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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
rainbowmilk · 09/06/2022 18:37

School does sound useless but at the same time, you're her parent, OP. You and her father have to take some of the responsibility for how she turned out, surely? I'm not saying all of this is your fault, clearly, but you do talk about her as if she arrived on your doorstep fully formed like this, and you're helpless and baffled by it. I'd be angry at the school as well but in all fairness, it's not all on the school to prevent her from having victims living in fear. At some point, it was the job of her parents to raise her so that she learned not to violently attack younger children and then say they deserve it.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 09/06/2022 18:41

@rainbowmilk maybe read my threads about Dd before commenting.

OP posts:
Marotte · 09/06/2022 22:50

I haven't RTFT or your other posts, but another option might be an EBD school if your area has one? Is homeschooling not an option? She might be able to get a good handful of GCSEs enough to start college in what she is interested in if the situation is both suitable for home education and she is keen to be taught at home? Then a fresh start for 6th form? I do understand this might not be suitable or appropriate.

knockyknees · 10/06/2022 01:55

rainbowmilk · 09/06/2022 15:01

I feel sorriest for the kids she's bullied, having it hanging over their necks that she might come back. It doesn't surprise me that the school has wimped out, unfortunately. Not much has changed since I went to school! The problem is that being given infinite chances when they are clearly not warranted is fuelling the fire that she's special and consequences don't apply. Really not great for her, long term.

Exactly.

Spanglemum · 10/06/2022 09:58

I would say to her well done for finding the new school. She did show a bit of initiative there to be honest.
Basically it's down to her now. If she doesn't attend or bullies people she will get permanently excluded again. You don't necessarily have to point that out to her but be positive.
In my experience the problem is probably that the PRUs are over subscribed. The pandemic has led to a massive increase in mental health and behavioural problems for teenagers. The 'system' was straining before that so there are not the specialist placements available.

It's down to her now. She either uses those opportunity or she doesn't and faces the consequences.

riesenrad · 10/06/2022 10:11

School does sound useless but at the same time, you're her parent, OP. You and her father have to take some of the responsibility for how she turned out, surely

Oooh we can have the nature nurture argument! I suppose it couldn't be that she has taken after her father who sounds like a bit of an entitled twit? Anyway, teenagers haven't "turned out" - they've got quite a lot of growing up still to do.

It does annoy me when MNers (and sanctimonious parents generally) think that any "naughty" child has been badly brought up (no doubt so that they can preen themselves about how well they have brought their own children - no, you are just lucky if they never give you any trouble).

I hope that the new school DOES work out for her. Even if it has had a bad Ofsted report, that is just box ticking and doesn't mean the school is all rubbish.

Johnnysgirl · 10/06/2022 10:44

It does annoy me when MNers (and sanctimonious parents generally) think that any "naughty" child has been badly brought up
To be fair, and it's not op's fault, but this child seems to have been totally enabled by her father. So to quite a large extent she is a product of her environment.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 13/06/2022 14:38

There are meetings at school and LA level this week with hopes that Dd starts at the new school asap. In the meantime the HT has said she is not to mix with the school community and is to be in isolation until she starts at the new school. Dd decided she'd stay off last week and turned up today to be told to go to the head of year to get her work to do in the isolation classroom. She kicked off and went home. Her dad has kicked off too saying school aren't being fair and disagreeing with what they have put in place until she goes to the new school. It's easy to see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there. She's been given a chance by the HT at the new school. One that many don't think she deserves and she's still not behaving. She claims I've made school isolate her 🙄.

OP posts:
Scoobydoobydoo · 13/06/2022 15:02

Sorry to hear OP.
The only way from rock bottom is up.
I sincerely hope your DD hits rock bottom soon.

Spanglemum · 13/06/2022 15:41

I would stay out of it. You can tell her that current school decided she was working in isolation, was nothing to do with you but she might not believe you.

Ellie56 · 13/06/2022 15:55

She claims I've made school isolate her.

Just tell her not to be so silly. The HT is in charge of the school, not you.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 14/06/2022 09:27

Despite them both kicking off yesterday school have said that she's to be in isolation so she's decided not to attend. She's not done any of the work set for her online nor has she done any of her homework for weeks now. I've not watched that documentary, only heard about it, about the strictest school but somewhere like that would be a big wake up call for her.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 14/06/2022 10:20

If she lives with her useless father and her attendance is so poor why isn't he being fined for her non-attendance?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 15/06/2022 10:22

A very good question

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 15/06/2022 11:57

There was a meeting first thing today with the managed transfer coordinator and he was very nice and kind to Dd who is actually in school today!!!! Her dad was a no-show. Everyone in the meeting had concerns but equally everyone was very positive and encouraging of Dd and it is hoped she will make this transfer work. It's really hit her today that she has messed up. I feel sorry for her because her dad has enabled and to some extent encouraged her behaviour. He's let her down terribly. She is very lost and I'm worried about her. That doesn't negate the horrendous things she has done. She'll be more lost at the new school and it's a terrible time to start at the end of year 10 but I'm hoping she will make the right choices now and get on with things. It's like she has two completely different sides to her and I'm hoping the Dd she can be is the one who will be victorious. Despite everything I still wish she was home with me but she can't live here and go to the school she's going to as it's too far. I just feel very sad today.

OP posts:
Scoobydoobydoo · 15/06/2022 17:42

Aww OP.
You may not like your DD at the moment but you will always love her

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 20/06/2022 14:20

The saga continues. She was put in internal exclusion on Friday and today but instead of attending she has walked out of school today so is excluded again. She can't cope with isolation she says. Her dad just shrugs and says he can't do anything. There's yet another meeting now before she can go back into school and then she will sit her internal exclusion. I'm not going to the meeting. I've had enough of meetings that always have the same source and the same outcome followed by a repeat performance a few weeks later. There is an admission meeting at her new school this week but I'm worried now that they will withdraw the place they offered because of her continued bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 20/06/2022 14:25

I wouldn't go to anymore meetings at her old school. When is she able to start at the new one?

Put your energies into getting that place sorted and her enrolled asap.

It should be down to her and her Dad now but I can fully understand why you stay involved knowing how useless your ex is.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 20/06/2022 14:25

Wise to not go to the meeting.

You concentrate on looking after yourself so that when she needs you you can scoop her up. It's not easy to step back and watch the fall. I'm sorry, it must be very hard for you. Take care of yourself.

StEthelburgaRose · 20/06/2022 14:35

Probably best if she stays off the old school and isolation now and starts afresh at the new school.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 20/06/2022 17:47

She has an admission meeting tomorrow afternoon at the new school. She will be all sweetness and light. She is very much the actress who manipulates her audience into believing whatever persona she presents to them.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 20/06/2022 22:15

Just let her get on with it Confused

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 21/06/2022 00:31

That's a bit dismissive, @Johnnysgirl

If we all let our kids get on with it we'd not be giving that much of a shit, would we?

I'm making an assumption, but, given that OP's name is "always to blame" then, yanno - have a heart?

MummyingAway · 21/06/2022 08:37

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 21/06/2022 00:31

That's a bit dismissive, @Johnnysgirl

If we all let our kids get on with it we'd not be giving that much of a shit, would we?

I'm making an assumption, but, given that OP's name is "always to blame" then, yanno - have a heart?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria
Well said!

Lunificent · 21/06/2022 18:13

Do you know how the admissions meeting went?

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