My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

• sorry, posted too early - it would be great if you could find it in you to push back yourself at your mum's birthday. It would be a shame if you went only out of sense of obligation, full of dread. You have a right to be there and enjoy your mum's company.

It's hard to break the patterns of decades but you know you are right and he is just horrid. How about you tell him up front not to speak to you unless he has something nice to say? And if he is still nasty to you, as is likely, say 'you're rude' and walk away.

Other than that, do what is good for you and if that means going NC, so be it.

I have a brother just like this but worse!
All the people commenting to stand up for your self and answer back have no clue what having a sibling like this is like. Answering back would make this much worse and the insults more harsh.
You need to go no contact. I have been for 6 years now and it’s such a weight off my shoulders.

1. You wouldn't know much about teaching. You'd have to impart something worth listening to.

2. I was delirious with relief that he didn't come out looking like you.

3. You're a typical neanderthal. More hair than brains, make more noise than sense and thankfully almost extinct. (The implication being that he is the last of the species, I know they are actually extinct lol)

4. Why are you talking like a cunt? Stop talking with your arse!

5. What the fuck do you know about me? You never shut the fuck up long enough.

6. And yet I'm still happier than you...

Or alternatively to why are you talking like a retard just say you're adapting to your audience.

Congratulations for having a good life with a worthwhile career and your own family to focus on
Honestly just stop seeing him ,speaking to him and giving him power over you
Miss this meet up
I know easier said than done but think of what you are showing your child is acceptable
Good luck

I would not go and I would tell my parents exactly why. Then I would go NC with your disgusting bully of a brother. Life is too short to be treated like this

Great minds think alike.. was going to say the same. tell him to fuck off and as for your parents they are allowing his behaviour. Let your husband deal with him. He is a nasty bully.

I just wouldn't go. I've been NC with my brother for 5y and it's been so liberating. He's like this but snide, with a terrible temper. My DPs enable him, although they often drop contact for a bit. Both hate that I refuse to have anything to do with him but I've stood my ground with DHs full support and they've given up pushing now. The thing is, he isn't going to change. He's horrible, but you are an adult and you don't have to take this from anyone. I'd just ring your mum and tell her. Say no, no thank you, I don't want to hear it any more.

How has it come to pass that you've just allowed your brother to walk all over you like this? You say he used to be nice, why couldn't you ever challenge him and just tell him to stop being such a shit?

I think it's really sad you're getting so upset about this that you're seriously considering missing your mother's party than just tell him to shut the fuck up talking to you like a piece of shit.

I appreciate you don't like confrontation, but most people have to step outside of their comfort zone sometimes, and confronting your brother - over the phone if you like - would be a good start to getting a backbone and maybe repairing your relationship.

I cringed at this. What on Earth were you thinking?!

I’d make the next family event that I attended at the same time as him, his funeral.
And even that, I probably wouldn’t!
Not just mouthing off online… I have seen my brother for 30 years. Arsehole is as arsehole does.

Gosh, why did she never think of just standing up for herself all these years? That would have solved it straight away!

I don’t think you’ve been in this family dynamic. Standing up to him would lead to a huge shouting match - in front of the DC - and would not stop it from happening again.

if she’s going to stand up to him it will have to be slowly, patiently and calmly, over a prolonged period during which she only sees him for short times in a neutral setting and preferably with the parents nowhere near.

He is toxic. Cut him off until he's willing to change.

Ideally, don't go, don't be around him, but I realise that is easy to say and not easy to do.

If you must be around him - ensure that YOU get to choose when you leave, whether thats you being the driver, or ensuring your partner is on side so that when you say 'we're leaving' they immediately facilitate that, up to you.

My dad used to do some of what your brother does to you - he would make vile comments to me in front of other people because he thought it made him look funny and clever and got him attention - I mean it DID get him attention, he just never noticed that it was looks of horror from other people.

I picked a response, a simple one as I was never going to get away with a lengthy statement like 'why are you so mean you must be a very sad little person'... that would be 'oh you are being over sensitive'.

So I went with 'Rude!' and getting up and leaving. Every. Single. Time.

The behaviour did in fact reduce, occasionally it pops up again but we're talking once in six months rather than several times each time we saw him.

My sister also had some unpleasant habits - particularly, ringing me to witter at me without asking if I was in the middle of something or busy and then working round to being rude to me. She's especially fond of asking me something then interrupting me!

At the first hint of her not listening or being rude, I would just hang up.

Again, the behaviour has reduced significantly.

You won't FIX people like this, you won't change who they are - but you can, by controlling YOUR reaction to their behaviour, change their behaviour towards YOU.

You're right. I haven't been in this situation, because if my brother was a cunt to me I'd tell him to stop being a cunt to me.

You can't categorically say what would or wouldn't happen if she stood up to him - regardless, she has a phone and could call him. I disagree that he needs a 'prolonged period in a neutral setting' to deal with it - he's not a child that needs a softly softly approach. Obviously she's not going to incite an argument on the phone but just getting across that she won't tolerate the abuse anymore would a step in the right direction.

OP has clearly been the boiled frog in this situation.

Well he sounds like the most colossal cunt OP. Just never ever see or speak to him again. And if there are any more "family gatherings" mooted, just ask if your bro is invited and if he is say "then I'm afraid I and my family won't be coming, because (brother) is invariably incredibly nasty to me, as you very well know and I'm done with it Happy to see you at another time seperately to celebrate your birthday/marriage/hamster's christening with you."

He always gets away with it.

Because no-one has ever challenged him, and he has been allowed to get away with it.

I would avoid seeing him and block him everywhere.

But what does not tolerating it actually involve? She only has one consequence with a grown adult to walk away - might as well cut to the chase - and avoid exposing herself to his wrath yet again. Clearly his long term partner/wife couldn’t tolerate his behaviour and has concluded that walking away is the only option / consequence.

However I would be firmer with your DPs - they have thrown you and your DCs under the bus to selfishly to save their own discomfort. They have really let you down repeatedly.

Practice this: hand up as in “stop” Your brother speaks to you you hold up your hand and say your choice of phrase “not now” “ not listening” Always use the same phrase. No more, no less. Walk away.
Then after the family party go nc.

I actually did call the police on my abusive bullying/violent brother 9 years older who started hitting me from a young age about 9, my parents turned a blind eye. Effected my confidence all my life and married to escape him. Even after being married for 20 years kept phoning making threats. I believe he has undiagnosed autism and mental health problems who knows? He is a nasty bully even in his 60s I have very little contact with him now.

Learn a few comebacks that you would realistically say and practise practise practise in the mirror, close your eyes, confidently, calmly and flatly, unemotionally imagine yourself saying it.

A few options

"No"

"I see things differently from you"

"Hm, I see"

"You mean, in your opinion..."

All the very best

I think that you should speak to your parents and explain why you won't be joining them at the family celebration. Don't get into an argument over it. Just repeat a brief, explanatory sentence about your brother's consistently vile behaviour and your refusal to be harassed by him ever again. Arrange another date to visit. Inform them that if they tell brother that you are visiting on that date, and he turns up, you will leave immediately and not return.
You have made a good life for yourself and your family. Don't jeopardise it now.
Best wishes. ❤

You are not responsible for your brothers behaviour he’s just a miserable bully and he gets away with it because you don’t stand up for yourself, You have children what would you advise them under these circumstances?

I’m so sorry OP 🌺🌺 do you want to go to the get-together? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. And if you do, can you stay somewhere else away from your family and brother? Also, I wonder if you’ve ever had therapy/thought about having therapy, to help you recover from what your brother has put you through. Wishing you all the best 🌺

I find standing up to bullies can make them back off. I don't mean you should risk being outright nasty back, which could set him off further. But have you tried telling him, "Why is it you always seem to find me so useless?" "It really hurts my feelings how you talk to me." "Do you mean to sound so unkind?" "You are so critical of me I wonder if it means you're unhappy with your own life."

If he doesn't stop, well, give up and avoid contact. I just worry that that might make you feel even sadder...