My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

He’s a nasty, spiteful piece of shit. You’re his verbal punch bag.

Explain the situation to your parents and don’t go. Don’t do it to yourself.

Go NC with him. And let him die alone as a nasty, unhappy bitter old man. You owe him nothing.

'Just' don't go. I know it seems a lot but you will feel so relieved to rid yourself of this self-imposed obligation to spend time with/listening to this vile man.

Congratulations on turning your life around and on your two DC.

Don't go, withdraw and ignore his calls. You don't have to be confrontational at all. Take care of yourself, because you deserve it.

Don’t go.

Why would you put yourself through that? If it’s to see other (nice) family members see them another time. If it’s soley from a position of perceived obligation show yourself some love and respect by not going. You can’t control his words and actions but you can sure as shit control your own.

He may well be unhappy but you don't have to take his abuse. I would 100% cut him out of my life and if your family will not defend you when he is around, I would not spend time with the family whilst he is there.

His behaviour is beyond unacceptable and you have the power to decide not to accept it.

Congratulations on the happy and successful life and family you have built for yourself after a tough start in life, OP

'Just' don't go. I know it seems a lot.

You are an adult. Don't engage it have anything to do with him. Make your own Choices. Just be polite wgeh you bump into each other at weddings

OP maybe it'll help to label this for what it is. He is abusing you. He is an abuser. So you say to family you cannot go to the family thing if he is there, because they all know he will abuse you. Then you cut him off permanently.

As an aside (and not that you have to justify your existence, but) you sound so lovely and a real success - a teacher (one of the hardest and most important jobs out there) and a mum, who has fought hard to get over some difficult things in your past. He sounds like a bitter, nasty Person absolutely brimming with pure self hatred and self loathing. Which is his problem, not yours. No contact is the only way to go here.

Stay close to your DH for strength and comfort. When your brother says something, everytime just shrug and say "okay" and turn to someone else. If he keeps at you or if he starts on your parents tell him to get to fuck and you're not surprised his partner is splitting from him, who cares if you hurt his feelings, he is crushing your spirit. Who cares if you have to cut your trip short, it'll be money well spent as you'll be cutting a massive toxic pox from your life.

Just cos he is unhappy he doesn't get to waste everyone's time and money. He has a whole family afraid of him, next time don't invite him or don't go.

Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to spend four days with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's ok to not go.
You don't have to.

You have to decide whether your fear of not going is worse than the abuse he dishes out.

One thing to do if you do decide to see him again is to yawn at his comments. Then leave. Then, if I were you, I'd not bother with him ever again. Siblings like this generally don't change. Life is too short, cherish your parents and keep those around you who love and care for you and treat you well. X

I’m LC with my brother because his attitude to me is similar although he doesn’t put it into words.

He is not worth your tears

Sounds like a pretty bog standard misogynist to me.

The patriarchy got him goo, didn't it, high flier, big man, always right.

I would pity him tbh, and then graciously and respectfully go completely NC.

*got him good, lol, but GOO could be appropriate.

This person uses you as a benchmark for his own self importance. So long as he can look down on you, he can feel better about being a man in a toxic world of ego driven bolleaux.

Why in the world would you expose yourself (and your children) to such cruelty? I have a brother who is 15 years older than I and very similar to yours. For years I tried to let it roll off my back. Then he was cruel to one of my sons. It was at Christmas many years ago. My son was very young. I put his coat on and we went for a walk in the snow. As I walked I gathered my courage and came back and told his that it was bad enough he thought he could talk to me that way, but he was NEVER going to speak to my children like that or to me around them. I didn't yell. I calmly made my point. I put my sons coats on, told my husband it was time to leave and we left. We have never had a holiday with them again. We speak and see them time to time but so far he has watched his behavior.

Mock him. He’s bullying you because it’s easy. Build up a set of stock phrases to take the wind out of his sails.

Jeez Roger, stop boring everyone to death.
Well whoop Dee do for you. Are you the big man on campus today?
Who died and made you the boss of names?
Do you ever stop whinging?
And to paraphrase others…
You really are a nasty spiteful piece of shit, aren’t you?
wow, you sound nasty and bitter today. Even more than usual, as hard as that is to believe.
You must really hate yourself. Do you not get bored dragging everyone down to make yourself feel better?

Youi and your husband work out some responses and BOTH practise them, before the family meeting. Then as soon as Brother starts whining, either you or your husband say loudly and sharply

"Don't speak to me/pinky like that"
"Stop ruining the day for everyone"
"Apologise to Pinky"
"I won't put up with this bullying"
"You're making a fool of yourself"

Practise out loud, in front of a mirror.

Cut him out. My brother is a dick but nowhere as bad as yours and I have no contact with him.

I would not be giving this man a single second of my time ever again, even if it meant missing out on family get-togethers. I would tell your parents exactly why you won't come. Your parents are spineless for letting him treat people like this and they need to wake up to the fact that he's tearing your family apart with his behaviour.

Has your DH witnessed your brother's behaviour? I get that you're scared of your brother, but surely your DH isn't scared of him too? My DP is a very calm, affable bloke but if my brother spoke me to me the way your brother speaks to you, there is absolutely no way DP would stay silent and watch me being bullied and verbally abused.

I have a similar sibling.

You have two options OP:

• You simply don't go

(& cut him off forever/go very low contact, as an optional extra)

OR

• You stand up for yourself with a simple 'You cannot talk to me like that, you POS'

(& you advise your parents to do the same, as an optional extra)

Don't go. Make an excuse and don't go. Do not pick up the phone to him, don't respond except with cold short answers. Any family that doesn't call him out on his behaviour and let's him get away with this, is enabling him. You don't need this. You have done so well to get this far, focus on your life with your DH and 2 kids, your career and friends. YOU OWE THIS MAN NOTHING! NOTHING!

You need to cut him out of your life. If you think it's going to cause too much agro to not attend the upcoming event - and if you think you can cope with it - then you can go but do so having made an internal commitment not to see him again after that.

I have one of these.
I largely ignore him but if I have to see him and he’s rude I tell him not to be and he flounces out because he can’t deal with his shitty behaviour being challenged
Its taken a long time to get to this stage as he is very big and angry but I know he hasn’t got the balls to actually hurt me .
When he starts my initial reaction is to retreat to the child he used to hurt “ accidentally” but I have realised I’m not and if he laid one finger on me I would call the police. He basically tries to use me and other people to make him feel better about himself but I don’t allow it any more. Try not to fall back into your childhood roles, hard I know but if you do nothing will change
And being a Teacher is a job that deserves respect, it’s certainly beyond my capabilities