To not want to breastfeed in front of everyone?!

[HWka]

I’m due to give birth any day now and it’s our first, first grandchild on my DH side (not on mine). My DHs parents are also divorced so there’s two sets of grandparents there and then my parents also.
I understand everyone is so excited about the baby and the support is wonderful but my DH keep making plans for things like Father’s Day, birthday meals out, Christmas, summer stay overs and discussing it as “and the baby will be here!” But I don’t want to take my baby to lots of restaurants out, holidays I don’t want to be on, Christmas stayovers with his family and then another stay over with his other parent!
I’m planning on breastfeeding and I just want the time and space to do this- I’m not comfortable doing it in a restaurant (I don’t care if others do at all I just don’t want to get my boobs out in front of my in laws or my own family for that matter!)
My family are really chilled and excited about the baby but just want me to do whatever I’m happy with.
I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed?! Not to mention the fact I’ll be on maternity pay so I don’t want all my money going on these events!
I had a quiet word with my husband and he said that we can just do whatever I’m happy with, which I really hope he sticks to.
I know I’ll just need to stand up for myself nearer the time and say no but I just wondered if I’m been a bit hormonal and unreasonable?!

I breastfeed both my DC & yes, at the beginning I felt uncomfortable feeding in front of other people but as I got more confident with it I was able to feed in front of people, in restaurants etc. You may find the same.
If they're talking about things such as Christmas, that's 6months away, you will likely not be feeding as much & be more confident in your technique by then in any case.
So I'd say see how you feel as these events approach.

I agree with you OP. And I've got 2 children. I never got used to breastfeeding in front of anyone except my best friend.
Even the grandfathers got uncomfortable if I was feeding with them in the room - like my boob isn't even out weirdos!

Some women get used to it and some don't. Some women are naturally more comfortable. Don't let people pressure you. I always excused myself to feed baby - and it was a good excuse to take 20 minutes to relax when there were people around.

I think wait and see how it goes, you can’t shut your life down so you can breastfeed and never socialise.

It does sound like you’re being unreasonable to me; you can feed the baby before or after a restaurant meal out for example or you can go to a different room in a house to breastfeed. Sounds like you just don’t want to do any of these things

There's a lot of clever contraptions that mean you can breastfeed pretty discreetly as well. I was never a full baps out feeder (fair play if you are!) but also got used to feeding in public. Having a baby is lovely but can also be a little isolating if you're not going out.

Babies don't feed solidly. You can take it off to a private room to feed in private. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for that. But I don't think you can avoid letting other people enjoy the baby too and it'll be hard to stop them passing it around for a cuddle. After a few weeks you'll get into some routines and know when they're likely to need a feed so can plan going out and visitors around that to some extent.

I think you are getting ahead of yourself a bit. It sounds like hopefully your DH gets it, and will go with what you want. You really don't know yet how things are going to go. You might take to breastfeeding like a duck to water, and find you feel more confident than you expect. You might not get on with breastfeeding, and end up bottle feeding after a few weeks. What I mean is, see how you feel, and how things are going at the time, and decide then what is best for you as a family. It is understandable that family are excited now. It doesn't mean you have to commit to anything.

Just don't make any plans for now and see how you feel when baby arrives/turns 3/6/9 months - you won't know how you'll feel at each stage as you get more confident. Don't stress about other people's expectations. Just do what feels right at the time.

Obviously you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable but you don’t need to decide now and you’ll probably find after the first little while that you don’t want to just stay at home the entire time your baby is breastfed. I got a good breastfeeding cover (from Bon and Bear but there are many to chose from) to use in situations that might otherwise be awkward.

I do think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable to talk about baby being passed around like a doll. I have a big family and personally I think it’s lovely that my 12 week old baby gets so many cuddles and smiles and family (who love her) wanting to interact with her. Again though, your baby, your choice!

Agree completely with this. He is excited to do all these things with his family and experience them with his child. Saying you'll never go to restaurants or on holiday whilst breastfeeding sounds bonkers. It sounds like your new baby is being used as an excuse to avoid seeing his family if I'm honest.

Your child isn't even here yet, you won't know how you feel or what you want to do before you're actually living the reality.

I don't think that your picture of how breastfeeding a baby is truly reflects the reality.

The baby doesn't feed 24/7, even when it feels like it - especially once you're past the newborn cluster feeding stage, you have decent intervals between feeds that mean that you can socialise and be out and about without being interrupted. You may also find that you're less self conscious about it by then - again, once the newborn popping on and off stage is done, you've generally got pretty good at the latching and it's easy to be discreet if that's what you want.

I agree about not filling your calendar entirely; apart from anything else, it would have massively overstimulated my baby so would have been a terrible idea. That being said, I think you might be underestimating how hard and boring maternity leave can be, especially if you're putting yourself in isolation.

Do you like your DH's family? Because this does sound a bit like an excuse to avoid them...

Don't worry about Christmas, have the baby first and see how you feel. You can always use a shawl over your shoulder or a feeding cover thingy or you won't go anywhere.

He's getting over excited.

But you'll get used to BFing, baby 👶 needs time to learn, and you do too. The hardest bit is getting to 6 weeks. Once your there it's a piece of cake, baby knows what they are doing, you pop them on and off like a duck to water.

You don't need any £££ contraptions to keep your dignity breastfeeding, two layers is all you need, t-shirt and a vest top, pull vest top down & t-shirt up, or t-shirt and a cardi / scarf, using the cardi or scarf to keep your dignity.

YAB a bit ridiculous to be honest. How long are you planning to shut yourself away for? 🤔

There are loads of ways to breastfeed 'discreetly' if that's what you want to - specially designed clothes, covers, use a muslin, go into another room...I've breastfed two for over a year each and never shut myself away or avoided events because of it. Honestly you're massively over thinking. What do you think happens when you have a second? You'd deprive child one of any social interaction because you need to feed child two??

Of course take your time to get used to it, work out strategies you're comfortable with etc, but mostly, get a bit of a grip!

See how things go. I was uncomfortable feeding around people at first but after about a month once I felt more comfortable with baby latching and feeding position I have found it’s quite easy to feed very discreetly. Wear a nursing vest top you can pull down and another top on top to pull up and people won’t see a thing. But if you still don’t feel comfortable just excuse yourself somewhere else whilst you feed, I love being at home just me and baby but I’d go mad if I never went anywhere and just stayed home all the time due to feeding.

Saying you'll never go to restaurants or on holiday whilst breastfeeding sounds bonkers.

This

I mean fine to not make many commitments at the start, you'll need time to get used to it all, but limiting nice things 4,6,12 months down the line because of BF is a bit crackers.

You don't know how you'll feel. My attitude to my boobs radically changed when I started bfing. They became a means of feeding my baby and that's it.

TBH Isolating yourself is likely to cause more issues that would lead to stopping breastfeeding earlier than panned.

I note of course it's the ILS that as always are the issue, I wonder if any ILS have ever done anything right for DILs?

I never got used to bf in front of people I know, could make sure I was facing away from the main crowd in a cafe and feed, but not sat 3ft away from FIL! I would just pop out of the room to feed at home or at family homes, if we were going to be out for a while with family I expressed. All credit to those who can I just couldn't

I defend the choice of breastfeeding in public, but also in private if that is what a mother chooses to do.

I hope your husband's view which seems supportive does not change.

I totally understand wanting privacy for the first few weeks while you figure it out, and of course some women never feel comfortable feeding in public. But I don't think you need to worry about things as far away as Christmas - feeding a 6/7 month old is very different to a wriggling newborn who doesn't know what they're doing. Plus you can always go to another room.

Just to pick up on a different point from your op - 'I'll be on maternity pay so do t want my money going on these things.'

Money is joint once you have children, otherwise it's not fair. One of you earns the money, one of you looks after your child.

All income in to one pot, (or however you do it, but the thinking is 'joint'), family bills including child's things out of joint, left over split 50/50.

Try not to overthink it for now. You're working yourself up about something that you may not even care about. I don't get my boobs out feeding, I do one top up, one down. If you're on Facebook, I'd recommend the breastfeeding group 'can I breastfeed in it?'.

I’ve voted yanbu because you shouldn’t be pressured to do anything you’re not happy with but I’ve fed two babies over 5 years in total, anywhere and everywhere, without flashing my nipples to the world. Making yourself housebound isn’t going to do your mental health any favours.

Breastfeed how you like. You will find you won't want to stay in all the time either so don't rule out going to restaurants.

Grandparents will expect to see grandchild at Christmas, you can decide how to make it work for you, dh and baby nearer the time.

You don’t have to decide now what your feelings will be later. They may not be as you predict; mine weren’t, and once bfing becomes easy, your feelings can change again. You can express, have other people take the baby and have a meal in piece. The occasional bottle of ready-made formula won’t do any harm either. When you bf you end up in physical contact with the baby for the majority of the day, everyday. Don’t underestimate how nice it can be to get a break. Or send Dad and baby to these events alone.