To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

@DilemmaBlah

What jobs pay 100k? There seems to be lots of people on here with that salary. What do you all do? I’m genuinely interested.

Makes you wonder doesn't it? The ones claiming it are probably googling 'jobs that pay over £100K a year' as we speak!

@Portiasparty But that doesn't suit your narrative does it OP?

All posts make generalisations.

Of course there will be women who make more than men/their partner. But statistically women on average do not and I think it's fair to side with statistics.

@Singleparent78 so you would have made a different choice with a second wage coming in?

Or do you truly believe that wraparound care at 6 months is the best for children?

Given the amount of women who post on here who are in abusive relationships, often straightforwardly financially abusive or where they are made to pay all childcare expenses whilst their partner pays little or even nothing, are you 100% certain that most women today are living in Jane Austen’s world OP?

Can you answer a single one of my questions or are you simply here fomenting discord for ‘a friend’? One with a beard and large Adam’s apple perchance? There’s something decidedly off about a thread where the proposed ‘problem’ is never, despite repeated requests, actually defined.

There's an inordinate amount of women on this thread who earn WAAAAY more than their husbands. And also an inordinate amount, who are single, who earn lashings of £££, and have exquisite lifestyles with no financial struggle at all. In real life this is not the case for most.

I used to work with a woman who worked full time and had an OK wage, yet she banged on every single day about the uber-fortunate 'double income' people and moaned and griped about how much better off we all were. She struggled to pay her mortgage, bills, and car repayments. She was lower management. I have known many more with seemingly reasonable, middle tier jobs - professional even, who struggle ALONE. NONE of them are - or ever have been on £100K a year plus. More like £32K to £40K tops.

We also have two single female neighbours who are single and divorced. Both 40 to 50 y.o and both work long hours to try and make ends meet, and have taken to buying clippers for their hedges and their own lawnmower, when they used to pay someone else to do it. They also do their own hair now and haven't been on holiday for 2-3 years. They admit they struggle massively.. They are both professionals and degree educated. They are not on the super salaries than some on here claim to be on.

My DH knows 3 women at work - all single - who beg for extra hours to top up their wages as they struggle so badly financially, and constantly tell the married women they know how lucky they are.

And of ALL the married women I know, NONE are on 3 to 5 times more money than their husband. It's just on mumsnet where women are on 3 to 5 times more money than their husband. And where sooooo many seem to be are on £100K a year plus. One poster even claimed to earn TEN times more than her husband! Sure Jan!

As I say, parallel world of mumsnet.

I haven't had an answer to the barriers women face in work intrinsic to sex.

I see another poster has had no answer to whether someone thinks wraparound care from 6 months is best for children.

Please stop @Pumperthepumper . Let me guess: 'I didn't have children for someone else to look after them'.....

@PurpleButterflyWings why do you assume that anyone disagreeing with the OP must be lying? Is it that unbelievable to you that a woman can earn more than a man? I despair.

Why is this not a valid question?

@WorriedWoking were you asking for a response from me? The thread is moving so fast, it's hard to keep up....

I mean, I suppose you COULD be on 10 times more money than your husband if he is on £2,500 to £3,000 a year.

Thats a perfectly reasonable question: with a second salary would you have put your 6 month old into wraparound care? How much would you value your salary in that case?

No, it's a conversation between Pumperthepumper
and Singleparent78

How come only one side is allowed to ask questions?

Why should she "stop"? Why can't she ask that? Why can't singleparent think about this question?

Why are you trying to gatekeep that particular conversation?

I never said that. DO keep up dear. I am sure a few women DO earn more than their husbands. I struggle to believe the posters who are claiming they're on £100K a year salaries, and who say they earn, 3, 4, or 5 times more than their husbands. AND even TEN times more. I am entitled to not believe it! That's my prerogative! I am entitled to my own views you know. It's a free country!

Oh, sorry, it is you/

Why won't you answer?

Depressingly I have to agree with you. I was single until my late thirties and would say my standard of living changed dramatically and my partner is no smarter or highly educated than me…just earns a massive amount more. It’s totally shit and I hope this changes before my daughters grow up!

I might have done something different but it's hard to say as I didn't even really ponder the choices if you see what I mean. I work in a v competitive field and reducing my hours could have had a long-term impact on my career. I have to think carefully about these things as the sole breadwinner.

This is a perfect example of what happens when some women benefit by having a partner - they get on their high horse about things like wraparound care because they have the OPTION of opting out because they have the cushion of someone else's income.

@FinallyHere All the individuals I was referring to had amazing careers, some university educated in the 1930s, literally amazing women. Very comfortably off.

They had ample to pay for care and did pay tens of thousands for it. But being on their own at the end of life, with no close associations, when parents, friends and siblings had/were dying…. It was hard on them.

Agree we could be saving an absolute fortune as DINKs…. However I want to have the potential to be surrounded by family I’m intimately associated with in old age….. rather than have to rely on relatives I would previously only have seen once or twice a year…. To scrape me off the floor and clean up my vomit while awaiting the ambulance.

People have this complete misconception that ample money for care will save them from losing their dignity and/or needing additional help.

Was a carer for a long time and helped various family. Sadly if you’re on your own it can be quite grim regardless of money.

My husband benefits vastly from being married to me. I earn more (despite working part time, and he full) and he now has a year's worth of savings like I do, when we met he was in debt. In my particular circle, I only know one couple where the man is the higher earner and even then the woman has more assets from family money. Of course some or many women do benefit but most people, male or female, benefit from being in a couple.

Yes I know what you mean.

I haven't had an answer to the barriers women face in work intrinsic to sex.

Yes you have. I responded in detail.
It's not just about when you are in work, it's also everything leading up to someone participating in the labour market.

The pandemic highlighted this perfectly. Once you take away paid childcare as an option, guess which sex sees their careers negatively impacted 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Singleparent78 having a kid would be the thing that impacted your career regardless. And you still chose that. Did you take Mat leave?

That’s still the answer to your question though - childcare falls largely to women. Therefore women earn less. So the choice is: put your six month old in wraparound care, or rely on someone else’s salary.

All other things being equal, it's cheaper to run one larger household than two smaller ones. I don't think that's rocket science. Even the addition of children (and of course being married doesn't automatically equal children, or vice versa) probably still doesn't push the costs up to that of running two households.

Well one person in a marriage generally has to work and develop their career.

But obviously it’s generally going to be easier to raise kids in a household with two parents than with one. Whether that’s with both parents working and earning and sharing the childcare and housework, or with one parent shouldering the burden of earning while the other shoulders the burden of childcare and housework. Of course it’s easier than one person doing both. (Though incidentally I think a lot of married women end up doing both!)

Our situation is that both my husband and I earn roughly equivalent salaries and both work PT, four days (with different days off). And the children are in childcare three days PW. Obviously I couldn’t do that if I were a single parent. The household income would be halved and the childcare bill would be nearly doubled.

Personally I think single parents should be given far more financial help (particularly with childcare costs) but that’s another thread.