Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Scatterbrainbox you really ought to read the whole thread including the updates from the OP today.

OP I hope the results tomorrow are what are needed.

She's gone off to her dad's now because I've not fawned all over her and backed her up when she claimed she's been respectful in her behaviour. So off ages goes again. Flouncing you daddy at a hint of any parenting.

@AAlwaystoblame thinking of you and sending you much strength!
You have done everything you can AND MORE!
Please tell yourself that repeatedly.

What happened with the EHCP application?

Last night I was subjected to name calling, insults and accusation of neglect and mental illnesses. She called her younger sister a cunt for asking her not to do something. She maintains that her behaviour is always respectful and I disagreed which is what led to the flouncing and verbal abuse.
I doubt she will even go and collect her exam results and even if she does I doubt she will tell me her results.

Younger Dd gets her modern foreign language GCSE result today (they do it 2 years early for reasons that escape me) and is predicted to have done very well so today will be a celebration despite Dd.

Ds is again upset that she's done a midnight flit. She keeps letting him down yet he still adores her. She's his big sister and it's really hard for him.

The good thing is that school is completely over now and I'm having nothing to do with college. College don't have my phone number so they can't contact me if there's any issues anyway. Her dad can deal with it on his own. She'll be on for a shock because college won't chase her like school did. If she doesn't turn up they won't be calling to see where she is. If she doesn't attend that's her business.

I've read your whole thread and you sound like a saint. I have a primary school friend who has followed a similar path and also started stealing to sell stuff to pay for drugs.
Is a teenage residential rehab centre an option? I'm not sure how you could afford this or get her to agree though. This is what worked for my friend in the end but she was sectioned after seriously dangerous behaviour while high.

She's said to some people that she's failed e writhing except maths and English. She's not let me know though so who knows what she's got.

It's been a horrible day. What should have been a day of happiness and celebration has been one of upset, disappointment and profound sadness. On the bright side for me at least there will be no more school app pinging almost daily to say she's not in, she's truant, got detention etc, no phone calls from the sick room saying she's there and can she go home, asking permission for her to leave school for fabricated appointments, telling me she's locked herself in the toilets and they've had to remove the outer door to get to her and ensure she's safe. No checking her attendance on the app and wondering why she's not in school again. No wondering if being off sick is really her being unwell or just another lie and her dad playing along. No more alerts to lack of homework or being missing from exams or being suspended or threatened with expulsion. Where did my excited to be going to high school grinning like a Cheshire Cat in her brand new uniform full of potential and promise go? I feel like she's been stolen from me. She diagnosed me with a new mental illness last night which made a nice change although I've obviously still got the old one too. And her dad's ex (about 5 exes ago) is more of a mum to her than me. I'm old, abnormal, blah blah blah. My friend tells me to cut her out of my life but I can't. She's still my daughter and I love her. I don't have to let her come here to upset her siblings though. Her little brother was again in tears today that she'd let him down again. It's every time she comes now. I need to toughen up and say no to her coming here but she manipulates her sister into it being perfectly reasonable that she comes round. I'm always the one at fault. Always. There's no answer that I can see. Being less available will help. Saying no more and telling the other two that what I say is what goes so no letting her in or making arrangements behind my back. It's utter shit.

Honestly I think you're on the right track distancing yourself a little. You have other children to consider and regardless it seems currently she is simply not open to changing her behaviour and her attitude.
Maybe down the track she will but she's certainly not there now.

I am completely done now. I can't listen to my little boy crying over how his sister treats him any longer. He doesn't deserve to be upset every time she deigns to see us.
Today she has enrolled at a college she hadn't even thought about let alone visited for some kind of health course. In fact she's never visited any college at all. She went with her dad's ex, the one who has significantly contributed to the situation she's in, and his current gf. The one he shags loudly in the next room to the kids when they both know the kids are awake 🤢 She's the type to call my daughter a spastic when she's goofing around so obviously a lovely woman How she's got on a course aiming to work with vulnerable people I'll never know, especially with only 3 GCSEs. I doubt she'll last long on the course given her attitude to attendance and learning. She's also volunteering somewhere for vulnerable people and they obviously don't know her background. Again, I don't think she'll last long but it's a worry. She's thanked me for my pathetic half arsed attempt at supporting her over the years but stated how blessed she is to have her dad's ex and probably soon to be ex supporting her because they believed in her. Her godmother who is a devout christian and never says a bad word about anybody thinks she is a disgrace. I don't think anyone on my side of the family has anything good to say about her these days and that's very sad. Her dad's family aren't too fond of her either from what her grandfather says. Before her dad left she was a loving, caring, funny, intelligent girl who could be a pain in the bum like any child but was a joy to be around. I look back and wonder what the hell happened. It makes me so so that we will never get back the person she was and I will never have a good relationship with her again. Too much shit has gone on and too many hurtful things said that are unforgivable. In many years we might have some kind of relationship but I don't think I will ever trust her. The one good thing is that college don't have my details so any drama there will not be for me to deal with. This coming academic year will be calm and drama free now after years of regular phone calls, emails, meetings, trips into school, calls to the police because she's gone missing, calls to social services etc. My friend recommends blocking her number but I find it hard to do that and she only goes through her sister or grandmother to get to me anyway. Her sister has majorly fallen out with her due to something she deems unforgivable so she might not be willing to do her any favours anyway. Maybe I should just block her and be done with it. She doesn't want me in her life so what's the point. She has her dad's harem to be her mum and says they are better ones. If I didn't have two other children I think I'd be dead because of how she's made me feel. I've fought for her and her future for years only to be constantly smacked in the face. I'm done.

OP

You should block her, and get your other children to do so as well.

Ideally ask your mother / grandmother/ sister to stop relaying messages from her as well.

Of course you shouldn't block her, she is a child!

I'm sorry things are hard (and they do sound very hard) but you can't wash your hands of your responsibility to her.

I think that taking a step back is reasonable, but cutting her off is unforgivable. She is saying and doing things to hurt you, clearly with some success, but I imagine she is also very hurt herself. One day she might need you. That sort of final rejection, whatever has happened, would be so damaging to her.

Face it she's a female dog, sounds harsh but it's true for now, hopefully she will grow out of it and change one day but for now she is vile. People here need to Stop reaching for the "has she got ADHD or autism". A lot of kids who actually have ADHD or autism are the ones getting beaten/bullied by people like this girl.
She needs PRU not another school where she will bully other children. Hopefully she'll meet someone tougher than her in Pru and be put in her place and learn the error of her ways or something. Pru now is better than prison later 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh I just read this update it's good it's now dad's problem to deal with the school phone calls hopefully now he'll realise how bad she is and there will be no one left enabling her behaviour. Don't block her number though, there's hope she'll change I know lots of people who were demons at that age then had a complete change

She's finished school now and starts at college on Monday. Too late for a PRU. She missed all her ADHD assessments, didn't engage with any of the professionals trying to help her. She will only engage if they provide an echo chamber. She wants to be assessed for adhd but is insulting about her sister and I having autism. She really is vile. I'm sick of being told I'm abnormal and mentally ill by her and her father. I'm happily not normal but I object to the mentally ill seeing as it's not true and it's used as an insult and weapon against me. Blocking her number allows me not to be abused via text. She less vile in person.

I appreciate why you want to block her number but I don't think that's the right thing to do, despite how vile she is being.

If a message contains anything vile or unkind, just delete it. Reply politely to anything sensible she might ask. Don't even mention or respond to anything unkind.

She clearly has severe MH issues that she will have to work through, and maybe one day she will realise that it was you and you alone that was the consistent support in her life.

Stay strong and focus on the other two children.

I've not responded to anything nasty for a long time but it doesn't stop her sending nasty messages. Anything not nasty I respond fairly neutrally to but include a kiss to avoid being told I'm being abrupt or obstructive or whatever. My boundaries are firm and consistent with her but this shit has been going on for years now and isn't getting any better. When are sees me she's usually gushing praise and positivity about me until she gets told no about something or something doesn't go her way. Then she's straight back to abusive. It's a fine line to tread with her and I'm constantly monitoring everything I say in person and in text. It's exhausting mentally. She only messages me when she wants something and if the answer is no then it's straight to abuse. Blocking her number avoids that. It doesn't mean are can't call with her number withheld and leave a message and I'll call her back, it just means I don't get abusive messages. It's headspace.

Block her, but give her an email address to use. You can look at that when you are feeling mentally strong, but it doesn't cut off contact altogether.

Kind if typical that she has gone for a course and career working with vulnerable people. Another set of people to bully. Which is so wrong. I hope she is able to show her true colours on the volunteering and course soon. I hope you're OK op

She can't do a managed move if she's
already been excluded. The only way that would happen would be if you successfully appealed and the former school agreed to change the reason from "exclusion" to "managed move". I doubt they will do this now.

A child I know was off school for four months as they couldn't find another school to accept him, despite the fact that the reason he was expelled was due to proven exploitation.

It looks very much like she will have to go to a PRU. Unfortunately she will end up with other troubled pupils with bad behaviours!

Oops, apologies, it's an old post so my message is no longer relevant!

@Alwaystoblame what a sad story. You sound like a great Mum. I hope your DD will turn her life around

This is probably the best idea. Your dd shouldn't be given a free pass to abuse you .

She has my email address and has used it before when I don't reply to any abuse. She usually engineers some drama and says her dad is being abusive in order to get back into contact. It gets reported to the police and social services and age gives statements to them then she says I exaggerated things and made her report it and it's not that bad and she takes it all back and wants to go back to her dad's so I'm no longer falling for that one. I'll just encourage her to report things herself. Whatever I do it's turned against me.

Have you considered moving, OP? You and your other children.

If it's at all possible, I would just quietly move with them, change all your numbers, make a new address/block her on the old one, and don't share the details with anyone who would tell her.