To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I guess you'll never know what your kids would have been like if you had not brought them up in the way that you have. You might think that they wouldn't have been as confident, but who knows?

Equally, I will never know what my dd would have been like if I had chosen to be a SAHP. What I do know is that she is one of the happiest and most confident, secure and stable young people who I know; that she feels loved and supported; and that she will go into adulthood with all of the skills and personal qualities that I think she will need to live a happy and fulfilled life. I am content with that, personally.

I’ve only “repeatedly asked it” because @DashboardConfessional kept bringing it back up long after the post and long after the thread had moved on somewhat. So I justified why I had asked it originally.

I understand people choose what they think is best, I suppose a better question or what I’m really asking is why people think their child would benefit from spending less time with themselves as parents. I do agree that children are different and some will do better in some educational settings than others - I know mine wouldn’t do well in a school partly because they’re very hyperactive and struggle to sit still, they learn best while moving and interacting with things which is often not what goes on in a school environment. Some kids aren’t like that - but I still think schools would be better for everyone there if they had smaller class sizes, better funding and a more individualised approach to learning.

@ForestFae
Re your final sentence: everyone in the world who has children knows this is pretty much ideal. What’s the point of saying this?

I suppose a better question or what I’m really asking is why people think their child would benefit from spending less time with themselves as parents.

So many reasons.

Because people feel that parental mental health will be better if both parents work, and that happier parents will have a positive impact on the child.

Because people feel that children actively benefit from having exposure to trusted adults outside of the family because of the different perspectives, skills and personal qualities that those individuals bring.

Because people feel that the child will actively benefit from exposure to other children.

Because people want to model a particular way of life or type of relationship to their children based on what they consider to be ideal.

Because they think it is important to give their dc access to opportunities that they couldn't pay for if they didn't both work.

The reasons will be different for everyone. But everyone has their reasons.

I agree that being a woman does bring more choice. There are obvious disadvantages to that in that we are expected to do more.

I would much rather break down gender stereotypes and have a society where it is equally acceptable for either parent to work and both are equally obliged to care for their children and the home they live in. I think that’s true equality.

This will advantage women as a whole but it will have a disadvantage to some women who will find it harder to find men to unquestionly support them for decades. I think that is happening to some degree already- more women in professions mean couples are much more equally matched financially already.

This thread is being discussed on the Daily Mail online. They keep lifting interesting threads from here

can’t tell if it’s deliberate or if something is being lost in translation with the fact this is an online discussion. Or maybe its just because it’s a sensitive issue and people take things more personally. I don’t know.

Or maybe you keep writing judgemental and offensive comments?🤷🏼‍♀️

I promise I'm not a jlist!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10868717/Woman-sparks-debate-stating-women-financially-comfortable-married.html

Depends who you marry. Marry a deadbeat (like my sil) and you'll be paying for it your whole life!!

Goodness they piss me off that newspaper can’t be bothered to come up with our own digital content and now of course it will be interpreted to the misogynistic narrative if these arseholes thrive upon the women need a man in order to be financially successful so we’re all out there trying to trap one…. hold onto your pennies and your sperm boys ffs 🤦‍♀️
The same narrative does men absolutely no favours they’re so scared of being taken advantage of that they don’t want to get into relationships in which typically men thrive.

That's a sexist thing to say.

Women don't earn less than men, women earn more if they are age 30 and below, if women don't have kids and work full time they would earn the same as men or more.

Kids are irrelevant. If a woman has the same role as a man, both full time, they should earn the same (barring any length of service increases in which case their sex is irrelevant).

Kids are irrelevant. If a woman has the same role as a man, both full time, they should earn the same (barring any length of service increases in which case their sex is irrelevant).

Kids are highly relevant.

Many, by no means all, women go part time or opt for a less stressful career path after having children. That is very likely to have an impact on earnings. It is not inevitable but it is very common. For women that is, much more rarely men.

It's illegal to pay a woman less than a man for the same role, and has been for decades.

I was trying to communicate about the limited choices some women have in places where there aren't amazing 100k+ jobs and a less international mindset. It was a shitty town, just like the many crappy towns which people try to escape from. But for those women who stay, if they want to have a comfortable life they know that is more likely to come via marriage than through their own income at local jobs or career/progression.

This isn't really what you put in your OP. I think what you've written above is a bit of a different question, and one which is showing the difficulty for working class women to active any upward social mobility. Working class, manual/blue collar jobs, especially the type that women generally participate in, are not well paid. It's not rocket science to realise why so many working class women decide to give up work to look after the kids when childcare is probably more than their pay,

Who’s to say they don’t have as much of a fulfilling life bringing up their children as any high flying career woman or that their dh isn’t happy with the arrangement. The crux of it is the traditional family unit works really well for some families (both partners and the kids) but not for others. We should be happy for those who make it work well but on the other hand there needs to be opportunities for all and continue to be a safety net for those for whom their relationships don’t work out. The single woman who is a teacher etc and the married SAHM with a happy dh and dc have both been successful and if they were my daughter’s I’d be equally proud of them

I agree with that sentiment Pippa.
I'm not taken with the idea that we should all take up one idealised pattern of living.
So op seems to be proud of her set up and think it's best all round ( that's good imo!) but seems to then either begrudge other women
for having it too easy or maybe pity them for not living to their potential? Not sure which.

Yep

I still can't quite work out what the OP thinks is the ideal set-up tbh. That isn't a criticism though. It's unhelpful when anyone gets too evangelical about any one particular approach! Families are all different, and despite what some posters might argue, there really isn't one right, best or most natural way.

Yes, I prefer to outsource my foraging and I'll just pick it up from co-op.

Threads like this really get my back up. I work part time and I literally do EVERYTHING for my household and DC. I do way loads more than when I was working, single and had loads of free time.

Perhaps the OP shouldn't be so judgemental. I used to have an amazing job that took me to live in 2 other countries, International travel and a high salary. I gave it all up to look after my DC and I don't regret it. I'd rather be broke and have my DC. My "big house, car and nice holidays" that my poor husband pays for, actually mean nothing to me.

To be honest I think looking at other's lives and feeling resentful, thinking that their choices have given them more, is a strange way to go through life.
It sounds like you dislike the fact that being married enables a woman to have access to a portion of salary she hasn't "earnt"? Well yes, why shouldn't it? It's about pooling resources.
You chose complete freedom and independence, a perfectly fine choice, and one where you could pursue a career to the best of your ability, without considering any one else's needs but your own. In this respect you can also be as higher earner as you can. It sounds like you don't like the way in a marriage there are compromises in all aspects, and part of that often includes money.

It wasn’t my intention to offend, so I’m sorry for that. I do think if your child is in nursery full time, from 8 until 6, they’re spending the majority of their waking hours with someone who isn’t their parents. I don’t understand why someone would choose that not out of necessity.

Surely you can grasp, if nothing else, that just because you don't understand it, it doesn't make it wrong? Don't you get that what you want/experience isn't the same for other people? Who on earth do you think get up with the baby during the night? Or who looks after them at weekends? Or when they're sick? Who gets up with them at 5am for the day, when nursery doesn't open till 8?

I didn't have a mum around when my kids were born, yet alone a PT working mum to help me raise my kids. I did every night feed, mopped up every bit of sick, gave them every spoon of calpol when they had chicken pox. I've raised my kids, even with a job.

At the same time, I really value stability and financial security and wanted to make sure my kids had the very best start to their adult life. I wanted us to live in an area with high aspirations, I wanted them to have a great education, i wanted to take them to different countries, I wanted things for them that money can buy, so I wanted to make sure that we had money. It's really very offensive to suggest that women go back to work for selfish reasons and ask why they bothered to have kids at all.

Depends who you marry. Marry a deadbeat (like my sil) and you'll be paying for it your whole life!!

I get that, but that means a third party is doing some of the rest of it, how much depends on the hours - that’s something I am personally not okay with and don’t personally understand why others would be.

Bullshit. You've already said your mum is raising your kids with you.