Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

I agree with PP. Your dh has made it look like he wants to sweep it all under the carpet.

There should be an investigation exactly the same as if it were any other child. I would expect your DD to be suspended whilst the investigation takes place.

Sounds like your daughter has definitely been saying nasty things. And a homophobic slur? I'd be questioning where she hear it an taking it hugely seriously in its own right but she's bullying. And the fact your seem do concerned about the consequences for your husband and daughter is ridiculous. A child is going to leave a hobby she enjoys because of what your daughter has been saying to her.

Your daughter needs to apologise and be taken off the team.

Definitely sounds like your DD has been doing it. I was forced to leave a team at 14 due to bullying, never played again.
I'd personally stop my child from an pa playing if they were bullying. Then the other child could continue and my child would learn a hard lesson

Sorry but it sounds as though your daughter is a bully and so are you are your DH.

Step back from the club. All of you.

Immediately.

Let the club do its job. Let the investigation run its course. Then, you can decide what to do about dd, what to do about Dh's position as manger.

Saying that these things take ages, so I'll sure Your'll be having lots of discussions as a family in the meantime. And discussions between you and Dh privately.

I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club.

It must have been very difficult for the bullied child to come forward, seeing as your daughter and husband are so enmeshed in the club. That was brave of them. Could a feeling of invincibility and superiority, linked to that enmeshing, be one of the reasons she has (allegedly) been behaving this way?

Unfortunately for you, what your husband wants is an irrelevance. If it was another child doing the bullying then I’m sure he’d be happy to follow the proper channels.

One of the witnesses is the other girls friend and the other witness is my DD best friend,they sit together in school. My DDs friend has now said she's not getting involved.

I expect your daughter has started on her poor friend now, so make sure she doesn’t say anything.

Bullying SHOULD have consequences. It's tough shit. You need to take responsibility.

The issue i guess is, will your dh still want to manage the team if his daughter is kicked off? Do they have others to take your dh place?

If i was volunteering with a kids club and my daughter was being a pain, id want to deal with it, but if my daughter was kicked out, then I wouldnt volunteer anymore.
Maybe this other girls parents want to offer to volunteer themselves to manage the team?

Oooh are we making up endings now

How you handle this now is even more important if you all live in the same area if many years, you sound entrenched in your community, attend the same school and your family reputation is now at stake

I agree with this point especially that your family reputation is at stake. If the club is that important to you, then you need to let this run its course and abide by any decisions. At the very least you should pull your daughter from the club immediately. She is clearly lying and needs to know being a bully is not acceptable. How you act now will say a lot about you.

I said, “I expect…”

This is quite a common occurrence in football clubs where coaches are often parents.
The club welfare officer will investigate and discuss any sanctions if needed. They must follow the club’s behavioural and anti-bullying policy to the letter. In most cases where there is an admission of unsavoury behaviour, this would probably result in a warning or a penalty, e.g. skipping next game. If there is a failure to change, the penalties get more serious until the player is suspended and ultimately expelled.
The caveat is whether it falls into club time. When kids are in school together, the bad behaviour can happen at school and often parents want clubs to expel the other player. They can’t do that - they don’t have jurisdiction to manage events that happen outside club time.

If two other girls said they heard your DD saying this (and one of them is your DDs friend) then really it seems logical that she said it. Even if they don’t want to get involved now, they are confirming the name calling.

You need to sit your DD down and explain that the truth will out and she will do herself more damage if she denies something she did. If she admits it then you may have a chance of dealing with it outside the club.
if she doesn’t admit it then you just need to let the club do their thing, not much you can do beyond this.

In my experience, the bullies never admit it and their families back them up, even with a whole pile of people evidencing the behaviours. Don't be that parent - get your daughter to tell the tuth if she did bully and then address it.

I’m not sure why the majority of posters automatically assume that OP’s daughter is a bully, when they have no evidence apart from the word of a couple of kids?

When I was a youngster there was always kids that would claim they were being bullied when they weren’t.

Why? Because their parents, who seldom paid them attention, would come running when they did.

It was pretty easy for them to get one of their friends to be a witness too.

Add that to the fact that a lot of parents have a chip on their shoulder about the parents that volunteer at their children’s activities and you have a recipe for malicious bullying allegations.

Ultimately, you know your kid best, don’t tank your relationship with your child to do some other parent or child’s bidding.

Ignore all the virtue signallers in here who say they would pull their kid out of the team if they were accused - would. they. bollocks. I

I wouldn't worry about it, it sounds like one of the bullied children is going to leave and you and DH and DD can carry on as you were with no problems for you.

Sod the bullied child, eh.

I'm guessing we've found the parent of another accused bully who wouldnt believe it.

They've got multiple occasions listed, they have witnesses and the witness is the bully's own best friend.

Bullying isnt usually clear cut or obvious but this time... yeah, it's obvious.

It sounds like total namby pamby parenting from you and DH

Oh I asked her and she said she didn't so let's just leave it. If you wont stand up to her then how so you expect other children to.

Op’s daughter could have had a minor falling out with her friend, which has since been resolved?

Oh yeah, because that's more probably, right?

Her daughter bullied someone and the best friend heard it and stood up for the girl at the time of the complaint.

Or, they had a falling out, the other girl conveniently made this complaint at the exact time of this falling out so the friend decided to jump in and get involved.

No. Kids bully. That means someone has to be bullying. All our kids cannot be innocent. It is really obvious that this girl did it.

“No. Kids bully. That means someone has to be bullying. All our kids cannot be innocent. It is really obvious that this girl did it.”

Not to me it’s not. Bogus bullying allegations are a form of bullying too. Which is something OP should raise.

Could you have inadvertently created an environment in which she is disincentivised from telling the truth? It seems to go hand in hand with 'stricter' more authoritarian types of parenting.

If your DD had admitted to saying the horrible things, would she be in more trouble than she is now? Sometimes we can create situations where lying is the rational choice.

At this stage it probably wouldn't hurt to try a different tactic. Sympathise with her and let her know that she will make lots of bad decisions and mistakes through her childhood/teens and that is a very normal part of growing up. Let her know that what she has been reported to have said is absolutely unacceptable, but that you love her and you will help her to make amends. Discuss the consequences with her (missing training sessions/matches, apologising to the other girl(s), etc) and ask her what help she may need to not repeat the same mistake in future (help with managing her frustration, for example).

Please don't think I mean you should go 'soft' on her. She should not be shielded from the heavy consequences of her actions. She has been incredibly cruel, but you do not need to respond with cruelty, you can model a better way to behave.

What sport may I ask? I have experienced the same situation but me being the parent of the child "being bullied". in the end in my situation, it was more a way of fitting in for the "bully'. maybe she has the same issue. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable around the team and that she is not doing as good as others so she is putting them down to make herself feel better. I would raise those issues with her.

1. does she feel she fits in


2. does she feel comfortable with the team


3. What does she think her performance is like.

Just because you have never had an issue with this before doesn't mean you can't have one now.
(i am not trying to say that she is bullying i am trying to keep options open)

It sounds a bit over the top in terms of safe guarding - what has she allegedly said?

Unfortunately, the fact that there are reluctant witnesses probably means she has done something, maybe she was provoked, I don't know.

It needs to come out either informally or formally via the club.

This could be a teachable moment for your daughter.

My DC said rude words at school to try to be in the 'in group' at primary school - I was mortified. He was punished at school and he was severely punished at home - as he lied about it initially. He has really learnt from this. My point is, children do lie and only admit it right at the end. Does she know the awkward position this has put her dad in?