Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

146 replies

HomTanks · 23/05/2022 11:14

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 12:44

notanothertakeaway · 23/05/2022 12:17

The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp)

OP, that's very upsetting to read. No one should be pressured to have sex when they don't want to, regardless of timescales

She has clearly stated he didn't pressure her into sex. She felt she should do it. Which isn't OK and she shouldn't but its very different to the assumption of his pressuring her / raping her.

Problemmo · 23/05/2022 12:47

it doesn’t sound as though he was pressurising you for sex, he just wanted some affection which is totally normal in any relationship. He must have felt hurt by the rejection and wanted to understand what was going on so you both discussed it. I don’t know why you’re still pondering on this a year later and no idea why it’s upsetting…

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 12:55

No, it just sounds like he wasn't getting enough attention so he swamped her with an emotional crisis.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/05/2022 12:57

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 12:55

No, it just sounds like he wasn't getting enough attention so he swamped her with an emotional crisis.

Yep. I mean, what the hell did you say in 2 hours?

worriedatthistime · 23/05/2022 13:02

@Dh22 yes what im thinking , he seemed more concerned about marriage , Op etc than anything else and discussion is normally the way forward , OP should of felt like she cOuld of said just give me space and I don't want to talk just yet though
But it doesn't sound as clear cut as some are making
Def with a pp if you plan on another child to have a chat first
And also you could explain even now how it made you feel so he understands, how he reacts to that would be telling

worriedatthistime · 23/05/2022 13:03

@billy1966 read the whole thread because yes they have

Montyman1 · 23/05/2022 13:08

It was normal for me anyway. I couldn’t deal with my husband wanting to touch me etc when I had a baby and an older child constantly wanting a piece of me. And to be quite honest I still get that feeling at times, and my youngest is 5. I know that I felt that I wanted my body for myself and didn’t want to share with anyone I had an option not to have to share it with if that makes sense. I’m sure my husband was hurt by it, but we didn’t have a discussion about it.

I think your husband did the right thing by bringing it up with you and being open about it; he probably thought oh look 6 weeks pp, times up, she surely wants a piece of me now. If nothing else the level of communication you have between you is good. The timing is as insensitive though, yes. But it got out in the open and didn’t fester at least

gwenneh · 23/05/2022 13:10

It is absolutely impossible for a man to understand what being 6 weeks pp is like and no amount of discussion can adequately convey how terrible being "touched out" feels - when you just don't want to be touched. By anyone. At all.

So no, what you felt isn't unusual, but given that there's no adequate way for a man to understand that, his hurt and need for discussion also wasn't unreasonable either.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 23/05/2022 13:14

Having a baby is often pretty overwhelming to say the least! Sometimes when we're overwhelmed we feel (maybe not consciously) like we want to know that someone is being a perfect carer for us - i.e. someone who gets it right 100% of the time and always gives us what we need to make ourselves feel better. In marriage sometimes we look to our partner for that care. It can be scary to realise that there is no such thing as a perfect carer. Most of the time we cope with that reality. When under pressure we can revert to needing 'perfect' care. I wondered if what went on was your OH showing that he was not going to be able to be that person who always totally got you and always totally was there for just you? So perhaps that's why it was so unsettling as it faced you with your own vulnerability?

It sounds like he was feeling really vulnerable too and I guess the conversation went on for 2 hours because he did not get what he needed from it either? I guess you could see the elongated nature of the conversation as a sign that both of you were committed to trying to work out whatever the issue was so that both of you could feel secure and loved (and there was an issue whether you frame it as you not being affectionate or him feeling insecure - if he was that upset, then there clearly was an issue somewhere and by the way you describe it, you were upset too even before the conversation).

I think it would be really unsettling to have your partner suddenly never give you an affectionate hug or peck on the cheek. It sounds like that was much more of an issue for him than the sex? That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong by not being affectionate to him but it is easy to understand both how vulnerable that would make him feel and why you got into a position of not wanting to give that to him. There might have been some feelings of anger towards him which came out this way? Was he helping? Did he get just what you were going through? Was he even trying to understand how much your world had just changed? Were you on some level worried that he was in competition with you for your babies affection?

Either way, if things have stayed with you for so long, I wonder if it's worth going to counselling together with him? Perhaps this is pointing to an area in your relationship where things could be better?

Good luck OP.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 13:15

So no, what you felt isn't unusual, but given that there's no adequate way for a man to understand that, his hurt and need for discussion also wasn't unreasonable either

2 hours of it though, is he a slow learner? Fortunately my DH has eyes in his head and a pair of functioning ears so that he was able to riddle it all out without me having to spell out the obvious. Let alone spend two hours dumping his fragile ego all over me and making me responsible to put it all back together again.

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 13:18

gwenneh · 23/05/2022 13:10

It is absolutely impossible for a man to understand what being 6 weeks pp is like and no amount of discussion can adequately convey how terrible being "touched out" feels - when you just don't want to be touched. By anyone. At all.

So no, what you felt isn't unusual, but given that there's no adequate way for a man to understand that, his hurt and need for discussion also wasn't unreasonable either.

So are men completely incapable of empathy then? There's lots of experiences that I haven't had/are impossible or unlikely for me to have but it doesn't mean that I'm incapable of empathy or that I wouldn't make the effort to understand what someone else is going through

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 13:23

LunaMoonHare · 23/05/2022 13:18

So are men completely incapable of empathy then? There's lots of experiences that I haven't had/are impossible or unlikely for me to have but it doesn't mean that I'm incapable of empathy or that I wouldn't make the effort to understand what someone else is going through

Show quote history

But given every woman feels different, it isn't like they should just know "don't touch your partner after birth for three years without her inviting you to do so even though you've walked in and kissed her hello for the last decade without discussion"

Two hours of solid debate with a newborn is obv ridiculous but the idea that men should never ask about issues in their relationship because they should leave it to the woman isn't helpful

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/05/2022 13:25

gwenneh · 23/05/2022 13:10

It is absolutely impossible for a man to understand what being 6 weeks pp is like and no amount of discussion can adequately convey how terrible being "touched out" feels - when you just don't want to be touched. By anyone. At all.

So no, what you felt isn't unusual, but given that there's no adequate way for a man to understand that, his hurt and need for discussion also wasn't unreasonable either.

I don't know what it's like to have chemotherapy but if my friend who is having it currently told me not to touch her at the moment as it didn't feel nice, I wouldn't need a two hour explanation about why ,I would just take her word for it!

rainyskylight · 23/05/2022 13:26

The problem seems to be that the conversation kept going on and on to the point that the OP had sex with her husband in order to end it. He may not have intended this, and he may be horrified to learn that the OP felt so on the spot that she took this route out. I wonder, OP, whether you are so reluctant to raise the subject again with him in case it ends up in you feeling the same pressure to show that you love him by having sex.

StoppinBy · 23/05/2022 13:27

Wow!

I think OP's husband has copped an absolute beating for no reason whatsoever.

He was worried about the changes in OP's behaviour, they were previously a very affectionate couple and she now turned away from every tiny touch (that is certainly rejection towards him in my opinion so he was not wrong to feel rejected). He tried to have a conversation with OP to see what was going on, if it was something he had done/was doing etc.

What's wrong with that? Is communication a bad thing after having a baby? A lot of these types of behaviours appear due to PPD and if missed or ignored can have dire consequences.

OP did feel pressure to have sex, but the pressure came from herself to show her DH that everything was ok and not her DH, I suspect that had her DH known how she actually felt he would not have been keen on having sex, I know that if my hubby knew something like that after the fact he would feel terrible and guilty about it.

OP I think you need to have a chat with someone professional to try and work out whether your feeling of still being upset are valid (I'm not saying you can't be upset by the way - we are all entitled to be upset about whatever we like) so that you can either address with your DH the reasons you are still upset with him and work through that together or so that you can move forward from the feelings yourself if you would prefer.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 13:27

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 23/05/2022 12:02

6 weeks is not long at all. My husband started a similar conversation at around the 5 month mark with our first baby, which I found very hurtful considering his life had hardly changed at all and mine was unrecognisable from pre-baby life. I was really resentful for him putting that guilt on me that I wasn’t living up to satisfying him at a time when I’d never felt so mentally and physically exhausted and touched out in my life.

Post baby hormones can play a part in surpassing desire, it does come back eventually. Usually once you are feeling a bit more rested and your partner is doing a more equal share of the night wakes / housework / childcare.

So for five months he did stuff all with the baby, and you didn't have any kind of physical affection like holding hands, hugging it kissing? Sounds like he should have started a conversation EARLIER. In fact, sounds like you should have too.

StoppinBy · 23/05/2022 13:28

rainyskylight · 23/05/2022 13:26

The problem seems to be that the conversation kept going on and on to the point that the OP had sex with her husband in order to end it. He may not have intended this, and he may be horrified to learn that the OP felt so on the spot that she took this route out. I wonder, OP, whether you are so reluctant to raise the subject again with him in case it ends up in you feeling the same pressure to show that you love him by having sex.

They had sex 3 weeks later.

Convo at 6 weeks PP and sex at 9 weeks PP.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 13:29

Clearly you deal with the mother of your child as an actual individual and if you cannot guage the level of enthusiasm for affection and cuddling you ask, accept the answer and get on with life. Two minutes tops.

It's the sheer enormity of the conversation that is objectionable, whiny, sulky, needy which is objectionable. If he asked and she answered in short order the op would hardly be stewing on it now.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2022 13:29

rainyskylight · 23/05/2022 13:26

The problem seems to be that the conversation kept going on and on to the point that the OP had sex with her husband in order to end it. He may not have intended this, and he may be horrified to learn that the OP felt so on the spot that she took this route out. I wonder, OP, whether you are so reluctant to raise the subject again with him in case it ends up in you feeling the same pressure to show that you love him by having sex.

They talked for two hours, not three weeks.

coconuthead · 23/05/2022 13:32

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 11:45

He did pressure you.

You felt pressure after a two hour conversation to be seen to get over how you were feeling.

You were totally normal to feel like that.

A two hour conversation.

God help you.

No wonder it hasn't left you.

Having sex that you don't want is just awful and so traumatic.

To do it after a baby is so much worse.

I think you should talk to someone, because these feelings are not going away.

Denying how upset you are won't help you either.

He was wrong and he fxxked up.

You need to own how you feel and your right to feel it.

I think it is not a good marker of your relationship that you would feel under such pressure to do something you clearly did not want to do.

Coercion is a strong word but 3 weeks after your marrathon conversation which he couldn't understand that you did not want it, you absolutely felt you had to correct this.

He was a selfish arse and obviously preoccupied with his needs being met ahead of yours having given birth.

Do you feel violated by this, even though you said you were ready?

You need to talk to someone and maybe that will give you the strength to tell him the truth.

I agree with this completely. And to the ppl saying 'but how was the poor man to know?' It's fucking obvious when someone has just given birth they will be all over the place, potentially touched out and hormonal! It's not rocket science and doesn't need a two hour grilling. Ffs

TropicalPotatoes · 23/05/2022 13:32

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 11:15

Being pressurised to have sex I mean. Totally wrong.

Well... I'm not sure where that came from, because OP never said this

Wotrewelookinat · 23/05/2022 13:33

I think this all comes down to communication. He can only know how you feel by starting a conversation and asking. That time with a new born is so fraught and difficult for both new parents, you just need to try really hard to keep the lines of communication open…and I say this from my own experience of being overwhelmed by pregnancy and childbirth etc and having similar conversations with my husband.

However, please don’t ever feel pressurised into anything physical you don’t want to do.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2022 13:33

If you don't know what it's like to have someone dissolve into puddle of self pity for two hours, like a fucking Dawson's Creek omnibus, then you are probably that person. Two hours would have me pulling my hair out.

PerfectPrepPrincess · 23/05/2022 13:34

Who are the idiots voting YABU?! Of course you're not being unreasonable, I had the same

Branleuse · 23/05/2022 13:34

You had sex with him when you didnt really want to, as a way of deflecting a difficult conversation. He knew something was wrong. He wanted to communicate with you over it and you ended up trying to shut him up and try and reassure him. That was your choice. Hes not a mindreader.
If the situation has improved and you are close to him again, then I think its important to remember that while you couldnt help the way you felt, neither could he. It is normal to not want to have sex or penetration for a while postpartum, but this was more than that and you were rejecting any intimacy or closeness at all. Its fine if thats how you felt, but you cant expect your partner to not want to talk about that and check in that everything is ok