DS21 threatened DD18

[Safarigiraffe]

Today when me/husband were at work DS was in the bathroom & DD had just got ready to leave to go to college. DD knocked on bathroom door & asked my son to hurry up as she was on a tight schedule to get the bus to leave, DS said to her no you have to wait and DD became agitated and started shouting at him to hurry up.
DS then came out the bathroom shoving daughter back in the stomach hard shouting/swearing & intimidating her so DD at this point was very visibly upset & shaking as it wasn’t like my son to react on this way and went to the bathroom to which DS then pushed the door open again shouting/swearing in her face.
DD was at college crying on/off all day, now we have spoken to DD & to DD saying this must never happen again, DS is refusing to apologise & DD never wants to speak to him ever again saying she now feels uncomfortable to be in the house with him however we both work and can’t take time off. (DD is at college DS at Uni)
Can anyone advise of the best way forward here
Many thanks to everyone

Doesn't make sense to me. She wanted to go to college so why would you go in the bathroom and shut the door, she's have to come out at some point. If she wanted to get away from him it would be better to forget the bathroom and leave.

I can't for the life of me see what your switcheroo changes about the situation @Bubblesandsqueak1

Especially when you go to great lengths to omit words that OP used - about her own precious "he's not like this, he's a nice boy really" son -
threatened
intimidating
shouting
swearing
pushing
refusing to back off
refusing to apologise
telling his parents "it's sorted" like it's up to him to decide

Doesn't make sense to me. She wanted to go to college so why would you go in the bathroom and shut the door, she's have to come out at some point. If she wanted to get away from him it would be better to forget the bathroom and leave.

Because the desire to go to college was outweighed in that moment by her desire to get away from the angry man, preferably with a door between them.

Are you this obtuse in real life, or are you just doing it for effect here, as a tease?

Yes that is what she is telling mum but although her mum says she was visibly upset the mum wasn't there.

He may have done it all just as his sister says or she may be leaving bits out or putting bits in. The point is we don't know but some people on here are happy to be judge, jury and executioner. Reading this I can understand the Salem Witch Trials now.

I think some people are definitely being deliberately obtuse...unless there are a lot more really dumb people in the world than I had thought.

Well aren't you delightful and so open minded. If she was afraid of him the obvious thing to do is leave not trap yourself in a room with only one way out.

I'm pointing out you have a secondhand account from someone who wasn't there and yet you know exactly what was going on.

I think there are alot of people who are ready to jump to conclusions based on very little. Hope you're never on a jury, you won't need to hear all the evidence will you.

@kettrickensmiled they were the dd and ops words and alot of the dd story does not 100% add up if she needed something from the bathroom she could have asked he to pass it out she didn't need to act like a toddler he also shoved her once and she was probably also swearing and shouting at him unfortunately musket 90% think that women do no wrong and its always the males fault, and would you apologise to someone if you are still mad at them also the parents he said it was sorted well they took her side straight away so yeah he wasn't want to talk to them either what the op should have done is asked him what happened instead she accused taking dd side

Could you not understand the Salem Witch Trials BEFORE BathroomGate, @ancientgran?

thankyouforyourstreamofconsciousnessbubblesandsqueak1Iwillaccordittheattentionitdeserves

It's not OK to hit our at someone because they are shouting and swearing at you.

I cannot tell you how many times someone has done that to me but I never felt the need to shove, hit or otherwise touch them.

I may have sworn back, told them to shut up etc but not assaulted them.

The test is would a police officer arrest you and charge you with an offence solely based on you shouting (non discriminatory of course).

No, they'd warn you and get you moving.

Would they arrest and charge you for shoving someone hard? I expect so!

Because it's a sibling has no barring. Those that say there is no power imbalance because they are siblings - hello, he's a male and he's older - of course there is.

Id have much more sympathy for this girls brother if he sincerely apologised and agreed he may need to seek help for his temper. If he did this I feel a stern talking to would be enough at this stage.

But he's not acknowledging what he has done and he's not apologising. He's disrespecting his parents as well now as he's shutting down communication. This is what would make it tip it for me for wanting him to move out as he clearly doesn't care.

Evening If I felt I wasn't in the wrong, if I had made someone feel so frightened of me and sad you bet I'd apologise!

Id investigate into whether he is taking drugs if his behaviour is normally completely unlike this. But if he won't seek help and admit to what he's done you need to put the more vulnerable person first, which is your daughter, OP. .

@ancientgran

Doesn't make sense to me. She wanted to go to college so why would you go in the bathroom and shut the door, she's have to come out at some point. If she wanted to get away from him it would be better to forget the bathroom and leave.

Makes perfect sense to me. If a man has shoved me and is literally shouting and swearing in my face I would want to get away from him as quickly as possible, for example jumping into the bathroom and locking the door.

Unfortunately for OP's DD, her brother managed to open the door again and continue shouting and swearing in her face.

Amazing you think everyone would think clearly when faced with an aggressive man bigger and stronger than them squaring up to them, especially if them doing so is a shock.

They need it making very very clear that they cant act like that. They need to understand how to not react when angry.
Most people I know with older teenage or young adult children, especially boys have had to deal with aggression (if theyll admit to it), and anger is something many young people need to learn how to manage appropriately. They dont get booted out of home the first time it happens. Yes its distressing.
I was bullied by my brother and we are NC now. Its not ok, but we deal with the hand we are dealt. If your child gets pissed off and aggressive one day, you work out how to get it through to them. You dont just abandon them. Theyre still your kid. It sounds like somethings going on for him, but that is absolutely not the right way to deal with someone annoying you, because as people say, in any other situation he would probably be dealt with by the police and possibly have a record.
Families who say theyd kick their kid out at first incident of aggression, I think probably wouldnt in reality, and if they did, then i think thats a cop out.
If the other family members are genuinely in danger, then thats another matter

My brother is aggressive too, the first time he slammed a door into me (after screaming at me), I called the police (despite my mum begging me not to). Like a coward, he left the house.

The police were really good and took it seriously. I decided not to take it further but it scared my brother the fucker and he never pulled that stunt again.

Always call the police in the face of aggressive behaviour.

Agree with all PPs saying this man’s behaviour is appalling.

If you’re serious about impressing on him how totally wrong this is then you have to really mean it. He has to know it’s totally unacceptable. His “it’s sorted” attitude is disgusting and suggests he is really comfortable and confident that there won’t be any consequences. Shame on him.

Well this thread has been quite eye opening in terms of seeing how many people are so eager to minimise violent behaviour when it suits them. It explains quite a lot!

Why is this even important?

In at least two houses ive lived in I had to close the bathroom door to get into the bathroom cabinet, simply because of the room layout

So, even ignoring the fact that most people would want a barrier between them and someone who just got aggressive with them, she might not have had a choice

Claiming this means her story doesnt add up when you dont know the room layout etc is clutching at straws to victim blame

It has truly been eye opening to read the sub culture of idiocy that happily defends, questions, and explains away any thread that involves males violence on MN.

I have no doubt some are males posting, but it is very clear that there are many women for which a slap here or there isn't the end of the world, and those that are appalled by this are somehow "up themselves".

Well done you.👏👏👏

That is exactly what should be done with thugs.

Puts manners on them and makes them think twice.

Mothers allowing their daughters be assaulted or bullied by male siblings are utter scum and deserve everything coming to them in the future, as their daughters mature and gain perspective.

Would you advise your daughter to kick a boyfriend out if he assaulted her like that?

Stop making excuses for him! He's abusive!

@blueshoes oh get over yourself. If you even read what I wrote I strictly condemned the son's behaviour and told OP to send her daughter to live with close relatives till he is sorted via professional intervention. I also mentioned that if her DD only shouted 'get out, hurry up etc' then she is totally not to blame. The account of the scenario came from her DD. If I swore at my bro I wouldn't really admit it to my mother. So the advice here was to talk to both children to specify the events. Stop getting your panties in a twist.

But it’s not ‘all sorted’ is it?

he hasn’t and is refusing to apologise or really discuss his over reaction.

even if she was rushing or annoying him his reaction was unacceptable.

will he do that to future partners. Would he do it to his mother.

bet he wouldn’t do it to his dad…

The possibility of him doing drugs in the bathroom whilst she was interrupting him does sound feasible. That or he’s an aggressive dickhead with women?

This has been my experience as the female in the house subject to aggressive male behaviour. It stopped it in its tracks and he never tried it again. We have a good relationship now.

Your son was bang out of order but your daughter does need to know, if someone is in the bathroom and they’re using that space, and have told you to wait that is the end of the story,
you don’t get to get aggy about that. It’s part and parcel of sharing a home

your son was a massive twat, and needs repercussions but important to address bathroom entitlement as a separate issue

cinnammon1991: Stop getting your panties in a twist.

Panties Love it