My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

WHY are you spending 4 days with him?

And why is he even in your life when he's so vile?! Do you really think you have to put up with that shit because he's blood?!

I'd be blocking his number so fast. Life is too short to be treated like that by ANYONE!!

Don't go. No one should make you feel like that.

Honestly? No contact is the solution for bullies who have this behaviour hard wired and have done it for years.

I never looked back. On the rare occasion we run into each other at family do's, being around him at all still reduces me to feeling panic attacky and frightened of it all kicking off despite only ever being the victim of his verbal and emotional abuse rather than an equal party in it.

If I had to do four days in his company, even now, it would severely impact my mental health before, during and after. To the point it would preoccupy me completely.

I would highly recommend cutting ties.

And it helps that my partner sees right through him too - hopefully yours does. Made the world of difference to me having someone in my corner.

I have a brother who thought I was his verbal punching bag, I haven't had anything to do with him for years now and it's blissful. I advise against 'witty' comebacks and simply suggest treating him like he doesn't exist.
My brother has alienated every single person he's had anything to do with, he'll probably die alone a bitter and twisted man who never learnt anything from the consequences of his actions. That makes me really sad but it's not my problem, I don't have to subject myself to him and his abuse.
There's nothing to be gained by being a martyr just because he's 'family'.

A useful phrase in situations like this is "Is there a reason you choose to behave like this?"

Failing that, I like the idea of the raised eyebrow "look" and then just walking away

I’ve got a brother exactly like yours, OP.
He's bullied me in various forms since we were children (he’s 7 years older than me) and always tries to make out that I’m the problem - I’m over sensitive, can’t take a joke, I’m boring, he has nothing in common with me etc.

My mum waves it off with, “ Why do you let him get to you? You know what he’s like”, as if that makes it ok.
She even phones me to tell me to send him and his family cards for Christmas and birthdays; I think he bullies her too, but she’s reliant on him so she doesn’t want to get on the wrong side of him.
He is executor of her will, so I’m dreading having to deal with him when she dies, but know that that will be the last involvement I let him have in my life - he’s a sh*t and always will be.

Well done to you for turning your life around and achieving the dream that he obviously hasn’t - marriage, babies, rewarding career.

He is a jealous thug. He will never change. He is weak and flawed. You are a superwoman and he knows that so has to tear you down.

NEVER be in an environment where your DCs see their role model superwoman MUM crumble …. take yourself confidently out of punching distance - your kids should never experience, witness or sense this emotional violence. That’s the responsibility that you need to take action on that your own parents still don’t.

Wow ! Thank you for the replies.

Thank you everyone for sharing.

My husband can not stand the way my brother treats me and in the past I have begged him not to confront my brother but now I think if my brother is rude than my husband should speak .

I am not willing for my children to witness my brothers nasty behaviour to me or others. No way. So I do feel I need to make a Choice of going extremely little contact and when I do feel he is out of order - raise that it isn’t nice and I am not sure why he feels it acceptable to behave in this way .

My parents enable my brother but currently so am I . The party is for my mums birthday so I. And cancel but I can very well not see my brother again after this .

I no longer spend Christmas with my parents as my Brother is there . I avoid going to see my parents when brother is there . I probably see him
4 times a year but can easily make it less and none if necessary .

it is hard to admit someone you are related to and who many years ago was kind is a bully. However he is and I no longer want to be the victim . I have children now and I have to protect them from it. Thank you.

See him one last time, tell him to FUCK OFF!

Then forget about him forever, what a horrible bastard he is.

Oh OP, don’t go. Just don’t go. You’re not a little, vulnerable girl - who should have been protected from his abusive behaviour by your parents - any longer. You’re a grown woman who had overcome various challenges to now be in a happy place, with a good relationship, career and children of your own. You simply don’t have to have anything whatsoever to do with him. He’s a toxic arsehole and removing yourself and your children away from the influence of toxic arseholes is a necessary step.

Just because someone shares genetic material with you doesn’t make them ‘family’ in my book. Family support each other and care about each other. Just because he’s your sibling gives him no right to treat you unkindly and or mean you should ‘put up with it’ to keep the peace. Literally fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I have an older brother who I believe has some traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. He, like your brother, is a toxic arsehole - everything is always about him and how it impacts him. He’s an utter bellend who behaved appallingly after DF’s sudden death, which was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I decided I wanted nothing at all to do with him and in the years since have only communicated with him about DM’s health when it’s been essential to keep him informed (terminal cancer diagnosis which amazingly turned out to be survivable). He lives hours away, is no help with DM and has no contact now with my DC - and it’s fabulous!

DM went through a stage of trying to jolly me along, trying to get me to talk to him on the phone when they were speaking etc but I took no notice. I’d already explained that she was free to have a relationship with him but I wasn’t going to - I understand she loves him because he’s her DS but she also knows what he’s like and isn’t blind to his faults, but gets upset if I point them out. She only once accused me of “holding a grudge” and I explained how cutting out a toxic person who made my childhood miserable and treats people terribly wasn’t “holding a grudge” but an act of self preservation. She hasn’t mentioned it since.

I know it makes DM sad to think of her DC not liking one another and not getting along - in her imagination we’d have a lovely, supportive sibling relationship, but he’s never been capable of that or even interested in it. When DM os no longer with us I’ll never even give him another moments thought again.

I suggest you think about trying something like this - it might be rough at first but it’s liberating in the long run. And you really do need to protect your DC from this bellend.

Tell him ‘happiness is the ultimate success and I win that one’ (as he doesn’t as he is obviously is bitter)

I think I’d be at the stage now where there be no ‘niceties’. I’d say ‘fck off you sad cnt’ everytime he spoke to me like that. Cut him out of your life as much as you can.

He sounds utterly unbearable. I thought my brother was bad but wow.

For the record I am NC with my brother and boy is my life all the better for it. I smile to myself sometimes when I think about the obscenely poisonous comments he'd make in situations I find myself in.

You will never regret not having him in your life. It's YOUR life, enjoy YOUR family and cut the cancerous bastard out,

Just to add, as clichéd as it is, hurt people hurt people.

I'd firmly tell him to sort his life out and not contact you until he's learned how to behave in a respectful manner towards you. You don't want your kids picking up on it, he's a adult and meant to set an example, whatever must they think when he talks to you like a piece of crap.

That's helpful, do you always make terrible jokes at other peoples expense, read the room yeh. She's being abused by her brother and you think it's funny.

Some pps are suggesting confronting him about his behaviour but I’m not sure in this case it would help. Just would escalate into a drama and shouting match in front of your DC.
I agree with the pps who advise detaching and seeing much less of him. Be firm and clear with your parents that if they want to see you and your DC it must be separately.

He probably is very unhappy.
He also probably still thinks of you both as children and cannot see that you have moved to a more adult way of communicating. Perhaps he also communicates with other adults in this childish way and that’s why he has difficulties with them.

If you feel you don’t want to cut him off completely you could:
Write to him (because no point expecting to make it through a face-to-face conversation unscathed) calmly explaining how bad he makes you feel, including some of the examples from your OP. Point out to him that you are adults and that adults don’t talk to each other like that.

Say that if he would like to see you/the DC you can meet on neutral ground for short periods eg a coffee or a walk in a park as long as he is respectful and polite and only speaks to you the courteous way he would (presumably) speak to another adult.
Avoid meeting at your homes or at your parents house as it is harder to leave. Also avoid meeting for lunch or dinner - again, harder to leave.
Leave your parents out of any meetings for now. If you two are to succeed in re-setting your relationship as adults, your parents cannot be around.

Only if you see any glimmer of good in him that might make it worthwhile to salvage something between you.

I've dealt with both low level and blatant outright negging or otherwise not great behaviours from my brother, but next to yours mine is Jesus.

Block him on everything and have your partner's full support with not answering landline calls or house visits to him.

Don't be shy about telling him why, and letting the rest of your family know. And letting them know you also won't be taking any shit from anyone else for your choice either, because you are a valid and worthy human who deserves better.

I stepped away from mine for a long time but im hoping there's a chance to repair one day. Our situation is really complex.

And 4 days cooped up with him and your parents all together will not help things to re-set!!!!!

whatever must they think when he talks to you like a piece of crap.

The little children won’t be “thinking” anything - they will be seeing, sensing, absorbing and internalising absolute fear as they witness and experience the emotional violation of their mother.

They will likely be devastated, confused and traumatised. It’s important to call it out calmly and consistently if they have seen or heard it. Uncle X was behaving in a nasty and aggressive way to Mummy - it’s unacceptable and I am dealing with it. Etc

I went no contact with my sister over 20 years ago and she wasn’t nearly as nasty as your brother! And I can honestly say I haven’t regretted it once. I would have loved to have a proper sisterly relationship , and really envy friends who have great sisters, but I realised after a lifetime of her spite and snide that she was never going to change, so I took the initiative.

This you are entitled to cut abusers out of your life

I go for "Oooh, shall we try that again, only this time you say something nice?" in your finest pass agg voice.

You are being unreasonable to talk to this dickhead ever again. You don't need him in your life.