon I took my kids out for icecream at a dairy and couldn't even load up a map.

Wow. It's almost like me being offended by pretty much every word a certain poster typed wasn't just me being "pathetic". Go figure. 😁

I’ve already said, multiple time actually, that I support peoples rights to make choices I don’t personally understand or agree with. I don’t have to like someone else’s choice or understand it to agree they have the right to do it. I don’t see what’s offensive about that. If I was actively trying to stop others from doing it I could see why you and others would be annoyed but I’m not. I just don’t say “yes I agree it’s a great choice well done I love it”. You don’t need my validation or approval, it shouldn’t matter that other people don’t believe your choice is a great one. We’re all entitled to an opinion, and providing we aren’t stopping anyone else doing what it is they want to do, I don’t see the problem.

Regarding why my husband had kids if he wasn’t the primary caregiver, because he knew his kids would have one. He would’ve been happy to be it if I’d have wanted a career. I also think it’s different having family help out with raising your kids than it is a stranger who’s of no relation

Some of you have made really offensive, personal and snide comments towards me - all while claiming you’re the ones being judged. I think that’s unkind.

@ForestFae , forgive me for asking quite a personal question, but is there some sort of neurodiversity that might be impacting on your communication style and your ability to empathise with others?

If that's the case, then I apologise for suggesting on one of my earlier posts that you were stupid or deliberately trying to cause offence. I had not considered the possibility that you might not be neurotypical (despite not being NT myself!) and that you might genuinely be oblivious as to why you are coming across so badly on this thread, but your last post made me wonder. You seem to be really struggling to understand why other people are finding your comments so offensive, even when they are blatantly so.

I’ve already said, multiple time actually, that I support peoples rights to make choices I don’t personally understand or agree with. I don’t have to like someone else’s choice or understand it to agree they have the right to do it. I don’t see what’s offensive about that. If I was actively trying to stop others from doing it I could see why you and others would be annoyed but I’m not. I just don’t say “yes I agree it’s a great choice well done I love it”. You don’t need my validation or approval, it shouldn’t matter that other people don’t believe your choice is a great one. We’re all entitled to an opinion, and providing we aren’t stopping anyone else doing what it is they want to do, I don’t see the problem.

Offensive does not mean that you're trying to stop someone from doing something. "Something that is offensive upsets or embarrasses people because it is rude or insulting" - that's a definition I just googled from Collins dictionary. And saying repeatedly that you support people's right to make choices does not negate the fact you've also said you just can't understand their decision (even when people have explained their decision to you), that you find it unnatural, selfish, harmful, and asking why they even bothered to have children if they are going to pay someone to care for their child while they work (although it's fine to have family to look after your child while you don't work), and compared it to getting a dog and then leaving it home alone all day. It's rude and offensive to say all of that. You are entitled to your opinion, you don't have to agree with how I want to raise my children, but to call me selfish and my choices unnatural and ask why I bothered even having kids, that's fucking rude.

@ForestFae

I can’t tell if it’s deliberate or if something is being lost in translation with the fact this is an online discussion.

Or you're really bad at explaining yourself?

If multiple people believe your words and tone are offensive, are you so arrogant that you assume they are simply misinterpreting what you've said aka the issue is at their end?

Rather than considering that you are saying things in a way that is offensive and therefore need to improve your communication skills in order to make your point without being offensive?

Because either that's the case or you're entirely disingenuous...

@ForestFae I joined in on this thread a few days ago to defend SAHMs choices. I don't want to be a SAHM, but I believe that if a woman can and wants to, their choice should be respected. Even if I don't want it for myself. I didn't need to be rude or question peoples choices in the process.

It’s the insinuation that it’s only due to the cost of childcare in relation to their pay that these working class women are making the decision to be SAHM and that they would actually be happier serving someone behind a checkout than caring for their own children. Yes perhaps they would opt to work if they had funded childcare but if they were funded in equal amount to be a SAHM many would actually choose that rather than most minimum wage jobs. You only need to look at the fact that when women are funded to have time off for maternity leave, most do opt to take it even with the significant drop in income

I have ADHD and dyspraxia. DS1 is autistic and I’ve often wondered whether I am also myself, I see similarities in us.