To not want to breastfeed in front of everyone?!

[HWka]

I’m due to give birth any day now and it’s our first, first grandchild on my DH side (not on mine). My DHs parents are also divorced so there’s two sets of grandparents there and then my parents also.
I understand everyone is so excited about the baby and the support is wonderful but my DH keep making plans for things like Father’s Day, birthday meals out, Christmas, summer stay overs and discussing it as “and the baby will be here!” But I don’t want to take my baby to lots of restaurants out, holidays I don’t want to be on, Christmas stayovers with his family and then another stay over with his other parent!
I’m planning on breastfeeding and I just want the time and space to do this- I’m not comfortable doing it in a restaurant (I don’t care if others do at all I just don’t want to get my boobs out in front of my in laws or my own family for that matter!)
My family are really chilled and excited about the baby but just want me to do whatever I’m happy with.
I don’t want to be the daughter in law from hell but am I a bit mean by not wanting to take my baby to every event and be expected to pass it round like a doll whilst trying to feed?! Not to mention the fact I’ll be on maternity pay so I don’t want all my money going on these events!
I had a quiet word with my husband and he said that we can just do whatever I’m happy with, which I really hope he sticks to.
I know I’ll just need to stand up for myself nearer the time and say no but I just wondered if I’m been a bit hormonal and unreasonable?!

I'm going to vote for a very gentle YABU. I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think you're overthinking it. Just take your time, and you may find in 4 months time you do actually fancy a Christmas lunch with the in-laws. Your DH is on your side, so just do what you need to do.

I'm sorry but this is rubbish - of course a breastfeeding relationship cannot be disrupted by a baby being shown love from its wider family and being at events - unless the mother is choosing to withhold breast milk in those situations which is entirely different thing.

If the boobs are attached to Mum and baby is attached to Great Auntie Meg, obviously milk is not going to be transferring from Mum to baby 🙄

I remember being at the point where I was due to give birth any day and all I wanted was to be at home in my bubble. It's hard to think of all these plans when baby isn't here yet. Just say yes going to xyz in future will be lovely but lets not make firm plans until baby is here and we've settled into our new life.

This was me - I literally emptied my life to breastfeed and then it didn’t work out very well so my ds is combi fed. You can pump and take bottles with you!! Bloody brilliant. Also you can nip off to feed if you really want to- not v glam but you could feed in car or ask restaurant for a corner. Don’t worry about this yet as you may well feel different when baby is here and you’ve settled in. Deffo keep your life simple for the first 8-12 weeks to establish breastfeeding but you’ll be fine and if they book restaurants etc you can always stay home last minute if you want to! Tell them baby bit unwell or you’d like some quiet time at home, they’ll just have to get over it’s your. They’re just excited- don’t let it worry you, or feel any pressure over it. I was exactly like you and felt zero pressure when baby actually was here. Did what I wanted! Xxxx

I think not wanting to go for Christmas with a seven month old as you maybe breastfeeding, is a little concerning, the child will be being weaned at that stage and breastfeeding much less and you can easily go to another room for privacy, which makes me wonder if there is more to this. Do you suffer anxiety or maybe not like his family?

Are you saying that while a baby is in the breastfeeding stage it can never have any kind of relationship with another family member. That is completely bonkers. A bay does not breastfeed 24/7 even when establishing breastfeeding 🙄

I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable yes. If you plan to exclusively breastfeed that's quite possibly months and months on end of breastfeeding, are you not going to socialise at all because of this ? Completely ok to not want to feed in front of others, you can buy muslins that clip around your neck and fall lightly over your breast/baby so no one can see baby coming on/off the boob/fussing around etc. Perfect for the restaurant for example.

If you're staying at the in laws, you can go upstairs or into a separate room away from the noisy family to feed. That way you can still make plans to hang out.

Ultimately you do need quiet time at home after baby is born to establish BF but after that, just see how you feel, you might be more relaxed about it. If not, use a muslin to cover or separate room. But I wouldn't be getting upset at DH making plans, he seems excited which is a good thing. The best bit about having a baby is you can easily cancel closer to the time if you're not feeling it but ultimately right now it does sound like you're overthinking it all and being a tad unreasonable.

BF takes up A LOT of time, don't go making your life harder for yourself! If you don't want to see anyone, you might start to feel lonely after a while. And having a baby is already a killer for the social life, so I certainly wouldn't want to let breastfeeding get in the way even more.

Congratulations!

To be honest, if you took the baby out of the equation then it would just be really irritating that your DH is making plans that involve you without asking first. It's pretty rude!

As PPs have said, just take it week by week and see what you feel up to at the different stages of babyhood.

I used a big whitish (white with some pattern, light is better in the warm weather) cloth with 2 pegs holding to my clothes at the shoulders. It gives total privacy!! (Did it in public in a very conservative country, so sometimes I would tuck one of the bottom ends in my back pocket if needed)

The first few weeks it's nice to stay at home and chill with baby but afterwards you may want to get out of the house 🙂 you shouldn't let breastfeeding discourage you

Are you just going to stay at home for the next year or two? That sounds really depressing.

As others have said if you are not comfortable breastfeeding in front of others you can go to a private room.

It is completely unreasonable not to expect family to want to bond with your baby too. And very unfair on your child not to facilitate those relationships forming.

Nothing wrong with baby being 'shown love' but there are practical reasons why some visits/events could be disruptive, especially in the days and weeks after birth.

The amount of times I have gone to feed DC and a relative has said 'let me hold him first' - I've got a lot better at saying no, but in the (critical) first few weeks I was worried it would come across that I was withholding DC, especially during the seemingly never ending cluster feeding stage, so I caved. DC was pretty much attached to my boob from 6pm onwards at the beginning, so I'm not sure how visits/events that coincided with that would not have been disruptive to establishing BF.

I have also suffered painful engorgement as a result of DC having more bottles than I would have wanted to fit around extended family visits where we were constantly out and about and I wasn't comfortable BF. This took a few days to correct itself.

He is excited which is understandable. But it is up to you to define how and where your body is on display. Breastfeeding is wonderful and I found I was comfortable in some situations and not in others. It could even depend where the table was in the restaurant or who else was in the house. Some people stare, some don’t. It is impossible to decide until the event itself. So just explain that whatever or wherever you go you need to have control over your body/boobs and it will be up to you where you feed. Have plans like the car nearby so you can pop out and sit in the back and feed if you are not comfortable in the restaurant, etc. but your DH needs to understand it will be led by you.

To clarify though, I am not suggesting PP become a hermit. Just that DH winds himself in a bit before making lots of plans that involve the baby in the days and weeks after birth. I think he might be in for a bit of a shock when they arrive...

No, I'm saying a baby being "shown love" by its wider family doesn't have to happen at "events" and, to be honest, it's not even nearly as important to a very young baby as being able to get on with things with its mother without anyone else getting in the way.

Fully agree with you. You're the one that needs to be comfortable. You need to make sure your DH supports you on this

So you're planning to just stay at home as long as you're breastfeeding? You'll make yourself unwell.

Firstly, theyre just excited OP , let them dream away about Christmas
Secondly, youll go nowhere for weeks when you're exclusively breast feeding lol.
Thirdly, if you do manage to get out the door- there are plenty of privacy rooms in places now, some are lovely, some are just a chair!
Forth: you think you wont, but youll get used to being outside and feeding - at first i was there, with the nursing tops and muslins trying to protect my modesty- now my boobs are out all over the place whilst my DC has a look about before going for a snack.
you can express milk prior, get baby used to taking a bottle from birth! Itll give you a break when uou need it and dont discount combi feeding!!
my MIL is still uncomfortable with me feeding 15 months on LOL but i just ignore it , cos its her , not me.

try and not worry about everyone before youve even started. And yes, youlp find yourself putting your foot down a lot to even the nicest DGPs

You literally responsed 'this is rubbish' to a PP who had said 'a breastfeeding relationship can be disrupted by constantly going out to events and passing baby around' and you also said 'of course a breastfeeding relationship cannot be disrupted by a baby being shown love from its wider family and being at events.'

Yanbu. Especially in the early days, lie low and keep guest visits very short.
See how you go once you are in a good routine and your baby is older.

@Calphurnia88
Wrong poster! I didn't say that.

You are massively overthinking this. Just take yourself to a discrete corner when feeding, or another room, if it bothers you.

Ironically I only have one friend who I ever saw expose her breasts, and she was very reserved about it. She had a weird huge shawl contraception thing. Cue massive struggles to get this thing to fit/work, with an agitated baby wriggling in one hand, this cover thing ended up wrapped round her head, breasts on display for all in the cafe 🤪

Just relax, it will be fine.

Please don't stress OP. I also hated bf in front of others, with both my children, I never got used to it.
I would cover myself in a Muslin or two and my babies, I'd also face the wall if out or take myself off to a quiet place like nursery or my room if they wanted feeding when people visited. Let your DH know it's not ok for anyone to follow you as well, as you need quiet time.
You may possibly get used to it, but if you don't, don't allow it to shut down your socialisation as maternity leave can be quite depressing at times, just find ways to do things comfortably
Be confident to tell people you're feeding in peace if they come into the room, but get DH to be very proactive too
Good luck and enjoy your baby when they arrive

Honestly, I think you're overthinking it and you just need to wait till the baby is here. Personally, once baby was here and we had BFing established, I had no problems doing it anywhere. No one actually cares about your boobs, as strange as that may seem when it feels like you're just getting them out in public. No one ever gave me a second look when feeding DD in myriad places such as the supermarket, park bench, cafes and restaurants, library. In fact a couple of times I was just brought a glass of water without asking.

Limiting your social affairs purely because of breastfeeding will make your world very small. I loved being out and about when DD was tiny. I did a lot of going to cafes or other places so we could get out of the house, I could have a hot drink and chat with friends, etc. I think before the baby arrives you can build things up into being these massive issues, but in reality, once baby arrived I was keen for her to meet people, for loved family members to get a chance to see her and hold her because it made them so happy. Seeing my granny holding my DD, her first great-grandchild, was a lovely moment. She is 90 and her only comment when I was feeding DD in front of her was 'Ooh yes I breastfed all of mine, so convenient!'

It sounds like your husband is really excited about the baby arriving and wants to share that with his loved ones. It's fine to say when you don't want to do things and to not want to always be here there and everywhere, but a blanket 'I'm not doing this because breastfeeding' is a bit short-sighted. For me, the intensive part of establishing breastfeeding was a few weeks. After that, it wasn't for hours and hours a day, it didn't involve me waving boobs around, and DD just latched on quickly, fed, and was done without anyone else really noticing or caring.

I don't blame you OP. I was never into exhibition breastfeeding either. In the end I went back to work after 12 weeks so it sorted itself out. The other two were formula-fed from the outset and they all grew up to be happy and healthy kids.

If hubby is so keen to plan "your season " I would take a bottle with you and let him do the honours - and while he's playing happy families he can change junior's nappy at the same time. Win-win.