To not want to breastfeed in front of everyone?!

[HWka]

I’m due to give birth any day now and it’s our first, first grandchild on my DH side (not on mine). My DHs parents are also divorced so there’s two sets of grandparents there and then my parents also.
I understand everyone is so excited about the baby and the support is wonderful but my DH keep making plans for things like Father’s Day, birthday meals out, Christmas, summer stay overs and discussing it as “and the baby will be here!” But I don’t want to take my baby to lots of restaurants out, holidays I don’t want to be on, Christmas stayovers with his family and then another stay over with his other parent!
I’m planning on breastfeeding and I just want the time and space to do this- I’m not comfortable doing it in a restaurant (I don’t care if others do at all I just don’t want to get my boobs out in front of my in laws or my own family for that matter!)
My family are really chilled and excited about the baby but just want me to do whatever I’m happy with.
I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed?! Not to mention the fact I’ll be on maternity pay so I don’t want all my money going on these events!
I had a quiet word with my husband and he said that we can just do whatever I’m happy with, which I really hope he sticks to.
I know I’ll just need to stand up for myself nearer the time and say no but I just wondered if I’m been a bit hormonal and unreasonable?!

It’s definitely best not to make plans until the baby is here and you know how you’ll feel.

I breastfed for 3 months and never felt comfortable doing it in public. DS was a nightmare and used to latch on for long enough to get the milk flowing, then latch off and scream because it wasn’t fast enough for him. So then milk would be squirting everywhere. If I fed him for longer than 5 minutes it was too much milk and he’d bring it all up again (bad reflux) so I’d be soaked in milk. It was fine at home but would have been very stressful in public.

If I’d had one of those lovely babies that you can just pop on your nipple and they’ll feed contently it might have been different.

Your DH needs to understand that you can’t commit to anything yet.

I'd see how you feel once the baby is here. I've breastfed both mine and I'd have never gone anywhere if I avoided feeding in public! You can get breastfeeding covers that give you complete privacy, also once mine were a few months old they started to develop a feeding pattern of every 2/3/4 hours so I was able to plan more. Honestly, your child will be at its most 'portable' in those early months! They will sleep anywhere and they can't crawl or run off, I miss that now I have a crazy toddler who won't sit still! Meals out with her are a distant memory!

I think it's not unreasonable to not want to commit to loads of events, and people passing round your baby is annoying (but you don't know that they'll do that yet).

But if you only breastfeed at home it is going to limit your life somewhat... once you get the hang of it after the first few weeks there's no reason not to go out and about. You can buy clothes that make it really discreet -you don't need to "get your boobs out" to feed a baby. Although it is your choice- I just think I would have gone mad being stuck at home with a baby...I would suggest saying you aren't ready to make plans yet but keeping an open mind until the baby is here.

I'm certainly not the sort of person who's comfortable getting it all out in front of anyone really (DH and medical personnel excepted). However, I did find quite quickly that I could breastfeed very discreetly. I had a cover which worked well until DD was five months or so (then she started to be annoyed by the cover). So you might find it's not too bad when you get used to it.

You could say to family, "Please don't plan too much yet, I want to get used to feeding baby before I agree to anything," or something along those lines. That way you're not committing yourself to something you might not be happy doing, but you're not turning them down either.

You haven't had your baby yet. You don't know what its feeding habits are going to be or how long you'll be breastfeeding for or if you'll express milk for it or how regularly and for how long it will want to feed, or any of those things. You're getting way, way ahead of yourself.

If you take your baby somewhere, you don't have to breastfeed in front of people. Some women do, some don't. The ones that don't go into another room.

I think it's quite telling that you also add that you don't want your baby 'being passed round like a doll' to relatives.To be honest it just sounds like a) you just don't really like your DH's family and/or b) your hormones are all over the place and you're anxious about something that you'll look back on later and laugh about.

You may find that you feel differently as the baby gets older and you're more confident with it all. At the very start it helps to 'get your boobs out' to breastfeed but once you have the knack of it, you can feed without much showing at all, it becomes fairly efficient and smooth. It's fine to avoid making firm plans now but keep your mind open to the possibility that you may feel differently when the time comes.

Totally agree, I ended up with this parachute style cover! Was fine while they were little and I was getting used to doing it in public.

I'd wait and see how things go, you don't know how you'll feel at the time. Christmas is 6 months away so there's no need to plan now and everything else you can take as it comes.

BF can be really discreet once you've established. You might find a few weeks in you're comfortable doing it anywhere, negative comments or looks aren't as common as mn and media would have you believe. I would bf everywhere and anywhere and most of the time no one even knew. With dc2 there was no choice, pop baby in a sling and he'd feed as we walked dc1 to school, around shops or in restaurants. Life goes on and you can't just stop existing.
Only my brother ever got uncomfortable, but that was mainly because first time I bf in front him baby popped off and he got a face full of let down spray- the only time it ever happened too!

Honestly I've never breastfed but I wouldn't like all these plans being made. You have no idea until your baby is born how you will feel once the baby is here. You could have a super chilled baby or (hopefully not)a refluxy or colicky baby or a baby who hates being in the car like I had. So until your baby is here you can't say you will definitely do such and such. Babies are all different so see how things go and how you feel and how the feeding goes. Personally I loved getting out and about during the day with my children and I loved visiting my parents as they took over baby care for an hour or two lol but I didn't and still don't like things like restaurant meals out and things like that with babies. Newborns are fine but after a few months it's a nightmare so personally unless ive a babysitter I'm very happy to stay at home. And I hate any nighttime events with small children. That's just me again I'd rather stay at home. What other people like to do is their own business. Sorry for the long post but just wanted to say that its your choice and see how you feel regardless of breastfeeding.

He's an over excited dad to be. So long as he says you can see how it goes then go with that.

The next 6-12 months are going to be life changing for both of you. You however are a bit more prepared because you are more aware of baby currently. He will take time to catch up. Hopefully he will.

Don't let him plan anything for baby's first month and then see how you feel from there. You are much more likely to succeed with breastfeeding long term if you can get comfortable with doing what you need to do in order to feed. For some that's being comfortable feeding anywhere, for some it's having the confidence to say baby needs a feed is there somewhere I can take them - and doing so. It's an interesting journey and one which will likely take you places you wouldn't imagine now - I hope it goes well for you.

Don't borrow trouble- your already stressing about Christmas and your baby isn't here yet!! You may feel happy feeding in restaurants, you may be a champion at expressing, you may be desperate to give someone else a squeeze of your baby at family events, there's simply no way of knowing at this point. Don't stress about the distant future, don't commit to anything or decline anything this far in advance, just wait and see how things go.

In the nicest way, you are being unreasonable, its the hormones.

Yes in the first few weeks stay at home and get feeding established, but after that, you can't give up your life to stay at home and feed. The first feed out is scary, and I've gotten good at feeding in the car but christmas is way to far away to be worrying about it now!

Best of luck with your baby, Xx

I wasn’t comfortable feeding with other people around so I expressed. Meant my husband could do some nights, too.

congratulations.

You may feel differently when the baby is here. I thought I would hate breastfeeding in public, but it's not really the case of getting your boobs out in front of people, it can be done pretty discreetly. I can't see how it will practically work though not going out anywhere in the breastfeeding years, it's great for your baby (and you) to be in social situations once breastfeeding has been established.

I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed

I do think you are being a little unreasonable here - no-one will be expecting you to be passing your baby around like a doll, and if the baby is hungry and wants to feed, there is no way that any of your relatives will want to take a screaming baby from its mother's breast. I do think you are being a bit dramatic and it's not like once the cluster feeding weeks are over that your baby is going to be permanently feeding.

Obviously it’s totally fine to not make plans in the early weeks so you can figure everything out is normal but not wanting to do anything later in the summer or even staying over around Christmas is weird to blame it on breastfeeding!

The babies not even here yet! I bet things will die down after a short while. To be honest babies are pretty boring.
Fine if you are uncomfortable breastfeeding in public (there will be times when you are caught out though), but if at someone's house just ask them beforehand where you can go to feed in private.

I avoided feeding both of mine in public, like you I didn't feel comfortable. Most people were understanding, and tried to be accommodating of my decision. Only the odd person expressed their surprise at my discomfort.

Just go into another room, or a quieter place.

I don't think YABU because I think the feelings you're having are totally normal, but as others have said you may feel differently once baby is here.

Re BF, I was worried about doing this in front of others (inc family) at the beginning but once I had done it a few times I became a lot more comfortable. IME it's easier to start with female relatives, and with male relatives they tend to make themselves unavailable when the baby is latching to give you some privacy. I will confess though since my baby will take a bottle, I have used ready made formula on more days out than I have BF. This is more for convenience and so I don't have to worry about whether the venue (or my outfit) is BF friendly.

Re events, it sounds like DH is just excited about your new arrival but I think he should slow down a bit on events that are coming up soon e.g. Fathers Day and also overnight visits. You really don't know how you will be feeling or what sort of baby you will have. I had my first baby 2months ago and it has been a total shock to the system. Short visits from friends and family are lovely, and so are days out with DC, but longer visits have been stressful (due to DC being kept awake/getting overtired, and me getting annoyed with lack of space/privacy whilst operating on very little sleep) and we have had a few meltdowns from DC when we have been out of the house for too long.

Essentially, I wouldn't close yourself off from social events as they can break up the monotony of mat leave, but I wouldn't over commit - especially when baby isn't even here yet.

Best of luck!

you are totally overthinking this and you have no idea yet how you will actually feel.

I thought i'd be out and about like days after baby arrived but I really wasn't able until she was about a month old! and it took me a while to get used to feeding her in public - but then i got really confident and did it anywhere (didn't think I would)

Just smile and nod when husband says things like this and then when the baby is here and stuff is organised - just refuse to go if you don't feel up to it

I totally understand how you're feeling, OP. My DD is 12 months and I continue to breastfeed away from friends and family (as others have said, it's a good excuse to disappear for 20 mins in peace and soak in 1-2-1 time with baby away from everyone else). This works really well for us.

In the throws of having a new baby, baby may cluster feed and feed tonnes. If you're anything like me, you may be feeding your little one for hours and hours and hours a day in the first few weeks (hard going but totally doable) in which case, you will probably want to be at home lots, enjoying sofa snuggles and feeding and watching loads of boxsets. I would say be open to however your first few months of motherhood look (and what kind of temperament your baby has) and then decide with your DH what events you would like to go to. People will understand if you only visit something briefly if you have a baby in arms. And you're the mama, so be confident in advocating for you and your baby and knowing what is going to be too much. All the best for this exciting new stage of life!

The not wanting baby passed around like a doll I am a bit mixed about - my eldest was born at the height of covid so no one could have cuddles with her and it hurt a lot. It's something I'll never forget and the loneliness.
You can limit how many people you have for visiting and when though

I went sofa shopping with my second born when she was about 6 weeks old (we had just moved house) I had to feed and took myself off to a quieter part of the store. A lady was looking at the sofas and commented how pretty baby was then apologised as she hadn't realised I was feeding. You honestly won't be flapping your boobs around for everyone to see. When I am at my grandparents house I go into a different room just so no one is uncomfortable and we have quiet time to feed.

When they are newborns yes they cluster feeding but honestly you can't never go out anywhere because you don't want to feed out and about. If that's how you feel maybe express some milk and bottle feed that could be an option if it would make you more comfortable. Please don't isolate yourself from socialising becoming a mum can be lonely enough as it is.

Good luck with baby and your bf journey

When my newborn baby was under weight and too small to gain many calories in return for the effort of breastfeeding, my every waking moment seemed to involve my boobs being out, either for feeding or pumping.
I wish I could've got DH to calm the fuck down with the social calendar and endless visitors traipsing through while DS and I got into a groove.
First time mum's need time and space to get in the swing of things, not pressure heaped on to "get a grip" or allow everyone else to have their fun.
A few months down the line I'd worry about when you get there. You don't know what kind of baby you're going to get or how you're going to feel by then.

I'd only have an issue with the Father's Day plan as that is so soon. Christmas etc is so far off, I think it's way too soon to make a call on that.
Your DH does need to stop promising these things to people though, he needs to let them know that hopefully it will be fine but you both will need to see nearer the time.

OP I fed my child until he was 2, stayed over and went out, never fed in front of in laws. I just went upstairs to a different room. Christmas baby will be 7 months, they will be feeding less frequently. It's fine if you jsut don't want to make plans, and definitely don't make plans for the next month. But after that you can go to things if you want to and work it around feeds. You can feed in the car, or in a different room.