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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice? I’m out of my depth…

180 replies

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 22:55

Totally honest, posting here for traffic. Apologies:

ill try and keep it brief:

DS is 15, single parent although dad lives a close by and we have a fine relationship. No issues: no other kids. Wonderful kid, no problems, grade A’s, goes out to football, no where else.

last week I discovered that ds had taken £5 from my purse. He denied but eventually admitted. There was another £10
that was unaccounted for which he wouldn’t admit to. I was really shocked and disappointed as this was our first real “incident”. Tried to move on however after suitable punishment:

Parents evening tonight and it transpires he’s been caught forging a letter to pe teacher to excuse himself from PE and forging my signature: no idea why as he’s fit, plays football and enjoys sport. Teacher disappointed, as am I.

I speak to his dad about it (he knows about last weeks money), we chat and I say I do T really understand where any of this is come from. He’s got plenty of money in his bank, we have a good relationship and it’s just odd. And disappointing… blah blah

However, about 6 months ago I had some work done in the house. Took money out to pay builders and at the end was about £400 short. At the time I thought I’d over paid/miscounted. I mentioned this to his dad, and said that now it kinda throws an uncertainty over the money and he said that similar had happened at his house, and that money he’d been saving fo Holidays etc was potentially £1k down…. Although he couldn’t be certain. Neither of us are actually certain… but with everything else it all just seems a bit odd. And horrible. And I actually don’t know what to do. My lovely kind funny boy who’s a modal student and never been in any trouble at all is now looking like a liar, thief and god knows what else.

his dad is coming over tomorrow night so we can talk to him about it, he doesn’t know anything just know, I feel awful for suspecting him, and awful that he might have stolen £1400 from us. He never goes anywhere or does anything without us so I’ve got no actual clue where the Mike’s could be if it was him. I guess it might not be him… and then things are awful too.

its such a mess ☹️

OP posts:
Strawberries86 · 23/05/2022 23:12

Surely you can check your bank statements to find out if it was an error? I feel for you, it’s a real dilemma.

Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:13

I took the money out for a few different trades and other bits and pieces so kind lost rack of it a bit, which is why at the time I thought it was my mistake but now possibly not the case.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 23/05/2022 23:16

If you are not absolutely certain, then do not accuse him of stealing £1400 from you both. The nicking £5 and forging a PE excuse are fairly normal teen behaviours. Most teens will have small incidents such as this, and it doesn’t make them habitual liars or thieves. It’s a big jump to go from grabbing a fiver to taking £1400.

If he’s innocent, you will cause a chasm in your relationship that may never be bridged. He will remember how low your opinion was of him to think he’d steal so much money.

Its best to file your suspicions away as you are not certain and step up future monitoring. You also have no evidence he has been unaccountably flush with money. No expensive items mysteriously bought and appearing. No going out constantly. If he did take the money, he will likely do so again and if you’re monitoring you will likely catch him then.

GreenTeaPingPong · 23/05/2022 23:17

Your ex had over £1k in cash lying round at his house? That's quite unusual.

I do feel for you though. I would be wary of accusing your DS outright as if you're wrong then you'd really damage your relationship.

Babdoc · 23/05/2022 23:21

Discovereads, he could have spent the money on a gambling addiction, drugs, or buying add ons for an online game - there would be nothing to show for it. So the lack of new “stuff” doesn’t prove his innocence.

Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:21

Ex has a habit of saving money in socks. Weird but true.

agree potentially with not mentioning it, and keeping more of An eye going forward… unless there’s some big thing we are missing here that we need to know…

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/05/2022 23:22

How on earth did your ex not notice 1k missing and not question his son 😳.

Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:23

Wouldn’t say drugs or gambling… have checked his bank too, nothing untoward. He’s quite a young 15 if that makes sense, doesn’t like alcohol, doesn’t go anywhere other tha football and school. Has access to £100+ on his account every month for lunches that doesn’t always get spent if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:24

He had been putting money away for holidays, counted it, thought he should have jd more but presumed he’d made an error. He actually might have done. Difficult to know

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/05/2022 23:25

Can you check whether the money has been paid into your son's bank account? If he kept it in cash then either he's paying off someone, like a bully, or buying drink, drugs or food with it.

Alopeciabop · 23/05/2022 23:26

Just my two cents but if you accuse him you really run the risk of pushing him away because he’ll likely just deny it, and then turn it on you both and make you look like the bad guys for accusing him of stealing that much money - £5/10 quid is very different to 1000+

Something is going on with him for him to be stealing money - drugs, drinking, gaming, other kid blackmailing him, boredom, frustration, keeping up with the Joneses, pressure of always being straight A student, impressing a girl/guy…whatever. But there is a reason.

Where did he go when he skipped PE? This is weird if he likes sport. Is he being bullied?

I’d be very careful looking backwards. Try to be supportive as now you’re moving forward. Make it clear you’re here to help and want to understand his motivation. Not pointing fingers as then he’s just going to freak out and hide more from you.

Get him therapy. Move schools. Take him away for a month on a bonding experience with Dad maybe. He has a routine/life situation which clearly isn’t working for him so get him out of it. But please do think twice before becoming the police/judge/jury in this situation.

Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:27

Not in account.

seems normal happy chilled self so bullying wouldn’t be immediate concern but possibly.

again wouldn’t have thought drugs as he’s quite young/naive/sensible but guess you don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:30

That’s really helpful thank you.

the Shit thing is he likes school and is doing really well. He also has 4 holidays a year roughly: he’s supposed to be go into Paris this weekend with his dad for the champions league final, then Spain with me next month, he really does have a nice life, and seems genuinly content and happy. That’s the most difficult thing to understand about this/

OP posts:
SidSparrow · 23/05/2022 23:31

£1400!! I would mention it. That's what happens in the real world. If you steal then people see you differently and will accuse you of anything. Not a bad lesson to learn. I do feel for him though, maybe there's something going on that he feels he can't tell anyone about, so I would be going for the softly softly approach. I would also say that trust has been broken which is pretty serious, so I'd be looking for some plan of action to rebuild it, and for that to happen there has to be no more lies. I'd be stressing to him that you all want to move forward. Maybe he'll open up then.

BattenburgDonkey · 23/05/2022 23:33

He’s stolen £5 and you’ve now realised you and ex are both very lax with cash and you are considering accusing him of stealing £1400 with no evidence… I think that’s daft. You could well be right but you just need to keep a very close eye on money and see what he does and give yourself time to work out if it’s him or not.

And if you really think he’s capable of stealing £1400 and you’ve missed it then I think you should open your mind up to the idea that he may be hiding bullying or other things from you too, don’t just assume the worst, consider all possibilities or you may just end up pushing him away.

amoobaa · 23/05/2022 23:33

Where’s he been whilst skipping PE? Hope he’s ok 💐

Cstring · 23/05/2022 23:33

I would actually ask him, but not accuse him. I would broach it as you are worried as money has gone missing and you’re upset. See if it makes him guilty a bit.
Unfortunately I do think it’s too much if s coincidence for both of you to have money go missing. I have to say I would be absolutely devastated to know that my kids had stolen from me, so I hope you are mistaken.

LisaSimpson1984 · 23/05/2022 23:35

Tbh in this situation I would be looking in his room. I know, I know it’s not great. But I would neeeeed to know there wasn’t something else going on eg drugs.

Discovereads · 23/05/2022 23:37

Babdoc · 23/05/2022 23:21

Discovereads, he could have spent the money on a gambling addiction, drugs, or buying add ons for an online game - there would be nothing to show for it. So the lack of new “stuff” doesn’t prove his innocence.

You cannot spend cash online. He would have had to deposit it in his bank…and OP mentioned knowing his bank balance so presumably if it had any strange large deposits she would have noticed.

If he had spent it on drugs, he’d have been leaving the house alone which OP said he does not do. She said he only ever goes places with them.

LisaSimpson1984 · 23/05/2022 23:37

Did you ask him why he took the money before? Or why he skipped PE? I’m not a parent of teens but I’d be very keen to find that out.

Original poster
Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 23:39

He says he took the money as he wanted to go to sandwich shop that doesn’t take card payments

he didn’t actually skip PE. He was caught trying to forge letter to get out of it for 4 weeks

no weird deposits in bank account and never anywhere other than school, football training or home

OP posts:
Knackeredmommy · 23/05/2022 23:42

It's so hard because trust has been broken, I think a discussion is needed about what you know for sure and why he's done that and see if he opens up about anything else. You keep saying he's doing well, is happy, no worries but don't assume, something could be going on for him.

LisaSimpson1984 · 23/05/2022 23:42

But why couldn’t he take cash out of his own account? Or ask you for the money? Why did he want out of PE for four weeks?

Gymnopedie · 23/05/2022 23:45

again wouldn’t have thought drugs as he’s quite young/naive/sensible but guess you don’t know

Being bullied at school for money? Bullied for doing PE? Young and naive sounds like a possible prime target for bullies.

Jalepenojello · 23/05/2022 23:47

Have a chat OP. I was a “good” kid. Good grades, no backchatting or attitude. I stole money from my parents. It happens. Teenagers can be impulsive. It’s worth a chat.