Page 8 | Help please - is this "fair"?

curlywurlyfairy · 2022-05-25T20:21:18+00:00

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is. Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus: Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC. Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC. Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you? Any thoughts appreciated.

steff13 · 25/05/2022 23:09

If the partner's job is shift work and that's what it was when they decided to have a child(ren) I don't see that it's necessarily his issue to solve. What if he's a doctor or EMT? Finding another job won't resolve that issue. It sounds like he's hands-on when he's there. Could Jenny hire a teen to watch the 1-year-old for a couple of hours a week to give Jenny a break?

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 23:09

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:07

How is that relevant?

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Because perhaps Jenny was a single parent first time around but now she is with her husband her parents assume he is sharing the load?

I don't know OP, we're working with what we have here.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:11

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:07

How is that relevant?

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I think because it seems like Jenny’s partner is just allowing his life to go on as it did before, when there was only 1 older child in the mix. If he’s a first-time father, to this baby, but Jenny’s a second-time mother, the status quo has always (presumably) been that Jenny does it all. And might explain also why the in-laws don’t help out with grandchildren…

Butchyrestingface · 25/05/2022 23:12

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:05

There is no third sibling.

There absolutely is.

Maybe the third sibling could do the heavy lifting to support Jenny then? 🙂

Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2022 23:12

I think that Jenny is clearly feeling hard done by and is directing that feeling towards her parents rather than her dh and pils, which seems rather unfair.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/05/2022 23:13

Read the thread @MasterBeth

Original poster

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:13

Using "childcare" was probably (again) the wrong choice of word.

What upsets Jenny most it the sense of family "missing out on" her DC (particularly the youngest) growing up. She yearns to share that with her family more often. She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up.

She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard. She's lonely and isolated and desperate to share her baby with someone - especially those who are supposed to care and show an interest.

OP posts:

Nancydrawn · 25/05/2022 23:14

If you're the third sibling, OP, could you step in to help?

I'd also imagine that if your sister's children have different fathers, she might also be particularly concerned about uprooting the elder, who has already dealt with a separation, stepfather, new baby sibling, and a mother suffering from poor mental health—clarifying why she's especially reluctant to move schools/cause more disruption.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 23:15

It doesn't bother me which one of these people you are Jenny, what bothers me is that the baby has a whole family on its mother's side and a whole family on its fathers side, and only the mothers side seem to be getting any shit.

The father isn't helping fix the problem, the fathers parents are not helping, but let's just lay all of this at Jennys folks door, who have already raised their kids and are ankle deep in shitty nappies at their other daughters house.

stayathomer · 25/05/2022 23:16

I hope things pick up for you op. I agree with the majority here on the travel and ages of children and would add that your sister may have asked for help/shown herself to be struggling more. In our house my sister is seen as the strongest and able to cope with anything and is driven mad by the narrative of ‘poor stay at homer’ which came when I finished work and then when I went back even though she works is stressful physical job and has health issues!! Maybe they think you’re the strong one. Either way, I hope you figure out a way to make things easier for you

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:17

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:13

Using "childcare" was probably (again) the wrong choice of word.

What upsets Jenny most it the sense of family "missing out on" her DC (particularly the youngest) growing up. She yearns to share that with her family more often. She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up.

She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard. She's lonely and isolated and desperate to share her baby with someone - especially those who are supposed to care and show an interest.

But she lives a 2-hour drive away. Jenny has chosen to have a second child two hours away from that sort of on-hand family support. It’s not unreasonable to yearn for it but it’s unreasonable to not understand it’s not possible due to where she’s chosen to live.

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 23:17

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:13

Using "childcare" was probably (again) the wrong choice of word.

What upsets Jenny most it the sense of family "missing out on" her DC (particularly the youngest) growing up. She yearns to share that with her family more often. She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up.

She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard. She's lonely and isolated and desperate to share her baby with someone - especially those who are supposed to care and show an interest.

Well yes that does sound shit but it's what happens when you move away. Could Jenny pack up her youngest and visit her parents? Her husband could look after their eldest?

Bentoforthehorde · 25/05/2022 23:18

Struggling is struggling, so from a mental health perspective it doesn't really matter how many kids there are. And I say this as a mother who manages 4 (no family childcare), with a sibling who struggles with 1 (lots of family childcare).

I am the closest sibling, 10 minute drive or less, but only get emergency childcare and even that is unpredictable.

It's a bit shit, mostly because they pretend to others that they are heavily involved, but they don't owe me anything.

You can't just 'pop in for a chat' with someone 2 hours away as if it was just down the street.

I think Jenny needs to have a think about why she expects her parents to feel a responsibility to help when she doesn't expect her husband to. Making her sole carer for the kids evenings and weekends is not supportive.

Mally100 · 25/05/2022 23:18

Jenny can do all the wishing she wants , it doesn't change the fact that she is still a 4h round trip. Ridiculous that she wishes for someone to walk through the door to watch baby steps, after doing such a journey. And that's supposed to be in between helping out with their other 3 kids! Feel sorry for the GPS Herr. Why are you not helping out. If Jenny needs support then she needs to expect that from her dh first not the GPS.

TrashyPanda · 25/05/2022 23:19

Are the GP retired or are they still working?

either way, you have a lot less stamina at their age, and the thought of doing a 2 hour drive in the evening and then another 2 hour drive home again is a big ask.

why doesn’t Jenny go to visit her parents and stay over - that way the family can see her kids? Especially if her DH is working weekends.

if the only thing preventing Jenny from moving closer to her family is her son moving school - this is something loads of kids do all the time. My own DD was at 2 different primary schools and 3 different high schools. This is a positive step she can make and it is more than a bit unreasonable not to do this to improve things for the whole family. Evening visits from her tired parents are not the solution.

Original poster

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:19

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 23:15

It doesn't bother me which one of these people you are Jenny, what bothers me is that the baby has a whole family on its mother's side and a whole family on its fathers side, and only the mothers side seem to be getting any shit.

The father isn't helping fix the problem, the fathers parents are not helping, but let's just lay all of this at Jennys folks door, who have already raised their kids and are ankle deep in shitty nappies at their other daughters house.

Jenny isn't emotionally attached to her PILs in any way shape or form. She has literally zero relationship with them.

She is emotionally affected by the seeming lack of interest by her own family because, well, she is very closely emotionally attached to them. So it hurts.

No-one is "laying" anything at anyone's door. Jenny does not think badly of either of her siblings or her parents, she loves them dearly.

She is just very alone. And hurting.

OP posts:

coffeecupsandfairylights · 25/05/2022 23:20

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:13

Using "childcare" was probably (again) the wrong choice of word.

What upsets Jenny most it the sense of family "missing out on" her DC (particularly the youngest) growing up. She yearns to share that with her family more often. She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up.

She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard. She's lonely and isolated and desperate to share her baby with someone - especially those who are supposed to care and show an interest.

That's what happens when you choose to live a four hour round trip away from your family though 🤷🏻‍♀️

stayathomer · 25/05/2022 23:20

Apologies just read all the thread

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 23:20

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:57

And is this same offer being given and expected of the dh parents?

@MichelleScarn what offer? I'm not sure what you mean here sorry.

The invitation to stay over and provide childcare. Jenny has invited them numerous times and they are aware that the invitation is generally open.

Hatinafield · 25/05/2022 23:20

I’m a bit baffled. You chose to live two hours away from them all. You work full time, so your baby is looked after during the days. Do you honestly expect them to drive four hours in a regular basis to help with one small child’s bed and bathtime?

If you lived nearby and this was the situation then yes, it would be unfair (although three under 3 still massively harder than 1!) . As it is, it’s just circumstance.

Original poster

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:20

why doesn’t Jenny go to visit her parents and stay over - that way the family can see her kids?

She has done this 5 times since baby's birth. Baby is 12 months old.

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SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2022 23:21

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:13

Using "childcare" was probably (again) the wrong choice of word.

What upsets Jenny most it the sense of family "missing out on" her DC (particularly the youngest) growing up. She yearns to share that with her family more often. She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up.

She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard. She's lonely and isolated and desperate to share her baby with someone - especially those who are supposed to care and show an interest.

But she lives two hours away. So no one is going to do a four hour round trip, to arrive after work time, for a cuppa. Its shit but its life.

However, so they show her support through any other means? When she posts about the 1 yo do they ooh and ahh, or do they post about how nice it was taking the twins to the zoo?

I think 8 month old twins are so OBVIOUSLY hard (they still are at two too!!) that it's clear she needs help. And mat leave means she's available all day not just after 6 pm.

Has she explicitly said "Davies away again this weekend, I'm really not looking forward to another weekend alone with the kids. Is there any chance you'd come and stay with us Mom and Dad?

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 23:22

What's Jenny's plan of action?

SalmonEile · 25/05/2022 23:23

The person who should be providing cuppas and handholds and cooing over first steps is Jenny’s DH and that’s the problem here.
it’s hard, it really is , when my first was born everyone around me had their own thing going on and it was only me who cared about all the things my baby did
if there is a third sibling and they’re concerned for Jenny then I hope they dig deep and help her out if they can

Original poster

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:24

When she posts about the 1 yo do they ooh and ahh, or do they post about how nice it was taking the twins to the zoo?

Bit of both.

OP posts: