My adult brother bullies me . I need help to deal with him.

[Littepinkyogapants]

My brother (40) is successful in the work place and a high earner . He has always been domineering and bossy but over the last 10 years has become cruel . We had a hard childhood . I had many issues with drinking and mental health.

I got help and sorted myself out in late and got married . Since then ( 4 years ago ) my brother has had periods of not wanting to talk to me or when he does being extremely rude .After I see him I feel like a failure .

A few things he has said in the last year

1)What do you know about work ? Your a teacher ! It’s not a job. You are a childminder !!

2)You gave your child the shittest name. Why use such a crap generic name ? ( We used Oliver)

3)You are a typical woman - got married ,pregnant and that’s it - you have no originality .

4)About 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter , in a room full of people , he told me -Your talking like a fucking retard. Why are you talking with your hands !?

1. what the fuck do you know about life ?

6 .It’s disgusting you work part time but I suppose women have no real drive .

He is extremely rude and critical To most people but me now more than anyone I feel. I never say a word as i hate confrontation.

He moans about everyone. He always wants me to agree with him And I feel I have to agree with him. I hate I don’t just walk away and end up agreeing with him.

I will be spending 4 days at a family get together this week. My brother called last night to moan about our family and was extremely rude to me on the phone. All of the usual put downs. After the call I sat and cried .

I have spent many years working to be the person I am . I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful young children and I am happy . Yet my brother can make me crumble .

My brother is unhappy . Has been for years . Is finally splitting from his partner ( not wife as he doesn’t believe in marriage !)

How can I cope with spending 4 days with him? I’m terrified? My parents are aware of his behaviour but don’t want to confront him. He always gets away with it. I hate that I don’t stand up to him. I hate the way he makes me feel .

You don't deal with him, you just cut him out of your life.

If you've agreed to go to your Mum's Birthday already then go and give him a very wide berth.

You need to completely cut him out of your life, see family when he isn't going to be there

Your life will be no worse off without him in it. Not sure how you've put up with it for so long

I have an older brother, very similar though not as openly aggressive. I am a computer engineer in the tech science industry and he continuously referred to be as a data entry clerk. He mocked my decision not to have children and said it was just an excuse to hide the fact that I was, in his words, barren. He said I only chose my partner because I left it too late and had to settle.
The day after my mother's funeral, I told him that he was obviously a deeply unhappy person who could only make himself feel good by making other people miserable. I told him to say what ever he had to there and then because that was going to be his last opportunity to talk me ever again. He said I needed help because I was mentally ill and stormed off. I blocked his number, his email and thankfully was in the process of moving so he didnt have my new address. That was nearly 10 years ago and was the best thing I ever did. You can't reason with abusive men. If you cite any example of their behaviour, they brand you unreasonable and crazy. The only power you have is to cut them out of your life root and stem. Knowing that I will never again have to put up with him mocking and belittling me and my DH brings me such peace.

/\ /\ THIS

Well done!

Do you have any news of him?

I was so sad to read your post OP. He has no right to speak to you like that.

Your parents need to face exactly what has been going on maybe they don't see the full extent of it or understand how it affects you. I think if you tell them verbally they may interrupt or start saying it's an exaggeration because they don't really want to face up to this. Maybe writing it all down in a clear, calm, non-exaggerated way, just as you did in your post, a list of the comments and behaviour without commentary,. I think seeing it in black and white like that might shock them and at least they will have to read it without minimising the whole thing. It might help them understand, particularly that you do not want to bring your children into this dynamic, and nor should they want to see their grandchildren witnessing the stress, fear, and upset that this man generates. Send a copy to him that you will not put up with it anymore and you don't want your children to experience it. He needs to realise the impact of his behaviour.

Because seriously, someone needs to tell him. You say that he is known for being difficult and rude. Maybe it's time he faces that and does something about it .

Attending the party is a dilemma, I wouldn't want to do the four days either and maybe that is the price your parents pay for enabling him, although like you they may not haven't really known how to deal with him.
However, it feels wrong that his behaviour is literally stopping you from meeting up with your family and you are the one being banished.
It is a four-day event - do you have to be at all four? or could your parents organise it so that you and your brother come on different days? Could you meet your parents for lunch somewhere, without him. Or celebrate with them on a different weekend. Its not an easy situation but maybe it is good that things have come to a head and either way you wont be putting up with this from now on.

@Aubriella
Thanks Aubriella. Have not heard a dickie bird in years. Early on he made an attempt to give me a second chance (his words) via our cousin but I declined. The cousin no longer keeps in touch with him either after realising what a dick he is!

Your brother sounds like a coke addict. Even if he's not he's an aggressive twat. Speak to his partner and find out the truth. If you can't help him I would cut him out.

I think that you should totally delete your brother from your life, by all means available to you. See your parents away from their home, or via Skype or something similar.
Remove yourself and your family from contact with him.
He has a negative effect on you. He won't change. You can.

Absolutely staggered that you spend a minute with him, let alone 4 days. He's abusive to you and you're allowing him to be. Terminate your relationship with him, your children will become to be affected by the way he treats you

You are not benefiting from this relationship and he is unlikely to change. I would not attend events where he is there and I would see parents separately.

Jings- you DM must have contributed to producing this nasty lump of a man.

And now DPs stand by whilst he is cruel.

I don't think you need to attend DMs birthday if that horror is going to be there and it's a bit rich her expecting you to go along to be cruelly abused.

Tell them you won't be going because of him.

Tell your husband you love him and he can say whatever he wants to your brother.
I no longer spend Christmas with my parents as my Brother is there . I avoid going to see my parents when brother is there . I probably see him
4 times a year but can easily make it less and none if necessary .
that is such good progress!! If you can do all that you can do one more step right now- block him on your phone. Go on, it takes seconds. And phone calls like last night will never happen again. Onto the rest of your amazing life op!