My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

My DB has acted like a bully towards me all his life. He carries around so much spite, jealousy and anger with him. Like your DB he appears successful and charming but is a deeply unpleasant deluded liar and cheat.

After he split from my fab SIL (following another affair) we sided with her and went NC with him. It's been a peaceful 5 years since we heard a peep from him although I imagine I'll have to deal with him again in the future when DM passes.

Why did you let him complete a phone call? After the first insult you should have cut him off (or slammed the phone if it was a landline). Stop allowing yourself to be his verbal punchbag.

This.

my brother is my father on another level. Haven’t spoken to him for 30 years don’t miss him.

my daughter met him and his daughters on a family holiday at my parents house abroad. His daughter (1 year older than mine) lost her pen and accused my daughter - he ripped her apart until she was crying - absolute shit. His daughter later admitted she had broken her pen and put it in the bin and blamed my daughter as she didn’t want to get into trouble.

my daughter came home and said ‘I met uncle x and he’s really not nice’ then she told me what had happened. She hasn’t seen him since and I don’t blame her - her was the same as a child. Hasn’t sent me or my daughter or son a Christmas or birthday card in 30 years and the first words out of his mouth on a conversation a year ago - tell C I love her - no you don’t you don’t know my daughter

Please go non contact. My mother had abusive family members who totally destroyed her and she continued letting them back into her life for a long time. They hurt her again and again before she eventually went no contact. The period before she cut them out was very distressing for me, and had knock on effects into my adulthood. I'm so sorry that your brother is so awful. Don't see him again. You dont have to.

I agree that this was very insensitive and like something a child would say.

Thanks @DFOD and apologies for my crudeness. That's really helpful to me actually as my DS has been witness to my family upsetting me to the point of me crying and being quite distressed.

Advice appreciated and noted.

Explain clearly to your DM that you aren't going to the party and suggest an alternate celebration without your odious brother present. Go completely NC.

Don't go!
Celebrate with your mother another time.
Your parents enable his abuse of you so cannot complain that you protect yourself and your dc.
Don't give the fucker the satisfaction.

I still wouldn't go to the party op. Cut him out if your life. Anything he's at, don't attend. Your dp enable him, so don't be around them when he's there. Block and cut all contact, little contact is too much

He sounds like my brother. Confrontational. From teens all the way up.
Our parents are dead. I don't see him and haven't for a while.

And yes, his wife left him too.

I've been listening to a really interesting podcast where a guy called Simon Sinek is talking to Steven Bartlett. It looks at how we will put up with anything rather than have a difficult conversation. You might find it useful - and here on Spotify.

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

"Bro, I'm sorry you are unhappy but I am no longer tolerating your bullying" - & WALK AWAY.

The first time will be scary.
Especially as your parents seem to have led the way by never challenging his unpleasant behaviour.
However - you know they are aware of it, so at least you are not trapped in the too-common ('golden child') dynamic of parents refusing to 'see' bad behaviour.

It will feel scary but look at it this way - you are scared NOW - & if you keep doing what you have always done by allowing him to bully you - you will always be scared.

When you first stand up to him, it is important that you walk away.
This will stop you from getting sucked into further abuse or JADE -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

If he follows you looking to make a fight out of it - repeat your short sentence -
(broken record technique)
"Bro, I'm sorry you are unhappy but I am no longer tolerating your bullying" - & WALK AWAY.

If he follows you a second time - go & stand right next to somebody else & say it again.

You CAN do this OP.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Your parents enable him, so they’re complicit. I wouldn’t go. If you really think you must, tell your Dh to defend you and use some of the more adult advice eg tell him he’s boring you and what an unhappy little man he must be to constantly want to be so negative about others. No wonder his partner is leaving him.

What a vile person, and if your parents are witnessing the way he speaks to you and are letting him get away with it, then they are just as bad. I certainly wouldn't be feeling any obligation to attend the party of someone who is enabling your abuser, mother or not.
Why would you want to risk your children witnessing their mum being abused like this? Remove him from your life OP, before he does any more damage.

Wow, he sounds like a very, very unhappy person. My guess is he has nothing in his life except work but he actually hates that.

I wouldn’t go. Also, you say you have a daughter. I wouldn’t allow someone who is such an unabashed misogynist anywhere near my daughter (or my sons for that matter).

I voted that you are unreasonable only because you don't stick up for yourself. Just tell him to fuck off and give the family event a miss. explain why to other family if you have to but you don't have to have a relationship with him and he sounds awful. He's not worth your tears lovely.

You have to decide.

Ignore it. Let it slide.

Make a joke/game of it.

Rule that you go no contact with him.

The key to happiness in life is ceasing this whole 'ughh what should I doooo?' thing and moving to the 'right, what do I do?' thing...

Realise that you eradicate so much mess when you

make a decision
implement it

Pick an approach with your brother. Stick to it.

Ignore it. Let it slide.
anytime he makes any comment you either ignore or change the subject.

"hey sarah, your dress is shit"

*thanks mark, how's the dog?"

irrelevant is fine. he may go 'what dog?!' you just say 'so you're well?'

you're cutting off his source of instant gratification.

Make a joke/game of it.

"hey sarah, your dress is shit"

"i know right! lol i like looking stupid. how you been?"

You're cutting off his source.

Rule that you go no contact with him.

just don't go anywhere he will be.

It's a shame he's so sad but it's not his right to take that out on you.

There is absolutely no point staying in contact with this man.

Your brother sounds like a bully but also like a committed misogynist. 'Typical woman' etc.

Well, I’m channeling my DM in saying this, here, but I suspect he’s jealous of you. He is also a misogynist dimwit. Calmly correcting his stereotyping each time; asking deadpan what is wrong with having children; asking him when he became a qualified teacher as he appears to be an expert....you get the idea. Good luck!

I do love my big brother, but he can be an obnoxious bellend at times, and he knows EXACTLY the buttons to press to piss me off/upset me if he wants to. (and i can do the same to him.. we annoy the crap out of each other)
The difference between you and I, is i have always stood up for myself because he's my brother, and i've been giving as good as i got since we were little.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is either ask your DH to step in, or just look your brother straight in the eye and tell him to "Shut the fuck up, no-one asked for, or cares about your opinion"

or something like someone said upthread "Who asked you?" "Do you ever shut up?" "Some people would think you're just rude.. you're not just rude, you're a dickhead as well!" and the mumsnet classic "Did you mean to be so fucking rude?"

I once really upset my brother when he was being REALLY obnoxious.. i told him the reason no-one likes him is because he's a self centered, selfish arsehole.

After the four days, (if you have to really go, which i wouldn't if you don't!) just go low/no contact. You don't have to put up with his shit.

You do realise that you don't have to go to this family event, you don't have to put up with him speaking to you like that and that you don't have to even tolerate him in your life at all?

I hope you are getting some kind of counselling.

You have over come so many challenges in your life, why would accept such appalling treatment from someone that just happens to be your brother? You wouldn’t accept this from a friend, surely, then why are you taking it from him? Just don’t go. You don’t have to please anyone any longer other than your self. Put your self first