Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

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How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

They are trying to keep her at her school because she's vulnerable. The school are doing everything they can to support her with more patience than I ever imagined. Years 7 and 8 she was great. Not a model student but not far off so they are trying to do whatever they can to get her through her last few months of school because they know she is capable. She's no longer violent but she is truant most day for some lessons if not truant for the entire day. She's not allowed to the prom as things stand and they are hoping that will encourage her to engage. She's got on site counselling and access to pastoral support.

I'm wondering if Dd has complex ptsd - She's living with her father who sexually and physically abuses her, surely it it obvious to everyone that this is the cause of her behavior. From what you write it seems like all the services involved just ignore this glaringly obvious fact. It seems bizarre.

@Alwaystoblame do you think this could be the case?

I hope your daughter can get through the next few months. There are a lot of opportunities in FE. Have you raised your concerns about the abuse?

I've been raising concerns for 10 years but not one professional has ever done anything beyond having a chat with her dad or having meetings. It's not enough to meet the threshold for intervention beyond setting personals goals. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. Dd will not come home because the freedom means she's prepared to put up with whatever he does. The sexual abuse has been classed as a grey area by the police and I agree that it appears totally unintentional the way it happened but the physical and emotional abuse is purposeful and the professionals need to do something. There's another meeting in March. March. That's ages away and in the meantime exH has a behaviour contract. It's not like he can be relied upon to stick to that or be truthful about it. Nor will Dd be honest unless he makes her angry and then she'll tell the SW the truth. But then he will live bomb her and she will change her story and round and round it goes.
She knows I love her and that I'm anyways here for her and that she always has a home here if she wants it. I attend the meetings, I'm in touch with school several times a week, I go to parents' evenings and performances. ExH did not go to parents' evening for either child and did not attend ds's gcse performance. He's all talk and no trousers.

I really feel for you op, you're in a very difficult position. Your ex seems almost to be grooming your daughter.

Just updating and venting here because it's a safe place to do so.

Dd remains much the same although school attendance for February was the worst to date. The end of Feb/beginning March has started off poorly with 3 appointments made in school time where she's missed the whole day for each appointment. Her dad is fine with this.

She has miraculously got a place at college. I really don't understand how except they don't actually ask school for references so that will explain it I suppose. The courses she will be offered depend on her GCSEs. She's only being entered for those that school think she is likely to pass. Personally I'd let her sit them all and let her see the results of her choices. There is doubt as to whether she would turn up to exams though so I understand why school are taking that stance.

Earlier this week she informed me that her mental health will improve when she no longer has to see me at 18. There's no reason why she HAS to see me now so I've said why wait🤷🏼‍♀️ She holds me responsible for her poor choices amd the results of those and thinks that without me around everything will magically resolve so I'm not going to stand in the way of what she thinks will make her happy. I remain hopeful that she comes out of this horrendous time and our family is whole again but for now she has removed herself from us and allied herself to her abusive dad. I've done everything I can and it's exhausting. I've kept going and going and my other dc want and need me in their lives and I need to focus on them now. Dd1 has ignored the existence of ds for some time, excluding him from Christmas gifts, ignoring his birthday then blaming me for that. When she is around he is witnessing regular police and social services visits and no event is without incident. A day out is fraught waiting for her to kick off about the smallest thing. He doesn't deserve that. None of us do. She's made her choice and I have to respect thét as much as it hurts to do so.

Op
I've followed your posts since the start and think that this might be the best result for you and your family. Sometimes there are people who just can't be helped until they are ready and your daughter sounds like she is one of these. You have done absolutely everything you can to help and support her and need to have no regrets about any of it. You have your other child to think about abs they deserve a safe space without all the drama and headspace given to your dd.
Block her and move on. I know far easier said than done but she will need to reach her own rock bottom before she will engage.

I've also followed your posts and believe you have done everything you can for your DD.

We also have difficulties with our ASD and ADHD currently school refusing a lot of the time and generally being pretty horrendous to live with.

It's causing me a lot of anguish. The only thing that's helping, and will hopefully help you, is to acknowledge that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. No matter what you do they will resist it.

Qualifications can be obtained at any age. It will never be too late for her to try again.

The only thing you can do is be there for her when she's ready. Until then stepping back is probably the right thing to do, even though it's very hard to do.

Thank you. It was very hard not to respond emotionally and she will have been surprised that I responded cooly and gave her what age says she wants, just on my time scale, not hers. Yes, she hurt me but I e not shown her that. I'm quite proud of my lack of emotional response as it took a lot of restraint. I said nothing that would hurt her and nothing inflammatory or that criticised her. That took some doing.

I agree about qualifications. I just think it will impact her mental health negatively when she doesn't get the results she's capable of.

There's a meeting with the Dd, social worker, HOY, her dad and me soon. I might bow out as I think Dd won't turn up if I go and she needs to be there. I don't need to be there. I'd like to be but the SW might deign too update me. These social workers seem to have 12 weeks holiday if not more a year in my experience. They are on annual leave more than they are present and helping my Dd from now years of experience. Months at a time. My experience of SWs has been that they are all useless and unable to do anything to help. We were told if there was a referral back to SS it would be child protection yet it's not despite physical and alleged sexual abuse. I think the ex extends his charm to deceive and redirect their focus onto me. He's very skilled for an idiot.

I'll always be here for Dd if she decides she wants me in her life. I'll always love her.

What a wonderful mum you are, one day she will realise this x

I think you are right to withdraw and concentrate on your other child. Your daughter's behaviour both at school and home has been atrocious. She has led you a merry dance and largely got away with it. By slightly detaching yourself from her and her continued antics you will get headspace to devote to yourself and son. She will realise that you are not pandering to her & her poor behaviour, which may give her pause for thought. Obviously her dad is not going to do anything proactive, so she will have to reflect on what she wants/needs. You've tried & tried, maybe it is the time to make a stand by withdrawing. Good luck.

I have followed this and your other thread and I think you're doing the right thing. She won't get the grades she might have been capable of but that's that. There are a lot of opportunities in FE. Focus on yourself and your other child. Keep in touch with school but don't feel you have to attend the meetings.

Good for you. You are very brave and putting the needs of both your children first.

This is very tricky parenting and you are making as best of a bad situation that you can.

I hope you are managing to take care of yourself, this is tough stuff.

Been following your threads for a wee while now OP and hope things for you and your other DC are a bit more settled now. Saddened to see her behaviour escalating but I think you are right to step back and look after your own and other children's mental health first.

Well here we are at the start of the GCSEs. She did her modern foreign language in year 9 because that's what her school does, and she's already done her art earlier this spring. Now it's time for the big ones. I felt quite emotional when the head of year sent an email on Friday about it all. She's done virtually no revision. Her attendance is abysmal. Social worker is useless and her dad continues to be a feckless Wanker prioritising what he wants and his many women over what Dd needs. She was awol from school twice last week with one of those times requiring being reported missing to the police as per school's safeguarding advice. Dad was clueless she was even missing or not in school. She's not in most lessons and I have no hope that she will pass anything other than English language. She's been taken off the higher science papers and put on the foundation ones because she's just not doing the homework or attending lessons. Her science teachers see her about once a month.
She has a place at college but it's a place that is to be clarified once she has her exam results. She's applied for 4 courses but they won't confirm if she can do them until she gets her results. She wants to do 3 a levels and a vocational course. She's still thinking she will be able to join the FBI and says she doesn't need any qualifications for that. Exams aren't everything but for what she wants to do they are. She is also talking about doing an apprenticeship but with her attendance and behaviour record I'm not sure anywhere will take her? She's not applied for any or even looked at what she could do. The same goes for getting a job. Who is likely to take on a school leaver without maths GCSE and with an attendance rate of 60% along with her violent behaviour record?
I'm so angry but so flat about it all too.
I barely see her. I think the last time was about a month ago.
She's going to be devastated when she gets her results because she was capable of getting a a 6 in everything. Now she's predicted 2s, 3s, 4s except for English language.It's such a waste and I know she will try to blame me.
I'm really worried for her mental health in the coming months.
She won't listen to anything anyone says. I've told her I believe in her and that I'm always here for here but there's little else I can realistically do while she is in her dad's clutches. He's poisoned her and she's the one paying the price. He's trying it with dd2 as well and I've got a battle there at the moment. Makes me wish I'd never had children sometimes. Ds is the one that keeps me going and his behaviour reassures me that I'm not a shit mum.

Here goes for another day of phone calls from school because they can't get hold of her dad and she's awol again or claiming to be sick or has locked herself in the toilets. Major upset last night with dd2 so I'm dreading her getting up. I'm trying to sort out my mum's power of attorney that my siblings have fucked up and I wish I could run away or had another adult to share the load with.

Thanks for the vent, I can only do it here.

❤️
I am so sorry for all you're going through, OP. I hope things get better for you.

You're doing the right thing by stepping back. You have to really.

My DD is year 10 so a year behind yours. She has ADHD and ASD and isn't coping at school and her attendance is very low. She's not academic at all.

I've been through (and I am still going through) all the stress and worry about her future options with, what is likely to be, no GCSE passes at all.

There's been a couple of very comforting threads on Mumsnet recently about those who left school with no exams. There were so many that returned to education, when they were emotionally ready, and did very well.

There were those that took a different direction through a trade or business that they enjoyed.

I'm having to reset my academic mindset and accept my DD is taking a different path to get to where she wants to finally be. She's very immature (despite thinking otherwise) and is simply not ready yet for what conventional life expects of her.

Has your daughter been diagnosed with any neuro diverse condition? Do you think the school avoidance is related to anything like anxiety or is she simply choosing not to go because she can?

As you said she's almost certainly going to make a hash of these exams. Set that as your expectation and hope it's the start of her resetting what she wants when she realises she hasn't achieved what she knows she can.

Once the exams are over the pressure of school attendance is off. College may be a better environment for her. If she has to start on a low level course to begin with then it's a stepping stone. If she gets a basic wage job then that's what she does until she is ready for more.

If she carries on as she is skipping classes and not caring, then you continue to step back until she's ready to do better.

I know it's incredibly hard though. The underlying worry all day every day never goes away. The sadness of the wasted opportunities is also always there.

The only person who can change it though is your daughter and at 16 this isn't it for the rest of her life. Education in her 20s or even 30s if needed is still right there for her.

A wee hug for you, @Alwaystoblame

There is nothing else to be done, you have to ride it out and it is awful. We are listening and I hope that venting helps even a little bit.

She has you, she knows there is unconditional love for her. I am confident that is what makes the difference. It has to.

Thank you. It really is tough going.
She's not been diagnosed with anything yet but I'd put money on her having ADHD and autism. There's a strong family history of autism and adhd but her dad won't hear of it.

Her first exam is today. She's worried but not overly so. It's science and I dread to think how she will do. Instead of revising this weekend she's had a sleepover with 2 lads l(!) and then gone out on both days with various people. Her dad is just unbelievable in his lack of parenting. He's bought her a double bed and boys regularly stay over in that bed. She's had sex with 3 different lads that I know of and she's only 16. She just bounces from one to the other and back again. Breaking up with one going back to the previous one and so on.

I'm not sure her dad will cope with the mental health fall out when she fails her exams and doesn't go in to college or into an apprenticeship. School know me and we have a good relationship but I doubt she'll give my details to a college or company she's apprenticing with or working for so she'll be very much on her own. No one can ever get hold of her dad if there's an issue. The college is a bus ride and a walk away too so no more just walking down for emergency meetings. I can't imagine how post-GCSE is going to look for her but it's such a worry.

I don't think she will ever come back home now. She's been away 2 years more or less and is too used to being able to do what she wants with no regard for anyone else. She admits she can't cope with her younger siblings at her dad's any more and she can't cope with being in a family situation. She's lost her close relationship with her sister and brother here, her grandmother, and me. All she has is a father who prioritises his girlfriends (yes that's plural) and his job, and a group of male friends she is sleeping with.

I often wonder how things would be if her dad hadn't had an affair and left to be with his affair partner and her children. I'd have divorced the abusive bastard anyway but without all the drama of new siblings, many house moves, another break up from AP, several other girlfriends and their kids being involved in her life I do wonder how different things might have been. A lot more settled and stable. Her dad is on his 6th girlfriend in the space of 2 years and all of them have been staying over at the house and heavily involved in their life. Then they break up and it's more loss for her to cope with. He's seeing someone new now but already they are all doing trips out together, staying over etc but he's off out with other women too so I don't think it will last long. He needs the adoration of all these women. It's very sad all round.

Thanks for letting me vent. Best get on with whatever today throws my way!

OP, I have no direct knowledge of parenting a child with the difficulties you are facing as your DD's mum, but I've taught a few who have grown up a bit by their early 20s, and only then were they ready to apply themselves to studying for, and taking some exams.

I teach part-time at a FE college, and yes the majority of my students are on the 16-19 age group. But there are also some students in their low to mid 20s, and one brave souk who's in her 50s. I have also tutored privately for young adults who are about to leave the care system, but whose schooling and positive behaviour while they were there was sporadic at best, and non-existent at worst.

But many of them had realised by their early 20s that life wasn't going to easy without at least a 4 in maths and English Language, but also they'd matured a bit more and could see the benefits.

It looks bleak now OP (and it is) but if/when your DD is ready, np matter her age, there will be places and teachers who will work with her to get her through the maths and/or English Language (if she doesn't get it this summer) and it won't matter to the teacher how old she is, only that if there's the potential there, that it can be realised.

I know none of that helps you or your DD today, but I just wanted to offer a chin of light in the darkness of the last 2 years.

And you're a brilliant mum, but you're not a magician. You can only do your best. 💐

The week has improved greatly since Monday. I was feeling very down then especially as dd2 had been so nasty to me on Sunday night. My friend came to talk with her and she's been sweetness and light since. The thought of her going to same way as dd1 terrifies me. The thought of her ending up like her sister terrified her and my friend made it very clear that if she continued she could wave goodbye to the career she wants. She wants to be a doctor and needs the highest grades. She's very capable of getting those but if she went the same way as dd1 she'd be looking at 2s, 3s and 4s because the support just isn't there at their dad's.

Dd has had 2 exams this week. One went well and one she thinks she's failed. She's just not done the work but I told her months ago she needed to catch up on the syllabus but she can't be bothered and will suffer the consequences of that. She was convinced that she only needed to learn two topics but it was more like 6 and she's only bothered with 2. I bet she won't even tell me her results when they come out in august.

I'm trying to remain optimistic that she will eventually grow up and realise that her choices are what has led to the situation she is in but with every week she seems to get further away. She's showing no signs of maturity but I'll just keep holding on.

Hi OP

my DD missed all of Y10 & Y11, and did Zero Revision. She had undiagnosed ASD, and consequently bad anxiety (we are with CAMHS now). I know exams seem like the main thing atm, but they really aren’t. Retakes can be done, and colleges have courses for all grades going in.

Mind ended up with 5 grade 4s (when she stated school she was estimated grade 9s), she has enough to do a L3, and we are hopeful she will go in September.

Exams are not the be all & end all, you can study and take exams at any point in your life. What’s important is Mental Health. For us, if we can get her attending college regularly that will be a huge win, I’m not even bothered what she studies.

Why does your DD think she doesn't need qualifications to join the FBI? They need an undergraduate degree as a minimum. And there's a little matter of being of good character, and a US citizen ...

How is the EHCP application going?