My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

Hating confrontation is not a good trait. Start practicing answering back. Or go no contact with him.

I wouldn't spend another minute with him and would block him on your phone.
Its time for your parents to step up and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable

You can cut him out of you life. Just because he’s your brother doesn’t mean you have to take this shit from him.
I would cancel going and never speak to him again.

Just don’t go. Or make sure you can leave quickly if he starts. No way would I put myself through this.

Once the get together is done, you never have to see or speak to him again. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you are obligated to put up with him - you can stop being in touch with him. He sounds dreadful

Don't attend the family event. You need to go no contact he is an outright wanker. Nothing is going to change him, yoy answering back isn't going to change him. Just don't attend anything he does.

I have a brother like that and my solution, in the past few years, is to just not see him. This does mean I miss out on some family get togethers but the rest of the family are fully aware of what he's like.

Its horrible but temember, its HIM not YOU. You've done so well to make so much of yourself, don't let one nasty unhappy person bring you down.

Yep as the others have said just don't go to events where he is going to be

yup. Tell your parents that you won't be going and why and cut your brother out of your life.

Well either push back or run away. What have you got to lose? Just shout “rude” whenever he is and laugh with your husband.

You don't have to go. You don't have to see him again. You don't have to continue having a relationship with this evil swine just because he is your brother.

Hi OP.

Firstly, hugs 🤗.

I have an older brother like this. I've been through periods where he cut me off, and periods where he has been in contact. He's nice for a while, but always returns to vile.

I could type a long story here, but the upshot is that he doesn't like me, he doesn't respect me, he doesn't listen to anything I say, he sees only what he wants to see - his little (42 year old ) sister as a pathetic, less than human being that he can look down on.

So, I cut him off. Finally and for good. I realised that he was never going to like me, and I was getting nothing but pain from trying to keep a relationship with him. Earlier this year I blocked his number, his emails, deleted any link to social media accounts, and the relief is overwhelming. It felt mean and weird at first, but now I am confident that I never actually want to speak to him again.

He is also a deeply unhappy person, but I didn't cause that and I can't fix that. Neither can you - but you can walk away from him.

Be honest, would you accept this behaviour from a friend. Most likely not. To be honest I would cut contact and not attend the family event and I would let everyone know why. I would block your brother. Please don't let your son see his Mom being treated like this. Remember just because they are family they cannot treat you badly.

Do not attend the family event. Do not attend any kind of event if you feel that you will leave that event feeling awful about yourself. You owe this to yourself.

You say that your parents are aware of his behaviour, so explain to them separately why you will not be attending and that it is not anything to do with them. Then just do not turn up.

Arrange to go and see your parents separately, or the other family member you were due to see this week. If they ask why tell them you have no wish to spend time with your brother. I haven't spoken or seen mine for 22 years. It's blissful!

you could say something like "We're adults now, you do understand I never HAVE to see you or speak to you again, right?"

You are not responsible for his happiness and you have no obligations towards him whatsoever. He is bullying you and you're totally within your rights to cut contact. Given that you're feeling so awful about this upcoming family event, how would you feel if you didn't go? If it's overwhelming relief, mixed with guilt, don't go. Guilt is telling you that those are expectations others put on you and you don't have to act on it. In fact, you shouldn't. It's just a sign post. Focus on the relief, block him on everything and ignore the flying monkeys that are bound to come your way.

If anyone asks, you can tell them the truth. You don't have to protect him. He is horrible to you and you won't put up with it anymore.

Sometimes silence can be your biggest friend.

Typical 'confrontation' is not always needed.

Everytime he makes a bullying comment, look him dead in the eye for a few seconds so he know you heard him, and then simply walk away. Everytime, just hold his gaze, and walk away.

Bullies thrive off making others feel worse, to make themselves feel better. If you look at him dead faced, straight in the eye and then show no emotion or no response - your regaining the power he is trying to take from you.

Its the non-confrontational way of saying 'fuck you and your thoughts, they mean so little i dont feel the need to respond'. He will soon sense your confidence, and i assume try to ramp up his techniques, as all bullies do. But consistency is key.

Don't go. Don't see him. He sounds absolutely vile, and there is no reason you should feel you have to put yourself through this. Tell your parents why you're not going, and see them separately ftlm now on.

Personally, if it were me, I'd quite like to tell him that I never ever wanted to see him again because he's a massive dickhead. But as you don't like confrontation, you can just not turn up and you won't need to give him a reason.

My brother utterly destroyed my confidence by bullying me all my life. My mother allowed him to from when I was tiny. She scapegoated me for all that was wrong in her life. I finally went grey rock with him. The relief was unbelievable. I'm so much happier and now have space to work on feeling better. Read how to go grey rock. It's so empowering.

Everytime he makes a nasty personal comment I would look at him with pity and ask 'DB, why are you so unhappy with your life that you have to take it out on others?'

Is finally splitting from his partner

Good. Someone else is escaping from his abusive clutches.

You can do it too.

The best thing to do is cut contact, if for whatever reason you can't do that, just remember that you are happy with you life and have worked hard to he where you are today. Your brother on the other hand is a very sad angry little man and I dread to imagine how he was with his ex.
You also need to remember that you are a lot stronger than you think.

"Yet my brother can make me crumble"

Sorry, but I had to giggle at that. Ask him to make you trifle instead 😉

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

You cope by deciding that your DH doesn't need to be involved, your DS doen't need to hear any of it and so obviously, neither do you.

Your DB is blatantly an unhappy man. I doubt you caused that, being such an ineffectual little woman and all. So you have 2 choices:

Find a sentence, a stance, that you can use every single time he does this. Nothing OTT just a wide eyed stare and a smile will do it.

Or, if that feels like too much, you are scared of his reaction, just forget him. Block him. Don't contact him. Tell your parents that you have had enough, they know what he is like and you can't carry on, your DS, their grandchild, won't be brought up hearing such crap. You will see them separately.

If your parents can't protect you, have never tried, and your DB won't stop then you have to act for yourself, and your nuclear family.