To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

@brookstar Why would you want to go out of your way to make other women feel bad about themselves?

Are you genuinely saying we can't criticize other women's choices because they might 'feel bad'? That itself seems a sexist statement -- that women are so sensitive that any alternative view might hurt their emotions?

Surely the whole point of debate is to explore alternative views about approaches to motherhood, hence MN....

I know just 2 women who benefited financially from marriage, and 30 off the top of my head who have had their lives and earning potential completely ruined by it.

Of the 2 that benefited, one made some very unethical decisions and ruined other people's lives to get the man, house and lifestyle. The other one, while a lovely person, is entirely dependent on the man for her lifestyle and would have nothing were it not for him.

I also know of 2 childless couples where both sets of spouses have benefited equally.

The moral of the story is...

No. Sometimes families make choices for one person to reduce work but it's still a contribution and saves on nanny/Gardner/cleaner/carer etc. woman who choose not to do that can have a career/be financially independent just like men do. Also choosing not to pursue a career is not the 'easy' option, this is a misconception usually from career woman/men who see themselves as superior.

Are you genuinely saying we can't criticize other women's choices because they might 'feel bad'? That itself seems a sexist statement -- that women are so sensitive that any alternative view might hurt their emotions?

Surely the whole point of debate is to explore alternative views about approaches to motherhood, hence MN....

Who gives anyone the right to criticise anyone's choices though?

Debating is one thing but you've no right to criticise or judge. It's not sexist to say that.

She said her choices mean more money for the kids when they need it later in life. They are six months old for a very short time and not sure how anyone tanking their career so they can be there for soft play is worth it in the long term.

The financial aspect of raising kids seems to be ignored here, you can't raise them and launch them on good vibes and happy thoughts

Our DD had a mix of nanny/full time childcare/some time with MiL from before 6 months. She also later boarded at school for several years.

She's now a happy, successful young woman with a great career, and is very close to us whilst also being extremely independent. She has already said she'd do the same with her own DC when they come along.

I expect you're hoping for examples of people whose lives were ruined by being in childcare at a young age.

If two people of reasonably equal earning ability are willing to share a bed and a bathroom, their living costs halve and they have roughly twice as much money as single adult living in a similar amount of space. The difference in average earnings between men and woman is completely insignificant compared to this advantage.

I've just googled average earnings, average male 33K, average female 28K, so the household income would be📧

Female alone 28K
Male alone 33K
Male-female couple 61K

I don't view my child being in childcare as a problem to be overcome. I'm happy to use good quality childcare to facilitate me and dh working.

I see your point, although their living costs don’t actually halve as there is still transport costs, full council tax, clothes etc

I’ve got a career and use a nursery but have been a SAHM and think to not be able to decide what is best for my child and family at that particular time would of been detrimental to us all. There is definitely an air of superiority within society and among many working mothers, why else would so many bemoan the fact that childcare costs take up a significant portion of their income and not more tax payer help, even when they don’t fall into the low income group which receive 85% of their costs paid. SAHM generally forfeit their entire income and research shows they are generally not choosing to be SAHM because their partners earn any more than mothers in paid employment. All the SAHM I know make significant material sacrifices and I disagree with the idea that you have to provide your children with lots of material possessions, endless opportunities and trust funds etc. I’ve not been able to provide that to my older child and yet dc gone out and created secure happy lives for themselves. Actually the worst thing I did we’re the times I thought I needed to prioritise work over just being happy myself and there as a happy relaxed mum for my kids

Actually the worst thing I did we’re the times I thought I needed to prioritise work over just being happy myself and there as a happy relaxed mum for my kids

That's fine, but I personally found maternity leave unbearable. I was so relieved to go back to work part time and then covid/redundancy happened so I was at home again with a one-year-old. Having 3 days at work is what makes me a happy and relaxed mum. Not all mums who work are doing it against their will!

Actually the worst thing I did we’re the times I thought I needed to prioritise work over just being happy myself and there as a happy relaxed mum for my kids

But everyone is different. I hated maternity leave, work makes me happy which makes me a better mum.

I think it depends who you marry. My husband's skint. But he has a heart of gold! 🥰

@Gwenhwyfar OP wasn't talking about life after divorce, she's talking about married life.

My point is, she's actually talking about life in a cohabiting relationship but keeps banging on about marriage as though unmarried women in a relationship somehow live their lives without financial implications one way or another. It's bizarre.

Not me, in all relationships (and former marriage) I have been the main wage earner and now I support us all financially, own the house and I imagine will always have to do this as my partner doesn't earn much at all. There are benefits (ie control of finances as I've had to be good with money, having nobody to fall back on). Also partner has to pull his weight, on that basis I've ok with it. Some people I know who are married and better off financially, I wouldn't swap with for the world as the men seem to get first dibs on weekends away, nights out etc! I do feel for single parents, I think it is tough from what I've seen

YABU, I earn significantly more than my husband, I earn double, but he supports me and vice versa, we are in love and happy. It's alot more common now that women do earn more than men. You chose to marry or you don't... usually not for financial gain...and support each other emotionally, financially etc...if you want what you think other woman have then get married and find out for yourself.

I earn 3x my husbands salary. We have a comfortable life. People often think we have it because of him. We don’t but we are a team. My success is his success.

@Pippainthegarden That's a lovely sermon and your life sounds simply marvellous.

Going back to my actual point though, if you and your DH weren't married but all other aspects of your life were the same then you'll still have benefited from his apparent magnanimity wouldn't you? You're in a better place financially than you would be if you were single by virtue of the fact you're in a relationship, not because you're married. It's not rocket science yet OP and posters like yourself seem to think marriage is a golden ticket to financial stability....when it's the simple fact someone else is chipping in to pay the bills.

I think anyone who is married to someone who is earning more money benefits financially, so long as that person is willing to share in the marriage.

Unfortunately, I feel that individuals and society values money more than anything else. Therefore, a person who is working long hours and earning lots of money is considered more valuable than the person staying at home maintaining the house, preparing meals, caring for children etc, because they are not earning money. However, the 'breadwinner' is only able to work long hours etc because he/she has someone at home to carry out the domestic duties. Sometimes the 'breadwinner' doesn't appreciate the 'stay at home spouse'.

A good marriage should involve both parties sharing and valuing each other equally.

It is hard when one is alone, especially if they have children and are on a low income because they have to pay for everything themselves. However, this can include men too. Some men are on low to medium incomes and have to pay support for their children, plus everything else for themselves like rent, food, travel etc, and sometimes they cannot claim benefits if they are working if the child benefit is in the mother's name.

I think there is a lot of sex discrimination out there against women and against men and it needs to be challenged.

Married men have more wealth/assets than single men. The best 'well off' arrangement to be in at the moment is married with no children.

Yup, this is often a subject of discussion between me and ( single) mates. As others have said, dual income for one household or 2 people running one home obviously makes life ( much) easier; and I know very many married women who are extremely comfortable/ well off many having never worked (in external employment) post mid 20s. Equally I know one person who supports her husband through college , and a few ( the minority) families where both slog away to provide good household income. I think pensions is the biggest issue - I know of not one single woman who will be/ is comfortably off at retirement- but think that’s a generational thing. Guess it’s a case of grass always seems greener - some women I know literally have millionaire lifestyles but have to ask for permission to even buy an item under £10 , let alone holidays/ furnishings/ clothes etc and when they get divorced the money walks/ “ disappears” - truly the gilded cage ; others are bored out of their mind “ running house” and catering for hubby’s business partners. Others are just very lucky I guess!!! Not sure Madonna, Kylie or others of an ilk would have more money if they married?! Singledom gives you the freedom to spend every penny as you wish - however if it’s all just disappearing on bills etc it can feel a bit rough. Money would be the last thing I envy truly happily married couples for ( companionship, support etc priceless ) but we can’t all be so lucky!!! Tis what it is!

My husband saves a lot of money and gains a lot of practical perks, being married to me.

My QOL wouldn’t be dissimilar if single.

I work very part time because I want to, as we have young children. He benefits financially from this decision. If we split, I am worse off due to this career gap.

My inheritance/trust is significantly greater than his, ultimately he benefits the most from our union (in monetary terms).

OP, I don’t think your generalisations are particularly accurate these days, your anecdotal observations don’t reflect people in my life.

Whilst 2 wages in a home is a no brainer of course they will usually have a better way of life. But just think about what women have to put up with within a marriage. Some are treated like servants having to wait on their husbands and children and they give up their freedom as they are taking on the responsibility of running a home bringing up the kids and having to keep their
husbands happy it’s not perfect. Most men need a carer not a wife and you don’t often see the man doing chores and waiting on the wives and children 24/ like a woman is expected to. I would rather have my freedom and not have as much cash so I can be happy as opposed to be in a relationship where I shoulder all of the responsibilities. I have been married and my husband was bone idle and he gave up work whilst I could run the house and spend all my wages on him. Luckily I am now single and am now much happier. Every person and situation is different and with pressure put on people to marry and have their own home and work it’s what most people aim towards. I have single friends with lots of cash and married friends with hardly any cash and vice Versa

And I pressed send before I meant to. I think the original post a bit odd. The way is written is very critical against women who chose to be sahm. Almost like they have leeched on to the 'poor' men who have no say in the matter. Presumably, because the ones you speak of are all still married, everyone is happy with the relationship. And you mentiom nothing of the benefits to the man in the relationship. As if money is everything. SAH parenting is not easy. It's a job in itself. I earn twice as much as my husband and he does me if the housework than I do because I work longer hours. He has reduced his hours recently which is a decisive we took together. Do I think I'm bankrolling him? No. He does the most of the house stuff and childcare.