To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

As we’ve already said, no parents in the uk need to return to work before their children are a year old. Very few people are putting a six month old in childcare.

I did have a nanny for my dds when I returned to work (they were about a year old). They adored their nanny who took great care of them. They knew they were well cared for but children don’t generally remember such young years and neither of them remember their nanny now.

@Pumperthepumper there is no evidence at all that full time parental care is better than good quality childcare. While you might be determined to try to justify your choices as somehow being better for children and all these working mums as being selfish, there’s just no evidence for that at all.

If you were to be honest with yourself, did you really give up your job because you thought it was essential for your children? Or was there an element that you didn’t want to continue with your job?

Actually found there was alot less to do when worked full time as all meals and entertainment taken care of by childcare, house pretty much looked the same from Monday to Friday as the kids out and entertained all day, shopping, cleaning, planning etc was all massively less.

I prefer outsourcing cleaning, gardening and laundry anyway. I’d rather work more in my job and pay my cleaner as I hate cleaning.

Yes I say better to outsource than squabbling with partners over that workload if feeling tired/not enough time. My life was easier overall when full time and outsourced more, working part time and taking care of all plus childcare certainly not the easier life but one I prefer at moment.

Totally agree OP.

I genuinely gave up my very well paid job to raise my kids. I don't regret it. I was there for them 24/7 making them feel secure and loved. I played and crafted with them, we had a great social life, I was able to take them to lots of sports. Whether it made any positive difference that it was me or a childminder/nanny etc, I don't know. They seem happy and I also wanted to be the one raising them.

@yesterdaytheycame

Good post.

It's weird how society has changed so much where it seems normal for children to be in nursery from very early in the am until very late at night?

Good quality child care?

I know it exists because I met quite a few nannies and child minders in 10 years of being at home with my DC but how would you know? I also saw plenty who sat on phones paying no attention at all or a group who who chatted, ignored and I felt were quite verbally tart with their charges?

Same with nurseries.
Eg. Neighbors put her dd into one...said it's great but I knew someone who worked there said it's dire and she was trying to leave.
Unless you literally pop in to the nursery or surprise the child minders one day you won't know.

Good for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful respectful marriage.

Ok I am going to bite, Dd was in childcare (hospital nursery) 2 days a week from 5 months. When we arrived at 8:15 she would put her arms out and lean towards her key worker. As we approached the building a hige smile would break out on her face and she would shake her arms and legs genuinely excited. She was equally excited to see me at the end of tbe day and her Dad when he came in on our days off. She was (and is age 15) a sociable outgoing personality. Aged 3/ 4 if I had a day off I'd ask her of she wanted to spend the day with me, she rarely did, she wanted to go to nursery to see her friends. Is it right for every child in all circumstances ? No. Was it right for Dd ? Absolutely.

I knew it was good quality childcare because Dd wanted to go. Also they had an open door policy, I could go and feed her on my lunch break ( if I ever got one). But I did do my reasearch and didn't go with the first one I saw. Same as you would for schools.

There are lots of unfairness in life. This is just one of them. I don’t care how women choose to live but I do care of unfairness of gender pay gap. This is a bigger issue I guess

I’m that woman OP, I don’t understand why you take issue with other women’s choices. I choose to be a stay at home parent because it’s best for my children and best for my family. I actually think a better question is why is putting your child in childcare as soon as they’re able to lift their head up and going to work seen as female empowerment when really it’s just all about capitalism? I find it really sad how society has normalised the breakdown of parental bonds and the extended family (look how many people move miles and miles away for career goals) in modern society. I don’t blame individuals, it’s more that society has made this necessary in a lot of cases but I think it’s a shame.

Lol, you don't understand why the OP takes issue with other women's choices but you make it incredibly clear that you take issue with the choices of women who go back to work.

So good to know that you don't blame individuals. I'm so relieved!🤣

No, I apologise if it came over that way. I have a problem with the way that society normalises and pushes a two income household, and the way it’s now hard for most people to have a real choice in the matter. I’m criticising the norms and standards of society, not people who make a choice to do what’s best for their family.

Um @ForestFae I don't have a husband so I had no choice but to put my children in care. Should I have quit my job and gone on benefits.

Your post shows the arrogance that some women have about the 'natural state' of a man subbing them for most of their adult life - they genuinely forget that this is not the norm for most.

forestfae you don't understand how giving women an option to have a career and a family ( the choice men have always had) is female empowerment?
What should women be doing then?

See my other post, I apologise if it came over that I was criticising individual women, I was trying to say that society normalises a two income household as standard and doesn’t give people true choice.

As for being subsidised by a man, he is also subsidised by me, if I went to work he’d have to pay for the childcare and the household wouldn’t be managed effectively. It’s a team effort where we split the tasks based on who’s better at what

The thing is, once they get to the teenage years, there really is no difference between the ones who had SAH parents, the ones whose parents worked PT, the ones whose parents worked FT. It doesn't feed into better mental health, better physical health, more confidence, better behaviour, better grades, better parent-child relationships, better social skills, better outcomes. Nothing. It just doesn't matter in the end! What does matter is that the child is happy and loved and well cared for, which can happen regardless of how the family unit is organised.

The option is fine. The expectation is what I take an issue with - one income should be enough to support a family (it doesn’t really matter which parent it is), as it stands many two income families can’t even afford housing deposits because the system is completely broken.

The option is fine. The expectation is what I take an issue with - one income should be enough to support a family (it doesn’t really matter which parent it is), as it stands many two income families can’t even afford housing deposits because the system is completely broken.

I guess my issue was the fact you referenced female empowerment in relation to using childcare. That's the bit that sounds judgemental.

Ah, OP. I’ve worked out the source of your bitterness - “shitty working class” place you grew up in. You’ve got a chip on your shoulder about your background.

I think it’d benefit you to come to terms with the fact that, subjectively, life can seem soooooo unfair at times - right? It’s just the way it is. Turn the news on from time to time to catch a brief insight into the lives of people who really have been dealt a “shitty” hand - it might make you look at what’s positive in your life.

I don’t think I worded it very well, what I mean is that women are often told and taught that it’s the best thing to work and putting your child in childcare from an early age is really normalised, regardless of whether it’s best for that particular family, but that society’s motivation for encouraging it isn’t out of concern for women but rather wanting as many workers in the economy as possible. I wasn’t trying to say it’s never the right decision for an individual family, or that women shouldn’t have a choice, so I apologise if it came over that way

Gosh! A goady post pitting women in different situations, who've made different choices, against each other. Who'd have thought it?

It wasn't "society" that encouraged me to pursue my career. It was my mother, from a very young age, who urged dsis and I to have careers and lives of our own because she was utterly bored and unfulfilled as a SAHP.