To not get up with DD for school?

[Woozlez]

She is 13, Yr 8.

Primary age kids are off this week so I have no school runs, they don't wake up till about 9am.

WIBU to just tell DD to set an alarm and get ready and go herself so I can have lie ins? She doesn't eat hot breakfast, just a croissant or bagel or something and I can do her lunch night before.

Or am I just being lazy and I should get up with her? 😂

I get up and potter in similar circumstances. I'm just making tea and chatting while he gets ready, but I think he'd be sad if he was all alone. I used to have a job where I had to be up and out of the house before anyone else was up, and mornings always felt very lonely. Now I get up and about at the same time as the rest of the house, and it just feels friendlier (even though the others are basically just rushing around and hogging the bathroom) so I want that for my kids too.

It depends on so many things.

Of course most teenagers should be more than capable of getting themselves up and out, but that doesn't mean once they can we just leave them to it.
If it's a good opportunity to have a chat just the two of you that would be nice. If you're normally rushing around getting little ones ready, she might really appreciate you being able to focus on her. She is still a kid after all.

I WFH so am not rushing out of the door. I get up with DS (also yr8) and we sit and have a cup of tea together. He gets all his stuff together, but I'm just around to chat or whatever. It's a nice time of the morning.

(Although it sucks for you. Bloody school runs!).

I'm a proper sad mum and have never not got up with my kids before school right up until the day the eldest left. It doesn't feel right to me not to but I recognise that's my issue not theirs. I still wake the younger ones, both secondary in the morning and don't trust them to do it themselves .

Try presenting it to her as a great opportunity in helping to develop independence and recognition that she is growing up. But given her SEN I fear you are going to need to be up and about to encourage her.

I would get up with her, I do with mine. She’s perfectly capable of getting herself ready and organised, I do lunch the night before, and she takes a cold breakfast, but o think it’s nice to be around for her, to ask if she’s ok, say good morning, and see her on the way knowing I’m supporting her. Then I sit on the sofa and have a coffee in peace.

"Your child has SEN and anxiety and you want a lie in. How selfish is that."

I don't think wanting a lie in is selfish. Ds has respite this week and for the first time in months ( including weekends) I will not have to get before 6am and I can't wait.

But yes I think the OP should be awake and around to keep an eye on things and give support where needed.

Sorry in this specific case wanting a lie-in is selfish. A lie-in is a treat and not a birthright.

I think with a SEN child in particular insisting that your right to stay in bed trumps their right for support and guidance is pretty rubbish.

YABU

Regardless of SEN/anxiety etc I think it's nice to get up with your DD, even if it's just so she isn't tiptoeing around trying to to wake everyone else, it can be really lonely when you're the only one awake and trying to do everything quietly so as not to disturb everyone else. The fact your DD has SEN/anxiety and has been a school refuser would make me get up to make sure she actually went.

DD is in Yr7, prepares her school bag the night before, sets her alarm, gets dressed and breakfast by herself etc but I still get up and sit and have breakfast with her, mention any plans we have in the evening to make sure she hasn't forgotten etc and then see her off. I work late shifts some days I immediately go back to bed when she leaves to nap or just lounge and watch TV for a while, other days I cracked on with housework etc

This. While I absolutely agree OP should get up I don't think nasty comments calling someone selfish for wondering if they could have a bit of a break from what is almost certainly relentless parenting of a child with additional support needs is acceptable.

It's emotionally and physically draining. If you think OP made the wrong call that's fine but surely you can understand why a par TM in that situation may think about having a lie in?

The 'kick em when they are down' mentality it really ugly.

I think you have misread OP posts deliberately.

@fluffycereal

I agree about not kicking people when they are down but the OP asked the question.

And it's ok to to answer the question without calling OP selfish.

I still get up when my son goes to college and he’s doing A levels😁 If I’m not working I sometimes go back to bed (after I’ve waved him off) for some tea and toast (a treat I love). He doesn’t need me to - sometimes I’m working and not there but when I am I like doing it. He might not be so keen on the early morning chatter though.

I don't understand why you'd even be debating it after this?

And no, I wouldn't have my daughter get up, get ready and go to school without me at the very least getting up and spending a few minutes with her before she goes. It's not like you have to be dressed and ready is it, just get up, make sure she's ok and has all her stuff and kiss her good bye.

It differs from person to person, but having SEN doesn't automatically mean your parent should be up with you. I fared much better when everyone else was asleep (as a child/young adult) and I could get myself ready in peace, not having to make conversation or have anyone else pottering around.

I'd probably have a lie in a couple of days. Having said that my 15yo has been completely self s

The post isn't about you though, it's about OPDD...

She isn't great at getting ready and we have alot of attempted school refusals.

So yes, she needs a parent around.

Self sufficient for the last couple of years. He washed his clothes, showers, makes breakfast and gets ready and goes when he needs to. I don't think he would care less if I was up or not

My 18 year old daughter leaves the house at 7:30 every day to catch the bus to college. I get up and see her off without fail. To me it makes for a loving, happy household. And I enjoy doing it.
Why on earth would you not? Especially given your update re her SEN.
So yes, you are being lazy, and cold.

My DS has SEN too.

I agree with this ^^

I liked to be up with my two in the mornings, it's a nice time of day to check in with young teens even if you are just having a coffee and they are sorting themselves.

As for making lunches, why ever not? It's a nice thing to do, I still make food for DH sometimes if he is off out for the day and he's over 60. There's nothing wrong with helping out any member of your family and it's completely different from not allowing them to do it.

The OP posted SEN and presumably no respite like a PP as SEN and the OP is literally asking about their child independently getting up and going to.school without their involvement. If the OP thinks this is a possibility and presumably the do they get to school every day on their own how is this about how physically and emotionally draining it is for the OP.

I know, but there are a lot of posts stating that if a child has SEN, then the parent must be up and how awful it is to stay in bed. It's those ones generalising that are annoying, and part of the reason I don't disclose that I'm ND to employers, or most people, really.

If school refusal is an issue (although I haven't seen OP say this, just other posters) then OP probably should be making sure she actually goes.