To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Marriage is a team sport. Being at home bringing up the kids enables men to earn more on average. But of course they'll be better off, 2 incomes means more disposable income (allegedly) In my case, my husband benefitted at first, I had my own home, he didn't, this was sold and used a deposit for our current home, I also worked part time to raise our babies so he could go to university to train as a nurse. He now earns more than me and I work around him so his higher wages allows me the flexibility to go to sports days etc which he has no real interest in.

Would this not also be true of single men?? A single man would also be struggling to live on his own, and own mortgage and surely a married man would financially be better off.
I think your argument is apples and oranges. Nothing to do with gender pay gaps. Basically if there's 2 of you you will be more financially secure. This isn't a gender argument.

I really think your post is an over generalisation. I know a married couple where the woman earns more than the man.

take my situation too for example. Met my husband when he was unemployed due to bad health (lifelong condition) I worked full time. We then had our first child, husband used his time being unemployed to get a degree while I worked and we juggled the childcare.

husband then got degree and finally his health was stabilised. He now earns a high wage while I can work part time, and we have 3 children.

basically, we have both worked our arses off to achieve what we have always wanted - to own our own home and be financially stable, it’s not been easy but we have got there.

A lot of married women that work part time have all the cleaning, gardening, cooking, home management ie bills to deal with on their so called days off.
Don't be jealous...it's probably horrendous.

My parents struggled in the early days (1980s) with my mum working as a trainee midwife and my dad as a statistician. My dad earned more than my mum but things were tight. My dad applied for a job as a statistician with a different company and got offered a job that he had never even considered before stockbroker analyst. This job allowed my dad to earn a very good salary and meant my mum could become a SAHM.

My mum gave up her career, never worked again (moving house and finding she was pregnant with number 3 two weeks later didn’t help) and found herself effectively a single parent of three children but with the financial benefit of marriage. She ended up with few friends as most of them were 400 miles away, no family support as that was also 400 miles away and so was often stuck at home with us children. If their marriage had ended in divorce she would have been left with little.

Yes a couple may be more financially secure but if they split both can end up significantly worse off.

Always love comments like this. Hardly horrendous to work part-time and have to spend that time doing home admin.

When do you think women who work FT fit this stuff in - welcome to our evenings, weekends, lunchtime breaks etc.

www.littlecedars.co.uk/why-under-5s-need-to-go-to-nursery/

Links to lots of orginal reasearch from Ofsted and D of E

Same sex couples, people who live long term with siblings, people who have friendship living all MAY be financially better off because of partnership. It's not mens patriarchal higher wages it's the give and take of support and partnership. These men have had statistical benefits from their women folk allowing them and supporting them in various ways to earn higher. Two people even if one works less will be better off because of the benefits they provide for one another. There's generalizing and then there's this post. It's ok to feel jelous or bitter about not being as high flying and well earned as these couples but it's a heavily biased view if you ask me.
The question is if you are unhappy and not earning a million a month what are you missing out on by not investing in a partnership. You may be happy single and that's dandy but if you truely are pissed off at all these women of luxury funded by their wealthy husband's, then you aren't coming across as happy or independent at all.
Each to their own. Stop focusing on other people's finances and 'situationships' and figure out a way to be happy and less bitter.
Two will always be better off than one unless you are a genius/come from money/or are some kind of lyrical superstar 🤷🏻‍♀️

Even that puff piece has to focus on children from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Raw data from D of E

Actually I agree with you - I don’t necessarily think you have to be married but financially you’re way better of with a partner, as you can split mortgages, bills and balance each other out time wise too. I think people in relationships sometimes forget how much harder it is for single people

www.gov.uk/government/collections/study-of-early-education-and-development-seed

Surprised at all the vitriol targeted at the OP. We all know it is a complex area and she has already referenced the many angles / accepted that there are many exceptions but she is just making an observation / comment opening up a discussion (backed up with stats). I think a really interesting point she has made is that we, as women, as feminists, as mothers, as wives, as partners do not have to support every woman's choice unconditionally. It is ok to think through whether some women's choices may have been made (perfectly rationally) in order to maximise financial security and / or for an easier life which in turn may make for a better / less stressed family life . This clearly is also true of some men, but overall a smaller proportion. The depressing part is that is that while this is still a rational / good choice for many in the short term, it does not move society forward to a point where I believe we should be IE. A level playing field and open job market in which all players (male and female) are not artificially boosted by the support that they have at home / all take fair share of both domestic and work tasks ...

"Links to lots of orginal reasearch from Ofsted and D of E"

The actual article you linked to backs up what I said though. The benefit is for children with less educated parents. I can't see the D of E image you posted.

I am that woman. And i don't think you’re unreasonable, but

I work part time, because I want to. I have a nice home and brand new cars. However I gave up my career to raise the children, to allow my husband to excel in his career. He wouldn’t have been able to do so with children, without me being home.

I do plan on bettering him though, I’m starting uni soon. I plan on earning more than him and letting him have a break.

Thank you @marmitesarnies

Each to their own. Stop focusing on other people's finances and 'situationships' and figure out a way to be happy and less bitter. @Laurajane1987

Why is it being bitter to contemplate about economic differences in society and the way couples accrue wealth. For a forum which exists to discuss ideas, people really love to quickly claim others are bitter or jealous.

And a further observation - for many posters because THEIR situation is a particular way they can't imagine the possibility that whole swathes of the population might live another way. In this instance statistically men do outearn women but women on here are very quick to say THEY outearn their dh so my argument/the discussion has no merit. Sigh.

...home management ie bills to deal with

It must occupy at least a couple of minutes a week at particularly busy times.

Well that's a generalisation and a half. I am the "typical"female you talk about. I am a fully qualified professional, who married her unqualified but incredibly smart husband.

I worked full time until we had children, and dh made decision to go self employed. At that stage, I cut my hours to part time to look after our children, and to contribute to his growing business.

So if we put our earnings on paper, side by side, he out earns me big time.

My career has taken a back seat, as a conscious decision, which was the right decision. Through both of us inputing to his business, it's become very successful and we've been able to make investments we never would have made individually.

But. If I strip it back and imagine where I'd be now if we hadn't married, had children and built up his business? I'd be working full time. My career would have had more attention and I'd have gone further up the career ladder, left my current employer and made my "own" money/wealth. Do I wish that's what I'd done? No, not at all. Because it's not all about the money and wealth.

You sound to be very bitter against those of us who chose to take a back seat in the career field. Personally, I think yabu 🤷‍♀️

But. If I strip it back and imagine where I'd be now if we hadn't married, had children and built up his business? I'd be working full time. My career would have had more attention and I'd have gone further up the career ladder, left my current employer and made my "own" money/wealth. Do I wish that's what I'd done? No, not at all. Because it's not all about the money and wealth.

@SoHereBesMe Genuine question, but why do you assume if you had been working FT you would have moved up the career ladder and been hugely successful? There are millions of people working every day who don't get promotions or move further up in companies and are just at low or middle level. It seems every woman on MN who talks about sacrificing their career makes it out like it they gave up the opportunity to climb to the dizzying top of the career ladder and that's just not what working life is for most.

I'm sorry your life is so sad. Do you have anyone nearby that can help you? I didn't. Experience tells me that being a single parent can be a lot better than having a demanding husband.

In this circumstance, I always concentrate on what I would lose: independence, sense of self, and career satisfaction.

For some, it's an exchange that's worth it. It wouldn't be for me.

As it happens, my husband and I earn about the same, and we would be far worse off financially going part-time and/or giving up our careers. However, even if we would be financially the same, I couldn't do it. I'd be miserable.

This is utter bullshit. I have always earned double plus my DHs salary. What planet are you from??? Hey it is the 21st century. Wake up.

I certainly don’t know how anyone spilts up now with house prices as high as they are. Staying married is often a financial decision rather than emotional one.

So you don’t like the idea of 2 people working at life together to make for a more pleasant life (for both partners and their children) even if they are not asking anything of you. Sounds like a very twisted ideology