Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

Haha this was me, I ended up mediocre but I hope my family are proud still. I love my life, I often think ahhh if only I'd applied myself (I was lazy because I didn't have to work to get good marks- I wasn't pushed and I didn't realise at the time it was important to work hard), but on the whole all good.

I'm sad that my sunny, friendly, confident toddlers grew up to have anxiety and mental health issues, certainly. I look back at their joyful tiny selves and wish more of that carried forward. My heart breaks for them now.

Maybe have a look at the top trending thread at the moment and have a rethink OP.

I was this child. So ahead of my peer group so young, so my mum pushed me into everything. Sent me to a private school nowhere near me which I hated. Made me go to extra curricular clubs which I didn't want to go to. Helicoptered every part of my learning. I resented it so much and ended up leaving school as soon as I was able to, and worked in a call centre. Anything where the pressure was off! I think I just went through a leap when I was younger , but everyone caught up but my mum had it in her head I was "lazy" and not trying. Sorry, not really what you asked but thought I would give another perspective!!

My high achiever has never put her degree to use. She got a summer job at a zoo whilst in her last year and after graduating in physics, joined the zoo full-time and has never left. She loves her job and the only regret she has is that she "wasted" (her words, not mine) her time getting her physics degree instead of getting one in zoology. I am not disappointed in her at all, she is happy, confident and loves her job.....so, to me, she is successful and I'm very proud of her.

Being a genius is not all it's cracked up to be

This. Your son sounds happy and sociable. He sounds like his friends and his social life are equally as important for him as his academic achievements. This may be no bad thing.

What were you hoping for? Oxbridge? Yes, they are excellent universities, but I know a fair few people for whom an Oxbridge place was the start of an incredibly stressful academic and professional treadmill that they had really trouble exiting when it wasn't working for them. Partly due to the weight of expectations (including their own) on them. It is not for everybody and it is not a bad thing for your son to have a well-rounded outlook on life and to be content to do "well enough". He can leave it to other people to set the world on fire, if that's what he chooses.

OP I think it’s too early for you to judge how he’s ‘turned out’.

one of my brothers was quite like your son. Under performed at gcse and a level and university - he prioritised his social life more though I don’t know that he was ‘happy’.

but now in mid life he is very very successful and if anything works too hard.

i had a glittering academic career. Straight As, prestigious degree at top university.

i then spent my 20s as a freelance creative. My dad in particular made it clever he was disappointed and thought I was throwing it all away.

in my late 20s I clmade a serious of changes that have eventually led me into a more conventional career. I like the stability and good pay, but find the experience of my 20s continually relevant.

i wouldn’t change anything.

the greatest gift a parent can give a child is true acceptance. Can you love him, separate from the external markers and labels of success society has constructed?

YABU

I don’t get why parents want their children to be clever/academic/a genius. It really doesn’t bring happiness and has its own problems.

I believe, and it’s just my view, that the happiest people are of average ability.

Success is more about interest, confidence and tenacity than being several reading years ahead of your peers at primary. I also think making a big deal about the latter can actually hamper children in developing the former - being praised for being naturally good at things isn’t as helpful as praising effort and not giving in.

My parents feel this way about me, well my DM has moved on from it now but my DF feels like this and tells me fairly regularly. I was an early, precocious talker, G&T, excelled at GCSEs, Oxbridge offer...they didn't take me in the end because I slightly missed out on my A-Level offer. I had severe mental health problems that caused me to miss a third of my year 13 schooling. I did go on to get a first class degree in a traditional subject at a 'good' uni (albeit not Russel group). However graduated into a very low paid job - as it was the first I secured, was meant to be temporary...- and then fell pregnant soon afterwards. No career to speak of and still at the same employer after having my second, working PT on a low wage. It's not how I expected my life to pan out so I can understand their disappointment to some extent. On the other hand, I have a lot of things I didn't expect to have when I was 16 and had terrible depression. Like an absolutely amazing soul mate of a husband who I had the joy of meeting at only 18. And my two beautiful little children. Plus recovery from the depression that ruined my adolescence and early 20s.

I think having thoughts like this should be an opportunity to reflect on why we value what we value.

Why is the roofer of a PP's post (making sure buildings are sound and do their job of keeping us warm and dry. What's not to like about a non-leaky roof?) doing work of less value than a 'genius', whatever that is?
'Potential' is just that - potential. It doesn't guarantee anything.

I'm hoping my children are developing a work ethic, a social conscience, ideally a passion or vocation. The detail of what they do within that, provided it's legal and ethical, is very, very secondary.

Depends what you define success as.

I met my DH when he was just 18 at uni. Very lazy. Didn't do much in first year. In contrast I worked very hard and was very studious, got a first etc etc. He somehow learnt to have a work ethic and is now in a senior role at a company earning six figures (34 years old). He earns a lot more than me and is what I would define as being more successful.

What I'm saying is that 16 year old boys can be a bit academically lazy and it's no indication of future success.

Equally if you define success as doing the job that makes you happy regardless of money, and he achieves that, then that's also brilliant and you should be proud.

My dad was a "wonderkid". He has a photographic memory and would swallow and instantly any number of books as a kid. He taught himself to read, would recite the encyclopaedia at 4; absolutely walked through school correcting teachers's errors (to their great dismay!), easily passed Maths uni entrance exam to one of the most elite unis in the world with no tutoring whatsoever, which the vast majority fail (after a lot of tutoring) and easily finished with a doctorate. His general knowledge of pretty much anything is off the charts. He can recite in detail and chronological order all the royal family trees of Europe since before the Roman times with dates and names etc.

He could have done absolutely anything in life, but went into business that initially made him rich, but then went bankrupt after a shock crash and he's now doing well, but certainly nothing extraordinary. I know it's not my kid, but I always feel a bit sorry that he has wasted his amazing potential.

instantly remember*

Honestly there's years to go yet. I was strong academically and sort of coasted through education. I know my parents were disappointed as I could have 'done better' if I'd studied. But I had fun. But once in the workplace, where money and status was up for grabs, I worked my socks off and achieved. Happiness and opportunity are the most important things imo.

This was me to a T as a child. Very very bright but totally lazy. Able to ace exams with no revision, getting really decent grades but basically not pushing myself to get the absolute top marks.

It has worked out pretty well tbh - I have forged a really good career and able to do stuff very quickly but efficiently meaning I don’t work ridiculous hours and have free time to do stuff (like be on MN during the day)

I have friends who have studied very disciplined subjects like medicine and needed to be academically bright but also put all their focus towards study and work. I much prefer being this way around! I have a good work / life balance and have also been able to achieve stuff without too much effort.

Being very academically focused isn’t the be all and end all. Don’t write him off yet!

Indeed this thread made me think of that one too. I know what I'd rather have.

I probably underachieved for my parents too. My DH definitely did!

Urgh what a horrible way to think.

Are they still doing that gifted and talented nonsense in schools? It means absolutely nothing, and sets up children, and more importantly their pushy parents to have stupid expectations that their kids can’t ever live up to!

The number of children who become distinctly average as they move through the education system is huge!
nothing wrong with average,- most of us are despite what shite is spouted on mumsnet.

leave your 16 year old alone to find their own path.
Take a massive Step back, and count your blessings

My friend's son was academically gifted as a young child, an incredible little boy with as astounding thirst for knowledge and an impressive memory for facts and figures. At 13, he's a rather unhappy and anxious young person, who struggles socially and has recently had an ASD diagnosis.

My brother is the smartest person I know, people always comment on it. Did he do well as high school…no. He was bored, he corrected teachers mistakes and was fed up. He was known as the class clown. He went to college coz he couldn’t be bothered with uni, then followed on to graduate from uni later than all his peers. He has had good jobs but none that I feel were suited to his intellect. Finally in his late 30s he got an amazing, well paid job that motivates him and he has also done further uni courses in the evening. He has and continues to climb the ladder in there so quickly.
My point is it took him a long time but it was done in his time. I never heard my mum or dad fear that he wasn’t doing well they were happy so long as he was happy. My advice would be to support your son and let him flourish in his own way and time.

I can't imagine being disappointed in my kids. They are both autistic so have struggled socially which I would never have wished for them but have found their own way. I am immensively proud of everything they have achieved. They are both kind and funny and ambitious - not necessarily to be doctors or lawyers but they have things they love and they work hard to be better at them. I just want them both to be happy and with the social issues that has been a rocky road but I think they will be ok. Putting your own expectations onto your kids is unfair and more likely than not to disappoint!

I understood and accepted early on that my children, while they were really smart, really excelled at all sorts of things, were absolutely amazing to my wife and me, but like most children, they were not particularly special in any grand scheme of things.

They are all pretty special to their parents, and most find a way of living up to their potential in one way or another, though it may not always be the same that the parents wanted to see.

my aspirations for my dc is for them to find love and happiness in life. Job status is such a wrong focus.

He's only sixteen. He may yet discover more great gifts, he has his whole life ahead of him. It's a hormonal maelstrom of an age, give him a chance.

I've just come from the thread where a mother is sitting at her 18 year old's bedside waiting for his life support to be switched off. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious, I honestly don't, but really, if your son is happy and stable, that is enough to be proud of

It's really tasteless to use this as a stick to beat OP with. Her son's stability isn't really something for her to be proud of, anyway, any more than the opposite is something to be ashamed of. It's largely a matter of luck.