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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter accused of bullying

401 replies

Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 08:17

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 24/05/2022 16:25

Obviously you and your dh are finding it hard to believe your dd could be responsible.

I find it less hard to believe, given there are two witnesses.

If it looks like it and acts like it, it is it.

Tell dd that if it comes out that she is lying, it will be very embarrassing for her and her Dad.

Knittingchamp · 24/05/2022 16:25

OP I think your DH needs to step down if he has chosen the path of saying 'he is not fond of' the girl who was bullied by your DS, and if you also just stand by and let this happen. This is not a safe environment for sport,it's not safe for girls who are targets of bullying, and it's breeding toxicity where the daughter of the coach is allowed to bully other kids, and the coach simply says 'well, I'm not fond of the girl whose been bullied'.

Running a sports club is a huge responsibility for looking after the safety and well-being of impressionable young people, and you have to either rise to that, or step away, else you're going to be causing a lot of damage now and in the future. You must know that.

bendmeoverbackwards · 24/05/2022 16:25

He thinks once parents hear what's going on they will question their own children and the other kids will just agree that they have heard something

Are you actually worried about this, or rather the possibility that more children will come forward to say they have also experienced bullying by your daughter?

CPL593H · 24/05/2022 16:27

Op, the fact your daughter's best friend "doesn't want to get involved" speaks volumes., it really does. Surely you must see that she'd be rushing to defend her if she could?

Your husband is handling this very badly and really needs to completely step away from it.

bendmeoverbackwards · 24/05/2022 16:28

'Fond' FFS. @Pennyhill22 as a club manager, it is not your dh's job to take a like or dislike to a particular child. It is his job to look out for ANY child being bullied and take action against the perpetrator even if she is his own daughter. If is he going to turn a blind eye, he should not be in the job.

You sound quite nervous and worried about this. If your daughter is innocent there is no need for worry surely?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2022 16:41

CPL593H · 24/05/2022 16:27

Op, the fact your daughter's best friend "doesn't want to get involved" speaks volumes., it really does. Surely you must see that she'd be rushing to defend her if she could?

Your husband is handling this very badly and really needs to completely step away from it.

This is also what I think op. Were your dd’s bf defending her it would be different. Look at the voting.

alphons · 24/05/2022 16:44

Your DH needs to let an independent party - say, the CPO - deal with this. Because:

  1. It's better for the alleged victim
  2. it's better for your DD, because if she did do what she's accused of she needs to suffer the consequences and they're likely to be more effective coming from an independent party than her parents
  3. it's better for your DH, because right now he's just guilty of not parenting properly. If he digs his heels in and there's a hint of nepotism and/or disbelieving other parents, he's going to be guilty of a whole lot more
  4. it's the right thing to do
  5. that's what these people are for and what they do.
Your DH has been put into this position by his DD. If she's done what she's being accused of, the consequences could be far reaching for your entire family. That's between you both and your DD, nothing to do with anyone else. Let this be a lesson to your DD, and be grateful it's happening at this young age and in the context of a sports club. It would be a whole lot worse later in life.

Ask yourselves if you want to be the family that ducks and dives and makes excuses and lives under a shadow and has a DD with a reputation when you yourself have doubts about your DD. Is that what you want? Or do you want to be the family that doesn't tolerate homophobia or bullying, whoever the perpetrator? It could be you or your DC as the victims next time. And then what?

I know you're mostly asking what the potential consequences of a CPO getting involved could be - but even that sounds like you're considering ducking and diving. Face up to it. If your DD has done nothing wrong, she's got nothing to worry about because you, her parents, will protect her even if the findings aren't accurate. If she has done what she's accused of, well you as her parents should be at the front of the line in wanting her to get her just desserts.

Crazycrazylady · 24/05/2022 16:51

Honestly its likely this girl is telling the truth, In my experience of 11 years olds, they simply don't make up totally untrue repeated stories about someone treating them badly unless its true.
you are incredibly naive to think that this girl and her parents haven't been discussing this already and you're right that mud sticks. They clearly believe its true and you cant prevent them from speaking about it.
Its very important that your husband does the right thing here and be seems to be impartial or he will absolutely be suspended from the club and rightly so.

Lougle · 24/05/2022 16:52

I think you need to concentrate on your DD here. For whatever reason, she's got herself into a right old pickle. The constant probing about this has forced her to adopt an extreme position of 'I didn't say anything'. She will have said 'something.' Nobody just decides that they are going to accuse someone of something, and actually, at this age, that accusation is really very unlikely to be of a homophobic slur, I think.

Your DD needs to be reassured that whatever was said, for whatever reason, you love her, but that the truth is really, really important here. It may be that she used a word in haste that she regrets. It may be that she used a word that she doesn't fully understand. Regardless, the fact that her friend says she did means that she probably did. Or at the very least, she hasn't been pleasant.

Your DH is the least important here, sorry. This is about your child understanding that the way to deal with issues is to tell the truth and face what you've done. Whatever the consequence of that for your DH, that's just a by-product.

Herejustforthisone · 24/05/2022 16:52

JosephdeMaistre · 24/05/2022 15:56

Now I’m starting to think that OP’s daughter is the real victim here. Perhaps dad could tender his resignation, it might make the club think twice if they face losing a key volunteer

Show quote history

Bloody hell, are you a sock puppet?

Macaroni1924 · 24/05/2022 16:56

Unfortunately OP it looks highly likely that your daughter has said something. This hasn’t come out of nowhere and obviously isn’t a one time thing. Is she bullying? Perhaps not but she has definitely been unkind. The fact that she said they haven’t said anything makes it worse. So she denies the accusations and has had nothing from them? This isn’t all made up and something has happened.
The fact her BF has now backed down is a major concern. Why would she agree and then back down? Friends support friends so she obviously isn’t wanting to lie but equally doesn’t want to go against her BF.
Your daughter needs to be honest. Maybe she thinks she could get away with it because dad is in charge. She is certainly withholding information and needs to realise how serious this situation is.

Herejustforthisone · 24/05/2022 16:57

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Or in this case, bully.

And I don’t think it’s too hard to see where the attitude might have come from.

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 17:02

How long since the complaint was lodged?

Original poster
Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 17:05

It will be a week tomorrow. The other parents have asked the director of football to escalate it to the CPO but he has not yet.

OP posts:
RedPlumbob · 24/05/2022 17:08

Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 17:05

It will be a week tomorrow. The other parents have asked the director of football to escalate it to the CPO but he has not yet.

Hopefully they will soon, cos you two sound useless. “Not believable” honestly, one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read on here, said about a child. I know exactly you and your DHs type and what this poor child is up against. Grim.

Goingforarun · 24/05/2022 17:08

Whatever investigation takes places your DH must step back from it.

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 17:09

If your dd was innocent, would you accept her friend not saying what she saw? You must know deep down that she's not saying because it will affect her friendship with your dd hence her place on the team?

Best case scenario is that your dd said something nasty but not on the list but that's obviously something that needs nipping in the bud.

Sparro · 24/05/2022 17:10

Nobody just decides that they are going to accuse someone of something, and actually, at this age, that accusation is really very unlikely to be of a homophobic slur, I think.

I heard plenty of homophobic language when I was 11.

PeekAtYou · 24/05/2022 17:12

actually, at this age, that accusation is really very unlikely to be of a homophobic slur, I think.

Have you ever witnessed y6 children playing football at lunch? Lots of bad language including calling people gay for missing a goal.

Y7drama · 24/05/2022 17:17

I think unfortunately that it sounds as though your daughter is being a bully, and that her friend who corroborated it is now scared to be involved in case your daughter turns on her too.

Blanketpolicy · 24/05/2022 17:18

One of the witnesses is the other girls friend and the other witness is my DD best friend,they sit together in school.

I tend to agree with most other posters, if you dd's friend was a witness to the name calling you need to change your approach to this.

Stop asking your dd if she did it, she has dug herself a hole and cannot own up to both the name calling and now lying. Tell her you know she said it and work with her on how to fix it. Encourage her to own up and apologise. She might get suspended or expelled from the team, she needs to face up to those consequences.

You dh needs to approach it like he would approach any team member who did the same, it is probably better he steps away from it and hands it over to someone unbiased to deal with and he then accepts the outcome.

The worst thing you can for your dd do is protect her from the consequences of her actions. She needs to learn from this.

Glittertwins · 24/05/2022 17:28

No one like to think their child is lying or bullying. DS has sadly been caught out so many times for not telling the truth, no matter what and he has not been brought up by us this way. If so many others are saying the same thing, then it is quite likely that OP's DD is not being wholly truthful.

TrashyPanda · 24/05/2022 17:39

JosephdeMaistre · 24/05/2022 15:19

“agree. The manager should be backing the child being abused on the basis of her sexuality even if the perpetrator is his own daughter.”

where did anyone say the other child was gay?

OPs daughter did

The other parents have forwarded the club a list of the names and comments by DD has apparently said. Not racist but a homophobic slur and also very crude names

Gilmorehill · 24/05/2022 17:41

Urgh. My ds was on a team where the son of one of the coaches was a bully. He was an awful child. His dad thought the sun shone out of his backside. No parent was brave enough to escalate it, although I did. I hope this is dealt with impartially.

TrashyPanda · 24/05/2022 17:42

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable

thats as perfect an example of prejudice as you can get.