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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

146 replies

HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:14

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

OP posts:

dolphinsarentcommon · 23/05/2022 11:52

user1471457751 · 23/05/2022 11:47

Oh ffs, we now have a poster accusing this man of rape!!! The OP has made it very fucking clear that at no point did her husband pressure or coerce or force her into having sex. The lack of comprehension skills of some people on this site is staggering

Quite

Onlyhuman123 · 23/05/2022 11:52

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 11:39

@LunaMoonHare but how was he to know it was temporary?

yeah exactly. IF he asked for sex at 6 weeks; then he was BU but from what the OP said, he didn't...she felt she HAD to have sex to appease him; that is something separate that needs addressing i.e. she shouldn't feel obliged to have sex with DH just to make him feel better...if he knew she had done it just for that, I'm sure he'd be gutted (from what OP has subsequently said about DH). From what I could gather, DH was concerned at the lack of general affection, just normal kiss, holding hands, quick hugs etc. and for that I would totally understand him wanting to have a conversation about it.

Discovereads · 23/05/2022 11:52

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:50

No one has mentioned rape, or anything near it, just you.

Have a look at your own comprehension skills.

Show quote history

That’s clearly not the case.
A poster saying “having sex when you don’t want to” implies rape, as does asking in the same post “do you feel violated by this”

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 11:53

Badgirlriri · 23/05/2022 11:39

@LunaMoonHare but how was he to know it was temporary?

It was six weeks pp. I don't understand how so many men make it all about themselves and automatically assume they are being 'rejected' rather than bother to understand what women actually go through when having a baby.

Qwill · 23/05/2022 11:54

The OP has been very clear he didn’t pressure her. Depression is common after birth, and there are many ways this manifests itself. It sounds like the husband was concerned as the OP felt repulsed by him (which can feel very upsetting, no matter how justified the mental health reasons for it are). It reads like the husband was making sure there was no underlying mental health issues.

Discovereads · 23/05/2022 11:55

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 11:53

Show quote history

This doesn’t apply to the OPs DH as he decided to ask OP what was going on with her. He didn’t assume he was being rejected and took steps to understand what the OP was feeling/going through.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 23/05/2022 11:56

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:50

No one has mentioned rape, or anything near it, just you.

Have a look at your own comprehension skills.

Show quote history

Someone DID mention rape, actually...

Making you talk about it for two hours, refusing to accept the explanation you'd given him and pressurising you into sex you didn't want - that's appalling (and possibly rape, if he knew you weren't willingly consenting)

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:57

"I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok."

This is why it has stayed with you.
A two hour conversation when you no doubt were tired. You were very upset and yet he just couldn't understand that you had had a baby and this was how YOU were feeling.

Having to fight the ick and have sex to make him feel better at 9 weeks with everything that was still going on with your body, must have been difficult.

It really isn't hard to understand. You are resentful that with everything that was going on you had to put his needs ahead of yours.

I think it would be very good for you to speak to someone about how you are feeling and how you move forward.

Jalepenojello · 23/05/2022 11:59

It’s was absolutely fine to have this conversation….you had a baby but you also had a husband and communication is so important. You shouldn’t have had sex if you didn’t want to and you say he didn’t pressure you at all. Relationships are really hard after having a baby and having regular chats about how you’re feeling is healthy. It sounds like you’d been bottling things up and your partner was concerned so it turned into a long conversation as you hadn’t previously been communicating, no?

I actually do think these things are really
normal and you’re putting too much weight into the whole “I can’t believe we’re in this position when I’ve just had a baby”. It’s really hard and life isn’t a fairytale. Hope you’re doing better now

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 12:01

@user1471457751 please accept my apology on my assertion that no one mentioned rape.

But I strongly disagree that she did not feel under pressure.

I think she did.

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 23/05/2022 12:02

6 weeks is not long at all. My husband started a similar conversation at around the 5 month mark with our first baby, which I found very hurtful considering his life had hardly changed at all and mine was unrecognisable from pre-baby life. I was really resentful for him putting that guilt on me that I wasn’t living up to satisfying him at a time when I’d never felt so mentally and physically exhausted and touched out in my life.

Post baby hormones can play a part in surpassing desire, it does come back eventually. Usually once you are feeling a bit more rested and your partner is doing a more equal share of the night wakes / housework / childcare.

LaBellina · 23/05/2022 12:02

YANBU.
He shouldn’t have dragged you into a 2 hour conversation about this when you just had a baby and major abdominal surgery. He should just have supported you instead and give you time to get back on your feet again. If he had 2 hours spare for this discussion, he could have spent instead on letting you have a well deserved nap/ bath/ some alone time outside.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 12:07

He was a whiny shit. A manipulative whiny self pitying shit. And it would have pissed me off at the time and I'd have told him to sort himself the fuck out. But unless he has form for emotional blackmail I'd chalk it up to new baby batshittery and not be ruminating over it a year later.. But that's just me - I've never let anything go but I don't carry a grudge.

Andromachehadabadday · 23/05/2022 12:09

I don’t think he pressured her for sex.

it’s really obvious when your partner has gone off you and really obvious if they have the ick.

They has sex 3 weeks after the conversation. It seems op chose to have sex as a show of affection. Even though that wasn’t the show of affection he was referencing.

I don’t think he was wrong to want to talk about when you didn’t want him near you. Maybe 2 hours was too much. But I also think ‘it’s normal after having a baby’ doesn’t address much. Not talking about things is where the long term problems set in.

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 12:14

He didn’t assume he was being rejected and took steps to understand what the OP was feeling/going through.

That's your view of it. Mine is that he was hardly generous with giving her time/space (it was 6 weeks not 6 months- does he have no imagination whatsoever or no awareness of the impact of having a baby on a woman?) and raised it because of his own fragile ego and his wants and desires without much consideration of his wife. I don't think her feelings or what she was going through was high on his agenda. Getting his leg over was the main thing on his mind.

Staynow · 23/05/2022 12:16

You developed the ick, he was obviously really worried and was trying desperately to understand what was going on which felt very pressurised and you pretended not to have the ick to the extent that you had sex before you were ready. The issue was that you couldn't be honest with him without really hurting his feelings and potentially damaging the relationship which put you in a very, very difficult position.

I think you need to bring this up again and rather than him lead the whole thing you need to lead the whole thing and be honest about what was going on for you and how you felt about what he said/did. It will be so much easier to talk about this with hindsight on both of your sides. Otherwise you are just holding onto the resentment.

I think that it is particularly vital if you are planning on having more children, he needs to understand that this might happen again.

MangoMaddie · 23/05/2022 12:16

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 12:01

@user1471457751 please accept my apology on my assertion that no one mentioned rape.

But I strongly disagree that she did not feel under pressure.

I think she did.

Obviously you know better than OP 😂

I agree with @10HailMarys and @Jalepenojello . Talking about this stuff is healthy and necessary, even if it's not always enjoyable. If your DH had done nothing and just ignored the changes in your behaviour, he'd have been out of order. Sounds like he was concerned about you and your marriage.

notanothertakeaway · 23/05/2022 12:17

The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp)

OP, that's very upsetting to read. No one should be pressured to have sex when they don't want to, regardless of timescales

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/05/2022 12:18

A TWO hour conversation?? Wtf? Jesus if that's not pressure I don't know what is!

Aria999 · 23/05/2022 12:22

It depends why you decided to have sex even if you didn't want to. It was not unreasonable for him to want to talk about it and it sounds like you believe he wasn't trying to pressure you, but you clearly felt some pressure or you would not have done it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/05/2022 12:25

Aria999 · 23/05/2022 12:22

I agree. It wouldn't have taken a 2 hour conversation with my dh, it would've taken 30 seconds especially 6 weeks pp.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 12:38

HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:21

That’s what I’m conscious of, and writing the OP helped me see that as I realised how difficult it must have been for him to see me pull away like that. For him, he saw a change in me and our marriage and was worried. For me, I was thinking I’ve only just had a baby, this must be normal.

Just out of curiosity, was that normal? Or was it just me?

Show quote history

I don't think normal or a normal are helpful markers. I didn't feel like that, and I wanted sex at 6 weeks and I wanted affection prior to that but that doesn't make one of us right and one of us wrong. It was right for you.

It was obv hard for him to understand why you'd suddenly not want him near you and I think lots of men would struggle. Sounds like he tried to fix it and understand but didn't give you the proper space to talk about your feelings which made you feel like you had to "fix" your marriage.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/05/2022 12:38

Also,the fact you are still hurt by this rather than brushing it off as one of those things that you've both learned from when a new baby comes onto the scene probably means there really was pressure involved especially as you forced yourself to have sex at 9 weeks pp which ime is very soon after birth and REALLY soon after your 2 hour conversation.

theemmadilemma · 23/05/2022 12:40

I can see why he'd be confused about the sudden withdrawal of all affection. He must have been happy, proud and feeling in a love bubble, and you were pushing him away. I can see how that would make him feel scared and confused without insight into how you were feeling.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 12:42

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 11:53

Show quote history

I'm not sure anyone understands it unless they go through it because it varies so much. I know people who had sex within days of giving birth and ones who didn't for a year, DH would have found me refusing to let him even hug be v strange and in other relationships it might not register.

It doesn't sound like this chat was "look love, my cocks hard, choose hand or mouth" but about his genuine concern that OPS withdrawal was significant and something that might results in him losing his wife and baby.

Did he handle it badly? Yes I'll concede that.

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