To think that they can’t be annoyed with me over this and should have checked with me first?

[NetflixMom21]

We have just bought a new house and family members who do decorating as a job are doing the renovation work in there.

In one room there is a feature wall and the rest of the walls painted. I said that I wanted a grey paint but because they hadn’t got round to that room yet I hadn’t specified what kind of grey that I wanted - they usually video call me when they are in the shops purchasing the stuff so I can choose what colours I want etc.

So I speak to them yesterday and they said they have started decorating this room and I questioned it because we hadn’t chosen the paint yet and they basically said they had already got the paint - without asking or letting me know. So I ask to see the paint because I didn’t want it too light because in my experience as soon as the kids knock the wall it marks.

They send me a photo of the paint and it’s completely the wrong shade - it looks more white than grey and the reviews on the website state it’s a really light colour too. I explain that the colour is wrong and I wished they had asked me first because now they will have to return it.

They are the ones now annoyed with me and say I’m being too picky and they are annoyed about having to go back to the shop, but my point is this is my house and they shouldn’t have just chosen for me without asking me first.

Who is being unreasonable here?

What is the point of coming online to ask a forum full of people what they think, and then argue with the majority?

@Ihatemyroad oh yes I’m already thinking of paying them something when the work is finished or doing something nice for them if they absolutely won’t accept payment (when I’ve tried paying them for things before - not decorating - they’ve just kept sending the money back to me). So if they don’t accept payment I will buy them something nice or pay for them to have a lovely meal or day out etc

Fucking hell, how do people get so wound up on a thread about paint to resort to personal attacks! Bonkers this place sometimes

Just say that you are so sorry you were unclear, you will pay them back and never would expect them to repaint but you’ll get someone else in

at least that is what I would do

Clearly very close family members that you now be geographically close to

don’t start on a bad note even if you apologise through gritted teeth. See the bigger picture

@Laiste because the thing with a lot of people or mumsnet is the things the say usually are VERY different to what they would say if it happened to them.

for example people who tell every poster to LTB but are probably in unhappy relationships themselves…

and there’s some people on here who just want to pick a fight and name calling etc which is completely uncalled for.

but I feel with these family members they don’t respect people’s boundaries and there’s other things they’ve done - like one of them has a spare house key for emergencies but when they come over they just let themselves in rather than knocking which REALLY irritates me because I could be getting dressed, in my nightwear, on the toilet etc - so to me this just feels like another time when they aren’t respecting boundaries and making decisions for themselves.

It's not up to other people to respect your boundaries.
It's up to you to maintain them.

The first time you allowed this family member to "just let themselves in", you realised that they did not hold the same boundary as you.
The fact that you allowed this to happen a second time is down to YOU, not them. They would have assumed you are fine with it, or they wouldn't have done it again.

You need to use your words - not just get "irritated" - or take your key back.
YOU are the person responsible for ensuring your boundaries are maintained.

@Intrigueddotcom yes to be fair that’s probably what I will do - I think a lot of people on here think I’ve laid into them etc but I really haven’t.

there’s not been no fall out, no harsh words have been said to each other, there’s no malice there etc.

@KettrickenSmiled that is very true. Honestly in RL I’m more of a people pleaser to my friends and family and when someone does something I don’t like I find it really awkward to stand up for myself. I even felt guilty mentioning the colour wasn’t quite right. For example I wouldn’t know how to word it to ask them to knock without causing offence etc, I’m not a person like that

They should have asked you first, in my opinion, but I also think you're in a difficult position here because you're not paying them for the work. It sounds like maybe their expectations of the job and yours aren't quite the same - they're thinking of it as a quick favour for a family member, so they aren't treating it as they would a paid job (which is reasonable) whereas you were expecting them to do things the same way they would for a paying client (which is also reasonable, but you should just set the parameters between you at the start I think).

If the paint is Dulux it's unlikely to be hugely expensive, so perhaps you could offer to just order paint in a new shade online for now, and then they can take the pale shade back another time when they're passing their supplier anyway? Then there's no inconvenience to them. If that's not possible, then you could just let them paint it in the pale shade and then you could just paint over that one wall in a darker shade when you move back in. Painting a single wall is a very quick and easy job.

To be fair though OP, grey is a nightmare colour to choose and you never really know how it will look till it's on the wall. I had grey put in my hallway a few years ago - in the shop it looked grey, in the tin it looked grey, wet on the walls it looked grey....it dried with a purple tint!!

It also looks really different depending on which wall you choose, the light in the room, etc - so you might like it at 9am and think it's shit by 6 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you seen it in real life or just a photo. It might be better irl

@10HailMarys I think you’re right about the expectations about it being like a paid job etc.

to have an easy life that might be the way forward

I agree with every word of this.

I do feel in general though the tone of a thread usually offers a good perspective in weather or not you're BU.

I've had my arse handed to me on here It only happened once. But you know what - folks were right.

Sometimes it's all about the bigger picture.

"Relative, I gave you the key because I trust you & that's really important to me. And I like how you feel at home here, but PLEASE never use your key unless there is an actual emergency. If I am at home it can be very startling to hear someone come in when I don't expect them. It makes it hard for me to relax."

This is your male cousin & uncle, right?
So if you get any bluster or pushback -

"It might seem a small thing to you, but I'm a woman. Try to imagine how frightening it would be if you were a woman, thinking she was safe, when suddenly she sees a male shape looming up in her own home. Obviously it's a huge relief when I realise it's YOU! - but those split seconds of panic are horrible, & mean I don't fully relax for ages afterwards."

To save the peace I’ve told them to just use it on the walls. If I don’t like it I’ll pay for someone else to come in and cover it once they’ve finished the work overall (this is the last bit anyway!)

@KettrickenSmiled that’s a really good way of putting it, thank you!

I do think you need to be a bit more on it when someone is doing you a favour (for reference, we had one large room and our stairwell and hall painted last year and it cost £3k). If you dont want to pay for this service, then you need to make life as easy as possible for the person helping you for free. You must put in more effort than if you were paying.

Your attitude on this thread does come across like you don't get they are doing you a big favour.

Deep breathe. Say sorry say thank you for the work so far, order the correct colour to be delivered.

@MargosKaftan I definitely do realise how much work they’ve done, they’ve been in there pretty much 10-6 everyday for the last 3 weeks. I’ve told them to just use the paint and I’ll pay someone to correct it afterwards if needed, because I don’t want it to turn into an issue

Two things:

1. Don't ask AIBU when you very very clearly don't even slightly think you are.
2. Don't accept massive, time-consuming, expensive favours from people with no boundaries.

@MrsTerryPratchett I’ve explained why I accepted it, and the rest of the house has been absolutely fine, that’s why I was taken aback for them to do this with the last room

They chose a paint you aren't keen on, it's not on the walls, they are whinging about going back to the shop.

I don't see the problem? They haven't used it, just moaning about it. That's ok, they can moan if they want but you still don't want it on your walls.

I think you are going to be surprised with all your rooms if you've been choosing the paint over the phone! I would never do that - I'd get a tester and try it out first. As you are not there, I'd still get a tester and try it out wherever I am. I would never let someone else chose it.
Also if someone was doing the labour for free I'd insist on getting the paint or at least choosing it and having it delivered.
I think your decorator is being unreasonable. But I also think you are too in how this whole colour choosing system you have decided on.

Boundaries joins the list of overused words on MN !

Could you ask them to put a few more layers on to darken it a bit?

Hopefully it will look better in real life.
sadly this is the danger in having family do work for you.