To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I'm genuinely not a journalist @User34352515 I work in the arts.

yeah OP , its a good trap
i worked hard at school, independent, i make more than my DH ( obviously im married now )
pay and save for everything, my deposit, my mortgage, everything

my DS never bothered to do anything with her life , not even leave our home town( as many of my school friends stayed too and did the same as her!)
moved into her BFs already bought flat, then he bought her a new 3 bed home, takes her on holidays to his parents villa every year, 2 cars , big tv sound system - she has the cheek to complete about her life constantly. Its been 5 years since she had to set foot in a job

@Singleparent78 you sound BITTER about something, I’m not even sure what. And I think so much of this comes down to women being female and therefore the child bearers in said marriages… naturally resulting in a pause, or step back career wise… which is entirely irrelevant when it’s a partnership between husband and wife… my partner ‘out-earns’ me probably 6 fold, i live a lovely life, he’s lives a lovely life… our children live a lovely life… we are Co-dependent, of course! Which was the choice we made when we married, and frankly enjoy… We enjoy each other’s company, successes, support each other’s hard work… again, it’s a partnership… 2 rather that 1… Which would naturally result in a higher standard or living through x2 salaries etc… am I missing something?

SLT. Don't want to ever go for CEO should it arise, too much responsibility, but happy at exec level as I can still work part time.

What it means is that women have severely limited life choices, keeping them subjugated, while men, often undeserving, progress rapidly in their career, while society concomitantly reinforces the idea that these men are captains of industry, while the wives who support them are workshy, leeching their money and watching daytime TV.

My XH is a professor and I am CEO of a national professional body that negotiates with government on behalf of our sector. I now earn £100k more than him. I always earned more than him but he has a v healthy pension. And a partner. I am single.

@DilemmaBlah management consultancy

Money isn't everything. I look at many of my married friends and see how difficult it is to negotiate a long term partnership. Also as soon as you become financially unequal with your partner, the power balance shifts. Someone then has more to lose in the relationship. I have been in relationships that would have been financially brilliant for me. I wasn't happy though and no money is worth losing happiness for.

But so what if women do take the option of going PT or being a SAHM? There will be both men and women who value family time over money.

Surely having the option to work or stay at home is a good thing. I agree it's a privilege only a few have with the cost of living, but why is that a problem?

dH and myself created my families wealth together, we bought five doer uppers one after the other (from 2001) and sold them on for profit. After blood sweat and tears we have a very nice detached house in a very nice area. In the early days I earned more then him , however once the kids came along I became the main carer whilst his career excelled. I’m part time now and still the main carer but I guess it might look like DH provides a nice lifestyle when I fact it’s been a joint effort.

My DH is far better off financially for having married me. My steady salary enables him to run his own business and helped obtain the mortgage we need to live in our house.

Most of my friends have a lifestyle provided to them by the men they married so i agree with you @Singleparent78 . But would i want any of their men? No way. One is a cheat, one doesn't communicate and the other couple dislike each other. I'd rather be single than live like that.

Just saying all those posts that go on about making someone's career possible by doing some school runs and ironing some shirts, deluded. If you value money, earn it. If you choose family time or a caring worthwhile (poorly paid) profession, just shut up about money and enjoy your choices.

They do bloody work and facilitate their husbands, it's just not officially paid.

Yeah and the money is why they stay with them or at least a big part of it. I know quite a few women married to utterly dull men they dislike for money. I really couldn’t be f&cked with that. They have to negotiate everything and don’t have the choices I have. One of them told me recently that she was “allowed” a new car.

id much rather be a single mum any day of the week!

Too right

I work with many men with non working wives. None of the women in senior jobs I know have non working husbands. Why is it only men that have to be “facilitated”?

I work full time in a well paid job and I’m a single mum. No one is facilitating us. Also why is my domestic labour worth less than anyone else’s? No one is paid for doing domestic labour for themselves or their own children. Not officially and not unofficially.

Because if the senior women have husbands who work, nobody is being facilitated.

It seems a bit unlikely that men can reach senior roles AND have children AND be the sole earner without someone doing all the background stuff.

Is your children’s other parent around at all @Villagewaspbyke ?

Yeah, women in senior positions magically achieve success without a little wife to facilitate them at home.

I can never work out if this argument comes from men who think that they're too important to have to lift a finger at home or from women who want to claim credit for their partners' success. Or maybe a combination of the two?

There are actually very few careers where a partner at home is required to "facilitate" the other person's career.

But it’s true - one person at home doing all the childcare type dentist-appointment-carpet-cleaner stuff means the one at work doesn’t have to do it. So they can focus on being the wage earner.

And it’s overwhelmingly men in senior positions because it’s overwhelmingly women doing the childcare.

That’s senior leadership team in a bank?

I’m CEO -1 in ours, so a “Head of “, and I neither want (nor would be offered) the CEO position.

I work with many men with non working wives. None of the women in senior jobs I know have non working husbands. Why is it only men that have to be “facilitated”?

I work full time in a well paid job and I’m a single mum. No one is facilitating us. Also why is my domestic labour worth less than anyone else’s? No one is paid for doing domestic labour for themselves or their own children. Not officially and not unofficially.

ditto @Villagewaspbyke this is me too. I manage to do it all without facilitation or family nearby and don't get a pat on the back for the domestic labour I have to fit in on evenings & weekends.

But your compromise was your children having to be in wraparound childcare from six months old.