Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

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How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

I think we can safely assume that all decent schools will be oversubscribed and operating at full capacity in Year 10.

Agreed. its the only thing you really can do at this point.

Anything else right now will be pissing into the wind. Itll all come back on you unpleasantly.
Shes made her bed now. The more attention you give her and the issue right now, the more she will fight against it, even if thats cutting off her nose to spite her face.
You need to stop giving her and your ex such power over you that they will both actually fuck up her education just to hurt you. They havent even worked out that its not you that needs her to get an education, its for her.

Obviously shes still a child, so its not entirely her fault, but honestly, as painful as it is, I dont think you can do anything else now except let her experience the consequences of her choices. Just try and stay calm about her future because she will still be able to get a job etc, and if your ex is going to have her at his, then he needs to take proper responsibility. Its not just a place for her to sleep and eat. He is soon going to realise that she needs parenting too

@Alwaystoblame I'm sorry, this is very hard.

You can't fix this, she is going to need professionals and willingness and self determination. Your daughter will need a soft place to fall, I suggest you focus on being that.

You sound like the epitome of unconditional love, and because she's got that then I expect she'll come round. She's lucky to have you.

OP. I hope your DD gets sorted. But if you are taking a step back, why are you going to the final meeting at the school? Surely that's up to your XH and your DD? He needs to book time off.

The poster has a point @Alwaystoblame . Hard as it is, you need to stand back and let them get on with it. DD will see how useless her father is when he doesn't bother turning up to the meeting. And she told you to fuck off remember?

She's been round today to apologise. But she's only apologised for some things. She scoffed at the mention of a PRU. She said again that the girl she attacked deserved it and had it coming. So she doesn't have any remorse at all. Bearing in mind she is currently suspended her dad has allowed her to go to a festival this weekend and out with her boyfriend/friends. There are no consequences for her behaviour at his. She's emailed some schools and says they are considering giving her a place. I don't think it works like that though.

She's emailed some schools and says they are considering giving her a place. I don't think it works like that though
It doesn't

It definitely doesn’t.

She's emailed some schools and says they are considering giving her a place. I don't think it works like that though.

No it absolutely doesn't.

As for the person she was bullying and physically attacking 'deserved it'. She needs to learn that it isn't ok. The way she is going she is going to end up with the police knocking on the door.

Her arrogance and sense of entitlement is quite something. She even said to me that she wasn't going somewhere where there are violent kids. What, like you? I'm not violent! Yes, you are, there's video evidence of your attack on the other girl. Well she deserved it. She had it coming. No-one deserves that. Well, I'll just go to another school but I'm not telling you which ones I've emailed or what I told them and I've made some bad choices but it's everyone else's fault

She's unbelievable.

Why should a school take her? She'll only disrupt there too. She's old enough to bear the consequences of her actions.

@RainCoffeeBook I agree. Her current school know that I support a move to a PRU rather than another school where she will have the same problems. She needs specialist intervention before she ends up in a cell.

I can't add much advice OP, but just wanted to offer a hand-hold and solidarity. My heart goes out to you, it must be absolutely gut-wrenching for you to have to watch her piss her life away like this and not to be able to do anything about it. Damn her useless, selfish bloody father to hell. She will be the one who pays the long-term price for his vanity and stupidity, he's encouraging her to behave like a hellion to score points against you and it's unconscionable.

I think you can be a bit optimistic about the PRU option - some of them are very good, with excellent staff and can give an out-of-control kid plenty of attention and a more personalised approach. I know several nightmare teens who have been through them and come out with decent qualifications and a future. I understand your grief at what she's throwing away, however. It would break my heart as well. None of us plans this route for our children, and you're allowed to feel devastated for her.

Wow. Sort it out OP. Looks like the LA, schools and your DD are all paying the price. Not to mention the bullied children.

She's ten you say? You're her parent....

Reading comprehension isn't your strong suit, is it? FFS.

Since when did parents stop being responsible for their children? Those poor bullied children.

Oh, I don't know - since OP's teenager moved in with her other parent, told her mother to get out of her life and blocked her number? What do you expect her to do, bulldoze his house?

Yes, of course, the "poor bullied children". I have one of those, he has long-term mental health issues as a result. I'm not belittling what the girl has done (and neither is OP). This thread, however, is for OP and her need for advice and support. People constantly braying about the victims and trying to make her feel even worse is ridiculous.

No advice op but it's refreshing to see a parent actually admitting what their child has done and trying to sort things out. I was badly bullied to the point I was hospitalised twice and the parents of these kids didn't care. I've always said if my kids ever tried to bully another child I'd come down hard on them too.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this.

It will probably be a ‘resource center’ or PRU type place . Alternatively can you get her into a school for kids with social/emotional needs - what area are you in if you don’t mind me asking? Round here if you get excluded there is a dedicated school which started as a PRU but is now a full 11-16 ‘high school’ where children from all over the borough go when mainstream isn’t working.

I agree. It’s been a couple of decades since I was at school but I was subjected to violent bullying and the school’s focus was entirely on the bully’s need for an education. It took over a year for the expulsion and by that point two children had been hospitalised. Her parents maintained that she was the true victim and the school seemed to act from that standpoint. Her actual victims had to attend school and pretend none of it was happening, of course.

I agree with others - stop engaging now and let her and her dad find a miraculous solution themselves.

I am still waiting to hear from the HT as to his final decision. Dd missed her camhs appointment on Tuesday. Her dad was working and she said no one else could take her even though I'd already said that I'd happily take her to her appointments. So she sat there in the school meeting saying how she was going to prioritise her mental health and attend her appointments this time as she knew she needed help, then didn't go. She's old enough to have gone by herself but claims no one told her when the appointment was. Camhs had phoned me though to say she hadn't turned up and confirmed that both Dd and her dad had been told the date, time and location of the next appointment. Bearing in mind this is an appointment following a threat of suicide. Camhs had previously discharged her because she'd missed 3 appointments in a row. ExH said she was dealing with things on her own 🙄 despite saying he would ensure she attended. He's useless. I know I'm trying to step back but I find typing things out here helpful. I told Dd I could have taken her and left it at that. Camhs know I'd have taken her but that I'm not really part of her life at her choice.
I've got a busy day today and that will help distract me from the impending meltdown from Dd and her dad when they get the final decision and realise they are not in control of things anymore and that she can't just go to another school as though she's done nothing wrong. He says her behaviour is just normal teenage stuff ffs.

@Alwaystoblame

I've got a busy day today and that will help distract me from the impending meltdown from Dd and her dad when they get the final decision and realise they are not in control of things anymore and that she can't just go to another school as though she's done nothing wrong. He says her behaviour is just normal teenage stuff ffs.

OP could you face muting them both on your mobile and landline for a few hours today? Give yourself a break from the situation they've pretty much got themselves into whilst you focus on other things? 🌹

They are muted. Well exH is blocked but Dd is muted. She sends message after message using send instead of return and gets angrier with each message usually so I don't entertain her. I reply when it's convenient for me. She expects instant replies yet ignores my messages. Her sense of entitlement is quite something.

That’s PRU territory but our local college has 14+ Provision too which seems to be mostly those who find “ engaging with school challenging “ - I interact with these young people in another field and they are on the whole nice people but somehow just don’t click with the school / have issues that make it hard and college works better.

Have you heard from the HT yet @Alwaystoblame ?