To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

[HomTanks]

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

This.

The OP should not have had to explain herself at 6 week pp and she most certainly shouldn't have felt even a modicum of pressure to have sex before she was 100 percent ready! There are so so many male apologists and misogynistic women on this site now. Fed up with it. Feel close to leaving.

I won't vote because it was a year ago....you say that things are ok now and I am assuming that you don't want to break up the family so I have to wonder why this still rankles with you? What outcome do you want? I mean you obviously still have something to work through, maybe you need to work out what that is and how to deal with it?

He didnt pressure op
He questioned if their marriage was ok
As op withheld ALL kinda intimacy.
Imagine being ignored and shrugged away for months. I would question my marriage too...

So I am voting yabu

This is ridiculous.

OP says they were a very affectionate couple and then she suddenly went very cold on him. Why should he just have to accept that as 'the way it is' without raising it.

Also a change in behaviour like that can be an indication of PPD - ignoring that is dangerous.

Lastly, OP put that pressure on herself to have sex, not her DH. He was concerned about the change in how affectionate they were rather than the lack of sex.

If I went to visit my best friend (with her permission of course - hate people who rock up uninvited post baby) after she had a baby and she was acting out of character you can bet your nelly that I would try to get it out of her how she is feeling and failing that I would talk to her partner of parents to find out if they had noticed how she was doing - it's called caring about your loved ones. Not sure when that became a bad thing.

Also a change in behaviour like that can be an indication of PPD - ignoring that is dangerous.

Yeah of course, that's exactly what he was worried about

He asked about the way she was withdrawing from him, he did not ask for sex.

So many people projecting and reading between the lines.

Both seem reasonable to me. He probably didn't think anything would really change and didn't understand. But he needs to know that his expectations were wrong and really to apologise to you. I'd show him this thread so he can understand women's perspectives on this.

So much projection on here

OP wouldn't even kiss him as a form of affectionate this isn't about sex

To be honest I do think YABU OP to be hung up on this a year later. If my DH suddenly didn't want any form of physical contact with me as small as a hug or kiss then I'd want to know why whether it was 6 weeks PP or 6 days

I also think @10HailMarys is on the money - it was obviously tough on both of you and he wasn't very reasonable but I don't think he was awful either. I think you need to move beyond the upset but talk about the future and maybe get some counselling together if it will help.

To me it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong, just wanted confirmation and reassurance as you’d stopped being affectionate in any way, shape or form. Not just sexually. He didn’t pressurise you in to anything so what’s the big deal?

So many people projecting and reading between the lines.

No, sadly, so many women have this exact experience of their 'D'H having to have it spelled out to them (rather than them have empathy or use their brains at all) that at 6 weeks pp, many women feel knackered/touched out/ don't want sex/are focused on baby. Does it really take that much imagination for them to understand?

It's 6 weeks. Not 6 months.

To be honest I do think YABU OP to be hung up on this a year later. If my DH suddenly didn't want any form of physical contact with me as small as a hug or kiss then I'd want to know why whether it was 6 weeks PP or 6 days

I totally agree. Recoiling from ANY form of affection is quite an extreme reaction. Obviously its normal for some women, but I dont think theres anything wrong with a conversation about it.

Presuming they were a normal affectionate and happy couple before, its a very sudden change, amd of course it would make him worried.

Some people feel touched out when they have a baby and need physical space, others want the comfort that physical intimacy can bring. Neither is wrong. Your partner had just become a father and had been rejected by you, so it’s understandable it upset him and good he spoke to you about it. Was he kind when he spoke to you? Was he concerned or critical? Did you find the conversation really difficult and decided to pretend to be okay in order to avoid talking about it again? If so, why was it difficult? Do you have to always please him?

I agree with this completely. And to the ppl saying 'but how was the poor man to know?' It's fucking obvious when someone has just given birth they will be all over the place, potentially touched out and hormonal! It's not rocket science but all over the place means different things. He doesn't know if she's touched out or has decided he's actually a dickhead without ASKING HER. If I'd refused to hug or touch my husband (non sexually) for six weeks or 5 months like another poster, he'd have quite rightly wondered what was up. If I went to my friends house and saw her recoil from her partners touch I'd be asking what's up.
and doesn't need a two hour grilling. Ffs but this is true.

I'm guessing by a 2 hour discussion, there were probably breaks where the baby needed tending, or where the discussion died down, and then someone snapped, and it started up again. Lots of arguments ebb and flow over a few hours.

If DH had not kissed me, hugged me, been in any way affectionate to me like he normally is because he'd ASSUMED that's what I want, didn't bother talking to me etc I'd be pretty pissed off. Lots of couple are in a baby bubble after birth and whilst sex might be a no, sitting holding hands, a kiss when they come back home, cuddling up together with the baby isn't some weird thing men force women into.

It shouldn't be an argument. If he wanted to check she was ok, as some are suggesting this was his motive, it wouldn't have been an argument to ebb and flow over a couple of hours would it? She could have explained how she was feeling- how does that then translate into an argument if he was indeed being caring and not putting pressure on? There really is nothing to argue about is there- OP has just had a baby and it doesn't take two hours to explain what is going on.

YANBU to feel upset but equally he felt scared and needed to talk to you as his partner, I don’t think uncomfortable subjects are ever going to be easy to talk about but it’s better to have those conversations as a couple than to ignore and bury it. I felt exactly the same as you after my kids but I was very clear with my husband about how I felt, I preemptively discussed how I was feeling and in enough detail that he understood and knew it was nothing to do with him.

Yes many women have this experience of being touched out and can’t stand physical affection, but equally many women do not have this experience and want physical affection. Furthermore a few women will have such a behaviour change and be struggling with PPD. Therefore, no partner should be accused of lacking brains or empathy if they don’t magically know what the new mother does or doesn’t want from them, or how she is feeling. It’s always best to ask your partner instead of simply imagining what she wants and is feeling.

I second that and bring it up again if you want to. You just birthed a human being and you were effectively being pressured into sex.so he got his needs met. It's just so belittling.

Saying that, my DH once did something similar. Over time what came out as I realised and spoke about it after at length (& he was very sorry) is that he equated sex with love and felt I had fallen out of love with him, so the sex was.kind of a reassurance.

He realised how wrong and out of order he was and actually it was during a different time (minor illness) and I hadn't recently had a c section!!

So yea YANBU. And it's super normal to be touched out. Doesn't everyone get touched out for weeks at least during that phase?

True it doesn’t take two hours to explain how you are feeling, but OP readily admits being hesitant to communicate with her DH and that she had tried to shut the conversation down:
”I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation,..”

I can imagine it was like pulling teeth for both of them and that takes time. Time to agree, fine we are having this conversation now and then the time to honestly examine what you are feeling and why, and then communicate it. It’s not an easy subject either. So I dont think 2hrs is necessarily a very long time given the sensitive nature of it. It takes us half an hour sometimes just to decide what to have for tea and that’s not nearly as important or involved a discussion as the above.

How would a man know or even begin to be able to guess what having a baby feels like, without it being explained to him?

I have just reread the OP and this bit really stood out- **

I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

So OP did explain to him, she did tell him how she was feeling, and despite the fact she was upset, the conversation carried on. For two hours. For those of you defending the husband, you don't find that concerning? It's one thing asking her if she is ok and trying to understand what is happening but to continue pushing, when she is upset, when she has already explained? Do people really think that's ok?

The bit about fighting the ick and having sex despite not wanting to mentally is really upsetting to read and I remember full well being in that position. Things like this are often the beginning of abuse. My marriage with my ex never recovered and I never really wanted to have sex with him again because he gave me the ick so badly and I felt completely disrespected. He became more and more abusive as well- I can't help but have alarm bells ring when I read what the OP has written.

Op hasn't actually clarified what was said.

Look I'm full of hormones, my brain is full of baby who is constantly on me to feed and I just can't physically handle any more contact. I love you, it won't last forever, but right now you need to accept this is how I feel
Vs
I don't know, I just don't like you touching me.
Because it makes me feel sick.
I don't know if it'll ever change.
I know this is how it started with Sandy, they're divorced now so who knows what will happen.
I don't know if I love you.

I mean one of those conversations are going to drag on longer than the other right