To ask for advice? I’m out of my depth…

[Chocbuttonsandredwine]

Totally honest, posting here for traffic. Apologies:

ill try and keep it brief:

DS is 15, single parent although dad lives a close by and we have a fine relationship. No issues: no other kids. Wonderful kid, no problems, grade A’s, goes out to football, no where else.

last week I discovered that ds had taken £5 from my purse. He denied but eventually admitted. There was another £10
that was unaccounted for which he wouldn’t admit to. I was really shocked and disappointed as this was our first real “incident”. Tried to move on however after suitable punishment:

Parents evening tonight and it transpires he’s been caught forging a letter to pe teacher to excuse himself from PE and forging my signature: no idea why as he’s fit, plays football and enjoys sport. Teacher disappointed, as am I.

I speak to his dad about it (he knows about last weeks money), we chat and I say I do T really understand where any of this is come from. He’s got plenty of money in his bank, we have a good relationship and it’s just odd. And disappointing… blah blah

However, about 6 months ago I had some work done in the house. Took money out to pay builders and at the end was about £400 short. At the time I thought I’d over paid/miscounted. I mentioned this to his dad, and said that now it kinda throws an uncertainty over the money and he said that similar had happened at his house, and that money he’d been saving fo Holidays etc was potentially £1k down…. Although he couldn’t be certain. Neither of us are actually certain… but with everything else it all just seems a bit odd. And horrible. And I actually don’t know what to do. My lovely kind funny boy who’s a modal student and never been in any trouble at all is now looking like a liar, thief and god knows what else.

his dad is coming over tomorrow night so we can talk to him about it, he doesn’t know anything just know, I feel awful for suspecting him, and awful that he might have stolen £1400 from us. He never goes anywhere or does anything without us so I’ve got no actual clue where the Mike’s could be if it was him. I guess it might not be him… and then things are awful too.

its such a mess ☹️

OP. does your son have any friends,as so far all that's mentioned is school and home.

Also, are you maybe a bit too dependent on him....I notice you say it's only been you two for the last 10 years.

You also say he is well behaved,good grades.
Is there a possibility he feels too much pressure from you, without you realising.

The fact he lied about his maths grades and then cried, is very sad.

He sounds under pressure and stressed tbh. I know, looking in at this lifestyle, it might look nice and solid to you, but he is the one living it and you just can't know.

My sis stole from our father for years, 50p every day for years during the 80s. She bought sweets. She hid it. She stole just to have it.

I don't know when or how she stopped but she did.

We looked like we had a relatively ok life but things that should have been open weren't and we all lived afraid to talk about certain pretty big life events because we knew it would upset others if we did so.

I’m sorry - this sounds super worrying and stressful for you.

The larger sums of money would take the dishonesty to a whole other level. I don’t think you should accuse without being sure… I think you and his dad need more evidence.

My husband and I were in the same boat of finding cash we thought we had in our wallets/the sideboard drawer mysteriously gone but we weren’t 100% sure. When we noticed the pattern, we put a little camera up that alerts your phone when there’s movement. It was about $30 to buy online. It only took a few days to find the culprit. On video the gardener was caught red-handed going into our cleaner’s handbag and stealing from her wallet.

I would suggest you and his dad say nothing to your son and do similar. Best case is that nothing else goes missing. Worst case is that you catch him and can confront him with evidence, which will mean you are more likely to get to the bottom of what’s going on and he won’t be able to lie his way out of it and you can address it accordingly.

I’m wondering if it’s the beginning of an addiction but there are many potential reasons. It could be a way of him trying to ‘be cool’ or something.

The great thing is that you and his dad can work together as a team on this.

Good luck!

Oh, poor boy. You're right to let the money thing go. You don't even have proof that any was taken, you've both just trawled back through your memories to come up with occasions when maybe some might possibly have gone missing. He sounds a lovely lad and I'd just concentrate on putting this behind you.

Needing to be perfect.parents thinking he is.having to be the good one.perfect.ENOUGH when you don't feel it.strong when you dotn feel it.100% when u can't.happy for mum and dad wen u dont feel it.bwing the good enough child or perfect makes u great at putting on a front.and those struggling most do it more to protect and avoid the shame of mentally struggling with something.

Re: lying about the test. I’m certainly not saying this is certainly the case, but there’s always the chance he’s trying the old “fess up
to a lesser crime so you appear honest and get away with a bigger one” trick. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

I’m a mum of 3 grown up sons (all with very different attitudes) and I have been in a similar situation with regards to small cash amounts and the forging of notes - so to a certain extent I think it’s ‘normal’ -However it isn’t acceptable and does need addressing but tbh I can’t imagine that the other stuff could be him.
with £1400 there would be ‘evidence’ either in possessions or a period of time when he was staying out late/getting drunk or worse and you would recognise that as being out of the ordinary.
you have to be really careful in addressing it, that you only speak to him about what you know is for definite, you don’t want him to think you have so little trust in him that you imagine he’s done it.
without firm evidence all you have is suspicion and that’s not enough- the relationship you have with your son is going to shake a little bit when you confront him
with fact so in my experience it’s best to let him know you are his cheerleader, you will always support him but you would like to understand the reasoning behind the stolen cash and the p.e note - money can be re earnt and written off (the smaller amount) but the trust and relationship with a teenager can be very fragile.

@Chocbuttonsandredwine

Bless him. He sounds like a lovely soul.

Totally with him on bunking off PE - I used to hate "forced" PE at school... but then joined venture scouts, did white water kayaking at Uni, and broke my wrist mountain biking as a young adult....

On the (actually quite small in the scheme of things) overspend on your build. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was you. We had a devil of a job keeping track of everything once we had loads of trades involved. And your ex keeps his money in multiple socks - enough said 🤣

I hope all continues well OP. Thanks for the update x

I can remember when I was a scheming wee bastard and that's textbook

@OneTC - just put of interest - are you male?
Just wondering if we have encapsulated the male and female take on this?!

Apologies if I'm totally barking up wrong tree 🤣

your Son is lying to you even if at this point it’s petty, taking money without asking, notes to get out of pe, test results scores. You’re excusing his behaviour - taking money without asking and faking notes for PE are not ok - want money ask, want to get out of pe because you don’t like it, discuss it with me. What was the benefit of lying about test results?

If this sort of behaviour has only just started then it could well be that there’s more at play. I remember being 15 and swearing blind about things that were not true to my parents, sometimes to hide someone else from getting into trouble. I was not a bad kid but I had moments that would have shocked my parents knowing they would defend completely thinking I’d never do such a thing. Maybe his sweet easy life is boring him and he’s actually trying to find something that gives him a buzz?

If it were me having this conversation I’d be letting him know I’m not happy with the mistrust he’s giving YOU, but I’d want to know why that’s started to happen for seemingly no reason at all, and if there was anything- big or small that was causing it I’d prefer to know so I can help, if it escalates to something bigger and he has taken the money or there is something else at play then I’d be disappointed that he hadn’t told me and then there would be bigger consequences to that.

I always say you can tell me the truth now and we’ll sort it and move on from it or you can lie to me and I will find out - then we’re going to have 2 problems to deal with.

i Loved sports and never skipped p.e until I became a bit more body conscious and I didn’t want to change with all the other kids.

Not in the same league, but £100 went missing in my house. I suspected my son but couldn't prove it.

I've accepted my own responsibility of having money left out which could have tempted him. I didn't accuse him - I wasn't 100% sure, but I haven't left any money out since. I also had a very very strong chat with him and scared him about theft and police etc etc.

You need to monitor him - not accuse him. TBH he sounds like the perfect drugs mule. I'm sorry but you must realise that this type of thing happens.

Forging.PE notes? I'd write them for him..
The rest is very serious.

Don't accuse him of taking the large sum. If he did, it'll weigh on his mind now anyway, and it'll haunt him when he's older, but if he didn't you will, almost certainly give him the message that you think - as in fact you do - that he's capable of doing so, and THAT if he's innocent of it, will hurt him for the rest of his days. Speaking from experience, though not about money.

As to the £5 and the forged note: in my professional and personal experience that's actually a normal part of childhood. It's the kid trying out the boundaries and seeing if it's true that "crime doesn't pay" or whether there will be repercussions.

(There will be plenty of posters who'll poo-poo that. Just truthfully ask yourself, did you never do anything similar as a child, before you all get up in arms.)

Which is absolutely not to say don't come down hard on him about the lesser issues - in fact you need to be really clear that this is not acceptable and come up with a consequence that will really sting, without long-term affecting his life or leaving him feeling humiliated.

My guess is he's buying cigarettes, weed or is gambling

All fairly normal teenager things but not cool

Time for a proper chat.

That's a hell of a jump, from nicking a fiver to stealing £1400. You need more evidence of worrying behaviour before you go accusing him of that.

Could he be taking drugs OP?

My son did this when a feral teenager. My now ex kept cash in v obvious hidey holes. Both were exhausting with their ways. One is now fine. 😳

What did the maths teacher say about the maths test?

Talk to your DS with your Ex - something is going on - he may be being bullied - not wanting to tell you - just be there for him and I’m sure he will open up to you if you tell him how worried you are about Him - hope he is ok xxx

Sad to say but will h@ve to set him up. Make sure he sees you putting a largeish amount of cash in a purse and when he is not looking add some 'Eosin paint' powder. If he goes in the purse, his hand will be covered in the powder which will turn his hands red if he tries to wash it off! ( cought red handed).
Worked for me years ago when a cousin stole cash I was saving and spent it on petrol for his scooter!

I know that this seems a bit "out there" but I'm wondering if he's paying for some sort of surgery or something and doesn't want to do PE for 4 weeks because of that?

This thread is becoming increasingly deranged.

I didn't see your post about gymnastics. I guess that explains that.

I'd just say to him that nothing will stop you from loving him, nothing will shock you and he can tell you anything and you promise not to judge.