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Original poster

Help please - is this "fair"?

331 replies

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:21

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 22:49

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:41

If Jenny talks to her parents in as oblique a way as she posts on Mumsnet, then it's probably no surprise that she doesn't understand why her parents treat her and her sister differently.

I don't know anyone who posts on mumsnet in the same way they talk to their family. What an odd comment.

You are Jenny, right? You haven't said you're not Jenny. You have implied that maybe Jenny has a third sibling who could be you, but you haven't said that directly. You frame lots of your answers in odd ways. You don't write clearly and directly and you explain that Jenny hasn't talked directly to her parents.

Am I wrong?

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 22:50

Cross posted Paternal GPs have declined to help. why is it ok for them?

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 22:52

OP, OP, OP, do you have children? Could you go over and help?

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 22:54

Also you never answered PP's question of whether 'Jenny's' elder child was from a previous relationship. I'm trying to work out if you are my sister.

Changechangychange · 25/05/2022 22:54

If Jenny’s youngest is now 1 and Jenny is back at work, presumably the child is in FT nursery. What exactly does Jenny want the grandparents to help with?

I’m not being snarky, but it would probably help Jenny if she was more explicit about what she wanted from her parents. “Can you come up and stay for the weekend and take the kids out so I can have a break/get some housework done in peace?” Or “can you come up and go for coffee with me while DH takes the kids, so I can have a child-free afternoon?”

Just asking for “help” is vague enough that it’s easy to decline. A specific request is easier to say yes to.

KimikosNightmare · 25/05/2022 22:56

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:21

Jenny needs to move closer.

She has considered this but it would involve uprooting her eldest who is settled in their secondary school. She feels this is unfair to her eldest.

It's unfair to the grandparents. Why does Jenny assume she has a right to expect childcare from them?.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:57

And is this same offer being given and expected of the dh parents?

@MichelleScarn what offer? I'm not sure what you mean here sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:59

If Jenny’s youngest is now 1 and Jenny is back at work, presumably the child is in FT nursery. What exactly does Jenny want the grandparents to help with?

It's not the day time when she's at work when she struggles. Her partner works weekends, evenings, and night shifts so there's a lot of times she's alone then trying to manage and it gets on top of her sometimes.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 23:00

Why don't you fulfill this "noticing" role if you are not Jenny?

Fearitcatches · 25/05/2022 23:02

3 children, 3 and under is a lot. Very, very hard to compare to 1 baby and a near teenager in terms of the practical tasks required. The mental load is, of course, much harder to judge.

The distance undoubtedly compounds it. I would hope your mum and dad ring and listen and offer emotional support and would respond positively if you asked them to come and help for a few days if you needed them. But I don’t think the situation is unfair (though I’m sure it might feel that way through when everything is weighing on you) it just reflects the reality of where they live for the most part.

i would also be interested in whether your sister feels as supported as you say she is. Because with 3, 3 and under, she may well feel she is just not drowning most days.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/05/2022 23:02

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:59

If Jenny’s youngest is now 1 and Jenny is back at work, presumably the child is in FT nursery. What exactly does Jenny want the grandparents to help with?

It's not the day time when she's at work when she struggles. Her partner works weekends, evenings, and night shifts so there's a lot of times she's alone then trying to manage and it gets on top of her sometimes.

Jenny's OH needs to reconsider working times : career. His professional life does not fit in with the needs of his family. He needs to make a change here so he can be there to help during evenings, nights and weekends. THIS is the problem

As an aside, what is the third sibling doing to help?

MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 23:02

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:59

If Jenny’s youngest is now 1 and Jenny is back at work, presumably the child is in FT nursery. What exactly does Jenny want the grandparents to help with?

It's not the day time when she's at work when she struggles. Her partner works weekends, evenings, and night shifts so there's a lot of times she's alone then trying to manage and it gets on top of her sometimes.

Please seek help from your husband and/orGP, Jenny. You sound extremely stressed still after your PND.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:02

@MasterBeth

I haven't said either way who I am and I won't be bullied into doing so. I'm seeking anonymous and unbiased advice and i'm doing so for good reason.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 23:03

lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/05/2022 23:02

Jenny's OH needs to reconsider working times : career. His professional life does not fit in with the needs of his family. He needs to make a change here so he can be there to help during evenings, nights and weekends. THIS is the problem

As an aside, what is the third sibling doing to help?

Show quote history

There is no third sibling.

CanofCant · 25/05/2022 23:03

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:59

If Jenny’s youngest is now 1 and Jenny is back at work, presumably the child is in FT nursery. What exactly does Jenny want the grandparents to help with?

It's not the day time when she's at work when she struggles. Her partner works weekends, evenings, and night shifts so there's a lot of times she's alone then trying to manage and it gets on top of her sometimes.

The distance probably puts them off. Jenny's husband should be the one fixing this, she shouldn't be resenting her parents or talking about them to you, the third sibling. Again, could you not pop over and help in the evenings?

enjoyingscience · 25/05/2022 23:03

Three under three is definitely more in need, and 2 hours is too far away to give regular help.

it’s hard though - we are 5 hours away from any family. Not having a plan B of any kind is incredibly stressful, and no chance of even so much as a cup of coffee out with DH without the the kids. I get it, I really do. BUT - that doesn’t make it fair to feel badly towards my sibling who lives 30 minutes from both sides of his family and gets childcare on tap. We both made our beds, his is just comfier…

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:04

Her partner works weekends, evenings, and night shifts

As with so many things, this is a partner issue, not a parents issue.

Jenny is displacing her frustration and upset at her DP onto her DParents.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:05

There is no third sibling.

There absolutely is.

OP posts:
JurgensCrew · 25/05/2022 23:05

Is it possible the GPs feel guilty about not doing more for Laura's first so they're throwing everything at her second two to 'even things up'?

Has Jenny tried asking GPs to come for a specific weekend rather than generally? e.g.

'I've been feeling really overwhelmed and depressed. DP thinks it would do me good to get away. Could you come and look after the DCs on x weekend or y weekend?'

RosehipSyrupForDinner · 25/05/2022 23:05

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:27

4 hour round trip for regular help from likely fairly old grand parents? It’s not feasible.

They are late 50s/ very early 60s. That's not truly "old", I don't think. But I take your point about distance and feasibility.

We're in that age range and are grandparents. We do childcare once a week with an hour's drive each way. Although we are relatively young, there's no way we would commit to 4 hours' of driving in a day to do childcare, it's just not feasible and I understand why they won't do it.

As for the other sister with 3 small ones including twins, it's her who really needs help. Our neighbour has 1 year old twins and a 3 year old. She never has a minute to herself, I have no idea how she does it. We help her and her DH as much as we can, but it's nothing compared to her workload.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:06

Is Jenny’s DC1 from a different dad?

MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 23:06

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:05

There is no third sibling.

There absolutely is.

But it is not you, is it, Jenny?

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:07

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:06

Is Jenny’s DC1 from a different dad?

How is that relevant?

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:08

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 23:02

@MasterBeth

I haven't said either way who I am and I won't be bullied into doing so. I'm seeking anonymous and unbiased advice and i'm doing so for good reason.

@MasterBeth

Here you go once again.

OP posts:
catfunk · 25/05/2022 23:08

If she is wanting feee childcare she shouldn't have moved a 4 he round trip away for a start. That was her choice.

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