To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

If you're the person I responded to then you did not detail any barriers intrinsic to sex.

You mentioned some that no longer exist in the world we live in.

And the second paragraph did not mention any barriers.

So the only barrier you can mention is having to care for children during the pandemic?

I'm asking what barriers are there to become senior at work that are inherently due to being female? And it's not me trying to pick a fight. As I said I know women who took full mat leave more than once and are still senior at work. I'm genuinely asking.

I said I was not senior because I didn't want to be. There are multiple times I could have become senior had I wanted to go on that path.

I genuinely am unaware of these barriers mentioned, and I would appreciate something concrete. I find it interesting they did not exist for my friends.

What are they?

What? I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about?

I apologise, I thought you were someone else. It's the nesting.

No worries. The nesting function is not an improvement 😟

I had to ringfence my money and assets, then take legal advice to make sure my ExH couldn't come after any of it. My partner and I are much more matched financially so I wouldn't be opposed to marriage in the future, possibly.
He would talk about how he might give up work to live off the "family money" (mine, and the inheritances with which he was so obsessed 🙄).
I didn't have kids with him though, one of the many reason I left!

Absolutely. And for those women who never earned it, it’s not really theirs. What I mean is that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship if you don’t pull your weight financially. Those women don’t generally get to make the final decision on where to live, what school to send dcs to, etc, etc. i was previously the much higher earner in the relationship with my ex, and I made the final decision on what house to buy etc. it may be unspoken in many relationships but the one bringing the money gets the power.

Now I’m a single parent and have amassed some decent assets via hard work. And it’s all mine - I earned it. And I can do what I like with it.

that’s the difference imo. If you have to rely on someone else for financial security, your whole life will be spent making sure they’re happy. It’s a job for life and a precarious one.

Much better to be able to support yourself imo than bank on “marrying well”.

I have been on infinity times my husband's salary. I'm not any more, which is a good thing for our household income!

(I do agree that it would be unusual for someone to be on ten times their husband's salary though. Probably even less usual than my infinity times!)

I’ve become disabled and earn a lot less than DH these days, but we still have an equal say in decisions. I never pulled rank when I was the higher earner and neither has/would he.

I appreciate @Villagewaspbyke ‘s point though. It takes a huge amount of trust to be financially depended on someone, and a lot of men use that as a means to control.

How sexist and out of date your post is OP.

Don't you know most women are expected to keep the house and pick up most of tge childcare too as well as work? Men benefit far more from marriage than women and I'll tell you how I know this - Married men live longer than single men. Single women live longer than married women.

As the bread winner in our family, knowing lots of other families like mine and others where men did not earn more than the women, I am telling you loud and clear, that
you are being completely unreasonable.

Grow up and wake up.

*dependent.

Statistically the majority of women make less than their partner but in a significant minority of couples (about 25% or so) the opposite is true. I earned more than my ex.

women don’t benefit from marriage any more than men benefit. I wouldn’t have benefited from marriage- in fact I would have been worse off. Men or women benefit financially from marrying someone richer than them. But as I said above, it may well be the hardest money you ever earn.

To those who see marriage as more of a financial contract than a partnership based on love, respect and partnership, just interested to see what you think DH and I should have done when I became disabled and my earnings dropped drastically? In reality we did nothing because we already saw each other as equal, different it’s true, and with different earning abilities (he quickly out earned me once I had children) but still equal with neither getting to make the bulk of the decisions, financial or otherwise.

Surely this has always been the case, of course there are advantages to working in a partnership successfully together whether it be through marriage, running a business, a project etc. I wouldn’t expect the stats to show anything different and at the other end of the scale single parents who have never married followed by divorced men and women.
if I could wish one thing for my children it would be a happy marriage, above career etc. If they can have both amazing, if they can have a nice career and happy single life good on them too

You mentioned some that no longer exist in the world we live in.

Which don't exist? I research this for a living, everything I write about still exists and still negatively impacts woman's career development.

So the only barrier you can mention is having to care for children during the pandemic?

No, I said the pandemic highlighted the issues. The issues have always been there but the pandemic highlighted them in a way which was quite difficult to ignore. The fact (and it is a fact) that women take on more responsibility for childcare is a barrier to career progression. There was a court case recently where a woman was awarded compensation because she was indirectly discriminated against due to her because her company refused to consider flexible working with no justifiable reason. This barrier hasn't disappeared.

I'm asking what barriers are there to become senior at work that are inherently due to being female? And it's not me trying to pick a fight. As I said I know women who took full mat leave more than once and are still senior at work. I'm genuinely asking.

Of course there are women who progress to senior positions at work after taking maternity leave. However, we're not talking about individuals, we're talking about trends and the data tells us that women are underrepresented in senior levels despite being over represented in professional occupations. Either women are inherently not suited to hold senior positions or there are barriers to progression. Just because you or your friends haven't experienced these barriers doesn't mean they don't exist.

Barriers include:

• societal expectations
• unconscious bias
• women taking on more caring responsibilities
• pregnancy and maternity leave (especially if you have a difficult pregnancy or birth)
• menopause

All of these can, and do, impact woman's career progression. This isn't just me picking things out of thin air. There is a significant amount of factual data to support this.

If I take academia as an example then there is evidence to show how everything on that list negatively impacts female academics- so much so there are specific initiatives set up to address these barriers!

I never actually “pulled rank” either. I didn’t have to. I think if people were honest they would admit that the power does mainly sit with the higher earner.

Also when we broke up, as we were not married I walked away with all my assets. I knew that was the consequences of the break up and so did he. You only have to read the relationship board to see that women will often put up with quite a lot when they know the financial consequences of leaving are bad. So again- a big imbalance in earnings does not a happy relationship make, imo.

Or have a child with someone who is willing to take on a fair share of the childcare so that both of you can progress your careers without the need to rely on childcare for long periods.

A beautiful example of how marriage is so much more than just a financial contract, I don’t understand these couples that keep scores, separate finances etc

This thread has fake troll/journo written all over it. Especially as the timing coincides with the one about pretentious parents. Both in trending, both on a Saturday where MN is always the busiest yet it's not a workday, both have well articulated bullet point lists with 4-5 arguments and a closing sentence almost trying to trigger more debate.

Don't bite people!

That’s the same thing. That’s my point.

But I am being honest! Neither of us makes the final decision based on our financial contribution, seriously we don’t and never have. Sometimes I compromise, sometimes he does. Money really and truly never comes into it. Perhaps we’re just unusual? I’ve got no reliable knowledge of anyone else’s relationship re money and power I have to confess.

P.s and also don’t get these people who talk of relying on the dh salary, pension etc, isn’t it a pure partnership for richer or poorer snd in sickness and health

Finance, law, accountancy, medicine, head-teacher, engineer….

I’m in banking and we start our graduates on £60,000 per year from which it goes up quite quickly. It’s relatively normal three or four years in to be on over £100,000 per year.

Yes but look at what it 'costs' them!

I can't go back and find out if it was you so likely not but thank you for that, yes I see the point.