To not want to breastfeed in front of everyone?!

[HWka]

I’m due to give birth any day now and it’s our first, first grandchild on my DH side (not on mine). My DHs parents are also divorced so there’s two sets of grandparents there and then my parents also.
I understand everyone is so excited about the baby and the support is wonderful but my DH keep making plans for things like Father’s Day, birthday meals out, Christmas, summer stay overs and discussing it as “and the baby will be here!” But I don’t want to take my baby to lots of restaurants out, holidays I don’t want to be on, Christmas stayovers with his family and then another stay over with his other parent!
I’m planning on breastfeeding and I just want the time and space to do this- I’m not comfortable doing it in a restaurant (I don’t care if others do at all I just don’t want to get my boobs out in front of my in laws or my own family for that matter!)
My family are really chilled and excited about the baby but just want me to do whatever I’m happy with.
I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed?! Not to mention the fact I’ll be on maternity pay so I don’t want all my money going on these events!
I had a quiet word with my husband and he said that we can just do whatever I’m happy with, which I really hope he sticks to.
I know I’ll just need to stand up for myself nearer the time and say no but I just wondered if I’m been a bit hormonal and unreasonable?!

I guess it depends a bit how long you’re planning to feed for (not that you need to know that now!), as it could end up being a long time of restricting what you do. I think not making firm plans makes sense anyway to begin with, I’d give it a month or two and see how it’s going, and you might feel differently (obviously it’s fine if you don’t!). Don’t put pressure on yourself either way, say you’ll not be making firm plans for the months after the baby is born and will just see how things go.

I’ve not voted as I think YANBU to not want breastfeed in front of people but YABU to be thinking about not going to any event for the next 12 months because you’re BF.

As a PP said isolating yourself is going to be a lot worse than BF in front of people.

I never BF in front of anyone as I was quite young and felt uncomfortable. I just went into a different room if I needed to feed and fed before and after. I also expressed milk into a bottle for if my DD wouldn’t settle on the bus or something and there was no where to go.

I think it is just your hormones but if you’re genuinely thinking about isolating yourself then I would rethink BF completely.

YANBU, you don’t know how comfortable you will feel yet so I can see why you are anxious to make those plans. You may find it a doddle and be able to do it discreetly, you may be able to express and take a bottle, you may be able to combination feed and take formula. Baby will go longer between feeds after a few months so you can plan to give them a nice big feed in the car when you arrive. Lots of options, try not to worry!

You're both being a bit unreasonable.

This is your first baby. You - and I don't mean this patronisingly - have literally no idea how it's going to be for you. Neither does your husband. The difference between him and you though, is that he's not carrying the child and envisages a tiny cute portable thing whereas you're thinking of a baby that needs to be fed and changed. Neither of you are wrong!

I would tell him to chill on the plans, you're not saying no but you're not saying yes, and it definitely does need your input. Also don't wind yourself up about breastfeeding - it's very easy to do discreetly so literally no one knows you're doing it, you'll be a pro in no time I'm sure. That's obviously not to say that you can't go and sit somewhere away from the crowd if you want to, but don't limit yourself before the baby is even born by saying you don't want to BF in front of anyone.

Perhaps the main issue is that you don't know how you will feel after giving birth and how you and baby will take to breastfeeding, so you don't want the pressure of needing to recover and get to grips with being a mum quickly because holidays and trips out have already been booked and planned?

I'm only 19 weeks pregnant but I know I would feel a bit ambushed if my DH started telling me who was visiting when / what holidays we were going on / whose house we were going to for which special occasion before our baby was even born.

I think just don't make any firm plans as yet. You don't know how things will be and what type of baby you'll have. I'm very private but found I felt quite isolated with my first so quickly got used to breastfeeding in public (when you have a screaming baby, the only thing you want to do is get it fed and you sort of have tunnel vision on that a bit I found!). I found the days just felt endless if I stayed at home with him all the time. He was a feed every 10 mins type (I literally had people aghast saying "what, you're feeding him AGAIN?!") so if I wanted to go anywhere at all I had to be used to feeding him in public. I got very good at covering with a scarf/muslin! With DD, she quickly went 3 hours between feeds and was in a (gentle) nap and feed routine by 3 months so much easier to plan outings that didn't need public feeding. Or plan somewhere to feed as I'd know when that would be needed. Also, post 6 months it gets a bit easier as you can offer food as well.

You are not being unreasonable because this is how you feel now but honestly you will chill out about breastfeeding around other people once the baby is here and your overwhelming instinct is to feed it vs worrying what others thing.

if you’re so worried about passers-by looking at your boobs then get one of those pretentious cover up thingies. Most people find they draw more attention and you’re better off with a vest/lift up or button off top combo. To quote my mother, “no-one’s going to look at you.”

good luck and enjoy the portability and flexibility of breastfeeding.

I would just not give it too much thought and see how you feel when baby is here. With my first I was quite happy bumming about in my Pjs feeding all day, but with my second I was more keen to be out and about socialising. So I would just not commit to any major plans but see how you feel closer to the time.

Initially when I fed my boys there was a lot of boob flashing once we got established then as they got bigger and didn’t feed as much I could express or go out in between feeds if it was haircut etc but I used to just wear a stretchy vest decent bf bra and confit loose tops and didn’t flash anyone - wore lots of light scarves too. So never got them right out anywhere until I was more confident to feed comfortably (I didn’t ever get my full boob out except for those first few weeks or at night in my own bed.

wirg my youngest I had 3 other children who needed to go to school etc so meant that baby could be fed anywhere I was - and so I needed to be able to feed out and about. I hated expressing but some people don’t mind it. I would just see how you feel post baby as things change, my sister was v anti breastfeeding - she ended up feeding her own 3 and was really open and relaxed about it - she made me feel like shit for doing it pre kids which was interesting.

I'm 4 months in with having a baby and breastfeeding. You may not be the same as me but I was a homebody before (went to work, but enjoyed going straight home!). Now I have DS, it can get very lonely and isolating being at home. I look forward to going out. The baby is actually happier out and about. He's at the age where he's becoming difficult to keep busy and he enjoys observing and listening to people! I have always been shy but I've felt OK breastfeeding outside the home. I wouldn't do it in public without a cover though. So you may feel this way now, but if you're anything like me.. you'll want to get out the house and see people once baby is here and the newborn days are over.

I breastfed for 18 months and by the end wasn't bothered where I did it. But it did take me about 2 months to get to this stage and I didn't really go anywhere during that time.

However, breastfeeding aside, you may not be feeling up to big gatherings anyway. I just generally didn't feel like going out for 2 months (I had a c section which didn't help but I think the same would have applied if I had a normal birth).

I'm sure your DH has good intentions making the plans and it is nice that he is excited, but I don't think he is thinking about how you and baby might feel, and needs to calm down making plans ahead of time as it is overwhelming for you, and just take each day as it comes.

For your own sanity and your baby's social development, loosen the umbilical cord. It's good for a baby to be gently held and adored by close family; to gradually get used to a widening circle; and it's good for you (and your marriage) to have a little time to your self, a breathing space to remember you are a separate and independent person. You (and the baby) both need to feel confident and secure when someone else holds him. Not least because it almost certainly will be unavoidable in normal domestic life ; if you had covid or had to go into hospital. So, get your mindset ready.

As for public breastfeeding, don't worry about it. Many many women develop the knack of maintaining such total modesty and discretion that many people close by won't even notice what she'd doing. Get yourself a very light soft shawl and you'll be ready for whenever your baby decides Its Time.

Don't keep anticipating problems. One of the great things about babies is that they attract all sorts of unexpected help support and encouragement to their newbie mother; make the most of it. You'll enjoy motherhood a whole lot more if you allow other people to share the baby joy.

The baby is as much part of their family as it is yours, they are exciting and want to make plans and feel included - and include the baby in their already established family. There’s nothing wrong with that all, it’s all just talk right now. All you have to do is smile and nod.

Once baby comes if you don’t want to go out to a restaurant then you just say no I don’t want to go - why do you need to declare to your partner and his family that you won’t want to go at this point?

In the nicest way, you’re being unreasonable and yes I get it bc I was also unreasonable when I was pregnant.

You soon learn with babies, kids and families - pick your battles. Also, don’t make your partner have to choose between sharing and enjoying his child (and it is half his remember) with this parents and keeping you happy. He should be able to have both.

@Dinoteeth I once sat directly across from a colleague who was breastfeeding, and didn't even notice. But we all noticed the lady on the other table who had a massive cover up cape thing. Especially as her parent had to put it on for her!

My 2 DC were exclusively BF, never took a bottle, and alongside food (obviously!) were BF until they were 1 and 2 respectively.

I never once “got my boobs out”. I’m extremely shy and modest and managed to feed everywhere, including church, without exposing myself at all.

The only part where you’re not being unreasonable is the first couple of weeks where you get the hang of it.

Don't panic! Nobody is making you do anything...in fact they can't make you, ever. I am comfortable with feeding in public....not at all discreet due to massive boobs. Here's the thing..... whenever I wanted to take a break from the visitors that I had agreed to have, I would just say " right, I will leave you for a bit as I am going to feed the baby." And off I would go leaving my husband with the relatives. 🙂 A couple of my babies had to bottle fed quite quickly as I had thrush.... breast feeding with thrush is a new kind of hell.....and I would sometimes do it with a bottle 😘 that time feeding a baby is really important for bonding and attachment

Try not to worry about things that haven't happened.
You really don't know how you will feel or how feeding will go.
Even if you are breastfeeding and you're uncomfortable doing it in public you can quietly go into another room or the garden or even the car at social occasions.My first DC was very easy to feed although it took me some time to get used to feeding them in public.I went to loads of social occasions , pubs and restaurants etc with them because a portable tiny baby needs no clutter and if you are bf , only a nappy and a few wipes in your handbag.
My second was a bit of a nightmare but , of course , I had a just walking toddler ( and it was in the days before paternal leave) so I had no option but to be out of the flat a lot of the time.I became much more used to feeding here there and everywhere.No one ever commented and almost no one noticed.
Yes the skill of your baby and it's personality will inform how you find all this as well as your own ideas of modesty but there will be no need not to see family and friends.After all not only is the baby your partners ,just as much as yours, they are an addition to both of your families and the wider world.
No need to make major plans for the first few weeks , see how it goes, but also this is not something to worry about at this point.

Do what you want and what you are comfortable with.

I can’t stress this enough - it’s not up to anyone else. They don’t get to advise or decide for you, or make you feel bad. It’s your body.

I’m very private about my body and never breastfed in front of anyone except my husband. I sat on loo floors, in clothes changing rooms, whatever, as long as it was private.

my body, my choice.

You’re going to have a 6+ month year old at Christmas. It’s fine if you don’t like your husband’s family but you’re going to need a better excuse than breastfeeding by then.

If we were out and about I always went either to a spare room or the car with a nice cup of tea and an audiobook while I breastfed my dd. I have no problem with others feeding wherever they want, but am a very private person and enjoyed that it was a private time for us. As others have said, don't make firm plans now, see how you feel nearer the time and what is best for you and the baby.

He will soon understand that going out and travelling with a young child and bringing, carrycots, prams, and all the other things when staying over takes a little more planning than travelling as a couple, this might curtail his current plans a bit.
On the BF front, just do as you are comfortable, there are some good tops designed for the purpose and a large muslin can provide the privacy you might want in public areas. After a while and you become more adjusted to your babies needs I'm sure you'll settle into it OK.

I felt like this when I was pregnant too and when she was born. I read it's quite normal not to want to pass baby around, instinct is to keep baby close. To be honest a breastfeeding relationship can be disrupted by constantly going out to events and passing baby around. Also, you might want to reserve your energy, I was absolutely exhausted with my daughter by 3.5 months. A slow pace is best in my experience for breastfeeding.

Your partner is probably just excited but he needs a reality check and to sit down.

Its perfectly fine to not want to feed infront of others, i never really got comfortable with it.

Its perfectly fine for you to not want plans made for you, when you dont even know how you will feel yourself.

I loved bunkering down feeding, bonding and just getting used to being a mum myself, without the pressure of anything else or future plans to contend with.

You may change your mind when baby is here, but more importantly, you may not, so make sure you tell your husband any plans he makes are for himself only until you say otherwise.

Enjoy your baby your way.