To ask for advice? I’m out of my depth…

[Chocbuttonsandredwine]

Totally honest, posting here for traffic. Apologies:

ill try and keep it brief:

DS is 15, single parent although dad lives a close by and we have a fine relationship. No issues: no other kids. Wonderful kid, no problems, grade A’s, goes out to football, no where else.

last week I discovered that ds had taken £5 from my purse. He denied but eventually admitted. There was another £10
that was unaccounted for which he wouldn’t admit to. I was really shocked and disappointed as this was our first real “incident”. Tried to move on however after suitable punishment:

Parents evening tonight and it transpires he’s been caught forging a letter to pe teacher to excuse himself from PE and forging my signature: no idea why as he’s fit, plays football and enjoys sport. Teacher disappointed, as am I.

I speak to his dad about it (he knows about last weeks money), we chat and I say I do T really understand where any of this is come from. He’s got plenty of money in his bank, we have a good relationship and it’s just odd. And disappointing… blah blah

However, about 6 months ago I had some work done in the house. Took money out to pay builders and at the end was about £400 short. At the time I thought I’d over paid/miscounted. I mentioned this to his dad, and said that now it kinda throws an uncertainty over the money and he said that similar had happened at his house, and that money he’d been saving fo Holidays etc was potentially £1k down…. Although he couldn’t be certain. Neither of us are actually certain… but with everything else it all just seems a bit odd. And horrible. And I actually don’t know what to do. My lovely kind funny boy who’s a modal student and never been in any trouble at all is now looking like a liar, thief and god knows what else.

his dad is coming over tomorrow night so we can talk to him about it, he doesn’t know anything just know, I feel awful for suspecting him, and awful that he might have stolen £1400 from us. He never goes anywhere or does anything without us so I’ve got no actual clue where the Mike’s could be if it was him. I guess it might not be him… and then things are awful too.

its such a mess ☹️

If it's just the £5 and the letters re PE, then that's really normal behaviour. I used to forge notes from my mum all the time. PE used to cause me so much anxiety and humiliation, I would do anything to get out of it! A bit of understanding might be a good idea. I find it hard to believe he could steal over £1k unless he has some type of addiction to gambling/online games or drugs. Surely you would have noticed this? If you accuse him and you're wrong you'll cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

As a teen I used to look in my parents coat pockets for a spare couple pounds for extra food at school/treats etc. I never at the time really considered it stealing. I would never have considered taking a large sum of cash though. Perhaps like me as a teen he has poor boundaries and was a bit naive? Teenagers are notorious for being impulsive.

I would be concerned about the stealing alongside PE note forging though. It seems he is hiding something. Lead with empathy and concern. Being a teen was the loneliest time of my life and I felt no one understood me. Give plenty of opportunities for connection. Good luck op x

You need to get to the bottom of it without accusations. He might be being bullied or pressured into handing over cash to someone else. Forging a letter for PE also sounds like it’s come from peer pressure.

Thanks for the replies. Have hardly slept a wink:

dont think he’s being bullied, as he seems as happy and as normal as ever, but again can’t be certain. His friends are all nice, as far as I know:

hes not in the house for huge amounts of time, and not set days as I work from home 2-3 days a week but not usually same days.

one thing that stood out is gaming, he has ps5 here and at his dads and spends a lot of time on it, in kitchen/diner not bedroom… I’ve asked his dad to check spending as he could be buying cards during the day and adding to account:

will have a further think today, his dad is coming round tonight. He doesn’t know we know about pe, the teacher is going to put note in an envelope for him to bring home… be interesting to see if he gives it to me

thanks for advice, it’s such a mine field, the most I’ve had to deal with so far is eating too many sweets or staying up too late

Wouldn’t say he’s vulnerable, goes to nice ish Catholic school in nice ish part of Scotland, very boring suburbia 😂

am aware I could be being incredibly naive however:

It could well be related to online gaming I think. Teenage boys can be obsessed with their Xboxes/PS5s! I literally have to prise my son away from his some nights. He comes down in the mornings playing games on his phone too. 🙈

sorry you haven’t slept, I’d be the same. Hope you get to the bottom of it x

With the internet, if he has a phone, it doesn't matter where he lives - all teenagers are vulnerable to a degree.

However, as you've mentioned PS5, that is the most likely thing he'll be spending money on if anything.

Check his accounts and maybe make him put your email address on the account instead of his own. That way you will know what he's buying and when he tops up. These things can get out of control and some kids spend £1000's on Fifa content etc.

I was that kid of divorced parents who stole money.
Why? It wasn’t because I wanted stuff after all I couldn’t really let my parents see it or they would have questioned where I had got things.
It was because what I really wanted was to be part of a family have my mum and dad together again. I couldn’t actually say that to my parents so this was a way of stopping that funny pain inside. Not that it actually worked.

I think I'd talk to him about the PE incident and say nothing about the money .But I'm afraid I would lay a trap/put temptation in his way and see what happens .Will need to be subtle though .

Is he being menaced for money at school?
Trying to get out of pe too seems odd unless there is someone he's trying to avoid?

Write off the £1400, don't accuse him if you're not sure. Have a gentle conversation about the £5 and PE notes and leave it at that. You can then monitor it going forward. I did these things as a teenager and have turned out well 😀
I have no idea why I took money from my parents' wallets, but I remember a year or so later I put money back in again as I felt so guilty. They never said anything but must have been so confused! And I hated PE, constantly wrote notes and forged mum's signature.

So when you had both mislaid money your initial thought wasn't your son?

Why was that?

Do you have other people in & out the house who know where you keep money?

If first thought was that it was an error on your own parts I don't see how you can say anything to him.

Stop leaving money about & take away that temptation!

if you can get him to open up to you he might admit other things, but i wouldnt accuse

If he has taken that money it isn't 'just' he's saved it (it's not his) or 'just' rebelling!

What games does he play? Some are stand alone but online multi player have in game purchases and if you want to you can spend thousands. He would have to convert actual money in to currency to be used online. You can buy cards for cash for PlayStation points or whatever their called in store, I have an Xbox so not sure what they are actually called. On Xbox I can bring up a list of every purchase ever made and a linked email account linked also sends a msg for every purchase ever made. I assume PS has something similar.

If he’d spent money online there would be a digital trail. TBH I’d check that, but without his knowledge. It’s unlikely he’d have shifted £1400 cash without you noticing he was spending more on stuff.

I’d calmly explain that unfortunately the trust is broken now which means you’ll have to keep a closer eye on him and is there anything else he wants to tell you while we’re being honest? Hopefully he’ll be upfront. You tend to get a feeling of whether they are telling fibs.

I agree with pps that it isn’t a good idea to accuse him over the larger sums of missing money, as neither of you are sure what is or is not missing. It is strange that both of you are thinking it could be him though, why is that ? Just because of the fiver, or is there something else ? As his reason for taking the £5 adds up, and he may not have thought much of it at the time.
Also agree that many teenagers have taken things at some point and don’t turn to crime later. As your DS has everything he needs, IF he is taking more money then there is obviously something going on that he wants to keep secret from you.
In your place I would leave some money around and keep a very close eye on it. If he takes it then you know he is involved in something that he wants to hide, and you then need to find out what. Bullying being the most likely, gaming a close second by the sound of it ? (I know nothing about gaming as my teenage dds don’t play).
I hope he is ok. Obviously stealing is not good, but the why is the bigger issue by far.

I agree with the poster who said taking £5 from your purse and forging a letter to get out of PE are fairly standard stuff for teenagers. I forged more than one PE letter when I was about 14/15, I didn't like PE and wanted to sit it out with a friend who also had an excuse letter.

It would be jumping to huge conclusions to think he took the £1400. You and your husband both sound lax about money, if you keep a lot of money in the house you need to keep better tabs on it.

It seems unlikely he's being bullied or spending on an undesirable habit, because you say he has plenty of his own money he could use.

This is good advice. I just read the most heartbreaking story about a 17yr old who completed suicide. An online criminal posed as a girl and groomed him. They then sent nudes and asked him to send nudes of himself back. Once they had the photos, they then demanded $5k or they would post the photos online and email them to his school and family to see. The poor boy said he didn’t have the money and begged them not to do it. He tried to take money from his Uni savings account but his parents stopped him. He never told his parents what was happening because he was too frightened. He saw no way out and killed himself. Apparently, these scams are called sextortion and are becoming more common danger online for teens.

Its very rare, but if by bad luck OPs son is the victim of a similar blackmail scam online, accusing him of stealing and going on about broken trust would not be the right way to support a child in such a position.

You need to be sure you know what is going on in his life.

He plays fifa and such like so plenty of opportunity for buying additional stuff.

neither of us suspected him, neither of us knew that they other had lost money, it’s inky now other stuff has come to light that a) it was mentioned and b) we are starting to question things a little more.

im not sure whether the £1000 from him was in one hit, probably not, he’d been saving bits of money up, so it could have been £100 over a number of weeks. Or he could just be crap at counting:

Agree we’ve both been lax with money, my lesson was learnt after builder incident. However I had hoped I wouldn’t have to hide my purse: 🥲

will try and not think about it today, will speak tonight about the pe letter and see how the conversation goes.

i don’t know his passwords for email or pa5 log in but would agree there could be a trail there, couldn’t do it without him knowing I don’t think however.

actually hate thinking this about him. It’s been me and him since he was 5, we genuinely are a great wee team, and up until last week I’d have trusted him more than any other person alive. The rest of his parents evening was great, full marks, pleasure to teach, well liked and funny, talks too much. The same stuff that I’ve been hearing for 12 years from teachers.

a big pet of me just wants to bury head in the sand and forget it all but I know I’d be doing him a disservice as it’s my job to look after him and keep him safe:

thanks all so much. It’s been really helpful having lots of anonymous advice…. Didn’t want to talk to my friends/parents about this:

bloody teenagers eh

Why does he want to miss PE for 4 weeks if he likes sport? Changing rooms can be rife with bullying in some schools (minimal adult supervision) and demanding money from other boys can be common? That might be a link? Blackmail? Photos been taken?
Just a thought.

Have you searched his room?

I agree with @Discovereads

Don't accuse him of the big stuff. Just be watchful.

Also I'd check his room for drugs while he is out as why would he want such a large sum if he did take it. Don't let him know tho.

Actually OP can and probably should. In fact a little bit of that Parent Planning and a whole load of guilt, PA crap can be dropped on his head. No matter how much more he has actually done he needs to see that one lie about one small miscreant act and his reputation can be shattered. In the real world, once fully grown, that is a life lesson well learned.

OP can explain that having caught him stealing from her purse and lying about it she and his dad now can't rest easy about money that went missing earlier. That they cannot believe he did take it but are sad to think that he might have. That they will now have to change their habits, set up their homes like a bank vault, live in a way that they are not comfortable with, think thoughts about him that they really don't like. Because he has been shown to be a petty thief and a liar and they have no idea how long he has been like that.

Would he like to come clean about anything so they can all draw a line under this and get on with their lives more normally!

Is there anything he neeed the money for? What does he think he is missing out on? Was he just bored?

Ignoring this, not having that conversation is a ridiculous idea. "There's no proof" is a childish way of seeing this. As is "you shouldn't leave money lying around". People should be able to live in their homes without a light fingered family member helping themselves. It is his behaviour that is wrong and, if he is to figure that out before it causes him adult life issues, his parents have to do their parenting job!

I would put a post it in my purse saying "why are you taking money out of my purse please ask me for money, instead"

Then if he does take it he knows you are into him. If he doesn't take it he won't be any the wiser.

Your ex could do similar with his wallet and savings sock!

You could even put something on the post it about leaving it on the kitchen counter if he wants to talk about it and does not know how?