Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

I have two siblings who excelled academically and in their chosen career.

Myself, I did exceptionally well at school but 'lost my way' afterwards. By that I mean, 'didn't really know what I wanted to do and dossed around a bit'. I look back on those years as such happy times, being 'normal', hanging out with my friends and finding my way. I worked from the minute I left university, paying my way, albeit in nothing show-off worthy.

I am acutely aware that my mother thinks I should have done this or that and it is very disappointing, after so many years of trying to just be myself.

I had a tough time with this. The problem was that I felt responsible for DC (who was not very hard-working) not making use of their potential. I felt that it would be my fault, that they would really regret it when they were older, etc. It had a negative effect on our relationship. DC was surrounded by people saying that they were very talented, offering scholarships and free training, etc etc. There was pressure not to let people down and not to waste a "gift". And actually DC kept up with one aspect of the talent and is still doing well, but our relationship was damaged. It was such a relief to me when they became an adult, and I stopped feeling responsible for how they progressed. And so much easier with DC2, who doesn't have that kind of ability.

I have ADHD, as does my sister and husband. We are all professionals. It will be a hard slog dealing with the distractions, procrastination, inability to focus then suddenly hyperfocusing, not sitting still, not listening as in own world etc etc but it doesn't mean they won't be happy and successful xx

And this is all compounded in this day and age of social media likes as social currency, when the reality is that ten minutes after hitting like on that amazing brag post about someone elses spectacular child, most people are more concerned about what they are going to make for dinner that night.

My husband is very clever (PHD etc) and has a good job. It's not quite good enough for my in-laws who exaggerate what he does for a living to anyone who will listen.

He loves his job and is happy but that's not good enough as they want to brag about his successes. It's really sad they can't just be proud and happy that he's happy.

I’ll also add that as someone without kids, I’ve noticed that pretty much ALL my friends who are parents (of which there are many) have proudly told me how advanced their child is for their age in something or other: vocabulary, numbers, reading, music or whatever else. I feel happy for them that they’re so proud of their gorgeous children, but I think it kind of goes to show that sometimes ‘exceptional’ kids aren’t quite as exceptional as their parents might think they are.

Yes, absolutely. It's sweet really how excited people get about their children and much nicer than not being proud of them, but sometimes a reality check is in order. I always have a bit of a giggle at the occasional threads on here where people post pictures their child has done for everyone to gasp at and it always just looks exactly like you'd expect a picture by that age child to look.

Primary school children really vary -some arrive already reading, some take more time. But the majority end up in the same place. A lot of primary school is just waiting for them all to get to that same place.

I remember wondering whether DS would become a mathematician based on the fact he was doing number bonds to 20 when the rest of the class had only got up to 10 😂 Perhaps the first person to be awarded a Fields Medal for being good at number bonds to 20 😂

I can’t help but be disappointed by my DS’s academic achievements either, he has done well but he could have done brilliantly if he’d cared. So I get it OP. I keep my disappointment to myself as much as I can but DS knows and we have spoken about this a few times. I do also count my blessings as I know in the grand scheme of things that I am lucky. Nonetheless it niggles.

YABVVVU. Why would your son need to be a genius.

DS was super bright, but lazy and inconsistent. Has adhd. Scraped through exams despite exclusions, with As and Bs and accepted for IT at college. Pissed it all away as it was too much effort and is now a carer for disturbed young men after years as a fork lift truck driver. DD my little plodder has a high flying job.

I think it's really important to separate our egos from our children's lives. We are not vindicated by what they do, it is their life to live, just as ours should have been were ours to live.

Depends what you measure ‘success’ by. If he is growing up to be a decent person then that is the only achievement needed for you both IMO

Having been one of those of whom a lot was expected and didn’t achieve the level that was expected, I have a biased viewpoint on this - I personally wanted to be pushed more but couldn’t express it…and didn’t realise that it was what I wanted until I’d gone past the point of no return.
As always, communication is just so, so key.

Sometimes that's what puts me off having kids myself, due to my expectations and how they could turn out academically.

Tragic but irrelevant. A bit like those threads where someone posts about being sad that their husband won't help with the kids, and someone replies "at least you've got a husband, mine died last week".

I think that when children start out they have the potential to become anything at all and to achieve dizzying heights of achievement. As they grow older those doors start to close off.

If your kid hasn't started playing the piano obsessively by age 8 or isn't on the elite gymnastics squad at 6 then they're never going to be world class in those areas. If you're not playing national tournaments at tennis by age 16 you're never going to win a grand slam. If you haven't discovered something ground breaking in maths by age 25 it's not gonna happen. So in that way it's constantly disappointing to be a parent for the vast majority of us.

In other ways though our children continue to surprise, amaze, impress us and fill us up with wonder, joy and pride as they age.

Is it possible, that what you're actually experiencing, is a moment of learning?

That you're now faced with an opportunity to reframe what you see as success.

I genuinely want this for my children;

• that they earn enough to be comfortable enough not to worry overly about sustaining themselves and their loved ones
• that they find someone who makes them happy, treats them kindly and that the feeling is mutual
• that they also see past the rat race and realise what truly brings happiness
• that they are healthy and free of addiction and self harming behaviours

Perhaps your son is showing you that your views on success aren't real. That having a certain academia, job or salary doesn't define you. Nor does it give or take away any value.

Is your kid kind? Caring? Funny? Healthy? Balanced? If so, you're extremely blessed.

Your job as a parent is to share with them what truly matters in life, not put silly expectations on them.

“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

This is beautiful wisdom from William Martin. That is all.

Seen people with a good education working stacking shelves. But then if it feeds their family. As long as he is happy and healthy. Some ppl take a year off from studies, then go on to have great careers.

This. This was me in primary. I was then a huge disappointment when I didn't live up to my academic " promise". Don't understand how incredibly shit that made me feel. Cue a long bout of self harm and eating disorders. If you are disappointed in your kid, they know. One of my 3 dds is showing similar promise at primary school but I will not have high expectations, it just isn't fair. I genuinely would rather my kids were happy.

Well I was supposed to go to Oxford as I was so remarkably bright...
Turns out I'm actually at the top end of dead average and don't really have that much drive.
So I've got a good managerial position in a law firm but, sorry mum, I'm no actuary on £200k a year. What's to stop YOU training to be one though?

• don't underestimate

Meanwhile, over in Kidsnet...

"Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed that my mother isn't the wonderful/goddess/all round Best Mummy Ever that I thought she was when I was 3?"

I love this, thank you for posting.

He’s 16. You (and he) have literally no idea what he will become. My PIL were both highly educated professionals. And they expected the same educational success from their dc. Unfortunately, my DH hated school. Was disruptive, didn’t try, always in trouble, left with hardly any qualifications. But, he picked a career and he absolutely excelled in it. Worked his ass off and made it to the very top, getting the relevant qualifications along the way. He is undoubtedly far more successful (and as it happens, a nicer person) than his sister who has more qualifications than you can shake a stick at. His parents STILL do not seem to understand how that happened (he’s actually really clever, but school did not suit him) and still get on at him for not going to Uni! He’s past 50 but that still hurts him. At 16 your son could be literally anything.

@ladygindiva stunning!