To ask for advice? I’m out of my depth…

[Chocbuttonsandredwine]

Totally honest, posting here for traffic. Apologies:

ill try and keep it brief:

DS is 15, single parent although dad lives a close by and we have a fine relationship. No issues: no other kids. Wonderful kid, no problems, grade A’s, goes out to football, no where else.

last week I discovered that ds had taken £5 from my purse. He denied but eventually admitted. There was another £10
that was unaccounted for which he wouldn’t admit to. I was really shocked and disappointed as this was our first real “incident”. Tried to move on however after suitable punishment:

Parents evening tonight and it transpires he’s been caught forging a letter to pe teacher to excuse himself from PE and forging my signature: no idea why as he’s fit, plays football and enjoys sport. Teacher disappointed, as am I.

I speak to his dad about it (he knows about last weeks money), we chat and I say I do T really understand where any of this is come from. He’s got plenty of money in his bank, we have a good relationship and it’s just odd. And disappointing… blah blah

However, about 6 months ago I had some work done in the house. Took money out to pay builders and at the end was about £400 short. At the time I thought I’d over paid/miscounted. I mentioned this to his dad, and said that now it kinda throws an uncertainty over the money and he said that similar had happened at his house, and that money he’d been saving fo Holidays etc was potentially £1k down…. Although he couldn’t be certain. Neither of us are actually certain… but with everything else it all just seems a bit odd. And horrible. And I actually don’t know what to do. My lovely kind funny boy who’s a modal student and never been in any trouble at all is now looking like a liar, thief and god knows what else.

his dad is coming over tomorrow night so we can talk to him about it, he doesn’t know anything just know, I feel awful for suspecting him, and awful that he might have stolen £1400 from us. He never goes anywhere or does anything without us so I’ve got no actual clue where the Mike’s could be if it was him. I guess it might not be him… and then things are awful too.

its such a mess ☹️

I wouldn’t worry too much about the £5 or fake note (most try that one at one point).

OP you need evidence to be sure about the other money that’s gone missing. My brother was stealing money and my mum caught him by withdrawing around £100 with consecutive bank notes, waited until he took some of it, checked his wallet and hey presto!

You do need to bring it up. You don’t necessarily have to accuse, but he needs to realise that if he’s stealing money then it’s not going to go unnoticed.

I can see how you thought the £400 must have ben your oversight because if you have a child who you have previously not had issues with then you wouldn’t automatically conclude that he’d taken it as it would be out of character, iyswim.

Another possibility, does he have any friends who have been to te house while you had this money there who could have taken it?

While he’s guilty of having taken the £5 and trying to forge your signature on a PE letter, he may not have taken the £1400, but equally he might. But similarly he could have a friend who has taken it, but because you know he’s taken the fiver you’ve now concluded that he took the £400 as well. Iyswim.

Has he been bullied at school? Could he be paying somebody off?

You need to talk to him about the PE note. YY lots of DCs try it but you say he loves sport/football - so I'd want to check what was going on that this had changed. As a PP said, changing rooms are rife for bullying.
I'm not sure if I've misunderstood - are you saying you've got into a 'sting' operation with the letter from the PE teacher. So it's a test to see if your DS brings the letter home? I wouldn't have done that. I'd have spoken to DS straight after parents' evening. (I'm surprised he wasn't there. Our school makes DCs attend). Your DS needs to know you have his back not that you're co-operating with school to try to catch him out. The much bigger issue is why he's trying to avoid PE - not the forged letter or a missing letter home.
The £5 - it seems you've already dealt with it so you don't need to go over it again.
The £1400 - you don't mention it because neither you nor your ex have kept track of that money and it's a massive leap from taking £5 from a purse to stealing £1400 over a prolonged period of time. You both need to be much more aware of your money going forward.

I mean, that's all über normal kid behaviour.

Going back a few years our younger daughter always seemed to be finding loose change wherever she went. (Husband also has a habit of finding wallets/phones/handbags etc and hands them in or returns them)
I didn’t think anything about it until I would go shopping thinking I had more cash in my purse than I actually had, but like you couldn’t be sure. We also ran a business where we were paid mostly in cash and the same thing happened. It wasn’t too regular and the discrepancy was relatively small so we never really suspected our kids were taking the cash. She was also writing notes and forging my signature to get out of PE.- One time the teacher thought my ACTUAL signature was a forgery! Years later BOTH my daughters confessed to taking a few pounds here and there (I admit to being very disappointed) and skipping PE which is pretty common amongst teens. They both grew up well rounded and very hard working and I notice the younger daughter guards her money with her life! Unless you are sure about the £1400 I would be very careful about accusing your son as it could destroy your relationship. Is it possible someone else knew the cash was there and helped themselves or you spent more than you realised?

You seem to be very quick to write certain things off, like it couldn’t possibly be gambling bullying etc because he’s a good kid or seems fine. Bad things can happen to good kids and everything is clearly not fine if he is stealing and skipping PE. You need to approach this with a much more open mind. He is clearly very good at hiding things. £1400 is a huge amount of money and if he has nothing to show for it he could well be being blackmailed.

"I disagree you’ve been “lax” with money
if you can’t leave money lying around on your own home, where the heck can you?!"

The laxness is not in leaving money lying around, it is not knowing how much they had. So they are not sure if they miscounted/misremembered what how much was there, she says 'neither of us is certain'.

If they don't know what they had, they can't accuse anyone of taking it.

Yes agreed
you don’t do a damn thing until “not sure” and “potentially lost” becomes “confident” and “definitely lost” if you are going to approach someone re likely stealing from you
But not sure how much money you gave around the home unless you are thinking someone might be stealing from you - is surely what home is about.

I have a housekeeping pot that I put all change and notes in so always got money to give to cleaner or for days when charity days at school or just need cash. I have no idea how much in there but it’s stuffed with coins and notes!

I certainly wouldn't accuse him.
You need to keep the relationship on an even keel.
I'd mention casually in conversation that his dad was moaning that he was missing money and how it has impacted him.
This is in case he did nick it and he can see the result of his thievery.

I'd be much more careful in future with money in the house.

If he took it :
Is he being bullied to hand over cash or things ?
Is using the cash to buy gift cards at the supermarket to use online.
Using drugs - Pills or cannabis ?
Alcohol for himself and friends - sneaking out at night ?
Gambling ?
Online Porn ?

I would wonder about bullying, if he doesn't go out much it would be hard to spend that much. Kids are excellent at hiding things especially around bullying as I found sadly found out. Go gently... Id discuss the £5 and PE note but watch and wait about anything else

My bet is that all the money is going on FIFA. It’s addictive. I had to ban my DS from it when he was younger. It’s the only issue we’ve ever had - to the tune of £480 (from my linked cc). It was a good lesson for us all.

Take his phone all you need to know will be on there. Go through with fine tooth comb. Check hea not gambling or being bullied.

I wouldn't accuse him of taking the money - I'd tell him that after what as happened you're both remembering other times that money has possibly gone missing and now wondering if he was involved. Tell him this is what happens when someone lies or steals, you start to question what else they have done and start to distrust them. Ask him if that's the sort of person he wants to be, to not be trusted. Then tell him the slate is wiped clean but he needs to make sure he doesn't repeat this mistake if he doesn't want to be that person.

Not if you work, self employed using cash, as we do. Frequently have £1,000’s in cash at home until we bank.

Probably gaming.

I never stole anything but I skived off PE all the time at high school, often by hiding in the loo. I also bunked off school to avoid it, and also to avoid geography because I hated the teacher. Got caught twice, but actually did it more than anyone ever knew! If I had thought I could get away with forging a letter to get out of PE, I would have done it.

And yet I was, in the eyes of all who knew me, a shy, quiet, good girl - my parents could hardly believe that I had skipped school twice. (If only they knew...) I was about 13 at the time. Early teens is a weird time, when you're just beginning to feel that you want to challenge the rules.

My eldest grandson was a stroppy little bugger when he was 15, having massive rows with his mum and doing very little at school. By the time he was 18, he was sensible and lovely. The chances are that your boy is going through the turmoil of adolescence and will grow out of it as he gets a bit older. I wouldn't accuse him of things you're not sure about, but try to find out if he is worried about anything.

I’m just thinking could it be bullying! You are saying that he was trying to get out of PE for few weeks is he getting bullied while getting changed for PE ie ( showers) is he being blackmailed! Drugs! You won’t know until you ask!

Quick update

no sign of ps5 spends, or money in room.

spoke with him last night, pe was because it’s gymnastics currently and he hates it… understandable but not right.

mentioned the money in general and he’s adamant it’s not him. Without any proof I have to believe him, or I risk damaging our relationship.

once his dad had gone I asked if there was anything else, he got really upset and told me he had lied about his recent maths test, and he’d only got 54%… was sobbing wee soul.. so we fixed that had a hug and that’s that.

will keep a closer eye and keep talking to him.

I think I would raise the other missing money - not as a direct 'you've definitely stolen this' but I think he is old enough to hear your thought processes.

You've found him out as both telling lies and stealing.

Other money has gone missing - that leads you to wonder if it could have been him.

Since he has stolen and he has lied... he has no moral high ground here, his previous actions are colouring your judgement and that is what life is like - people DO judge and form opinions based on your past actions and behaviour.

I would dig deeper into the forging a note to get off PE/Games - is he trying to avoid some particular sport, some team picking issue, something he finds embarrassing or.. is he trying to create an opportunity to bunk off with friends?

As far as the idea that he can't have taken the money to spend online - he could easily give it to friends and have THEM pay for things online or put money in his account or he could buy payment cards for various games, with cash, in shops.

He could also be spending it in shops on things for himself and his friends. He could be buying popularity, a lot of kids go through a phase of that!

you say he never goes out where is he spending the money. What are his friends like? Maybe he has gotten into something illegal which requires that much cash as a down payment. Forging letters to get out of school means he was ‘bunking’.
Another thing is does he feel deprived compared to his friends? Maybe he is stealing the money for materialist things. The possibilities are endless but it sounds like he’s having a melt down and there’s a deeper issue going on. Maybe it’s the pressure of being the star student

Could even be paying someone to complete his tests

You say his friends are nice, but do we ever know our kids friends really? Is there a chance he has a secret and being blackmailed? Have you considered if he is gay for example?

I would believe him about the money, there is a huge difference between a fiver and 400, though both are wrong.

The forging of notes is wrong but having done it a few times to get out PE in foul weather myself, I simply couldn't get worked up over it.

One of my daughters hated school swimming in a freezing pool and I just supplied notes.

I would keep a close eye on him, the lying about the maths result would concern me more.
He may need help with maths and be putting huge pressure on himself.

Best of luck.

@Chocbuttonsandredwine Im an only child of a single parent and I remember at that age putting a lot of pressure on myself to do my mum proud with my schoolwork because my success was her success (looking back, she would have been happy if I was happy but I didn’t think like that at the time).

I would let the money thing go but keep a wee eye.

But I would be thinking about how best to support your son going forward so he knows you love him regardless of school marks and that being a good person isn’t just about schoolwork.