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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice? I’m out of my depth…

180 replies

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 23/05/2022 22:55

Totally honest, posting here for traffic. Apologies:

ill try and keep it brief:

DS is 15, single parent although dad lives a close by and we have a fine relationship. No issues: no other kids. Wonderful kid, no problems, grade A’s, goes out to football, no where else.

last week I discovered that ds had taken £5 from my purse. He denied but eventually admitted. There was another £10
that was unaccounted for which he wouldn’t admit to. I was really shocked and disappointed as this was our first real “incident”. Tried to move on however after suitable punishment:

Parents evening tonight and it transpires he’s been caught forging a letter to pe teacher to excuse himself from PE and forging my signature: no idea why as he’s fit, plays football and enjoys sport. Teacher disappointed, as am I.

I speak to his dad about it (he knows about last weeks money), we chat and I say I do T really understand where any of this is come from. He’s got plenty of money in his bank, we have a good relationship and it’s just odd. And disappointing… blah blah

However, about 6 months ago I had some work done in the house. Took money out to pay builders and at the end was about £400 short. At the time I thought I’d over paid/miscounted. I mentioned this to his dad, and said that now it kinda throws an uncertainty over the money and he said that similar had happened at his house, and that money he’d been saving fo Holidays etc was potentially £1k down…. Although he couldn’t be certain. Neither of us are actually certain… but with everything else it all just seems a bit odd. And horrible. And I actually don’t know what to do. My lovely kind funny boy who’s a modal student and never been in any trouble at all is now looking like a liar, thief and god knows what else.

his dad is coming over tomorrow night so we can talk to him about it, he doesn’t know anything just know, I feel awful for suspecting him, and awful that he might have stolen £1400 from us. He never goes anywhere or does anything without us so I’ve got no actual clue where the Mike’s could be if it was him. I guess it might not be him… and then things are awful too.

its such a mess ☹️

OP posts:
CorsicaDreaming · 24/05/2022 00:07

If it was me I'd would ignore the money issue for now and just try to find out why he wanted to get out of PE for 4 weeks

Unless you're certain he took that much I agree with PP it would be v confrontational and damaging to accuse him of it - and can't see how you ask without sounding accusing. And it sounds you and exP are both a bit unsure on it.

If you can find out re PE the other money issue may slot into place anyway.

He could be bunking off to meet a girlfriend?

FavouritePi · 24/05/2022 00:30

What I'd question with the school is what period PE is and what happens when you have a note to excuse you? If it's last period, do they go home or do they go somewhere specific and is there a group of students who might be there that your son is intentionally trying to get out of lessons with? What is that group like? It might be worth asking his teacher this.

He could have fallen in with the wrong crowd and been convinced he was indebted to them. Or been buying stuff to show off his worth to the group. There aren't always outward signs of that until it's too late. However, it will escalate pretty quickly. Drugs, alcohol, gaming as a pp said can also go unnoticed easily.

I'm not sure if I could mention the £1,400 if neither of you are certain. I'd keep it in mind in case it builds a bigger picture in future.

If he has taken that sum, I doubt it would have been in one go unless he was desperate for something. Usually it'll be bit by bit and he won't even realise how much he's taken.

Anoooshka · 24/05/2022 01:03

I have a DS13 and have been reading about risky behaviour in teens. It seems like this is a thing that a lot of teens go through in order to learn more about themselves. Some teenagers smoke, some skip school, some will drive too fast, some have sex, etc. It sounds as though your son has a nice life, but maybe it's a bit boring for him and he's seeking new sensations.

Is there any activity you could take him to that would allow him to test himself and put himself in dangerous situations but in a supervised way? So, rock climbing, martial arts, or something similar?

InstaHun88 · 24/05/2022 02:09

Why did he want out of PE? Start there

MangyInseam · 24/05/2022 02:24

Yeah I would look more into the PE thing too, that seems very specific, especially for a kid who seems to enjoy it.

As far as the stealing, if that's what is going on, gaming seems like a possibility to me. You don't necessarily need to do it from a bank account, it may be that he was buying cards of some kind with the cash. I agree with the pp who said it would be possible to spend quite a lot in dribs and drabs without really realizing it. And gaming can be a serious addiction, a friend of mine's son is a gaming addict, and it's really quite serious.

If it's that, you can probably catch him if you keep close watch now that you suspect.

Tilltheend99 · 24/05/2022 02:31

Presuming he does online gaming, go into his Xbox/PlayStation account and check if he has been spending the money there. He could have used the cash to buy top up cards/vouchers so transactions wouldn’t show on bank account.

PlantSpider · 24/05/2022 02:57

FavouritePi · 24/05/2022 00:30

What I'd question with the school is what period PE is and what happens when you have a note to excuse you? If it's last period, do they go home or do they go somewhere specific and is there a group of students who might be there that your son is intentionally trying to get out of lessons with? What is that group like? It might be worth asking his teacher this.

He could have fallen in with the wrong crowd and been convinced he was indebted to them. Or been buying stuff to show off his worth to the group. There aren't always outward signs of that until it's too late. However, it will escalate pretty quickly. Drugs, alcohol, gaming as a pp said can also go unnoticed easily.

I'm not sure if I could mention the £1,400 if neither of you are certain. I'd keep it in mind in case it builds a bigger picture in future.

If he has taken that sum, I doubt it would have been in one go unless he was desperate for something. Usually it'll be bit by bit and he won't even realise how much he's taken.

This. Bullying or trying to fit in to avoid bullying.

expat101 · 24/05/2022 03:04

does he have a girlfriend who might be pressuring him for funds?

StinkyWizzleteets · 24/05/2022 03:06

The £1400 is yours and you’r ex’s
problem. You stored large amounts of cash precariously in the home, your ex isn’t even sure if he counted right and maybe the workmen helped themselves if they were in and out the house a lot? You have to write that off to experience and stop creating conspiracy. Accusing your son of that when you have no evidence other than your own poor accounting would Badly damage your relationships

There isn’t a teen alive who hasn’t taken a pound or a fiver from their parents without asking. It’s one of those things they need to get caught doing so you can have the conversation about it. You’ve done that and that’s the only thing you want to be bring up regarding money. It’s pushing boundaries, it’s not nice but it’s normal.

As for the PE letter, I don’t think I know a single person who didn’t fake a parents letter for something at school. I used to do it for
friends because I was great at forging handwriting. Mostly for people who didn’t enjoy PE or who wanted out of RE so claimed a dentist appointment. Nothing big. Not drugs or sex or bullying just kids being kids.

milkyaqua · 24/05/2022 03:16

Neither of us are actually certain…

The only certain thing is he helped himself to a fiver from your purse - to buy a sandwich? It's not exactly The Great Heist.

You, the adults, need to sort out your lax and lazy money storage/counting before you go blaming him for anything else.

lemmein · 24/05/2022 03:29

StinkyWizzleteets · 24/05/2022 03:06

The £1400 is yours and you’r ex’s
problem. You stored large amounts of cash precariously in the home, your ex isn’t even sure if he counted right and maybe the workmen helped themselves if they were in and out the house a lot? You have to write that off to experience and stop creating conspiracy. Accusing your son of that when you have no evidence other than your own poor accounting would Badly damage your relationships

There isn’t a teen alive who hasn’t taken a pound or a fiver from their parents without asking. It’s one of those things they need to get caught doing so you can have the conversation about it. You’ve done that and that’s the only thing you want to be bring up regarding money. It’s pushing boundaries, it’s not nice but it’s normal.

As for the PE letter, I don’t think I know a single person who didn’t fake a parents letter for something at school. I used to do it for
friends because I was great at forging handwriting. Mostly for people who didn’t enjoy PE or who wanted out of RE so claimed a dentist appointment. Nothing big. Not drugs or sex or bullying just kids being kids.

I agree. I wouldn't mention the money, nothing will be gained by it - he's unlikely to say 'aw yeah guys, I nicked over a grand from you both, soz'. He'll deny it regardless and your relationship will be damaged - if you have no proof what's the point?

Nicking a fiver is wrong, and certainly warrants consequences, but try not to escalate this into something it doesn't need to be.

The PE issue is concerning if he's normally quite sporty and hasn't spoken to you about not enjoying it. I'd definitely delve more into that - has his appearance or anything changed? Was the teacher certain he was forging a letter for himself and not another pupil? Id want to get to the bottom of that; I was forever forging my mams signature when I was a teen but it was for really boring reasons - a sporty kid not wanting to do sport for a month for no apparent reason would worry me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/05/2022 04:12

That's quite disturbing.
It seems like an odd coincidence that you and his Dad should both think you've lost/miscounted money, and it not be related to your son - so I think that's the most likely explanation.
Do you have access to his phone/devices? Might be worth a ferret around, starting with his permission, to find out if there is any evidence of him spending that amount - might not be drugs (you'd usually notice, although not always) but might be buying "gifts" for other kids, either because of bullying or to curry favour - but it needs to stop.

And you and his dad both need to stop leaving money where he can access it! But you know that now, of course.

I'd also be wanting to know why he wanted out of PE for the next 4 weeks - what FOR? Is he planning on smoking behind the bike sheds with other kids? Or what?

TheGetaway · 24/05/2022 04:33

It’s a tricky one OP.
I think I remember you posting about the missing £400

i would approach this carefully

sashh · 24/05/2022 05:35

Does he have a great life?

On paper I would have read as similar to your son, I stole because I was actually miserable. My mum was great at talking to me, but she never listened, it was always her way.

Listen to your DS.

Something is happening, drugs, gambling, giving money to a) a bully or b) a friend for some reason.

Or he might just have saved it up and it is in his room.

Or he might just be rebelling.

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 24/05/2022 05:39

You can’t accuse him of stealing anything when there’s no proof

maybe stop leaving cash lying around so carelessly

all you can talk to him about is the other stuff re school

Rosehugger · 24/05/2022 06:01

I think the best thing is to talk to him. It's probably a control/pushing boundaries/tiny rebellion thing. I was generally a very good student but experimented with bunking off lessons with a friend at times.

I find sometimes we have the best discussions while I'm driving - something about being side by side but not face to face.

CiderJolly · 24/05/2022 06:05

It’s hard being a teen and we don’t always know our kids as well as we think we do.

I wouldn’t be aghast at wanting to skip PE- both my older boys love sport but hate the PE changing rooms- it’s a really self-conscious age isn’t it? I used to often forge my mum’s letters for things like this in school- she knew, she couldn’t be bothered to write the letter. If all else is well I couldn’t get worked up too much about any of this.

I would talk to him about the stealing in regards to the fiver only. For whatever reason he doesn’t feel like he can be honest with you and that’s what I’d want to get to the bottom of.

crochetmonkey74 · 24/05/2022 06:05

For those pps saying she can't talk to him about the missing money, she can talk to him about whatever she wants! He doesn't rule the house.
I think the 4 weeks is the thing to start with and work from there. I personally would mention the missing money from you and dad, not as an accusation but as a family matter. As his parents, you'll be able to feel or see if there's anything he was involved in there

HeatherShiver · 24/05/2022 06:07

Is he being bullied OP?
My year 7 son is good at sport but hates PE dues to changing room bullying.
It's been addressed with school now but he still hates PE due to this having happened/risk of it happening.

Maurepas · 24/05/2022 06:20

Perhaps he's saving up for a Maserati so needs to steal!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/05/2022 06:20

is he alone in the house ?
do you come home from work and he is at home?
it could be anything, bullies, drugs

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/05/2022 06:21

what are his friends like?

Icelandicsox · 24/05/2022 06:25

I think the £1400 actually could be a coincidence. I think you had already explained to yourself where your £400 went and a man who squirrels money away in socks could definitely commit an accounting error like counting a sock twice.

Trying to truant PE for 4 weeks is a more troubling development though and if the attempt was genuine rather than the letter writing being a carry on/trying to impress his peers/etc then this is what you might be better focusing on.
Its doesn't necessarily mean he's up to something terrible and his life is ruined (I did some similar stuff myself as stupid teen and I'm a pillar of the community these days) but he might be signalling things are not all well.

onelittlefrog · 24/05/2022 06:37

If he has stolen the money, the much bigger concern than you accusing/ not accusing him, how much he stole etc, is what he might be doing with it. That's what you need to get to the bottom of.

From what you've said about your son, I would suggest the only possible thing he could be spending this money on is gaming/ gambling or potentially online pornography.

Check out this website, it's a support for parents whose children may be gaming/ gambling. See if any of the signs of potential harm could match up with your son.

parents.ygam.org/

Darbs76 · 24/05/2022 06:39

I also wouldn’t outright accuse him of stealing the large amounts. I stole money out of my mums purse quite often, a pound here and there. Also some of the 50p’s for the electricity meter. For me it was to spend on sweets, and later cigarettes and alcohol. My mum never found out, as it was only ever small amounts. I do feel quite bad about it in hindsight. A friends daughter stole a lot of family jewellery as a teen. She is nearly 30 now and like me I’m sure she feels bad about it. What I’m trying to say is it’s quite normal. The thousands though, that’s something else