Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD

And so it bloody well should if she has been bullying & he has done fuck all about it!

If the ages were different I would assume this is my DDs team. The dad/coach turns a blind eye to his daughters tantrums and awful behaviour on and off the pitch and let's her speak to any of the players like crap just because she is good (which she absolutely is, her attitude however is not!)

As the parent of a lesbian teenage girl, you need to sort your child the fuck out. The amount of homophobic abuse my child has been subjected to is unbelievable and not something I expected in 2022.

Dont give a crap if your DH is Mr Billy Big Baws with the club, remove your child. Why should the others child have to move?

Give your head a wobble. It’s hate speech and it’s led to several children being excluded at my daughters school.

Your DH doesn’t want to escalate it because of potential issues it might cause for him and your DD?! He shouldn’t be in this position of responsibility in that case! He has a duty of care to all the players, he shouldn’t just be looking out for himself and his own DD!

You mention one of the witnesses is your DD’s best friend but that she doesn’t want to get involved. Sounds to me like your DD has made some comments, and her friend is in the difficult position of having witnessed them and not wanting to lie, but not wanting to make life hard for herself either, it suggests it’s true that your DD has said something.

What’s your relationship with her like? It sounds like she’s lying to you, probably because she knows she’ll be in trouble. Can you approach it more as a PP suggested, that you’ll not be annoyed if she tells the truth and that of course there are consequences to these things, but you’re there to help her work through it?

We’ve all come across bullies at school and at work, there are lots of them out there. You’ve got a great chance to teach your DD there is a better way.

The amount of people on here who would punish their child for ‘bullying’ based on zero tangible evidence is crazy.

You dont get tangible evidence for bullying that's not online.

What you get is the victim coming forward and a witness if you're lucky. They've got that.

Their daughter is bullying someone. I'm going to assume you've been through this and had a kid accused of bullying but chose to believe they didnt do anything. You haven't helped your child by ignoring what they've done.

She's probably been bullying then
Strong words are needed

Her own best friend has said she said it - just now doesn't want to get involved. Probably because she's torn between her best friend and what's right.

OP. I think it's clear your DD has said something to this child. Whether or not it's bullying (repeatedly saying these things and not just once or twice), the club will have to decide through investigation. I wouldn't necessarily punish DD but I would let her know that at this point, with several witnesses including her own friend that you have no option but to assume she is lying like a previous occasion you have mentioned. Your DD does have form for lying. I would wait until the investigation is complete before taking any further actions, you wouldn't want to do anything too harsh in the very small chance it is false.

^ This.

Fortunately we had multiple witnesses to all incidents, who were all willing to make statements. It took a LOT for my DD to get so upset that she confided in me about it, and I’m grateful every day to the kids that decided to get involved to make it stop for her (and others that they’d been mouthing off too as well).

What would you say to an OP who believes spurious bullying accusations against their child and the relationship had suffered as a result?

So if don’t believe someone who says they are being bullied because it’s only their word… what else don’t we believe because it’s only their word?

also there is witnesses to these incidents.

It sounds a bit over the top in terms of safe guarding - what has she allegedly said?

Homophobic slur and bad language towards this other girls on multiple occasions - witnessed by two other girls - one a friend of the girl making complaint other OP daughter close friend - who witnessed things goes to same school as OP DD and wants to stay out of it.

The parents making the complaint clearly think OP DH who manages the team isn’t in a good position to investigate so have gone to the safeguarding person instead.

Getting it investigated by someone impartial probably better and if OP DD did do this probably better to nip it in the bud now rather than let her think it’s an acceptable way to behave.

Children do act out this is a common age for it – if DH wasn’t ware till allegations there shouldn’t be any come back on him - and from PP experiences OP DD may miss some training/matches and come back with a better attitude if they find she was behaving badly.

Probably seems worse to OP because she feel it reflects badly on her family and is worried about repercussions- which may well not be as bad as ignoring situation long term could be.

If you've spoken to her at home and she's denying - other than make it very clear in conversation bullying and homophobic comments aren't acceptable behaviour you just have to wait till the club works though it’s procedures and guidelines and see where you are.

This isnt spurious. Their daughter has been using homophobic slurs.

This isnt something you ignore as a parent.

You really think the family of this child would make up a ‘bogus bullying claim’, which involved the daughter of a family balls-deep in the football club, and then say they’re going to remove their daughter as she’s so unhappy? Get real.

Or maybe the OP's daughter thinks that because her father's the manager she can get away with it, it cuts both way. That's why he needs to remove himself from the situation and let others deal with it, it was the same in school where my OH taught, anything involving our daughters who were in the same school was dealt with by another teacher.

thats what I think. , My kids have all had horrible things said to them and theyve all said horrible things back. My kids have all gone through stages where theyve interpreted any negative behaviour from others as bullying, and ive seen plenty of PFBs over the years who are so overprotective its silly.
Kids are fucking horrible to each other at times. A lot of little girls cant deal with competitive sports where the kids get riled up. I think its a big issue in why girls sports really tails off around this age.
Even if she has been a little cow, she needs to be told to pack it in. Noone needs to go nuclear and potentially risk the club not having a manager. Your daughter needs to know that you cant go round calling other kids names. Its not fair play. That theres no smoke without fire and that you expect no more complaints.
Tell the other parents that youve spoken to your daughter, and whilst she denys it, you have warned her that nothing like this is to happen again, and youll be keeping a close eye.

No need for everyone to be so dramatic.

I think that family are believing and backing their kid, which is what OP and her husband should do, no one else will!

Oh nice, even better homophobic slurs.

Of course OP's daughter thinks because her dad's the manager she'll get away with it.

But as others have said this needs to be stamped on asap and quite heavy handed in the way it's handled.

Bullying is nasty but homophobic bullying, just no. Suppose she takes this behaviour onto where she might work and really gets in trouble. And why is she being homophobic exactly?

Indeed. But as I said upthread, it's not up to him anyway. The parents can make a complaint direct to the club welfare officer, or it could be another member of the club committee who will work with the club welfare officer. Complaints against the child and against the team manager are different things and will be dealt with separately.

You really think the family of this child would make up a ‘bogus bullying claim’, which involved the daughter of a family balls-deep in the football club, and then say they’re going to remove their daughter as she’s so unhappy? Get real

no, but it can absolutely happen. Vanishingly unlikely in this case, however.

Equally, if we believe someone's accusations without an actual investigation what else do we believe...? It would save a fortune in court costs if we just believed the person making the accusations.

Getting it investigated by someone impartial probably better

not only better but exactly what should happen

The club welfare officer will investigate and discuss any sanctions if needed. They must follow the club’s behavioural and anti-bullying policy to the letter. In most cases where there is an admission of unsavoury behaviour, this would probably result in a warning or a penalty, e.g. skipping next game. If there is a failure to change, the penalties get more serious until the player is suspended and ultimately expelled

That is what SHOULD happen. However, some club welfare officers and committee members are completely useless.

i got accused of bullying once when I went on an activity weekend. My friend and I both got pulled out and given a massive rollocking by one of the leaders. We denied EVERYTHING because we had NOT been nasty to the child in question and were adamant we hadn't bullied her
Apparently saying blimey "Wendy is going for another wee" and the other answering "blimey we should call you wee wee Wendy" was bullying
But in out 10 ish year old heads we were absolutely 100% clueless
Could it be anything like that?

No, the OP has already stated it was homophobic slurs and “other things” that are probably equally horrible because baby bigots are nasty.

No need for everyone to be so dramatic

Homophobic bullying of children? Think there's plenty of need for 'drama'