Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Edit: Also want to say you sound like a lovely mum - Boundaried and trying so hard to protect her from herself..

Well done, Always!
My son is a man now, and can barely talk about the times he was being “Trying”..
But one thing shines through-
He hated it when I was weak ( As he saw it)
He said “ You are trying to buy me off!” When I bought him something expensive that he wanted as a teenager.
Couldn’t win!

He says boundaries are essential.
Your daughter- Hopefully in time- will know you are on her side, not the mortal enemy.

I can exactly imagine the scene at Christmas
“MUM HATES ME! She went away with the rest of the family and left me out!!!”

But Christmas is a powerful lever on an angry child’s armoury..
By removing the chance to mess up your Christmas, she will double down on furious indignation-

But..Hold fast.

Well done - I got advice from other people who were once “Troubled teens” and to a man and woman they said firm boundaries are vital.

They make a child feel “Safe”.

Underneath all this behaviour is s lovely, caring, funny, bright joy to be around. That sounds hard to imagine but it's true.I have to believe that with time and the right support she will come out of this and be happy.

Hold this thought.
She and you hopefully will weather the storm-
At the moment it probably feels that you are in a raft on a storm - tossed ocean-

The fact that the clouds sometimes clear and that you see the shining girl beneath means there is hope.

Might take years- But she hopefully will get to a more stable place.

I noticed you mentioned you have ADD - I have ADD too and it does sound like she should be assessed. My daughter has ADD and her time blindness and inability to plan study is even worse than mine.
i know you tried to have her assessed when she was younger but worth considering asking cahms? The meds would help her control her impulsivity and let her focus better on her studies

Camhs are happy to assess her if she bothers to turn up to her appointments and school will assess if she bothered to turn up there. She wants an assessment but won't do anything to actually get one.

Why would any school want her? She's going to drag down their stats, set a bad example and possibly lead other pupils astray.

Is she super-bright? Was there a specific reason for her poor behaviour that has now been resolved? Because if not, I think it'll be a PRU too.

I think she’s a lost cause till college now unless a pru will take her.

pru’s are great depending on the teachers but if they are full they are full she clearly has an issue with school in general. College is a whole different experience where she can feel more grown up and pick her subjects.

at least dad is finally starting to feel the pain. And 100% not at yours for Christmas.

No school will want her and I can't see any college being too thrilled either. I think she is probably a lost cause until she leaves high school and even then it might take quite some time for her to start behaving appropriately,

If she does have untreated ADHD, then college will be a nightmare for her. She will be expected to work independently there. No one will chase her to attend. No one will put pressure on her to do work. No one will push her to meet deadlines. If she doesn't meet deadlines, she will be removed from the course. All these people trying to help her now with school will be gone.

Possibly school is the issue-But the violence you mentioned is a great shame.
It’s possible there is something else going on mentally, but nowadays everyone looks for “ A diagnosis “ to explain away poor behaviour, as if it absolves the child ( or parent ) of personal responsibility.
So many different labels - Probably most slightly “Unconventional “ people could fit under one or more “Diagnosis “..
What good would it do?
Drugs ( Prescribed) might help- I remember once in desperation asking GP for a medical treatment for my own son, and she said “ That is neither possible nor desirable- he just has to grow up” ( Mature out)-
Thankfully he did, but jeez- It was hard going at times.

I don't think that's true - colleges have obligations around special needs like schools do, they can't just leave students to flounder. It might be that a more adult environment is better for her. It sounds like she was angry about her dad's behaviour when she was younger and lockdown affected her very badly too.

I have no answers for you OP but I agree with others that you sound like amazing mum.

That is very true.
At College one is left completely to one’s own devices.
Maybe something completely different ?
A teenaged girl of family friend was going off the rails fast til she discovered working with horses.
That’s hard, physical labour / exercise, but it calmed the teenager right down.
Sadly most horse jobs are poorly paid, but if it makes the teenager happy- Why not.

The girl doesn't have "special needs" as far as they are concerned until she has a diagnosis. She'll just be treated like every other young adult.

OP’s DD does have SEN. SEMH difficulties are a type SEN. Pupils don’t need a diagnosis to be classed as having SEN.

My point is college is not likely to be a better environment for her. There is much more freedom and less pressure from others. If she has untreated ADHD this will be much harder for her because she will have the freedom to avoid attending and meeting deadlines. There will be less structure and routine. These are essential for most people with ADHD. Then when she's 18 there nothing her parents can do about it. She needs to be properly assessed and her needs identified.

But she would also be picking her subjects.

I say that as someone who did terrible at school behaviour wise, did the whole pru thing too. College was amazing. Treated like an actual person doing a subject I loved and was interested in. I actually finished college top of my class distinction star grade while under going medical treatment in a hospital at times and raising a toddler. With possible adhd too as a child I was referred for testing but as ops daughter refused to cooperate.

College may be a harder environment or it may be better (some find the lack of routine and fewer demands helpful) but I wasn’t commenting on that. I was commenting on ”The girl doesn't have "special needs" as far as they are concerned until she has a diagnosis. She'll just be treated like every other young adult.” Which is incorrect. She does have SEN and the college would have a duty to support those.

The college she wants to go to is a strict college with an excellent reputation and high entry requirements. Unless there is a miraculous change in her attitude, engagement and behaviour then she won't be going there. She's predicted to fail her sciences because she refuses to do the foundation level instead of the higher level that she was put in for in year 9. Her teachers have told her the situation but I'm assuming they will take the decision out of her hands if she continues to not go to her lessons and not do her homework. Even maths is looking like she won't pass.
This week she's been truant both mornings for form and first lesson then late for an afternoon lesson.
She's been to see me and behaved disgustingly in front of her younger siblings and was told to leave it was so bad then she tried gaslighting me about it saying I was unreasonable. Her dad doesn't see an issue with her behaviour.
I am thoroughly pissed off.

Another truancy, another late, another detention not attended with more lies as to why she's been truant every day this week. Her dad does nothing about it. Fuck all. Clueless prat.

There's a meeting this week with a new social worker (who is a wet lettuce) after an incident or two at Christmas with Dd reporting her dad for abuse then refusing to be here saying she'd Jill herself if she had to come here. She called me a useless cunt and says she didn't care about me.
School is a mess. She's rarely there. If she is there she's truant within school or in internal exclusion.
Her dad wants to take her to America for a holiday in the middle of her GCSE exams
I can't face a meeting with him and her. The manipulation of my younger Dd has started already and it will just be an excuse to be subtlety abusive so that the professionals will be blind to it.
I'm so upset and angry today and know I can rant here.

It must be so hard for you - one day this will be a distant memory. You’re doing the best you can for all of your children - I hope things improve sooner rather than later.
Take care of yourself in any way you can - it’s exhausting and there’s very little you can do to change things - that has to come from your daughter.

I dream of that day. 10 years we've had social workers involved and things for Dd have got worse and worse. I warmed them from the start that I was worried things would end up like this but no one did anything bar meetings and chats with dad. They need some intensive training on coercive control and outright abuse too.

Well that was a waste of time. The social worker sees her dad's abuse of Dd as a "challenge" ffs. They both have a behaviour contract. I'm so angry.
I'm wondering if Dd has complex ptsd. Not that camhs are likely to help with anything. Useless the lot of them because she tells them what they want to hear rather than the truth.
She's in school but but attending lessons and she's got mocks for the next few weeks.
The more that time passes the more i think this will take until ling into adulthood to sort out. She needs to get away from
her dad.

Sorry to hear that things are still not moving forward. It sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can to support, and just getting nowhere.

I think from everything you've said, you are right that she needs to be away from her Dad for a while, and needs a few doses of reality to understand that the world wont work around her. She's not going to land opportunities if she wont play the game.

Grit your teeth and keep ploughing on, what else can you do!

Where will she go now?