To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

[HomTanks]

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

And he DIDN'T pressure her into sex - the OP is clear about this. The conversation was about affection and the ick, not sex. The OP put pressure on herself to try to 'feel normal', not her partner.

@billy1966
So many posters thinking men are entitled to sex irrespective of how a new mother feels.

What poster has said this? I haven’t seen a single poster with this view.
The conversation was about lack of affection, not sex. A peck on the cheek, a hug, holding hands. He wanted to know why that had all stopped and how she was feeling, if there was any problem in the relationship he should know about. There’s no entitlement there, only seeking to understand.

And the OP has said he did not pressure her to have sex. Yet you continue to gaslight her with your imaginary narrative.

He wanted to know why that had all stopped and how she was feeling, if there was any problem in the relationship he should know about. There’s no entitlement there, only seeking to understand.

For two hours, and whilst she was upset? You think that's an appropriate way to behave to a woman who is 6 weeks pp?

I mean it's not appropriate at any point in time but I refer back to the house brick comment about lack of emotional intelligence around pregnancy/birth...

@billy1966 yet posters like you are turning this around at no point did OP say it was a 2 hr grilling or that she was pressured by her dh
Maybe people need to read what happened with this OP and not jump on the al men are awful brigade

@LunaMoonHare it says they had a 2 hr conversation we don't know why it took that long or if was all about this one thing , OP hasn't updated that, prob a little scare off as people have suddenly told her all sorts

Why is when women point out crap behaviour from men, the NAMALT brigade are always out in force?

Because thats how healthy couples work, one of them suddenly feels different and the other should totally ignore that, not ask, not care, just wait until given the green light to offer hugs/cuddles/physical contact.

Of course if he did that, there would equally be women who felt a bit crap after birth but then felt horribly rejected that their husband or partner isn't giving them a hug, touching them, kissing etc.

There really are some folk here who are determined that AMAB despite no evidence of that being the case.

I don't get all the people saying your DH was unreasonable to want to have a conversation about this. The key to good relationships is communication surely.

Me and my DH talk about everything and it means we stay emotionally close as we know what is going on with each other.

From the sound of it, he just wanted reassurance and information. There was no pressure from him.

I don't think either of you were being unreasonable. Maybe have another conversation about it if you need to express to him how that conversation made you feel.

Exactly .the only way he would have known that is by having a conversation....

TBH, I don't think we have enough context here to judge, aside from being able to acknowledge that this was a difficult situation for both of you. Feeling touched out and vulnerable postpartum is totally understandable, but so is feeling upset that a formerly physically affectionate partner suddenly can't stand your touch yet (presumably?) hasn't explained this to you--communication is key in relationships, after all, though of course communication includes listening as well as talking, on both sides.

The birth of a baby is tough in so many ways.

I'd look at the wider context of your relationship.

Was the 2 hour conversation a typical thing that happens when your H doesn't get his way or is disappointed in your behaviour?

What happens when the two of you have a disagreement? Do you feel like you end up getting "talked round," or can you resolve things fairly and compromise and listen to each other?

Do you think this instance might have been a one-off, due to temporary stress on both of you during a difficult time?

Good luck OP.

In real life I have never heard of a single husband of a friend of mine being pressured into sex within weeks of giving birth, not to mind after surgery she was not pressured into sex. Op has started this herself. Why are people so desperate to convince op her DH basically raped her three weeks after a conversation about intimacy but she didn't know until strangers who weren't there decided what had happened

Yes it was absolutely appropriate for him to ask her about her mental state and feelings. Not all conversations are breezy and easy when it comes to relationships. They can be upsetting and emotional and also the right thing to do

@WiddlinDiddlin I know how healthy relationships work, thanks.

My partner would have the emotional intelligence to know that if I was less 'touchy' and not up for physical contact that it was probably to do with being 6 weeks PP and instead of giving me the Spanish Inquisition for TWO HOURS would bring me things and offer to help in a nurturing and supportive way.

That's how healthy relationships work.

The OP has come here and posted because it still bothers and upsets her a year on, so regardless of what you think, she obviously still feels affected by it.

I'm really saddened to see some that some posters are unable to believe that a man might want affection and not just sex. I do think we need to break down the stereotypes which suggest that men are just after one thing.

Perhaps the OP’s DP did lack emotional intelligence. I don’t think he was wrong to try and discuss OP’s complete withdrawal from him, or to ask whether there was an issue in their relationship they needed to address, but he probably ought to have given OP time and space when she requested it. He was concerned about OP and their relationship, but too persistent in trying to solve the situation then and there.

It does not, however, sound remotely like he pressured her into sex.

An intense two hour conversation which basically centred around him not getting his needs met and WHY wasn’t he getting his needs met does nudge towards being pressurising. Yes. Absolutely.

Six weeks post partum. OP was still recovering from giving birth and those first six weeks are so intense. He was being a self-centred jerk.

What I took from your post was that this wasn't just about sex, this was physical affection. I think my DH would have been incredibly hurt by the lack of physical affection, and it would probably warrant a 2 hour conversation if I didn't even want him to touch me in any way (not sexual).

I don't think your DH was in the wrong, he was hurt and confused which is totally normal. And you were 6 weeks post partum and and were vulnerable and confused too.

Nobody was in the wrong. If your marriage is otherwise happy I'd try and put this behind you.

Pressuring? Maybe, but not for sex. The OP explicitly says that the conversation was not about sex, but general physical intimacy.

Where does it say it was a 'spanish inquisition', the OP describes it as a conversation, we don't have any info suggesting it was actually an interrogation!

Not everyone is emotionally intelligent, my partner absolutely isn't (and has a medical dx to back that up) and he would need things explaining, but he would understand after being given an explanation. It might take me a few hours to really examine how I felt and offer one though.

Not all healthy relationships are identical!

YANBU.
That's very depressing.

Just shows how some men will disregard so much - just to get their rocks off.
It's merely all about them and their cocks, isn't it?

It's not depressing if you read what she wrote.