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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

146 replies

HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:14

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 11:15

YANBU.

Your poor thing.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 11:15

Being pressurised to have sex I mean. Totally wrong.

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 23/05/2022 11:17

That’s awful. He’s a piece of shit OP. I had a C-section 6 MONTHS ago and I still don’t feel like it. My husband would never even think to start a conversation like this.

User7312019 · 23/05/2022 11:18

But how is he to know what a normal change is post partum? It’s not a phase that’s really talked about properly for women never mind men. I think your husband sounds like he was worried about you and your marriage and did the only thing that makes any sense - discussed it with you? I’m not really sure what else you wanted him to do?

Original poster
HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:18

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 11:15

Being pressurised to have sex I mean. Totally wrong.

Oh he definitely didn’t pressure me to have sex. But I felt the need to act like we’re ok, and that included having sex sooner than I was ready for the sake of the relationship. He didn’t pressure me at all, I was the one who told him I’m ready, but only so I could keep up the facade of not having the ick.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/05/2022 11:20

YANBU to have felt that way, at all. But honestly, you should have been able to say to him that you’re all touched out, you love him but right now you just need him to back off and let you heal and fall into the rhythms of being a mother and wife.

I'm not surprised you’re still upset, he basically brow beat you into making you feel guilty until you had sex with him to make him shut up. I think the reason you’re still upset is because you know a good man wouldn’t have allowed that to happen.

Original poster
HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:21

User7312019 · 23/05/2022 11:18

But how is he to know what a normal change is post partum? It’s not a phase that’s really talked about properly for women never mind men. I think your husband sounds like he was worried about you and your marriage and did the only thing that makes any sense - discussed it with you? I’m not really sure what else you wanted him to do?

That’s what I’m conscious of, and writing the OP helped me see that as I realised how difficult it must have been for him to see me pull away like that. For him, he saw a change in me and our marriage and was worried. For me, I was thinking I’ve only just had a baby, this must be normal.

Just out of curiosity, was that normal? Or was it just me?

OP posts:
catscatscatseverywhere · 23/05/2022 11:21

Whoa, 6 weeks?! It's completely understandable. Your husband is the one being unreasonable...

Greensleeves · 23/05/2022 11:21

Both statements are true up to a point. It isn't unheard of for women to feel the way you did, but that doesn't cancel out the effect the sudden rejection has on a partner, and wanting to talk about it isn't unreasonable.

Making you talk about it for two hours, refusing to accept the explanation you'd given him and pressurising you into sex you didn't want - that's appalling (and possibly rape, if he knew you weren't willingly consenting). But a man feeling insecure and wanting reassurance and a conversation when he's suddenly being found repulsive by a previously affectionate partner - that isn't unreasonable.

10HailMarys · 23/05/2022 11:35

You're clear in your post that he wasn't pressuring you for sex, but was just struggling to understand why you didn't want any physical contact at all. I think most men would understand that you wouldn't want to have sex in the six weeks after having a baby, but I can see why he'd be confused that you were repulsed by him putting his arm round you or giving you an affectionate kiss - those things aren't really sexual.

I don't think either of you is at fault, here. You felt the way you felt, and you couldn't help that. But I can also see why he was massively anxious and worried about your sudden refusal to let him show you affection in a non-sexual way.

In general, men are told that it's important to show affection and love to their partner in a non-sexual way when they've had a baby, and in his eyes, I expect that's just what he was doing, so he would have had no idea whether or not it's normal post-partum to not even want a kiss goodnight or whatever. The two of you had gone through a huge life-change in having a baby together, and both your worlds had been turned upside-down, so I can understand his worries.

I definitely don't think you should still be thinking about it a year later or that dwelling on it or bringing it up again would be helpful. I think if you decide to have more children, you should probably have a chat with him before the baby's born and remind him that it's possible you might be the same this time around and that he doesn't need to worry if you don't want him near you straight away.

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 11:38

Both statements are true up to a point. It isn't unheard of for women to feel the way you did, but that doesn't cancel out the effect the sudden rejection has on a partner, and wanting to talk about it isn't unreasonable.

I don't see it as rejection though, and nor should any decent man. It's not rejection when it's a temporary situation- an incredibly common and likely situation when women have literally just had a baby and all that it involves physically, mentally, emotionally, hormonally.

My ex did the same to me and things never got back to what they were before. Which in part caused our separation.

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 11:39

Sounds like he was more concerned about the lack of affection and the marriage, rather than the lack of sex. I don’t think you can blame him, he must love you and felt rejected. Surely that’s better than him not even noticing?

Dh22 · 23/05/2022 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 11:39

@LunaMoonHare but how was he to know it was temporary?

fedup078 · 23/05/2022 11:40

6 weeks! I don't know what is it but I've read a few threads about this kind of thing. Men getting funny about the lack of sex when you will have barely healed from the birth even when it's out of character for them.
My own H (now ex but not because of this ) got really stroppy a few weeks after the birth and a few days after my mother died unexpectedly. I had finally got ds down to sleep and was utterly physically and mentally exhausted when he broached the subject. I was so shocked I honestly didn't know what to say.

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 11:40

@Dh22 crazy isn’t it

dolphinsarentcommon · 23/05/2022 11:41

@10HailMarys is spot on

RandomMess · 23/05/2022 11:43

There really is no "normal"'as to when you feel ready or if you get the "ick".

So your DH probably was very worried at the time. It's clearly not talked about enough is it?

I never got the ick (4 DC) and was ready for sex within a few weeks as I missed the intimacy. So I'm one end of the spectrum of readiness.

I can see both of your points of view. Having a baby is a bomb going off in your relationship.

Discovereads · 23/05/2022 11:43

YANBU to feel touched out and not want physical affection 6 weeks post partum. Normal is a wide spectrum, there is no one “normal” or “right” way to be after child birth regarding physical non sexual affection. That’s why it’s not often talked about because every woman is different. I was not like you at all myself and we are both normal.

However I think YABU to be upset that you and your DH had a conversation about your feelings at 6 weeks post partum. He did the right thing by talking about your physical withdrawal because it would hurt any loving partner if done without some sort of insight into how you are feeling. I think you both handled things quite well. It would have been worse I think if you had not communicated about it. It would have become the elephant in the room and resentment would have set in.

Jengnr · 23/05/2022 11:44

fedup078 · 23/05/2022 11:40

6 weeks! I don't know what is it but I've read a few threads about this kind of thing. Men getting funny about the lack of sex when you will have barely healed from the birth even when it's out of character for them.
My own H (now ex but not because of this ) got really stroppy a few weeks after the birth and a few days after my mother died unexpectedly. I had finally got ds down to sleep and was utterly physically and mentally exhausted when he broached the subject. I was so shocked I honestly didn't know what to say.

He wasn’t talking specifically about sex though. The OP withdrew all physical affection. That’s a big change and totally understandable that

a) He found it difficult and
b) He tried to discuss it with his wife in case there was a problem.

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:45

He did pressure you.

You felt pressure after a two hour conversation to be seen to get over how you were feeling.

You were totally normal to feel like that.

A two hour conversation.

God help you.

No wonder it hasn't left you.

Having sex that you don't want is just awful and so traumatic.

To do it after a baby is so much worse.

I think you should talk to someone, because these feelings are not going away.

Denying how upset you are won't help you either.

He was wrong and he fxxked up.

You need to own how you feel and your right to feel it.

I think it is not a good marker of your relationship that you would feel under such pressure to do something you clearly did not want to do.

Coercion is a strong word but 3 weeks after your marrathon conversation which he couldn't understand that you did not want it, you absolutely felt you had to correct this.

He was a selfish arse and obviously preoccupied with his needs being met ahead of yours having given birth.

Do you feel violated by this, even though you said you were ready?

You need to talk to someone and maybe that will give you the strength to tell him the truth.

user1471457751 · 23/05/2022 11:47

Oh ffs, we now have a poster accusing this man of rape!!! The OP has made it very fucking clear that at no point did her husband pressure or coerce or force her into having sex. The lack of comprehension skills of some people on this site is staggering

HoppingPavlova · 23/05/2022 11:48

Were you breastfeeding? I couldn’t stand DH entering into my personal space at all when I was breastfeeding, complete ick. It was just constantly having another human being what felt like constantly on me, then combined with other little ones clamouring all over me when one wasn’t breastfeeding, I just wanted some time when no one was near me. If DH tried to enter the zone if there wasn’t little people latched on, I felt quite murderous.

GooglyEyeballs · 23/05/2022 11:50

I can understand why you feel this way, it probably wasn't a fun conversation and you must have felt so vulnerable that early on after giving birth. You say he didn't pressure you so that's good at least. OP, do you think it was a good thing that you both talked about your feelings even if it was a bit traumatic? I think men quite often struggle to fully comprehend what it's like for the woman going through birth and recovering and can get insensitive and inpatient. I can't tell if this is one of those times where it's good that he spoke to you instead of shut down and cut you off because he wasn't getting anything physical. Really hard to judge other relationships. Hope you're okay OP.

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:50

user1471457751 · 23/05/2022 11:47

Oh ffs, we now have a poster accusing this man of rape!!! The OP has made it very fucking clear that at no point did her husband pressure or coerce or force her into having sex. The lack of comprehension skills of some people on this site is staggering

No one has mentioned rape, or anything near it, just you.

Have a look at your own comprehension skills.