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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter accused of bullying

401 replies

Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 08:17

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

OP posts:
maturestudent74 · 24/05/2022 17:47

Your daughter won't meet up with the other family. You are the parents and if that what you want to do she has no choice. I think she has probably done it but did not realise the seriousness of it.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 24/05/2022 17:57

Goingforarun · 24/05/2022 17:08

Whatever investigation takes places your DH must step back from it.

Absolutely he should but unless forced to going by OPs posts, I dount he will.

Lougle · 24/05/2022 18:02

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 17:12

actually, at this age, that accusation is really very unlikely to be of a homophobic slur, I think.

Have you ever witnessed y6 children playing football at lunch? Lots of bad language including calling people gay for missing a goal.

I'm saying that if the accusation is false, I don't think that a homophobic slur would be their choice of allegation, not that a child of that age wouldn't use such a slur.

Justkidding55 · 24/05/2022 18:03

My son went through a phase at that age of being a sneaky bully. It may be true and she’s not likely going to own up. I would have DH watch her like a hawk and tell her to stay completely away from the accusers to cover her own back and protect her.

Ahbisto · 24/05/2022 18:05

TrashyPanda · 24/05/2022 17:42

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable

thats as perfect an example of prejudice as you can get.

Sad for you all that when it comes to it the witnesses will be honest and your husband will lose his coaching position. Quite rightly too, instead of dealing with your daughter and her issues you’re weaselling about trying to see if you can stop it being proven and she can get away with it. Trying to protect the bully to protect yourselves. It’s shameful

I feel sorry for your daughter, the pair of you are teaching her to lie and bully and not right from wrong and consequences. . Desperately hoping you can get the kid out before it’s proven what your kid did so the pair of you can continue as is snd save your own skins. Until the next kid. And there will be one.

even your tone of writing screams you know it’s true. You should withdraw your child, apologise to the other child. Tell all the kids bullying is not acceptable and behave with dignity. Then deal with your kid seperately. Talk to her about honestly, her actions, bullying, homophobic behaviour, abuse, and why it’s not acceptable.

TrashyPanda · 24/05/2022 18:06

Lougle · 24/05/2022 18:02

I'm saying that if the accusation is false, I don't think that a homophobic slur would be their choice of allegation, not that a child of that age wouldn't use such a slur.

Show quote history

It wasn’t just a homophobic slur - there were a whole load of “very crude names”

Mama1980 · 24/05/2022 18:15

You need to absolutely not protect your dd from this. Encourage it to be escalated so that a full and impartial investigation can take place.
Your dh's attitude is quite shocking.
A full investigation is for your daughters good as much as anything else, if she is 'guilty' - and it sounds as if she was, then she must face the consequences of her actions. Homophobia is very serious and utterly abhorrent and must be challenged every time.
Having said that your dd isn't a monster, she's screwed up, that's ok she's a child she's supposed to - provided she learns from it.

Sally872 · 24/05/2022 18:20

You don't seem very concerned about whether or not your dd us a bully. Only what it means in terms if sports club.

She has been calling this child awful names. Where is the compassion for that child or the concern for why she is behaving this way and teaching you daughter to be better? Only concern that comes across is can my dh still be a manager and dd on team.

Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 18:27

If three separate children heard the comments it's fairly obvious that your child is the one lying.
How bad were the comments that it's been referred to the child protection officer??
You'd be very foolish not to get to the bottom of this.

Imnotahippo · 24/05/2022 18:28

I remember two boys from my dds school (they whereeither brothers or stepbrothers-I never did find out)
they could do nothing wrong at all-the parents really thought they farted rainbows and pissed glitter
they could whatever they liked,lie about it and mummy and daddy would stick up for them
my dd was walking home one evening,when they jumped her and battered the hell out of her
her crime was walking down the street
there was cctv,witnesses (nobody from school-just people walking by) and police involvement
the parents still denied that their darling little poppets would do something that evil-my dd MUST have done something to annoy them/was lying about it
long story short,they got kicked out of every single school (the schools had it in for them) in the area,arrested just about every week (ditto the police) had their crimes in the local papers (how dare they?poppets had done nothing wrong) and both are now in prison with long sentences (they are innocent,don’t you know?)
they now have that reputation for being gullible fools and liars to boot-they have to keep moving house as nobody wants to live next door to them

its clear your dd has said something-she might not of understood the meaning but she’s said it
dont be that parent-allow the club to investigate (without your husband) and then she has to take what’s coming
if you take her side,then you’ve taught her mummy and daddy will always sort things out,it’s ok to bully and that your reputation is worth more than her

(and believe me,mine haven’t been angels over the years-once my son low levelled bullied another child at a birthday party-something to do with following another lad and chanting ‘oli,oli,oli,tits on a trolley’ (the child was an Oliver) I nipped it there and then-I gave him the chance to tell the truth,he lied-too many others where telling me he had said it so we went home and he missed out on the party-he never did it again-the other child was very upset at the time)

Macaroni1924 · 24/05/2022 18:29

Sally872 · 24/05/2022 18:20

You don't seem very concerned about whether or not your dd us a bully. Only what it means in terms if sports club.

She has been calling this child awful names. Where is the compassion for that child or the concern for why she is behaving this way and teaching you daughter to be better? Only concern that comes across is can my dh still be a manager and dd on team.

Exactly this and no response to these types of replies from OP so obviously in complete denial.

Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 18:29

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable
That is scandalous, actually. He should be removed from his position.
There's a pair of them in it Hmm

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 24/05/2022 18:33

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable.

Says the parents of a child who is lying through her teeth about homophobic bullying.

Littlemissprosecco · 24/05/2022 18:37

This thread makes me really sad. Everyone is a victim in this situation. Whether it’s true or not, there’s obviously a feeling of disharmony between families/ children/ upbringings etc….. people are now essentially at war. Where’s the we’re all in this together attitude? No children are perfect however we as parents think they are! All this thread shows is that we still live in an age of prejudice and self.
I hope for all parties concerned that is can be resolved quickly and without any more pain. None of us can be held responsible for what our children may say or do. But we must be held responsible for their upbringing and life attitudes to others

Swayingpalmtrees · 24/05/2022 18:47

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable

Your dh sounds like he isn't going to be a coach for very much longer

With respect op your dh is trying to stop your dd getting a 'bad name' ? I think it is a little late for that don't you? Maybe if he had instilled some kindness, empathy and good manners into her at a younger age, and was a fair and decent man himself rather than enabling monstrous bullying you wouldn't be facing a serious investigation, including homophobia now. The horse appears to have already bolted so to speak, and unless you both grow a moral compass over night she will be hell by the time she is fifteen and you won't be calling the shots then, she will be...trust me. You will reap what you sow.

Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 18:49

I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club
Consequences for him and your dd!!
Shame on all three of you. He is not fit to hold the position he does.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 24/05/2022 19:02

you need to face up to your daughter being a bulky - withdraw her from the club

mellicauli · 24/05/2022 19:03

3 match ban, your daughter apologises, whole team gets the talk: treat each other with respect, don’t badmouth each other, call each other out on bad behaviour, here’s the steps to report before it gets out of hand. Importance of team cohesiveness on performance etc Then move on

Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 19:04

mellicauli · 24/05/2022 19:03

3 match ban, your daughter apologises, whole team gets the talk: treat each other with respect, don’t badmouth each other, call each other out on bad behaviour, here’s the steps to report before it gets out of hand. Importance of team cohesiveness on performance etc Then move on

Unlikely to happen when op's dh is protecting his daughter and insinuating that other children are untrustworthy liars.

Readtheroom · 24/05/2022 19:05

was actually in this same situation myself where someone had accused me of saying something when I hadn't said anything and they got their friends to back them up to say that they had over heard. The thing that caught them out was that when I had apparently said these things, these witnesses weren't even there and it could be proven. Don't know if that's of any help

Ahbisto · 24/05/2022 19:08

Readtheroom · 24/05/2022 19:05

was actually in this same situation myself where someone had accused me of saying something when I hadn't said anything and they got their friends to back them up to say that they had over heard. The thing that caught them out was that when I had apparently said these things, these witnesses weren't even there and it could be proven. Don't know if that's of any help

It’s not the same situation though is it,, read the room.,

Readtheroom · 24/05/2022 19:12

@Ahbisto

lol I'm not sure why you've said that, someone has accused OPs DD of saying something. May or may not be true in OPs case but its the same situation

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 19:30

Readtheroom · 24/05/2022 19:05

was actually in this same situation myself where someone had accused me of saying something when I hadn't said anything and they got their friends to back them up to say that they had over heard. The thing that caught them out was that when I had apparently said these things, these witnesses weren't even there and it could be proven. Don't know if that's of any help

One of the witnesses is the OP's DD's best friend.

If dd was innocent then presumably the best friend would say so but the best friend is not commenting.

kateandme · 24/05/2022 19:31

Tell your rd you now have credible witness to it.not the accuser. Say you need to now hear her side and when she said it so you can work out how to move forward with this.she needs to be honest so you can help her.and because her dad is now in danger of losing his role etc.
Tell her ( for now) you don't care about her lying ,thst it can happen when wr are afraid or backed into a corner or caught and unsure way to do now.just want to support and stop this from escalating,because it will and is.

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 19:31

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable

Does he believe your dd over the other 3 girls? Your dd has clearly said something bad if her best friend isn't defending her.