To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I think you might find out it’s your close circle of women friends that seems to follow a pattern ?
I earn more than my partner , if he was to leave tomorrow I would be heartbroken but able to do absolutely fine without any cuts . I was also a single mum for a long time so I’m able to see what you mean but it’s obvious 2 wages are more than one , not exactiy rocket science .
next you will be saying women are taking advantage of men because we have maternity leave too , maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. Maybe people like you need a reminder that without a new generation the whole society crumbles . So it’s perfectly normal than on couple one earns more than the other in the majority of cases .

I went the Women of the world festival 4 years ago and accidentally ended up at a finance seminar as the talk I wanted to attend was full up, it was eye opening and fascinating. For all different reasons on average women do earn less in the UK, can’t speak for anywhere else. The reasons were the ones we might think of like time out for raising children or looking after elderly family members but just sexism in general meant men started out earning women (I think) just before the age most have children and then continued due to the career breaks more women take than men. Also there is a difference in the types of jobs women do, some of which pay less, of course there are lower paid jobs that men do.

The biggest thing I learned about was pensions; there is a massive gender gap in pensions, so the part timers might seem to have their husband’s money now to rely on and have a good life while they’re working but as I heard on Women’s Hour the other day, there is a £170,000 pension gap between men and women. How does one know they’ll be with their husband when they retire, then what if they’re not? It’s too late.

I’m not married but I’m engaged and have encouraged my self employed fiancé to save more in his pension as it’s for oneself.

I think everyone should take care of themselves if they can. I have a decent job, not rich at all but currently have a good disposable income, which I did when single but do have more disposable income now that I live with my fiancé.

These are generalisations but a lot of them have truth behind them. I advise any women to look into their pension. This is so important.

Just want to say I do know lots of very independent women especially who I work with that earn very well both married, single or co-habiting. My brother also spent about 4 years caring for a relative so don’t think it’s just women that take career breaks just that the general trend is that women do often earn less and take time out of paid work more and this I’m less sure of but probably work part time more.

I don’t think a women does stand the best chance of being financially independent or wealthier through marriage as such due the whole pension stuff for sure and I don’t think having to give up your earning power means financial benefit but think marriage to a higher earner can mean immediate or shorter term comfort. Single women can have the comfort it might just take a big longer but truly believe it works out better in the long run.

Less about being married to a man - of my four closest female friends and I, having a male partner has sweet fa to do with our independence or otherwise.

Me - I make as much as my OH, we have completely separate finances and split everything in half equally. I probably work more hours through choice/workaholic tendencies.

Friend 1 - earns significantly more than her partner. He works less hours and takes on more childcare responsibilities.

Friend 2 - earned significantly more than her other half. Set up her own business and used her savings and his lower wage to support her while she was building it.

Friend 3 - earns the same as her other half, shares childcare/household responsibilities equally.

Friend 4 - doesn’t have a partner, remains as independently financially stable as we do thanks to having more flexibility as a songle person.

Family member - hasn’t worked since she was in her twenties, whole family lives on his wage. Huge resentment on both sides (he’s ‘not properly part of the family because he’s always away working and not present when he’s at home’ and she’s ‘no idea how much he has to sacrifice sat at home all day’).

I appreciate it must feel massively more difficult as a single parent. I was raised by a single mum when my dad left. So, believe me, I understand more than you realise.

But, of all the women I know (a statistically low pool tainted by my affinity bias for women who hold the same values as myself, so admittedly not representative of the population as a whole), having a husband hasn’t made their lives massively easier. It’s just having a second person to share the financial/life burden.

Since the 70s/80s, cost of living rises has meant that having two incomes are almost necessary to support a family or household unit (unless you’re willing to not have kids, natch). So I get where you’re coming from, I just think your conclusion isn’t entirely correct, from the limited empirical evidence I have from experience.

I am one of those dreadful people who don't drive. I took lessons and used to shake and cry - pathetic, eh? It's a genuine phobia.
I am lucky to have lifts from friends but only to places they were going anyway, e.g. a lift home from work, and mine is on the way to their home. I wouldn't dream of asking for someone to take me somewhere they weren't going.
Your pal should get a taxi to the train at the start of the journey so she can meet you at the other end at the original time.

I am absolutely agree, that’s why I think it should be a choice rather than society pushing for or facilitating one or the other. There have been times when it was definitely best for me and my children for me to be working and times when it definitely wasn’t. The parents are usually the ones best placed to decide at any current given time

I earn almost double than my DH. So YABU.

Firstly you’re confusing financial benefits with quality of life. Obviously poverty results in a poor quality of life; however someone on a lowish wage who is single but getting by will have a higher quality of life than a married women with the same wage a few kids and a husband who earns more. According to data.

The thing is there are a lot of variables, data and opinions for many hypothesis which makes it impossible to have any kind of meaningful debate in the way I think you’d like to. Referring to googled data is also playing into the hands of unreliable and irrelevant data and your confirmation bias. You refer to people making generalisations for simplicity’s sake, when ironically you’ve done the same.

It was also pointed out to you that men are better off married as well but chose not to change your post to ‘ have you noticed couples are better off’. Only you know why.

I think it’s more relevant to address why you’ve noticed this and brought it up as if you’re making a feminist statement when it isn’t really. Not truly. It’s seems to be more about you being single and how that makes you feel inadequate. I’m sure you’re great but this is how you’ve presented yourself.
Ultimately two wages/people/hands are better tan one. It’s logical that in some respects it will be easier. And for the record same sex married couples find life easier too according to data🙏

YABU

Naieve at best, stupid definately.

People have got to stop believing rhetoric and rubbish on social media.

It clearly wasn’t marriage that damaged their earning potential. Employers don’t sack women for getting married.

You misunderstood me Slightly, I meant don't get married and have kids. The woman comes off worst in too many cases.

I often wonder about this. I always earned more than my husband until 2nd child came along. Had intended to continue to work FT but he has special needs. So I went PT to facilitate all the hospital appts & therapies etc. Went back up to full time 12 yrs later because 1st child went to university (OMG we never invisaged that we & she would have to pay for it), & 2nd child was sorted. I love my husband, but there was no question who the part timer would be when things at home went FUBAR…. He’s rewarded with a nice pension. Mine, on the other hand, will be shit.

I live with my partner and so I would say I'm in a more financially advantaged situation than my three single friends because there are two incomes in my household. But my house is not worth double theirs so hypothetically if I split from my partner I would be less well off than they are.

I think this would have been more accurate in the 90s. Nowadays most young couples split both rent and bills. I actually supported my first boyfriend without realizing.
My grandad left me a studio in my early twenties, moved there with my then boyfriend and didn’t think of charging him rent or asking him to pay any bills. I did most of the food shopping, and we split everything down the middle if we went out or on holidays. He worked in IT, I was modeling - mostly catalogue work so didn’t make a fortune, we basically earned the same.
We were together for 7 years, and we finally split because of the lack of a sex life in the last 3 years, nothing to do with bills. I have no idea why I never thought of asking him to pay for anything. I think it’s more to do with one’s self esteem rather than one’s gender.
I’ve only later noticed the situation with him was odd, because the boyfriend I had after him went 50/50 on everything including rent. (as I moved to another city and started paying rent).

Surely as your married you’ll both be entitled to 50% of each other’s current pension value should the worst happen, so you being the one working part time shouldn’t make a difference?

I’m married, have been the bigger earner for most of the time. My husband made decent but not stellar money, then had to retire early due to cancer. My career took a late surge at that point and I’m now on a high salary. I enjoy my job, and the independence. But, OP, I totally get where you’re coming from. I do know a couple of women who just married someone rich and are better off than I’ll ever be, without putting in any of the work. In one of these cases they have no kids, so the looking after family argument doesn’t even apply! In terms of just money, women would be far better off finding a rich man than seeking to succeed at a career - but: only if he’s lovely, faithful, respects you, doesn’t divorce you, doesn’t get I’ll and you don’t get bored. Money’s great but autonomy and love are even better. Every now and again I feel a bit bitter about these two who married money being so stashed but then the fact DH is in remission is the best luck ever and worth more than anything.

Doesn’t get ill, not I’ll. Bloody autocorrect.

I earn my own money, thank you. I’m probably better off than “solo women” as you say because it’s the sharing of bills 50/50 that makes the difference. If I wasn’t married and house shared with a mate and spilt everything 50/50 I’d be in the same boat.

I was the higher earner when dh and I got together, and I owned a flat, whose sale went towards buying our first house. He's now been the higher earner since our teenagers were born, but he's about to make a career change and I'll be earning more than him again for the first time in ages.

I don't really see your point, OP. Some people are financially better off than others due to a whole range of factors and life choices, of which marriage is just one. I don't understand why you'd be surprised by that.

So I’m single. I’ve been married. I was the bread winner but we shared income. We had nice holidays and a fairly nice life. But he was in a career that meant he wanted to live elsewhere. So he rented a house share in the south whilst I lived in our mortgaged property til I got fed up and decided to move nearer family. Moved in with parents til house sold. Sold the house at a loss. My better paid job went down the drain quite quickly but did get another decent but less well paid job. so when he moved back to stay we ended up renting a small flat and then buying a really cheap house based on my salary only. He got a job, still lower earning than mine. We had kids. I got made redundant. Had to do temping. He was briefly breadwinner til he left. I then got new job but part time to look after kids. I’m now single parent working part time and relying on tax credits. He’s no better off either, single man renting same sized house as mine but rent higher then my mortgage. Doesn’t earn much. Job takes him all over the country though.

I also have several friends now, my age, failed relationships, single parents, none of who are living the better lifestyle.

However I do work with colleagues who are on less qualified roles than mine so earning less, working part time or 10-2 so they can do all the kids stuff, drive nice cars and have nice holidays and houses. They all do have partners who are higher earners. I’ve even known a few quit so they can stay home as the work isn’t as flexible as they might need it.

so I guess the OP might be right in one hand but in the other there’s a whole other batch of women in totally different circumstances.

I’m on my second marriage. I have always earned far more than either of my husbands. My divorce was expensive for me, but not for my ex-husband. Your post belongs to a time years ago and I find it a bit offensive!

I know, you read these kind of anti-women comments on sites like the dreaded DM, saying things like men should never get married because women will just fleece them in divorce. I actually know quite a few women who have had to pay rather a lot to their ex husbands in the divorce!

Its like these people have never actually met a professional woman, and doubt that they exist. You begin to wonder if they actually deliberately pick male doctors, dentists, lawyers, psychologists, whatever. It really is very old fashioned and doesn't really represent a very wide demographic.

My DH is an engineer and his career is generally lower paid than mine (lawyer). Yet I've noticed that when I go along to social events with his work colleagues, unlike most people, they never, ever ask what I do for a living. Most people like talking about the law in some way or other but not engineers. Its like they think that I couldn't possibly do anything as important as engineering.

Exactly this.

Also self employed/business owning men. The vast majority of "self made" wealthy S/e or business "men" I know were massively helped (especially in the early days of the business) by the support of their "stay at home" wife, who usually does all kinds of business "support", such as marketing, answering the phone, typing up/emailing quotes/invoices, book-keeping, ordering supplies, and all kinds of other admin and business support services. (The same could apply to a business woman who has the support of a stay at home husband!).

My most successful client (I'm an accountant) sold "his" business for £20million which he started from a hobby workshop in his garage and built it up to a design & manufacturing firm with 300 staff, selling it's products worldwide. He would regularly say he literally couldn't have done it without his wife who basically did everything except the "dirty" work of making things for the first few years until it took off and could afford to take on staff. She was the one who handled everything during the working day (orders, enquiries, etc) as he was still working full time in his day job and could only work in his garage evenings & weekends, and then held the house and family together once he got to the stage of having to travel (home and abroad) to make contacts and sell his products.

People from outside would have looked at her and thought "she did well as a SAHM on the back of her wealthy hubby" but the reality is the opposite. People don't understand what goes on behind closed doors and don't realise the blood sweat and tears needed to be successful, often done by the spouse who people wrongly thinks just sits at home filing her nails!.

Is it a marriage thing... or just a two income household thing??
If you're splitting bills and expenses then obviously you have more loose money!

Having kids is v v expensive!

Tell that to my sister who had to give her rat ex half her inheritance AND take on the mortgage.
He's done a lot better than her out of the marriage, having earned less than half what she does for years.