Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

The person who should be providing cuppas and handholds and cooing over first steps is Jenny’s DH and that’s the problem here.

He does. In abundance.

Has Jenny expressed how alone and hurt she is to her husband and if so what is he able to do to alleviate her unhappiness?

No, it doesn’t seem fair, even with the distance.

my experience is that even if the distances are the same, one sibling often gets favored in these situations.

Jenny lives 2 hours away from parents in Laura lives one hour away. Speaking as a 70 year old, I would be prepared to do the one hour journey for childcare but not the two hour. Nothing to do with favouritism BB it everything to do with my own energy levels. If we are talking of fairness I don't think it's fair to expect elderly parents to take on childcare which they feel is beyond them

OP, since you’ve stated you are neither sibling, but are part of a family WhatsApp group ,, do YOU help your “siblings” with childcare?

@CanofCant

He hugs her. Wipes away her tears. Tells her he knows it's shit and he wishes he could change it for her. Tries to distract her with planning nice things to do as a family on his days off. That sort of thing.

That is pretty regular.
Are you saying they never come up to stay with Jenny?

Jenny needs to say “Please could you come to stay on X weekend? DP is away and I’d love to see you all and to get a bit of company.”

Cross posted. Ok so Jenny feels upset and jealous that she's left out of the loop so to speak. That sounds really normal tbh but unless she can move back closer to home there's not much to be done about it. I expect her parents love it when she visits but are tired themselves and trying their best to fit everything in at home.

Could Jenny ask to reduce to four days a week from FT so she at least has some time to call her own and either just rest or go for a swim or meet friends for coffee or whatever. But just so it's not so full on for her, this could also help her PND.

4 hours round trip is a monster commute for daily childcare - not realistic. Could she invite them to stay overnight but actually get a date in the diary, not just "door is always open"?

Or if she can, drive and meet them half way for a day out / meal on a regular basis with the children.

We live 3 hours (or 5 hours) drive from both sets of parents. So it's a much more remote relationship. Whereas both of us have siblings who live in same place and get much more parental support and free childcare.
It just is what it is on that.
Jenny has just got to make peace with the fact it's too far for the odd cup of tea and relationships can't be so carefree. Which is a shame. I agree, I would rather have more regular visits for shorter times than the intense longer visits infrequently too. But short of moving, which Jenny doesn't want to do for good reasons, she has to accept that.

Just it make it clear that Jenny is absolutely not expecting daily childcare! Goodness me that's insane.

Just the occasional weekend visit when DH is working. That sort of thing. Just more regular than ...... well, never.

What do you want @curlywurlyfairy
-the grandparents to travel down several times a week after work to have a coffee/chat with Jenny
-the grandparents to chase offering support to Laura unless they can offer the same to Jenny?
Does you/Jenny think childcare is OK to be provided from her parents as long as its her that gets it?

Ahh are you Jennys DP?

Well that's good. Do you think it's a case of Jenny being homesick and feeling lonely after having a baby. I do get it, you've articulated it really well and I've felt that way myself sometimes (quite irrationally because I live fairly close to my extended family). I just think that it's an inevitable occurrence and it's something that will hopefully subside eventually when she is feeling stronger. What prompted the move?

While he's doing all the hugging and tear wiping likely disparaging remarks about her family, what does he say about his family in this?

It sounds miserable for Jenny and I would say the distance is the problem. 1hr is a leisurely drive. 2 hours each way is a tiring day trip. That said, I am not sure why Jenny is driving up to the parents for visits. They should go to Jenny as Jenny is already fucked with time/help. Whilst I would not expect routine help in Jenny’s position, I would expect them to go maybe once/twice a month and help her. She is clearly suffering and they need to help as occasional day trips IMO. I wouldn’t see one of my children suffering like that, I’d go an visit and take anything I could.

OP hasn't stated this. Re-read that post.

As many posters have pointed out, Jenny should be more direct with her parents and ask them for the help she needs. She needs to ask someone as it appears, from the OP's uncanny knowledge of her, that she is not in a great place at all.

I used to do that commute for work. It was insane!

I thought you said upthread DPs have seen baby 5 times in 12 months? That is a long way from never. It seems fairly regular and reasonable to me, to be honest?

Is it Jenny's perceptions that actually need addressing here?

He doesn't get on very well with them - for extremely good reasons.

And perhaps Jenny should stop bothering to send the family videos. Sweet videos imply Jenny is fine and happy.

Jenny feels jealous of her sister and emotionally it pains her that her life choices mean she’s not close to her family.

Jenny needs to proactively ask her parents to stay a weekend every 6 weeks or so, and plan to go and see them every 6 weeks or so.

In the meantime, Jenny needs to decide if the ultimate happiness of her family unit is best served by moving everyone closer to her family, or coming to terms with living away from them.

The parents/grandparents do not appear to be unsupportive. It appears to be Jenny’s perception, exacerbated by PND and a partner who is giving lip service to the changes required of him with being an equal parent.

3 under three sounds pretty brutal regardless of good mental health but I suspect distance is the biggest issue.

I thought you said upthread DPs have seen baby 5 times in 12 months? That is a long way from never. It seems fairly regular and reasonable to me, to be honest?

Yes this is correct. All of these visits have happened because Jenny arranged it and travelled to them.

Point taken, perhaps you're right. She is just desperate to share with them due to loneliness.

What's the good reason Jenny's parents don't get on with her husband? And did it prompt the move?