To not want to breastfeed in front of everyone?!

[HWka]

I’m due to give birth any day now and it’s our first, first grandchild on my DH side (not on mine). My DHs parents are also divorced so there’s two sets of grandparents there and then my parents also.
I understand everyone is so excited about the baby and the support is wonderful but my DH keep making plans for things like Father’s Day, birthday meals out, Christmas, summer stay overs and discussing it as “and the baby will be here!” But I don’t want to take my baby to lots of restaurants out, holidays I don’t want to be on, Christmas stayovers with his family and then another stay over with his other parent!
I’m planning on breastfeeding and I just want the time and space to do this- I’m not comfortable doing it in a restaurant (I don’t care if others do at all I just don’t want to get my boobs out in front of my in laws or my own family for that matter!)
My family are really chilled and excited about the baby but just want me to do whatever I’m happy with.
I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed?! Not to mention the fact I’ll be on maternity pay so I don’t want all my money going on these events!
I had a quiet word with my husband and he said that we can just do whatever I’m happy with, which I really hope he sticks to.
I know I’ll just need to stand up for myself nearer the time and say no but I just wondered if I’m been a bit hormonal and unreasonable?!

I'm confused then! You seem to be responding to me, but I was responding to someone else?!

Sorry! 🌸

I'm with you OP. Fathers Day is soon and aside from the feeding you will have a tiny baby and may well not feel like going out. Re the feeding, stand your ground and do what is comfortable.

Also in the nicest, gentlest way .. you are being a bit U.

I think fair enough to say you want to take things slowly at the start. Establish breastfeeding at home without the stress of people watching. Not rush out to restaurants, cafes, anything else when you have a newborn who might be difficult in the pram etc (mine hated it and it took me some time to get used to how the carrier worked). Take your time and get to know your baby.

Don’t plan on hiding away for months or a year though. Just say the first month or so you’ll take things easy - no expectations of leaving the house etc. After that just see how things go but the assuming you’ll be hiding away for the whole baby stage is a bit bonkers.

As for feeding outside. You can do so modestly if you want like with a cover, but to never feed in public means you won’t take your child to any baby group? The library? Baby rhyme times? Nothing?

Wait until the baby is born. You might not want to be a recluse that is excluded from family events just because you had a baby. Most people enjoy living life with their baby alongside them and like being more than just mum, you might actually be glad of some normality and some company. It could be very lonely staying at home just you and baby until you finish breastfeeding.

She’s a first time mum navigating a completing alien situation. It’s a total unknown. I don’t see how comments like this are helpful and tbh could be very off putting for breast feeding.

Hi op,

I haven't rtft but I've seen some lovely supportive comments and agree you won't know how you'll feel until the time and Christmas etc is very far away, lots of mums excuse themselves to feed baby, it gets easier as they get older etc etc

It can also be helpful to question why you feel uncomfortable... In western culture breasts are highly sexualised. When you start feeding/thinking about feeding your baby yourself, your perspective can shift a bit and you realised that your boobs are there to provide nutrition and comfort for your babies. Anyone who feels uncomfortable with you feeding needs to deal with that issue. You're just doing what's natural and using your body as it was intended to feed your baby.

Hope that helps a bit X

I think you should see how it goes op. It might be ok.

I felt a bit like you are describing for the first few weeks. Events were more of a hassle than they were enjoyable mostly due to feeding. But it gets better and I wouldn’t assume it’s going to be all bad.

YABU. I completely get at the start you will want to stay at home to establish breastfeeding but do you honestly expect to never go out? You will make yourself ill.
And tbh how you have read your post makes me think you'll have no issue going to events with your family, just his will be the problem.

Not all babies can be fed to your schedule. That's not how it works.

I don't blame you OP. I was never into exhibition breastfeeding either

What is exhibition breastfeeding? No one is expecting anyone to breastfeed while tap dancing on a stage with nipple tassels on the other breast.

I don't blame you OP. I was never into exhibition breastfeeding either

ffs what an appalling misogynistic comment, wanting to leave your own house isn't 'exhibition breastfeeding' 🙄

Imagine how much hostility you must feel to new mothers to come out with such bollocks.

Not wanting to have lots of nights away and restaurant visits and events scheduled when you will have a very new baby as a first time Mum is not the same as saying you never want to leave the house, see the family, take baby to any groups.
OP might well be up for all those things when the time comes, the point is she doesn't need the pressure and especially without prior consultation.
People are getting a little carried away in the rush to tell her how wrong she is.

I agree, it's become a bit of a hyperbolic pile-on. Which never happens on MN 🤔

OP isn't saying she wants to sit at home and breastfeed for 2 years (as some PP have suggested), she's saying she's overwhelmed that DH is already committing to various things including the baby, such as summer holidays. Which is not only understandable, but realistic given the baby hasn't even been born yet. They don't know how the birth will be, how quickly they will adjust to new life as parents, etc.

All being well they'll have a happy and contented baby that will fit in just fine at all these things... However in my case I have a colicky, nap refuser who refuses to settle ever on an evening. Short visits are a great way to introduce baby to family but a summer holiday? Would be hell.

I don't blame you OP. I was never into exhibition breastfeeding either

Wow. The absolute ridiculousness of this comment.

I once got on a bus with DS3 in a sling. An older man commented that I could be breastfeeding and no one would ever know!

Reader, I was breastfeeding him.

If that’s ‘exhibition breastfeeding’ just because I happened to be out of my own house then so be it.

PS in 14 months of breastfeeding I never had any negative comments at all btw.

You can do whatever you want of course but I think you will go round the bend bit if you aren't planning on attending any social events while you are breastfeeding. Especially if you are home alone all day with a newborn, that will get a bit lonely. Won't you want to go to baby groups or meet up for coffees with other new Mum's or go for walks? Surely you will have to get used to some breastfeeding away from home? How long do you plan to breastfeed?

You can buy covers, you can sneak off to the car or a quiet corner if you rrally do fel uncomfortable but once you've got the hang of it a well placed muslin is usually enough to protect your modesty. Or you could express and take bottles for the outings.

You cannot possibly know how you will feel about breastfeeding until you've done it. It's nothing like going topless on a beach or being naked in front of people.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to cancel yours and your partners lives for the forseable. However, you could say to him that it might be better to not make fixed plans for now and decide as and when for each event. I think maybe it's not about the breastfeeding but the idea that you feel his family are taking over a bit and that your dh js just agreeing without checking with you.

OP isn't saying she wants to sit at home and breastfeed for 2 years (as some PP have suggested), she's saying she's overwhelmed that DH is already committing to various things including the baby, such as summer holidays.

Well the OP states quite clearly that she doesn't want to feed either in a restaurant or in front of the in-laws.

So it's logical enough to assume she doesn't want to feed publicly. I can't imagine strangers would be preferable. Or a cafe radically different to a restaurant.

Your baby (not theirs), your choice. Don’t let them bully you into doing anything you don’t want, including letting them pass the baby round if you don’t want them to.

The phrase “exhibition breastfeeding” being used on here is as insulting as it is stupid. Feeding with a muslin slung over your shoulder in public/breasts covered is hardly “exhibition feeding”. And that’s what everyone I’ve ever seen has done. I think that or the vest and jumper combo or breastfeeding clothes are extremely discreet (and a lot more discreet than those massive breastfeeding aprons!)

I was extremely concerned about this, pre baby. It’s a PFB worry, to be frank. I was angry before even having the baby, at the thought that I might have to go elsewhere in my home to feed, to make FIL or otherwise comfortable. Once you have the baby things change pretty dramatically/ the first few weeks of feeding can be tricky but generally if things go well you will master it and it becomes a piece of cake (and if they don’t go well, statistically you will switch to formula and it won’t even be an issue).

do not create problems and stress for yourself when they don’t really exist (said by someone who did just that!)

Actually I feel much more comfortable BFing in front of strangers, who I know I'll never see again, than I do in front of family. I do it, but still find it slightly awkward. That's just me though.

I get your point but essentially I think OP is getting a hard time here for having very natural and normal anxieties as she nears her due date - anxieties (such as BF in public) which are probably being exacerbated by DH committing her to lots of plans, that her to consider how baby will be fed, before baby is even born.

I get your point but essentially I think OP is getting a hard time here for having very natural and normal anxieties as she nears her due date

I'm not sure I agree that vetoing Christmas plans at this point and not wanting to go to restaurants for the duration of breastfeeding fall under the heading of 'natural and normal' anxieties. Unless they're fundamentally about wanting to avoid the in-laws, which they might well be.

Yabu because you need to be in the here and now, not planning arguments for a year's time. You don't know how you'll feel. It's a waste of time worrying about it.

Breastfeeding doesn't always work out, so there's that. Intending to is great but be kind to yourself if things don't go according to plan.

First time I did it in public felt a bit strange but soon my tits felt no more private than my elbow and tbh I couldn't give a shit what anyone thought. Or maybe I did but it was about item 74 on my list of things to worry about so I never got round to stressing about it. Once feeding is established you can latch them on with about half a cm of skin showing.

If just enjoy being able to get around without a baby right now, stress about this as and when you need to.

Yanbu to want to wait and see how you feel nearer the time. Committing to lots of trips, visitors and holidays now does seem silly. I'm glad it sounds like your DH is supportive. It'll potentially be good for you and DH to have lots of things you could do, just try not to commit until nearer the time.

Speaking from my own experience of BFing and talking to others, I do agree with a PP who said it gets much easier once you get to 5-6 weeks. It can be a bit of a slog until then for various reasons and so if you combine that with not feeling comfortable about the idea of breastfeeding in public I can completely see why you'd want to keep the diary clear. As it happens I have been quite comfortable with it pretty much from day 1 (I left all hopes of dignity somewhere in labour suite 😅😄), but I can fully appreciate that won't be everyone's experience.

I also don't understand why people think it's ok to assume they can hold and cuddle a new baby. They're not a toy. If new parents are happy to show off their baby then fab... But if they want privacy and to be left alone then that's fine too. It's a huge adjustment, particularly when it's your first.

Mixed feelings on this. I like that we've become a society where breastfeeding in public is completely acceptable and largely accepted but I do think this has led to pressure on mums to 'just get on with it' even if they'd prefer not to get their breasts out in public. I remember taking my then 3 week old for a check-up in hospital and asking the receptionist if the hospital had a breastfeeding room. I was told breezily, 'Oh, you can just do it anywhere" and had to be very clear that I didn't want to "do it anywhere", I wanted to do it in a private, unobserved space with no one else around. She looked at me doubtfully and suggested the cafe! And this was apparently a 'Baby-Friendly' hospital which heavily promoted breastfeeding.

My baby had difficulty latching on and would come on and off, screaming piercingly the whole time, so he wasn't one of those babies that 'no one would know you were feeding'. Instead, I'd have everyone in the vicinity staring at me, uncovered, wondering what I was doing to this poor baby! Things did improve as the baby got older but in the meantime I invested in a breastfeeding cover and that was a lifesaver.