Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

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How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

She needs a more focused and supportive environment where she can get the assessments she needs and hopefully get some help from professionals who know what they are doing.

So have you applied for an EHCNA yet? As the route to assessments, support and a placement that better meets DD’s needs is an EHCP.

The softy~Walter Dad is doing so much harm by being a soft~soaping ninny.
If he makes a 'Punishment'..Like takes phone away or whatever..he should stick to it, and not be a wimp and give it back on some pretext for a 'Quiet life'

He's giving in as it's easy to give in!
No backbone.

I locked DS's phone in a room once as a consequence, and he actually got the wood splitting axe and hit the Victorian panelled door to get to it. {Not a smartphone, even}

I called the police {On advice of a very experienced counsellor who had himself been a tricky teen }.

The police were very good, and to this day I don't know what the copper said, but he was very effective. {Thank you, whoever you were!}

DS was never disruptive at school, though, just a bit 'Flexy' at home, as he too didn't have Dad living with us.

Boundaries work better with some kids than soft soaping and making endless excuses for them.

It isn't easy.

Yes, I'm doing the EHCP. Not one of the professionals think it's necessary.

They often don’t it doesn’t mean DD doesn’t meet the threshold for an EHCNA or that she doesn’t need an EHCP. But this is a child with clear unmet needs on the verge of permanent exclusion, so clearly meets the relatively low threshold for an EHCNA.

It's gone from bad to worse today. Truant twice in one day. I have requested a meeting with the HT. HOY is great but has no clout on decisions. PRU is being looked into but it's not thought she'd turn up there either. Referral made to a service that deals with EHCP, counselling, family therapy etc. I don't know how long it will take to be seen. Today she refused to see her key worker. Her sack has found his spine and has removed all tech and banned friends from going round. This is the most he has ever done. She's gone ballistic about things.

So what's their explanation for what's going on with her?

If they have spaces they have to take them. The LA finds the school anyway for an excluded child

If her Dad has finally found his spine, OF COURSE she will be going ballistic!
Par for course, but you both have to present a United front on her shitty behaviour.
( Bullying other children &c)

If Dad weakens now… it will be dreadful.
He has to keep it up.

She will be throwing strops aplenty!
But ride it out.
If she gets violent/ destructive- Say you will call police- and follow through.

She needs solid boundaries.

These make kids feel secure and loved.

Good luck @Alwaystoblame .

No one knows what is going on with her but it's obvious that something is seriously wrong for her to behave this way. She's struggled with friendships since primary school and got into trouble for lying. Her work was average but no issues. Possible dyslexia but quite mild. Then she went to high school and loved it. Truly loved it. She was full of how wonderful her lessons were and would enjoy telling me about her different subjects and she obviously paid a lot of attention because she could relay everything back to me and clearly understood what she'd learnt. Lockdown was horrendous for her and she really missed school. Then once she was back in school she restarted seeing her dad after refusing to see him all through lockdown and started getting into trouble at school. Attendance dropped, police involvement as age kept running away, skipping lessons and so on. She was predicted good GCSEs. Could have been better if she worked harder but still good grades. At the last parents evening I was told she was capable of As and Bs and now her predicted grades are 4-6. She achieving below expected in everything.
Something else has happened today and school have called another meeting. I don't know what will make any difference for her. It's clear that living with her dad has not been a good move but I knew that anyway. There's no support there, he just yells and says he'll do this that and the other as punishment but never does. When she was here if I issued any punishments or consequences she'd run away. It makes it very difficult to parent her. She'll be 16 very soon and I dread to think what she'll be like by 18.

@Alwaystoblame
This must be incredibly difficult.
All one can hope for is that your Daughter somehow sees that by behaving the way she is only hurts her in the long run.
You don’t think she nay have been sexually abused by someone without you knowing?
Just a wild guess- This can have profound affects on behaviour.
It could be absolutely anyone.
I hope it isn’t the case.

What would happen if she didn't show up at a PRU? Her dad thinks she just wouldn't go and wants to fight to keep her in her current school. Today she's been in internal exclusion for being violent towards another pupil. Her dad thinks she's doing much better but the reality is she's getting worse. He's in complete denial about how serious this is and doesn't see that much wrong with her behaviour. He's all about keeping face and making out he's a great dad so if she got expelled it would reflect poorly on him. Which is does because she's been off the rails since she went to live with him. There were no school issues when she was living with me past the usual fallings out and occasional missed homework. She loved school.

I guess it's possible the council might think about taking action against her dad if she didn't turn up at a PRU. They could also consider care proceedings. I have a nasty feeling, however, that the council would turn a blind eye given her age.

Would it help you both (you and DD) if you attended therapy together? I did this with my mum and it really helped us to communicate in a calm, controlled environment. It sounds like your DD is unhappy and wants to be heard but doesn't know an appropriate way to express herself.

NHS of course, which is free.

We are on the waiting list for family therapy. In the meantime we need to sort out school. Her dad is going to fight for her to stay where she is. He will appeal if she's permanently excluded. I won't. She needs specialist provision.

Why does she live with her dad?

She lives with her dad because she kept running away and being violent, lots of police involvement. I had to protect my other dc from her and her dad always threatened he'd take the dc away from me. He pushed to have her and because she kept running away to his after refusing to see him I basically said fine, go live with your dad. She often says she wants to come home but she won't accept any kind of rules or behaviour expectations so she stays living with him.

The school situation won't improve until her behaviour improves, and her behaviour won't improve (and will likely worsen) until her relationships improve, with you and her DH. I would advise (from much experience) that you don't go as a family, as in three or more, but that you and DD go to sessions together and/ or DD and her DH attend sessions. She is trying to communicate her sadness, something that she feels she can only act out in anger and rebellion. She needs to have a safe space where she can begin to verbalise and unpack her feelings without judgement and without further deterioration between you and her DH, hence separate therapy sessions.

Yes, that sounds like a good idea if the service will offer that option. I don't know how quickly we will be seen and it will be a slow process once we start and the school issue can't wait until after therapy. Her dad thinks I'm acting against Dd and not supporting her. I'm sure dd thinks the same. Support to her is letting her do what she wants. Her dad says her behaviour is nothing to be that concerned about and is just normal teenage stuff. It's really not. She was on her final warning in September and she's got worse at school. Leaving her where she is would be failing her. She got 3s and 4s in the mock exams she turned up for. She's assessed as of above average intelligence and is capable of 7s and 8s with a possible 9 for art. She has high aspirations and underneath all this behaviour is s lovely, caring, funny, bright joy to be around. That sounds hard to imagine but it's true.I have to believe that with time and the right support she will come out of this and be happy.

Op
To be fair I just need to say that you sound like an amazing mum. Patient and loving but with boundaries that you and your other children need. What ever happens with your DD, hopefully she finds her way in life but even if she doesn't it is no reflection on you. Some people simply go off the rails.

It's not too late and I think that your daughter really does have a lot of potential, you are a wonderful mum to recognise all those lovely traits in her, even when she is testing the boundaries. Push for therapy, and find out what it is that your DD is trying to communciate with this behaviour.

The saga continues. Truant, unauthorised absences claiming she's ill, lying about her grades and spreading rumours about teachers. The PRU doesn't have any spaces and school are doing all they can to keep her there. She has got to see the school counsellor if she wants to stay at school. So last week she decided to truant and then claim she was ill and missed her session with the counsellor.
She wants to đơn Christmas with us here instead of her dad but at the moment I'm so angry with her poor choices and how she spoils everything that I want to say no. She was supposed to come here yesterday to see us and her grandmother but let us down. She just didn't turn up and there was no communication from her or her dad about it. I don't want her doing that at Christmas. She sent me a big Christmas list last week and I don't feel like getting her any of it. It's really getting me down now. Her dad even had the cheek to tell me to step up and share responsibility 🤬 Where was he from age 5-14? Playing happy families with his gf (OW) and our dc came well below anything his gf or her kids wanted or needed. It still pisses me off so I'm sure Dd has s lot of anger there too. He's no longer with that gf but has 2dc with her. I probably said that already, sorry. I'm truly fed up today.

Oh @Alwaystoblame I’m so sorry.
It must be so incredibly hard.
You have been trying so hard to do the right thing, and your daughter just “Flips you the bird “ at every turn.

I caught the arse end of a Radio 4 programme yesterday evening (19th Nov ) about adoptive mothers who had taken on damaged children, and it did remind me of you - The violence, the constant exclusions. Yes p

My own DS went through a bad phase ( His dad left at 4 yrs) - A family member invited us to their ( expensive per head) wedding, and DS didn’t show up.
Was staying at a friends!

Again zero communication..
It was so inconsiderate and rude- and inexcusable.

But young people can be extremely selfish.

I don’t know what to suggest- But where does her future lie of she continues like this?

It must be incredibly stressful for you- and her.

Re buying Christmas presents- If she messes you about on Christmas Day ( my DS did that, too one year🙄)
that will spoil it for rest of family (Maybe her intent)?

She’s fighting you- But you are on her side!

Can she not see that?

Any mother would be 😫frustrated and angry in these circumstances.

@Alwaystoblame
This was the programme I caught the tail end of
I will listen to it in full.
These mothers went through a lot- as did the DC they adopted.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001bl12

Thank you. I'm just so angry today with her. I'll look up that programme, thank you.
At the moment she's not coming at Christmas. She says her dad is working nights over Christmas. Not my problem.
Her name has now been removed from the holiday. I didn't realised I'd not updated it but it was time to do the online guest update thingy so I removed her name. She thinks I'll change my mind but I won't. She's ruined enough things and I'm not giving her the chance to ruin more.