To still be hurt by this conversation a year later?

[HomTanks]

I am fully prepared to be told I am UR and be given a head wobble so could do with some advice.

I have a 14 month old. Shortly after he was born by c section I developed the ick for my husband. I suspected it was hormonal / postpartum exhaustion / something along those lines but I didn’t want him to even touch me. He would kiss me and it would be a quick peck and I would turn away. He would try and hold me and I would quickly pull away to do something. I just very suddenly couldn’t stand any physical contact. He was great with DS and gave me the support I needed as a new mum so it wasn’t to do with his skills as a father. I felt terrible as he is a very kind, affectionate and sensitive man, but I just didn’t want him to touch me.

When I was around 6 weeks PP he asked if everything is ok and I told him I’m just not feeling very sexual and affectionate but “it’s not you, it’s me”. But by saying that, he said he was worried it is actually him. And cue a two hour conversation about what’s going on, why I don’t want to be physical around him (not sex, just physical affection), what’s changed in our marriage, do we have a problem that needs addressing, is our marriage ok, etc etc. I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok.

But I can’t help but still be hurt that we had to have that conversation when I was only 6 weeks pp. Writing this post has actually helped me see that he must have struggled as we went from being a very tactile couple to me not wanting him to even touch me, and that must have been tough on him. But equally, I was only 6 weeks pp. Just wondering if I need to get over it and move on, not that there is anything I would do about it now.

YABU - Yes, would have hurt him with my actions and it was normal for him to want to discuss.

YANBU - No, I had just had a baby and my thoughts and actions were not unusual.

How would a man know or even begin to be able to guess what having a baby feels like, without it being explained to him?

How dense does someone have to be to understand that physically and mentally it is an absolute massive thing for a woman to go through?

There are lots of really difficult medical situations etc that I have never gone through, doesn't mean I struggle to have empathy or guess when something must have a huge impact on the person dealing with it.

@LunaMoonHare I'm sorry that happened to you. My reading of OP having sex when she didn't want to, based on a letter post was that three weeks later she instigated sex, said she wanted it and it was her choice. The pressure was internal - still not OK no but very different to him pushing repeatedly for sex, saying fine and then letting him when it's obvious she doesn't want it.

How would a man know or even begin to be able to guess what having a baby feels like, without it being explained to him?

How dense does someone have to be to understand that physically and mentally it is an absolute massive thing for a woman to go through? and if every woman reacted the same you'd have a point. But we don't. We had a very poorly baby from birth. DH held each other every night, we held hands and touched and kissed because it rooted me. We had twins and I think we were just normal level affectionate but with twins at home so busier. I wasn't even the same between pregnancies let alone the same as Jkae at works wife Sandra

@SleepingStandingUp yep I agree with this point and was by no mean suggesting that OP was forced, but to have left her feeling under pressure is still awful tbh. Because it undoubtedly did. If that conversation had been handled differently, and not continued for two hours, maybe she wouldn't have felt like that.

Just because women react differently does not change the fact that it's blindingly obvious that pregnancy/childbirth and it's physical and emotional effects can be massive. So when that is the case, it's hardly surprising is it. Is that difficult for some people to get their heads around? It shouldn't need pointing out?

The men who don't make the effort to understand pregnancy, childbirth, hormones, despite being 50% responsible for the conception, aren't exactly covering themselves in glory. It's not hard to find this stuff out is it.

@billy1966 who are you to tell the OP she doesn't really know her own thoughts, feelings or experiences. If the OP says her DH wasn't pressuring her why not accept that instead of trying to gaslight her into believing your made up narrative.

So many posters seem to not understand that the OP feeling pressured is not the same as her husband pressuring her. We are all more than capable of pointing pressure on ourselves.

Expressing it like this sounds a bit too slick, but I read the OP like: you hurt him with your actions (withdrawing them), but he hurt you with his words. I have been in a position where I have tried to get someone to stop speaking to me with a tough and determined approach - not conventionally aggressive, but not stopping when I had asked repeatedly for a stop, because I couldn't process or engage with the subject then. It stands out as the start line of where I lost trust in that person inch by inch, even though it was a one-off, and it also gave quite a kicking to my own confidence in myself (my body) for a long time.

How do you feel about physical affection and sex 14 months on? Does the persistent thought about that conversation - possibly not the sexual element a few weeks later - affect this? What do you think would get some momentum going, to take the power away from your memory of it, so it becomes more of a 'meh, yes, that happened, but it's ok'?

But asking your partner how she is feeling 6 weeks post partum is making an effort to understand the emotional and physical effects she is actually feeling. Since every woman is different, no amount of reading about how other women felt will give men that understanding. So, it does actually need to be discussed. You can’t point men at Google and say look it up, Google will tell you how I will feel after childbirth or how I am feeling.

I didn’t even know how I would feel after childbirth when I had my first baby. And I read so so much on pregnancy and child birth. It’s something each woman finds out by living it. You might know for baby #2, #3 etc because you’ve lived it before, but not the first time.

So how can anyone realistically expect a man to know exactly how his partner will feel after the first baby? It does need to be communicated between partners as it happens as it is completely unpredictable.

But asking your partner how she is feeling 6 weeks post partum is making an effort to understand the emotional and physical effects she is actually feeling.

Yea, but what do you call continuing the conversation for two hours when OP was evidently upset and had tried to explain how she was feeling? Yet the conversation continued? Because I would call that putting pressure on someone, and borderline bullying/abuse tbh.

How would a man know or even begin to be able to guess what having a baby feels like, without it being explained to him?

How on earth could you see your partner pregnant and then give birth and not realise what a massive deal it is both emotionally and physically? You'd need the emotional intelligence of a house brick not to realise this, or not care. Of course some women want intamacy /sex very soon afterwards but the OP said she didn't and it took TWO hours to explain it.
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Ffs sorry about all the italics and asterisks 🙄

Totally normal OP. You know what you never see in nature? The mother of a baby animal being interested in sex / much contact with males. (More often you see the mother attacking things that annoyed her 👀)

Your feelings were totally normal, I’m sorry that your husband was an ignorant dumbass and that you were pressured into sex. I was still bleeding until 10wks after birth, we didn’t have sex for about 4 months.

It’s ok to acknowledge to yourself that your were let down. Much of motherhood involves getting disillusioned with your DH to be honest.

OP, I agree with some of the other posters that both of your "YABU" and "YANBU" can be true at the same time. Nothing wrong or even that unusual (esp if breastfeeding) with the way you felt, but also not that surprising for your husband to want to talk about what he thought may be a permanent change in your relationship. Six weeks is nothing for a new mum, but can feel like a long time for a partner (man or woman) who is not going through the same physical and mental challenges and does not "get" what's going on. I see how it can be tough for anyone to understand it if they have not experienced it; I certainly only know what you mean because I've been through it, I would have been clueless otherwise. It sounds like he did not realise where you were at. Maybe he should have, or maybe you could have helped him understand a bit better. Not ideal, but also not a crime in the grand scheme of things. If your relationship is good otherwise I would just get over it and let it go, or perhaps you might want to try to have a conversation with him again now and explain how your felt then - especially if you are to have a second baby at some point.

I don’t think either of you were being unreasonable but that perhaps both could have communicated better. But given that you’d just given birth I’d go in your favour.

Everyones postpartum experience is different and it can be hard for partners to understand as obviously they’re not experiencing it themselves but it is affecting them. So I think he is reasonable to want to talk about it.

yanbu at all to have had the ick. I felt really claustrophobic and touched out after our first and it was hard to explain and I didn’t want to feel a need to justify it. But I did feel I needed to explain how I felt because I needed DH to know why I was pushing him away and also so he would back off a bit.

but it’s sad that you felt you needed to “back down” and have sex anyway. Perhaps if communication on both sides had been better you would have felt able to wait until you wanted to.

We weren’t there so we have no idea how that conversation went. The OP did say she tried to avoid/shut down the conversation though and that can explain the time frame as her DH was obviously persistent in getting an answer from her regarding how she felt.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor all of this!!!

Honestly I can't believe the number of women who make excuses for such crappy behaviour from men. It's so depressing on here at times.

The OP did say she tried to avoid/shut down the conversation though and that can explain the time frame as her DH was obviously persistent in getting an answer from her regarding how she felt.

She said she was upset- of course she wanted the conversation to end! I agree with the sentiment that someone must have the emotional intelligence of a house brick to not realise that having a baby can be massive- emotionally and physically.

And what you call 'obviously persistent' I call bullying.

"I kept getting upset during the conversation telling him I have just had a baby, I can’t believe we are even having this conversation, it must be normal to feel that way, but the conversation carried on. The end result was me fighting that ick and having sex with him when I didn’t want to mentally (at around 9 weeks pp), but I soon got over it and we are now ok."

These are the OP's words.
She cried through the 2 hour conversation and the end result was her fighting the ick to have sex.

If that wasn't her under pressure I don't know what was.

She did it to probably avoid another 2 HOUR conversation.

The OP has said they are fine now.

They clearly aren't ok, if a year later she remains upset.

Why does she feel resentment if she is ok.

Her words are are contradictory.

If she wants to move on, it will help her to be honest with herself.

If she is still upset at the two hour conversation resulting in her 3 weeks later having sex despite still feeling the ick, and not feeling ready, she needs to admit it before she can find a way to resolve those feelings.

She will likely not feel better about what happened until she is sure about how she feels about what happened.

So many posters thinking men are entitled to sex irrespective of how a new mother feels.

Most decent men would have not pursued this conversation further with an upset crying wife defending herself that she had just had major surgery to deliver the baby.

Was her scar even healed at that point?

It carried on for 2 hours.

It resulted in her fighting the ick post partum to have sex with him.

How any decent man would be anything other than mortified and ashamed to have put his wife in that position, is beyond me.

Yet MN is full of posters who are so sympathetic to him, his feelings and his needs.
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@billy1966 couldn't agree more with what you've just posted.

This happened with me and my husband. When I had baby, I didn’t want him anywhere near me for months, he’s really affectionate which I’ve always loved and he couldn’t even give me a peck without me squirming, we didn’t talk about it and the result of that is that he pulled away from me cause he felt rejected, then when I snapped out of it, I wanted the affection back but again didn’t talk about it as I felt rejected and couldn’t understand what happened to my affectionate DH, it’s still not back to where it was but we are getting there, but I do wish we had talked it out.

Am I reading it wrong? I read this as a man taking a proactive route to exploring what he perceived to be a change in how he and his partner express love.

Granted if I had just had a baby I would be upset that it wasn't ABUNDANTLY fucking obvious to the man I love that things MIGHT be a bit different now that I've birthed a human and my body adjusts to this huge physical and emotional change, but I think that's where it would end.

Having said that OP I wasn't there, none of us were, and if you still feel upset about it please know that is 100% valid and ok.

It feels like an invasion of posters that it is so hard to believe they are women.

If they are, their standards are on the ground.

In real life I have never heard of a single husband of a friend of mine being pressured into sex within weeks of giving birth, not to mind after surgery.

In my experience of friends, recovery after a CS took many months and their husbands were nothing but kind, considerate and helpful, because they were full of praise for them.

Being made to cry in a 2 hour grilling on not being affectionate enough, would definitely have been something that would have been retold.

Sorry YABU your poor DP
I hope things are better now, but if not you should really consider letting him go rather than living a life of 0 affection from you

Wtf?

I'm not sure he "made her cry" more or was an inevitably emotional conversation. At that stage PP, I'd cry at tv adverts, let alone a conversation about the state of my relationship.

You speak about friends recovery after section - I speak from experience of 2 of them (though recovery does vary a lot). My recovery took days, not months, and it took effort to wait until 11 days PP to resume sex. I'm not saying that everyone should be jumping back into sex, for some it takes days, some weeks, some months, but dont blame it on a procedure thst you havent had.