Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

I don't think 'fair' comes into it, life is not fair, the situation is as it is, some people get physically or mentally ill, some people seem to sail through life healthy, with plenty of money and support. Only Jenny and her partner can change, what it is possible to change. Her parents don't sound unkind and if they were, you can't change other people. If there is another sibling, then he or she could help in a practical way, instead of standing on the sidelines posting to mumsnet.

You sound lovely

I’m genuinely sorry you feel shit I’ve previously lived a long distance from family and I know it’s tough.

However, at this point you need to stop denying being “Jenny”, Jenny might not be your name but you are this person in the scenario, unless Jenny writes on this famous family WhatsApp about her DP “wiping away her tears” 😂😂. It is turning what could be a normal post into one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen on MN…and before you say you wish to remain anonymous…it’s MN therefore it’s still anonymous

@curlywurlyfairy

"She has done this 5 times since baby's birth. Baby is 12 months old."

That is fairly regular tbh...

Jenny clearly has fantastic support in you given how indepth you are aware of her thoughts and feelings, relationship with her husband and his with his family. How often do you meet?

Jenny's parents do get on very well with her husband.

It is Jenny's husband who does not get on with his own parents, for good reasons.

Jenny and Laura chose to have dc, neither of them are entitled to gp care.

And if you are one of them, have the grace to just say it

If you're not, then butt out

Jenny could maybe work on building a good of supportive people around her where she lives, not just other mum's but maybe something for herself.
Her parents aren't able for whatever reason to fill that gap.

What do Jenny and Laura’s parents think?
DH and I have raised DS without any family support whilst other family members have had their arses wiped! So I hear you.

Does Jenny have a social support network?

Then she gets a weekend away and is presumably cooked for rather than hosting?

Does she not like driving?

Sorry I can't see why that is problematic really?

I really need an edit button.
Building a network of good friends.

Are the GPs retired or are they still working?

jenny can take practical steps to improve her situation.
first would be visiting more regularly. 5 visits in a year isn’t very often. If her DH works weekends, why doesn’t she go there for the day every couple of weeks?

moving is the biggest one. You said she is refusing because of schools. But that’s being a martyr. It would improve things for the whole family.

Does she not like driving?

No, long distances with the baby cause significant anxiety as part of her postnatal illness but she does it regardless because she wants her family around her.

Thank you all for your input.

I will be signing off now.

Why doesn’t Jenny admit that Jenny is writing the thread about Jenny? It would make it clearer to follow and you’d probably get more supportive responses.

It sounds tough. And the parental injustice you feel, Jenny feels, is a bitter pill to swallow, especially when you’re struggling.

But she chose to move, what's in the area they live in that's immovable from? Not dh job as he works away from home(?), no support network.
All of this misery and drama for dc1 school?

And there you have it, the real reason they don’t offer is because Jenny had the audacity to move away. Does Jenny do all of the facilitating re:visits to see them and them not reciprocating. I can understand the parents not wanting to make afour hour round trip for daily or even twice weekly childcare, it is a big commitment but they could make an effort once a month to visit Jenny.

It sounds a very tricky situation @curlywurlyfairy - I'm not sure there are any easy solutions. I hope Jenny finds a way to communicate with her parents and they are willing to come and visit her more frequently.

I’m guessing the GPs still work, as Jenny is avoiding that question.

a “long distance” is too for Jenny, but it’s fine for her parents to drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back?

Because anonymous posters on the internet can be absolute cunts.

And they will bend over backwards to find a way to make it so that whoever is the writer of the thread is in the wrong and is fair game for piss taking and personal insults.

As I said, signing off.

Thanks again.

I’m guessing the GPs still work,

One works. One retired.

Life ain't fair. It's a bitch. Offer cake for them to come help with the kids.... maybe she has cake.....

Because anonymous posters on the internet can be absolute cunts.

Oh behave!! If the posters were all saying,

"Fuck me, these parents are shit and Laura is a greedy support stealing twat, POOR Jenny, no-one has had it harder than her."

You'd still be calling people cunts?

Sincerely, I think this post illustrates your wider problem with communication - with your parents, with your husband, with your sister - that fills this thread. Your attempted pseudonym is making no difference to how you are perceived - it's obvious who you are - but is building a barrier between you and your problem. If you can't speak plainly and directly on an anonymous forum, how can you possibly communicate your needs and fears in the real world?

I don’t get the impression the parents are being intentionally unfair, or that they favor one daughter over the other. I really do think it’s just distance.

I think Jenny may just need to say “I really need you to come visit me. I’m just lonely and struggling and a few days or even one would mean the world to me. This is harder than I thought it would be and I need parents.”

I would try not to think about it in terms of what they do with Laura, too. That’s not the point; Jenny just needs them.